how to ask for things

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phoenixmoonn13 -> how to ask for things (8/7/2010 3:58:55 AM)
the cant say sorry question got me thinking to ask you all here about asking for things. i have a terrible time asking for things i know its from childhood and master is very understanding and knows its an issue for me, but i really want to be able to just come out and say this may this girl be allowed to play tonight or something similar, i build the question up in my head then can never say it or if i do only say a tiny amount of what i intend to ask for. i dont always get what i ask for but he likes to know what i like or would like to do , he says its ok to just say it so its not a problem with disapproval i just feel its asking for something for me and it may not be right time for him so it throws a switch in my brain that keeps going over the pending scenario and in the end i just freeze. i was wondering how others find this or is it just me

lally2 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 4:09:59 AM)
nope it isnt just you [:D] im the same. i kinda 'accidentally' asked for something a while back, which is totally not me and His response was 'Hell Yeah!!' - so im thinking - if youre M wants you to ask then he maybe needs to be aware that each time you do ask he responds with encouragement and enthusiasm. if all he does is shrug and say 'maybe tomorrow' thats going to make youre awkwardness in asking far worse and hold you back even more the next time. in the end, as a sub, asking for something feels kinda wrong, i know. the feeling is that it isnt about you its about what he wants and if youre asking for what you want then maybe youre asking for something he'd rather not do and that would feel totally wrong. so you hold back. or its about pushing youre needs at him and you dont want to do that either. but, if he has asked its actually because he probably sees it as you submitting youre need to him, asking him to take care of that need and in doing so he will get a great deal of pleasure in providing that need. its all in the act of you submitting youre need. if you think about it like that it isnt so squicky.

littlewonder -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 4:10:52 AM)
I will just ask politely and respectfully. Sometimes I get what I want. Sometimes I don't. Maybe you could try writing it first? Maybe after awhile of writing it it will start to come easier to you. Maybe he could try withholding lots of things from you until you're desperate enough to ask for things and it starts to get easier.

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 4:13:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lally2 nope it isnt just you [:D] im the same. i kinda 'accidentally' asked for something a while back, which is totally not me and His response was 'Hell Yeah!!' - so im thinking - if youre M wants you to ask then he maybe needs to be aware that each time you do ask he responds with encouragement and enthusiasm. if all he does is shrug and say 'maybe tomorrow' thats going to make youre awkwardness in asking far worse and hold you back even more the next time. in the end, as a sub, asking for something feels kinda wrong, i know. the feeling is that it isnt about you its about what he wants and if youre asking for what you want then maybe youre asking for something he'd rather not do and that would feel totally wrong. so you hold back. or its about pushing youre needs at him and you dont want to do that either. but, if he has asked its actually because he probably sees it as you submitting youre need to him, asking him to take care of that need and in doing so he will get a great deal of pleasure in providing that need. its all in the act of you submitting youre need. if you think about it like that it isnt so squicky. when i do manage it he usually says yes because he knows its an issue. but you are right with the last one about me submitting my need to him and i really love it jsut cant do it easily my head jsut gets in the way its as you say the sub asking is wrong feeoing i cant get rid of. jsut hoping talking to you all will help to free my brain

ranja -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 4:57:29 AM)
no, it is not just you i was taught as a child that it was wrong to ask for things, that it was selfish and impolite... especially my grandparents (who were quite involved with my upbringing) would be adamant that i would NOT get if i asked. i always found this very strange as how would they know i wanted something if i did not ask?... so then i might not get it either... it did mess with my head something awfull... So for years i did not ask... i just expected... and then obviously very often got disappointed as people do not tend to spend a lot of time trying to read other peoples minds... so eventually i came across as rather arrogant and self sufficient, mainly to protect myself from disappointment. My Husband can not do with me being arrogant or having to read my mind... i have learnt the very hard way that it is always best to ask politely... my grandparents were dead wrong.

Twoshoes -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 4:59:42 AM)
I'm pretty sure the satisfaction in being Dominant comes from knowing that you're dealing with a person who has needs and ideas and chooses to make yours more important. Not from the fact that you are dominanting a rock which expresses no wishes/ideas/needs. Well, atleast for me anyway. Plus, as lally2 said, by indicating more of what you'd like, you give him the control and responsability of dealing with your wants. You imply he has indicated he wants this. And if anything, it's time consuming to have to constantly fish for what someone needs, because they are too shy to tell you. Hopefully, you can see what he has to gain out of you doing this. Your Master is doing his job reassuring you, so all you have to do is trust him and do it. Don't worry about the time not being right either. Once you learn to ask for what you want politely, he won't have to say agree to things to reassure you and eventually he'll be telling you when the time isn't right.

pains -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 5:08:18 AM)
Along with a few other comments I was brought up that it was rude to ask for things and should wait to be offered and in some cases it is considered impolite, so I can understand how this is ingrained into our heads and possibly continues into adulthood. However in an M/s dynamic, i can only speak for myself, I am (as long as its within reason...he wouldnt let me have a Gucci handbag strangely enough) allowed and expected to ask for what I would like. The only expectations is that it is done in a respectful manner and that should the answer be no I will accept that answer gracefully (thats the difficult part especially when it maybe something i really think i want/need). Writing it down is also helpful, helps to get it all down without worrying that its coming out wrong or bratty etc. tori

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 6:40:46 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Maybe he could try withholding lots of things from you until you're desperate enough to ask for things and it starts to get easier. hes started doing this but i was getting tied up in knots so hes backed of a bit. thanks for al you comments i am jsut glad to know im not strange. i will try the writing down bit as i do find it easier to communicate anything written maybe reading it willl be easier. he loves it when i do manage it as you are all right its about his taking care of me and my submitting to him which is why i want to beat this so much as i do love the dynamic of having to ask

leadership527 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 9:10:33 AM)
Carol struggles also. Particularly, for her, is the problem of imposing on me (or anyone else for that matter laughs). So Carol would have no issue asking for something that had no down-side for me. But if she really wanted to go to Thai dinner and she knows I hate Thai, then she'll struggle. I deal with this in a few ways. a) I think of it as my job to know her. That means it's my job to know when that she likes Thai. It's my job to know when the last time we went to Thai food was. And it's my job to make sure such things get scheduled in appropriately from time to time. b) I remind her constantly that she's off the hook. As my slave rather than my wife, she cannot impose on me. The only thing she can do is provide me information... in this case that she's jonesing for Thai food. That data gets filtered into my overall planning and decision making process, but in the end, it won't be her that imposes on me. That's MY choice. c) I remind her constantly that the way we run our marriage is dangerous and it's really important that me, the guy trying to steer the ship, gets good, solid information about upcoming hazards like dangerously low levels of thai food grins

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 11:32:14 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 Carol struggles also. Particularly, for her, is the problem of imposing on me (or anyone else for that matter laughs). So Carol would have no issue asking for something that had no down-side for me. But if she really wanted to go to Thai dinner and she knows I hate Thai, then she'll struggle. I deal with this in a few ways. a) I think of it as my job to know her. That means it's my job to know when that she likes Thai. It's my job to know when the last time we went to Thai food was. And it's my job to make sure such things get scheduled in appropriately from time to time. b) I remind her constantly that she's off the hook. As my slave rather than my wife, she cannot impose on me. The only thing she can do is provide me information... in this case that she's jonesing for Thai food. That data gets filtered into my overall planning and decision making process, but in the end, it won't be her that imposes on me. That's MY choice. c) I remind her constantly that the way we run our marriage is dangerous and it's really important that me, the guy trying to steer the ship, gets good, solid information about upcoming hazards like dangerously low levels of thai food grins thank you you made me smile. Master sees it very similar and yes although he knows me very well still likes the asking thing. i am jsut so glad i dont struggle alone here. and how you phrase point c i need to take that in as its important for us to.

porcelaine -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 11:39:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13 i dont always get what i ask for but he likes to know what i like or would like to do , he says its ok to just say it so its not a problem with disapproval i just feel its asking for something for me and it may not be right time for him so it throws a switch in my brain that keeps going over the pending scenario and in the end i just freeze. I view this less as asking but more related to effective communication. Knowing how he feels and the things he desires is helpful. I'm not a mind reader and I don't like the idea of disgruntled partners that feel their "needs" are being ignored or never met. I'm a big advocate for talking and getting things out in the open. ~porcelaine

leadership527 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 12:03:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13 Master sees it very similar and yes although he knows me very well still likes the asking thing. i am jsut so glad i dont struggle alone here. and how you phrase point c i need to take that in as its important for us to. Glad I could help. So you know, point c is SO important to me that at one point long ago when we were new to this, I told her I'd call the entire M/s thing off if she couldn't learn to speak up. From my standpoint, I wield WAY THE HELL TOO MUCH authority over her to not have good, solid information. My analogy to her is that we're barreling down a twisty country road at high rates of speed in a car which I'm driving. I do NOT want her covering up half the windshield. Other than direct disobedience, that is the only thing i have ever said flat out would be a deal-breaker, hard-lmit for me. Perhaps understanding how urgently I see the topic will spur you to rethink your urgency level on it.

Toppingfrmbottom -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 1:08:04 PM)
Nope, I have absolutely no problem in asking for things I want, and I even go so far as to demand stuff from him, but I'm not very subbie like and I freely admit that.

Focus50 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 3:26:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13 the cant say sorry question got me thinking to ask you all here about asking for things. i have a terrible time asking for things i know its from childhood and master is very understanding and knows its an issue for me, but i really want to be able to just come out and say this may this girl be allowed to play tonight or something similar, i build the question up in my head then can never say it or if i do only say a tiny amount of what i intend to ask for. i dont always get what i ask for but he likes to know what i like or would like to do , he says its ok to just say it so its not a problem with disapproval i just feel its asking for something for me and it may not be right time for him so it throws a switch in my brain that keeps going over the pending scenario and in the end i just freeze. i was wondering how others find this or is it just me This is one of the hardest topics to resolve and why I'm glad I'm not a sub. It's easy for a Dom.... I tell her that I can't read minds etc so if she wants something, just ask. And as long as she asks respectfully, the vast majority of times she'll get a 'yes'. Easy...! But after a bit of experience and knowledge of the general submissive mindset, I've come to realise how uncomfortable it is for a submissve to be empowered this way. I've resolved this (sorta) by saying she can still or always ask etc, but that I'm much better at reading body language than minds. So if she wants to initiate some intimate action, good ol feminine wiles generally gets my attention, too. It's just that she might not get 'yes' as often. Feminine wiles is borderline manipulation and I might wanna screw with her head first for 'asking' this way. So I get 'action' anyway.... lol Focus.

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 4:03:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13 Master sees it very similar and yes although he knows me very well still likes the asking thing. i am jsut so glad i dont struggle alone here. and how you phrase point c i need to take that in as its important for us to. Glad I could help. So you know, point c is SO important to me that at one point long ago when we were new to this, I told her I'd call the entire M/s thing off if she couldn't learn to speak up. From my standpoint, I wield WAY THE HELL TOO MUCH authority over her to not have good, solid information. My analogy to her is that we're barreling down a twisty country road at high rates of speed in a car which I'm driving. I do NOT want her covering up half the windshield. Other than direct disobedience, that is the only thing i have ever said flat out would be a deal-breaker, hard-lmit for me. Perhaps understanding how urgently I see the topic will spur you to rethink your urgency level on it. you have reallly helped as you have explained the similar things that master has just in a different way which helps so much thank you

phoenixmoonn13 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 4:05:06 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 quote: ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13 the cant say sorry question got me thinking to ask you all here about asking for things. i have a terrible time asking for things i know its from childhood and master is very understanding and knows its an issue for me, but i really want to be able to just come out and say this may this girl be allowed to play tonight or something similar, i build the question up in my head then can never say it or if i do only say a tiny amount of what i intend to ask for. i dont always get what i ask for but he likes to know what i like or would like to do , he says its ok to just say it so its not a problem with disapproval i just feel its asking for something for me and it may not be right time for him so it throws a switch in my brain that keeps going over the pending scenario and in the end i just freeze. i was wondering how others find this or is it just me This is one of the hardest topics to resolve and why I'm glad I'm not a sub. It's easy for a Dom.... I tell her that I can't read minds etc so if she wants something, just ask. And as long as she asks respectfully, the vast majority of times she'll get a 'yes'. Easy...! But after a bit of experience and knowledge of the general submissive mindset, I've come to realise how uncomfortable it is for a submissve to be empowered this way. I've resolved this (sorta) by saying she can still or always ask etc, but that I'm much better at reading body language than minds. So if she wants to initiate some intimate action, good ol feminine wiles generally gets my attention, too. It's just that she might not get 'yes' as often. Feminine wiles is borderline manipulation and I might wanna screw with her head first for 'asking' this way. So I get 'action' anyway.... lol Focus. smiles even a hint of manipulation will get me in trouble and his look will tell me all, again jsut so glad that others understand thank you so much this helps me

littleone35 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 4:34:43 PM)
I am sorry you are having this problem. I have been with Master for over 4 years so it is not hard anymore to ask for things. If he says no (which is not often) i accept that amd we on from there. When we first started our relationship i also hada hard time asking for things it di not seem sub-like to me. Master said to me sweetheart i am not a mind reader if you want something ask for it. He wants to hear what i like and don't like and my needs and wants. My needs he provides fo, my wants are just that wwantst. A couple of months i asked for something and he said no, then a few months later surprised me with what i asked for , he is like that. You just have to understand, he wants to keep you happy as much as you want to keep him happy you know his wants so he has to know yours. I know it is hard bit the more you do it the eaiser it will be. Best wishes Matt's littleone

Scala -> RE: how to ask for things (8/7/2010 6:46:53 PM)
for those of you that have difficulty in asking ,does it depend on what you are asking for? Can someone give me an example ? For myself I always had difficulty in making Mistress aware of an issue that was distracting me and therefore making me less attentive- This could be work related or something else. My submissive part of me was telling me to keep this stuff to myself as Mistress has enough problems to deal with Scala

justagirlinzh -> RE: how to ask for things (8/8/2010 12:04:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: leadership527 quote: ORIGINAL: phoenixmoonn13 Master sees it very similar and yes although he knows me very well still likes the asking thing. i am jsut so glad i dont struggle alone here. and how you phrase point c i need to take that in as its important for us to. Glad I could help. So you know, point c is SO important to me that at one point long ago when we were new to this, I told her I'd call the entire M/s thing off if she couldn't learn to speak up. From my standpoint, I wield WAY THE HELL TOO MUCH authority over her to not have good, solid information. My analogy to her is that we're barreling down a twisty country road at high rates of speed in a car which I'm driving. I do NOT want her covering up half the windshield. Other than direct disobedience, that is the only thing i have ever said flat out would be a deal-breaker, hard-lmit for me. Perhaps understanding how urgently I see the topic will spur you to rethink your urgency level on it. Both your posts were eye-opening, especially this analogy.

leadership527 -> RE: how to ask for things (8/8/2010 12:26:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: justagirlinzh Both your posts were eye-opening, especially this analogy. Thank you. A word of warning though. The viewpoint I'm suggesting here is not applicable for those who are in the "it's all about the master" camp. I see myself as responsible for TWO people including their needs, desires, hopes and dreams. Because my sense of responsibility includes Carol that I need to have this data. For those who are in the "slaves have no needs other than to serve" camp... well... then the right answer to this whole question is, "Just shut the hell up and serve".

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