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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/9/2010 10:18:48 PM   
popeye1250


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

He can't have sex with you.. and that is a very important difference


Julia, wouldn't he have to have his nails clipped first?

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/9/2010 10:33:18 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


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quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

He can't have sex with you.. and that is a very important difference


Julia, wouldn't he have to have his nails clipped first?


sick fucks

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 12:34:05 AM   
ThatDamnedPanda


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit
Would you accept less because you are somehow less in your own mind or in the mind of someone else? Are you afraid to be alone and because you are, would you be with someone you knew you couldn’t have it all with, just to prevent being alone? Do you think accepting less would be fair to you or your partner?



Depends on exactly what is meant by "less." If you mean less in terms of a partner, no. If you mean less in terms of a relationship, then yes - absolutely. I'm in the process of doing exactly that. I've been heading in this direction for some time, and have finally made a conscious decision to stop focusing on finding a BDSM relationship and start actively seeking vanilla relationships instead. As I move down that road, i don't see myself ever going back to the BDSM world. I think that part of my life is probably over.

It's not because I've come to the conclusion that I'm "less" in my own mind, as you put it, or even that I'm afraid of being alone. It's that I'm sick and tired of being alone. Not necessarily afraid of it; just can't stand it anymore to go through life without anyone to share the little things with. It's just too empty, to superficial, too one-dimensional, too unfulfilling and meaningless.

For many years since my last relationship ended, I held out for my ideal relationship - an ownership-based relationship with a dominant woman who "gets" me both as a submissive and as a human being. But after 9 years of being alone, I've finally decided there's no logical reason to believe this is ever going to happen, and I need to pick one or the other - a BDSM relationship with a dominant woman who has compatible kinks but does not relate to me in a vanilla sense, or a non-kinky woman with whom I'm compatible in vanilla terms, but doesn't relate to me as a submissive. More of a "companion" relationship than a deep, loving, soulmate relationship. I've decided that the latter is preferable to the former, and I'm made the commitment to follow that path.

Not an easy decision to make by any means, but it is the right decision to make, and I've made it. And that's that. I think sometimes you reach a point where it's just what you have to do.


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 12:36:55 AM   
ThatDamnedPanda


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kinkbound

quote:

What do you all think?


Being in no relationship at all is preferable to being in a relationship that doesn't meet one's needs.


But people have many needs, many different sets of needs, and they can often be in conflict. Sometimes it's a matter of deciding which set of needs is more essential to your overall well-being and emotional health.


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 1:12:59 AM   
WyldHrt


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quote:

It is better to be alone than to wish you were......

I can't believe that I am quoting Jeffff, but... THIS.
I settled once, mostly because I did not want to be alone anymore (I was 29 at the time). It was a nightmare that took me nearly a decade to get clear of, and it won't happen again. I backslid a bit late last year, getting involved with a dom who wasn't a good match, and it didn't end well.

Since then, I've decided that I'm actually ok being alone, and would rather be on my own than be with someone who doesn't make my life better and happier by being in it. I don't have a long list of exacting 'must-haves', nor do I dream of the 'perfect' partner, but I won't be relaxing my requirements again for anything beyond casual play.




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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 1:44:05 AM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		One sister told me verbatim once; "Why would I leave one relationship if I didn't have another?". Thankfully, her attitude has changed (some!).
It's only been in the last 10-12 years since I've worked thru "my issues" that I feel I was capable of a relationship. It's only been in the last 3 years or so that I put all the pieces together and realized that what I've wanted all along was a D/s relationship.
I believe our every experience has brought us to this exact moment in time. I needed the alone time to see what I would accept and what I would not.

I know that I will never again give someone a second chance that doesn't meet my "must have" requirements.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 7:19:29 PM   
DesFIP


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From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda





More of a "companion" relationship than a deep, loving, soulmate relationship. I've decided that the latter is preferable to the former, and I'm made the commitment to follow that path.

Not an easy decision to make by any means, but it is the right decision to make, and I've made it. And that's that. I think sometimes you reach a point where it's just what you have to do.



It's only the right decision if you explain it to her, that she isn't a person who absolutely sends you and that you see yourself as settling for less by being with her. Because she deserves to be with a man who views her as a soul mate unless she also has decided to settle for companionship.

Nothing wrong if you both do, but plenty wrong with her feeling everyday worse and worse because although you say everything's fine, she knows inside that it isn't.


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 7:36:32 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance


quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

He can't have sex with you.. and that is a very important difference


Julia, wouldn't he have to have his nails clipped first?


sick fucks


I was just pointing out the obvious flaw in the "getting a puppy to replace a man" paradigm

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 8:43:27 PM   
laurell3


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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

quote:

It is better to be alone than to wish you were......

I can't believe that I am quoting Jeffff, but... THIS.
I settled once, mostly because I did not want to be alone anymore (I was 29 at the time). It was a nightmare that took me nearly a decade to get clear of, and it won't happen again. I backslid a bit late last year, getting involved with a dom who wasn't a good match, and it didn't end well.

Since then, I've decided that I'm actually ok being alone, and would rather be on my own than be with someone who doesn't make my life better and happier by being in it. I don't have a long list of exacting 'must-haves', nor do I dream of the 'perfect' partner, but I won't be relaxing my requirements again for anything beyond casual play.





This is a good illustration of what I have learned on the subject. The reality is, there is no perfect partner. We all settle in various ways. The trick is finding someone that you are compatible with on all the big things that really matter and provide you security and happiness. Sometimes you don't know it until you are in it. Other times, it seems like it was right there in front of you but you just didn't want to see that it wasn't going to work out. I won't compromise on things that are important and necessary to make my life healthy and happy. However, I do see people that don't compromise at all and wonder why they are alone. There's a balance in all of it. Finding the appropriate balance isn't always that easy.

and by the way, quoting Jeff isn't such an unthinkable thing...I do it often, you guys just don't know it.

< Message edited by laurell3 -- 8/10/2010 8:44:42 PM >

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 9:05:08 PM   
WinsomeDefiance


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance


quote:

ORIGINAL: popeye1250


quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

He can't have sex with you.. and that is a very important difference


Julia, wouldn't he have to have his nails clipped first?


sick fucks


I was just pointing out the obvious flaw in the "getting a puppy to replace a man" paradigm


I was just joking.

PS: I didn't say it was a perfect compromise, although so far its working out nicely. However, if I ever start looking at my dog and thinking, "damn, gotta get me suma dat" I'll concede that I made the wrong choice.


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 9:06:24 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

However, if I ever start looking at my dog and thinking, "damn, gotta get me suma dat" I'll concede that I made the wrong choice.


And I am a sick fuck?

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 9:12:38 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda





More of a "companion" relationship than a deep, loving, soulmate relationship. I've decided that the latter is preferable to the former, and I'm made the commitment to follow that path.

Not an easy decision to make by any means, but it is the right decision to make, and I've made it. And that's that. I think sometimes you reach a point where it's just what you have to do.



It's only the right decision if you explain it to her, that she isn't a person who absolutely sends you and that you see yourself as settling for less by being with her. Because she deserves to be with a man who views her as a soul mate unless she also has decided to settle for companionship.

Nothing wrong if you both do, but plenty wrong with her feeling everyday worse and worse because although you say everything's fine, she knows inside that it isn't.



Oh, I completely agree. I would never lie to someone like that.


_____________________________

Panda, panda, burning bright
In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 11:16:38 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		I love being alone! Being single is da bomb!

Anyone who is single who isn't happy, is doing it wrong.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/10/2010 11:24:51 PM   
ThatDamnedPanda


Posts: 6060
Joined: 1/26/2009
Status: offline 		That worked quite well for me, too. To a point. And then all of a sudden, it just didn't anymore.

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In the forest of the night
What immortal hand or eye
Made you all black and white and roly-poly like that?


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/11/2010 12:29:40 AM   
WyldHrt


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Joined: 6/5/2008
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quote:

and by the way, quoting Jeff isn't such an unthinkable thing...I do it often, you guys just don't know it.

I was just teasing, as he was quite right (even if he IS an anteater)... although I think you may be a teensy bit biased.
BTW, it always makes me happy to see couples who met here being disgustingly cute on the forums. Keep it up; it gives the rest of us hope

The rest of your post was right on as well, Laurell. There is no such thing as the 'perfect' partner, just what you will and won't accept. As I said, I have few absolutes, and the litmus test for me is whether a potential partner makes my life better or worse for his presence in it.


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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/11/2010 3:15:11 AM   
Jaybeee


Posts: 532
Joined: 2/2/2010
Status: offline 		Call me an unsociable bastard (I am actually quite gregarious when the mood takes me) but I've never felt anything but pity or contempt for the 'settling' phenomenon. At the risk of seeming like a self-help book author, fear of loneliness should not be a factor in deciding life partner.

I DO get that many people are conditioned to need to have someone, and yes, at the risk of seeming sexist (though frankly, I don't give a turd) it is indeed a damn sight easier for guys to be 45 and unattached than it is for women.

I WILL say though, for a spectacular example of womanhood I would accept flaws that normally would be dealbreakers for me. However, there are, of course, several utter non-negotiables, and I wouldn't care if Alessandra Ambrosio herself turned out to be authoress of a best-selling erotic novel series and proposed to me at a book signing sporting a new boob job, I wouldn't budge on them for her, let alone any other woman.

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/11/2010 3:35:09 AM   
Hippiekinkster


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From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline 		I'm thinking it's great that you got yerself a dog. You don't have to engage with another human being. I'm guessing that some human being out there has been saved from trying to have a relationship with someone who would rather have a Collie.

How sad and pathetic that you cannot lower your defenses enough to connect with another person.

And that goes for the majority of you all who claim you aren't willing to "settle". It's not other people, it's you. You have problems and issues that you haven't dealt with, and possibly cannot deal with, so you pretend it's everyone else who cannot meet your standards.

Personally, I think it's a good thing that you voluntarily take yourselves out of circulation. Those of us who are looking to connect with another imperfect, vulnerable soul can avoid wasting time with you all.


quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I pondered all of this, and yes - I did come to a compromise. I got a dog. He's playful, affectionate and loyal, and he doesn't steal the remote.

Life's good.

WinD



_____________________________

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/11/2010 3:45:58 AM   
Hippiekinkster


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From: Liechtenstein
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ThatDamnedPanda

That worked quite well for me, too. To a point. And then all of a sudden, it just didn't anymore.


If I understand what you are saying, then I have to agree.

I think it was a Heinlein book, where he said that (and I'm seriously paraphrasing) it was so much more preferable to listen to your partner snore, and fart under the Duvet, and feel them toss and turn, than it was to be in bed all alone.

I spent 20 years in the same bed with my ex, and I miss her soft snoring, and the warmth of her skin next to mine, and all those other subtle signs that let you know that you are not alone.

Let the perfectionists wait for the perfect partner. Me, I'll take "she who is a damn good person with a warm heart and a loving soul".


_____________________________

"We are convinced that freedom w/o Socialism is privilege and injustice, and that Socialism w/o freedom is slavery and brutality." Bakunin

“Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love.” Reinhold Ne

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/11/2010 3:57:06 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


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The reason I don't date, is I'm too sick to get out of bed most days. Kiss my ass. I'll date when and if I'm ready. Further, I engage with plenty of other human beings. Just not grumpy fuckers who think they can bully or insult me for making whatever life choices I deem good for me.

Put that in your hippiekinkster bong and choke on it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hippiekinkster

I'm thinking it's great that you got yerself a dog. You don't have to engage with another human being. I'm guessing that some human being out there has been saved from trying to have a relationship with someone who would rather have a Collie.

How sad and pathetic that you cannot lower your defenses enough to connect with another person.

And that goes for the majority of you all who claim you aren't willing to "settle". It's not other people, it's you. You have problems and issues that you haven't dealt with, and possibly cannot deal with, so you pretend it's everyone else who cannot meet your standards.

Personally, I think it's a good thing that you voluntarily take yourselves out of circulation. Those of us who are looking to connect with another imperfect, vulnerable soul can avoid wasting time with you all.


quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I pondered all of this, and yes - I did come to a compromise. I got a dog. He's playful, affectionate and loyal, and he doesn't steal the remote.

Life's good.

WinD






< Message edited by WinsomeDefiance -- 8/11/2010 4:08:39 AM >

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RE: Willing to accept less so that you aren't alone? - 8/11/2010 3:58:03 AM   
LaTigresse


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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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