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RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... - 4/21/2006 7:39:06 AM

crazypatient

Posts: 31
Joined: 3/7/2006
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Okay... it sounds like most of you are citing the deciding factors as either maturity, grip on reality, or impulsivity?
I'm not saying that I'm asking to be fixed... but taught, I guess.. And I do like to help others as well, I'm on leave this semester, but I'd been a psychology major, I do enjoy listening to other people's problems as well, although a lot of that may be my trying to learn about myself.
My experience in meeting people in the past has been only for play, not real service, but I've found that being told what to do and having to submit my will is a wonderful feeling, and I've been pretty desperate lately. Although I know that desperation probably makes it sound bad to get into anything now, but I do have to do something, and my history of treatment has been far more traumatic than my history of meeting people off the internet or even on these sites. In fact, everyone I've actually met off of here has been cool..

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RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... - 4/21/2006 8:20:20 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazypatient

maybe this is dumb, but on the subject of subs with problems... is that okay? Is it wrong of me to seek a dom who will take control of my life when I feel out of control and miserable? is it somehow wrong to want a dom to tell me what do do if I hate making decisions? I've heard people say that you should be well to be in this lifestyle... but what if my cravings for this are why I'm not so well? what if I'm a girl who just can't survive making her own decisions? Is that wrong? As some of you know, I have a history of self-injury.. does that eliminate me from that world? or include me more? do any of you call it wrong to crave pain? for pain to make things feel better? I'm not sure if I've expressed myself correctly... if anyone needs clarification, please ask, because I dont know that my words have correctly reflected my meaning...

For the sake of predictable politically correct discourse and public image reasons, some in the general "BDSM community" would raise an eyebrow over your need for such guidance, pointing to that rugged and individualistic "strong person" archetype who is supposedly more ideal as a submissive. I would say your need for guidance and protection would make you a wonderful submissive. As for the need of escapism via pain, I feel this could be inverted and re-routed productively under the right hand.

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RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... - 4/21/2006 8:52:56 AM

MHOO314

Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

For the sake of predictable politically correct discourse and public image reasons, some in the general "BDSM community" would raise an eyebrow over your need for such guidance, pointing to that rugged and individualistic "strong person" archetype who is supposedly more ideal as a submissive. I would say your need for guidance and protection would make you a wonderful submissive. As for the need of escapism via pain, I feel this could be inverted and re-routed productively under the right hand.

I have read and re-read this post and the ensuing responses and I agree with amayos---I have a female submissive that I mentor, who has some of the similar hmmm traits--in that without a Master, she feels lost at sea, adrift ( gawd that sounded like an IBM commercial--sorry but its the right phrase)---now she can function quite fine and her driving desire/need did not lead her to grab the first Master that came along---nor do I think you would---but she feels more complete, more in balance---I see it in My boy too--when I exert more influence over his decisions--he is happier, feels the control and the ensuing comfort and safety. As for the pain, I agree as well, I think it can be rechanneled--I say I think for I am not an expert in the depths or the driving factor, but in My boy and My student, they both don't like it but the NEED it, what it means and the cleansing that happens after. I'm not sure I've helped---but those are My thoughts.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 4/21/2006 8:54:15 AM >

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RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... - 4/21/2006 9:00:47 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazypatient

Okay... it sounds like most of you are citing the deciding factors as either maturity, grip on reality, or impulsivity?
I'm not saying that I'm asking to be fixed... but taught, I guess.. And I do like to help others as well, I'm on leave this semester, but I'd been a psychology major, I do enjoy listening to other people's problems as well, although a lot of that may be my trying to learn about myself.
My experience in meeting people in the past has been only for play, not real service, but I've found that being told what to do and having to submit my will is a wonderful feeling, and I've been pretty desperate lately. Although I know that desperation probably makes it sound bad to get into anything now, but I do have to do something, and my history of treatment has been far more traumatic than my history of meeting people off the internet or even on these sites. In fact, everyone I've actually met off of here has been cool..

If you are a psychology student you should understand that that wonderful feeling is simply mental heroin which is why you can end up being depressed afterwards. I don't know the psychological terms but its well understood that if someone intimidates, bullies and oppresses you (even within the bounds of consent) and then becomes sweet and loving, the relief you feel will give you a high. After the high you could get depressed and that is when you need aftercare and for that you need someone who cares about you. Forget the idealism, you really need to look at what BDSM really is. You really do need to be together because you could end up in pieces, especially if you meet the wrong person.

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RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... - 4/21/2006 9:14:17 AM

Reasonable

Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
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What happens to the broken-winged bird who offers itself to the fox?

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RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... - 4/24/2006 12:14:12 PM

JerseyDevil

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/11/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazypatient

maybe this is dumb, but on the subject of subs with problems... is that okay? Is it wrong of me to seek a dom who will take control of my life when I feel out of control and miserable? is it somehow wrong to want a dom to tell me what do do if I hate making decisions? I've heard people say that you should be well to be in this lifestyle... but what if my cravings for this are why I'm not so well? what if I'm a girl who just can't survive making her own decisions? Is that wrong? As some of you know, I have a history of self-injury.. does that eliminate me from that world? or include me more? do any of you call it wrong to crave pain? for pain to make things feel better? I'm not sure if I've expressed myself correctly... if anyone needs clarification, please ask, because I dont know that my words have correctly reflected my meaning...

Better to be a sub "with problems" then a dom or switch "with problems" (as you put it). I've had experience with both and the latter is far worse than the former. The first thing to realize is that the "problems", the self-mutilation, out-of-control feeling, need to hide through pain, are quite prevailant in women in your age group. As is the need to have a dominant (or really anyone who truly cares & shows you that), there to sort things out and help you process and understand the "mess". No it's not wrong to feel as you do, and it's not wrong to seek guidance & understanding. You just need to be very safe, and very self-protective, in your quest. These issues that you have, and seem to understand, make you very vulnerable emotionally, and to those who have a predatory nature (Much as we wish we could weed them out, it's tough and they do exist giving the rest of us a bad name). I would recommend that before you explore the S&M and/or sexual sides of D/s that you look more towards finding someone (preferably female, for your security) as a trusted friend, like an older sister or mother type that you can share openly with. Most often what you are experiencing comes from not being able to have that trusted communications and support from one or both parents.

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RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... - 4/25/2006 1:03:58 AM

Kedikat

Posts: 680
Joined: 4/20/2006
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Just make sure you are honest about it with a potential Dominant.
And make sure you are extra careful to weed out the ones who will abuse your need and honesty about it.
Saying these things to a Dominant of the wrong sort will identify you as a very likely victim.
At least you seem to know yourself. But there are many vicious abusers out there waiting for one such as you.
The decisions they make for you will not be to your benifit. But then again, maybe even that is what you may seek in some way.

(in reply to MissyRane)

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RE: Maybe this is a stupid question... - 4/25/2006 9:18:45 AM

Dustee

Posts: 32
Joined: 4/18/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crazypatient

maybe this is dumb, but on the subject of subs with problems... is that okay? Is it wrong of me to seek a dom who will take control of my life when I feel out of control and miserable? is it somehow wrong to want a dom to tell me what do do if I hate making decisions? I've heard people say that you should be well to be in this lifestyle... but what if my cravings for this are why I'm not so well? what if I'm a girl who just can't survive making her own decisions? Is that wrong? As some of you know, I have a history of self-injury.. does that eliminate me from that world? or include me more? do any of you call it wrong to crave pain? for pain to make things feel better? I'm not sure if I've expressed myself correctly... if anyone needs clarification, please ask, because I dont know that my words have correctly reflected my meaning...

None of this is wrong in my opinion, in fact, I think the some or all of things you describe go with the territory of being deeply submissive, but it can be hard as hell to find a dominant both compassionate enough and skilled enough to deal with serious problems. The problems you describe, while serious, are fairly standard for the submissive women I have known (don't know enough sub men to hazard a guess in that area). It's tragic that so few "dominants" are willing to handle issues in potential submissives and insist upon meeting a mythical submissive who is completely together and has "no baggage." Personally speaking, if I were completely together, was totally competent in everything I do, and had no personal issues, I probably wouldn't want or need a dominant! I'd want to be helping other submissives.:)

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Post #: 48