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Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/19/2006 3:37:57 PM

QuietDom

Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline

This forum routinely hosts any number of comments about all the fake Dom/mes who ruin it for everyone else. They're given a broad variety of names, but the message is the same; they're just posers, just out to get laid, not the real thing. And apparently there are hordes of them.

My question is, however, what do you do if you wake up one day and think "Actually, I'm probably one of them?" How does one shed this taint?

(And if CrappyDom is responding, I'll point out that my application for membership in the 18th House of the Asthmatic Goat was turned down. I just got a "you do not fit our needs at this time" form letter.

)

Post #: 1

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/19/2006 3:52:07 PM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

Well, one thing that helps me from day to day is that I realized I was a playing wannabe HNG before I realized I was even submissive. So really, I've muddled through it.

I think if you (not YOU, but someone) look inside yourself, and honestly ask yourself if you fall into that category, chances are good you will come up with a no. If you have the ability to honestly figure out what you want, and are honest about it, you can't be fake. If I say I'm out to get laid (which I am), I may not be submissive, but if I'm honest with myself, I already know that. So what am I faking?

If you're out to get laid, but claim to be either dominant or submissive, if you consider "the lifestyle" an easy way to get laid (edited to add: Yes, I know you can still get laid on either side of the whip, I mean it in the "fake" way...), but hide that agenda behind something else, you're a fake, a wannabe, an HNG, etc....

That's my view. Don't like it? You're a wannabe. Any real Dom or sub will know it is true.

Yours,

benji

< Message edited by gooddogbenji -- 4/19/2006 3:54:34 PM >

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to QuietDom)

Post #: 2

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/19/2006 3:56:08 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

I don't think there is a taint at all. If one lumps simply everyone into a single catagory based on their perceptions of a few, that's their own personal bias/bigotry. There's not a damn thing wrong with looking to get laid. You just need to make sure you're looking in the right place for it.. which is the 'other' side, not the forums. :) As some wise woman once said, "This is collarchat, not fuckmecentral." Ok, I don't actually remember ever reading that but if no one ever said it, someone should have!

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to QuietDom)

Post #: 3

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/19/2006 4:09:32 PM

gooddogbenji

Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline

Celeste,

First off, I read somewhere a similar quote: "This is fuckmecentral, not collarchat"

Second, I hope my comments were not construed to mean I don't want people having sex. That's on my hidden agenda. I just feel if that's what you want, be honest. And yes, this is not the place to find it.

But mostly, I wrote this one to tell you that quote is possibly the greatest one ever. Do you mind if I steal it for a sig line at some point in the distant future? I'll even give you credit!

Yours,

benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 4

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/19/2006 6:51:28 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

I could easily be classified as all of the above..

wanna be....yes I am always learning and hopefully will always be....

HNG...yes I am on the net, and yes I get horney

phony...some sub applicants I get, dont think I am strict enough, and others think I am too strict and take myself too seriously.

poser....some folks have a hard time accepting that after 12 years as a sub/slave that I would have what it takes to be Dominant.

There are always going to be folks that want to fit you into the mold of what they want you to be and if you dont fit nicely and neatly they tack a label on you and dismiss you. I dont like the way we bandy those terms around personally, as if there is one-true-way to be and everyone else does not get to join the club if they dont conform...

If you stay true to your heart, and dont lie about who you are you should be all good, be you a novice-nu-bee, or a Grand Master Flash of the 18th house of the Asthmatic Goat.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 5

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/19/2006 8:31:04 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

But mostly, I wrote this one to tell you that quote is possibly the greatest one ever. Do you mind if I steal it for a sig line at some point in the distant future? I'll even give you credit!

Yours,

benji

By all means benji.. just make sure to send the royalty checks to my agent. hehe

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 6

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/20/2006 6:24:43 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I've never met anyone who was into bdsm (not the same as Ms or Ds) who didn't occasionally have days of feeling "I just want to get fucked."

The problem really comes when we try and dualize everything. Somehow a person can't be a slut AND a serious partner. A person can't love a random anonymous scene AND be a deeply loving slave.

People love clear boxes, and clear boxes mean no overlapping or complexity.

Unfortunately, people aren't clear or fit well into boxes.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to QuietDom)

Post #: 7

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/20/2006 8:51:26 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Benji,

That house has a bad reputation, I will let you in on a secret, they fake their asthma!

The "I hate fakes" line is great. By yelling it in front of new meat, one is automatically placed in the "I am real" pile. Go into the most idiotic chatroom and you will find nobody there likes fakers...

That said, I have been the worst of trolls, fakers, and posers. As I matured, I chose a handle to remind myself that there was a trail of broken hearts wherever I went, the name was Master_of_Pain. Still a trail of broken hearts, promises, etc.

I have spent time in therapy, I have seen Dossie Easton, I have been to wonderful wonderful sessions on D/s relationships held by Terimis in San Francisco. I have done a LOT of work on improving myself.

Shorter trail of broken hearts...

Recently, it was me looking down at the pieces of my heart, which is progress I guess.

We grow, we learn but that growth and that experience often is the result of some rather spectacular fuckups, again, a pile I have stood knee deep in.

What I most love about S&M is it has taken me, a wankerdom, and through years of hard work, failure, misery, doubt, more hard work and started turning me into someone I just might be really proud of one day.

So, I am going to say something here that I think is a bit radical. Our emphasis on perfection, an unatainable goal, is actually detrimental to the health of our little community.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/20/2006 6:01:01 PM

ladychatterley

Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline

Crappy Dom, that was really, really beauitful! Funny thing for me is I feel like a Dom helps release me from perfectionism--that probably sounds really odd, but being loved, in spite of being imperfect, and having clear punishment (and then absolution) and also knowing there are lots of things one doesn't have to worry about perfection in is really lovely. It makes perfectionism so much more manageable and contained.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 9

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 3:30:02 PM

WikedUncle

Posts: 45
Status: offline

quote:

If you're out to get laid, but claim to be either dominant or submissive, if you consider "the lifestyle" an easy way to get laid (edited to add: Yes, I know you can still get laid on either side of the whip, I mean it in the "fake" way...), but hide that agenda behind something else, you're a fake, a wannabe, an HNG, etc....

Gawd, I just *hate* it when somebody gets to be right before I do.

_____________________________

"A man who can express himself in song need not express himself in suicide."

(in reply to gooddogbenji)

Post #: 10

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 3:35:06 PM

Reasonable

Posts: 459
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline

hng,wannbe= someone who is not entertaining in the way one desires.

"Twue"= they do!

(in reply to QuietDom)

Post #: 11

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 3:59:20 PM

sweetecho

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

This is the first time i have ever posted here, or anywhere on the board. i have just been abandoned by the second Master in a row who has had me "under consideration." i cannot tell You how sad and troubling this experience has been. i hurt so badly that i can hardly think. i am paralyzed by the pain.

i wonder if natural Dominants and Masters are aware of how deeply some submissives feel. i know that Men and women are socialized differently, but are Men so immune to the incredible pain They often impose on a woman? The first Master, of the two in a row, got overwhelmed by events in His life and did not answer my mail for two to three weeks. He had also de-activated His profile here. My mail to Him was so sad and pathetic, begging Him to tell me what was going on with Him, to tell me anything. He then showed up here with a general note to all the subs with whom He had been "chatting" (i did not know that being "under consideration" was not exclusive ---- i thought i was the only one! i also did not realize that all i was doing, in pouring out every ounce of everything in my heart was mere "chatting" --- i guess i thought it was, believe it or not, intimacy.)

After all the worried letters about His well-being and all the intimate emails and IMs and photos, i did not receive the courtesy of a singular reply. i got thrown in with the rest of the subs in a general note here.

Then i met a Man who called Himself the "real deal." He saw fit to punish me for what was a rather small transgression, as transgressions go. i called Him by telephone without asking beforehand. My punishment was a three-day period of being ignored. The three days has come and gone. i have received no communication from Him in two days. i cannot handle the loneliness and isolation of hearing nothing from someone who has me under consideration to be His submissive.

How does not communicating help to build trust? Can some Master here help me to understand what a Master is thinking or doing to impose silence? What is the difference between His silence and just not being interested in me? i know the general rule, as all women know, when a Man stops talking to You, He is no longer interested.

Help! i am so sad and lonely and do not want this experience again.

Sincerely,

sweetecho

(in reply to QuietDom)

Post #: 12

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 4:03:36 PM

sweetecho

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

i forgot to add some humor.

(in reply to sweetecho)

Post #: 13

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 4:10:06 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

sweetecho,

I am so sorry for your pain. I don't know that I have any real or concrete advice except to say that you will get over it. Perhaps, you give your heart a bit too freely. You should get to know the man well before being put under consideration. Don't be in such a hurry...when you find the right one, it will have been worth the wait. Good luck.

(in reply to sweetecho)

Post #: 14

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 4:13:45 PM

sweetecho

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

stupid submissive stupid submissive stupid submissive stupid submissive

(in reply to sweetecho)

Post #: 15

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 4:13:36 PM

killingmesoftly

Posts: 3
Joined: 10/11/2005
Status: offline

Listen, from what I can get from your post , you have never met these Men?
Honey someone can not master you on line. You have to meet them in person and actually have a physical relationship. Dont put you emotions into someone who are words on a screen. You will be forever hurt if you think on line romance is a real D/s relationship. Set some rules before you pour you heart into someone. The best advice is to talk and meet these Dominants quickly to asertain if they are for you . Unless there is some reason you cant do that . Otherwise you are bound for heartache.

I wish you the best and It doesnt sound like you are getting it..

(in reply to sweetecho)

Post #: 16

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 4:23:00 PM

sweetecho

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline

Thank You, bandit25, for Your kindness.

And, killingmesoftly, yes, you are right. These Masters were in other countries. i need to take a stand with Men who insist on having so much given to Them without having first met. i am weak before Masters, though. i will work on this and see if i find a Master who expects me to have some common sense. Perhaps i should be cautious with Masters living outside the United States. i appreciate Your kindness in responding. How should a submissive deal with a long-distance relationship? Or should she?

(in reply to killingmesoftly)

Post #: 17

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 4:27:41 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

sweetecho,

There's long distance and there's LONG DISTANCE. killing is right. It's very hard to be "dommed" online. You're pouring yourself into words. Get out. Go to a munch. Meet real people. Go to a club and dungeon. Forget those out of the country. The chance that you will ever meet them is almost none. Go girl. Get off the boards and GO.

(in reply to sweetecho)

Post #: 18

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 5:36:23 PM

ladychatterley

Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline

I have to say that, in my experience, men leave much more quickly here than in the vanilla world. I started experimenting in 2000 and then left in 2001 until this year after getting dumped, unceremoniously, by my first kinky partner because I got too vulnerable, started crying and getting clingy. In his defense, he had told me he didn't do clingy or crying or that stuff and I had said it wasn't a problem--I've really never been clingy or needy. But, in my defense, the day I got clingy and needy was the 2nd tuesday in september. I had friends (who were OK, thankfully but I didn’t find out for 2 days), I had worked there; I had flown the 8 am United EWR-SFO flight several times.

The world fell apart that day, and I really think that any vanilla guy would wait days, probably weeks if not at least a month before they would disappear. He might do it grudgingly, he might not want to, but he would know that dumping a girl on September 11th would severely impair future dating. (And technically he didn't dump me till later in the week as he did talk to me on the phone that night for about 10 minutes, but he never returned another phone call and I only ever saw him in professional contexts after that.) I don’t know if he even realized that he hurt me (and who can apportion the damage of that day?); I’d bet money he would be shocked to know that I ran away for four years, after taking 15 years to get here in the first place, because I don’t really have a sense that the level of intimacy for him was the same as it was for me. He was just taking apart a toy to see how it worked. So what if the pieces didn’t go back together? There's plenty of toys that are shiny and new. In a vanilla relationship, the level of intimacy and vulnerability and trust is more evenly shared, along with the power, so by the time you get vulnerable the other person has been vulnerable as well.

Part of wiitwd involves incredible vulnerability, peeling away the layers, learning to let go of defense mechanisms. But we need some of those defense mechanisms. And the "disappearing dom" happens a great deal and it causes incredible damage! All the more reason that, imo, thems of us relinquishing need to do it slowly and carefully and make sure that there is (for me) real love.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 19

RE: Wannabes, phonies, HNGs, etc. - 4/21/2006 5:44:23 PM

Clothespingirl

Posts: 82
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline

Sweetecho, honey, I've been in pretty much the same place this last couple of weeks! I was writing to my mentor here in the local group and calling myself stupid, too. She advised me to stop looking for online men and keep on attending the local events, which is good advice.

I think we need to comfort ourselves with the thought that at least we made our mistakes online, where we couldn't get physically injured. We've learned valuable lessons that we can apply to our real-life relationships. (My lesson was, as soon as a guy says "Hi", grab his collar and demand "Are you married? Confess!" <grin>)

Yeah, I think plenty of men know about "new sub frenzy" and capitalize on it. It's like needing a drug, isn't it? We have to recognize that and protect ourselves.

If you search on the General BDSM discussion for "eventual success" you'll find a great post by John Warren on how to find a partner. Best of luck, hon!

_____________________________

"Cheeky bitch"

(in reply to sweetecho)

Post #: 20

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