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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/20/2010 7:33:53 PM

MistressArletta

Posts: 4
Joined: 8/16/2010
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D/s exclusivity, in my experience, has always been the choice of D not s; but, if it's that important to s, they need to state it when the contract is being negotiated.

In my case, s stands for slave, not sub, and my slaves will be non-sexual in their service to me, so there is no reason for exclusivity. In fact, if I were exclusive with one, it would just mean more work for him and worse service for me. And, the various s's, their non-exclusivity will be by reward for good service, not at their whim. It is that way because I want it that way, and if they wanted it some other way, they should have opted to be D and looked for their own s. javascript:void(opener.AddText('[sm\=domme.gif]')); self.focus();

Though, there is this one fellow, who if I were to get together with him, he would still be a bit s, but, only submissive and only to me, and that would be exclusive to me and, sexually and romantically, I would be exclusive to him; whilst still owning and domming the slaves and he would also be domming the slaves ... the little s.. lut.

(in reply to sodsta)

Post #: 21

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/20/2010 7:37:13 PM

SaharahEve

Posts: 231
Joined: 6/25/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sodsta
How important is exclusivity, from either side...?

For me, I expect the double-standard of exclusivity. It's such a given that I hardly spare it much thought, in fact. If a man is going to serve me as a slave, of course he'll accept things that aren't fair between us—he'll embrace strict bondage in the shadow of my unchecked freedom. It would seem odd to insist rationalizing otherwise...unless of course we're not talking about slaves here, and I'm aware many don't swallow that word too seriously. To each their own.

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S a h a r a h E v e . c o m

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(in reply to sodsta)

Post #: 22

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/21/2010 11:42:39 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sodsta

Speaking purely for myself, if I were in a non-exclusive relationship with a Domme, I regard it as fair that I should have the same rights as far as playing with others. If the relationship were to become exclusive, I would be seeking exclusivity on both sides.

While I understand the sentiment here and the desire for equity, I have rarely experienced it. I am a male sub, and I have served many Dommes over the years. My experience has been that Dommes for whom my service was non-sexual tended to be unconcerned with whether I was serving other Dommes. However, those who expected sexual service from me almost always required complete sexual fealty from me. However, the reverse has almost never been true. It is usually understood that the Domme can do as She wishes, with whom She wishes. And most of my Dommes have enjoyed multiple lovers.

Not only is there an inherent inequity in the relationship (as one would expect in a D/s relationship), but there is also often an inequity in the level of sexual release permitted in such relationships. I have been in many situations where two or more males (simultaneously) attended to the sexual pleasure of a single Domme. We've spent entire weekends attending to Her sexual pleasure, and during the entire time, none of us was allowed any type of sexual release.

I was also once involved with a 24/7 live-in relationship with a Domme/girlfriend where She also had a full-time female lover. The three of us slept together most nights. Our sex life typically consisted of threesomes, but in the 2 years that we lived under this arrangement, the female sub and I were NEVER able to have sexual contact with one another. Both of our sexual attention was always focused exclusively on our mutual Domme/girlfriend. We NEVER had sex with one another despite sleeping naked together for almost 2 years. Moreover, i don't think that either of us ever even considered it. We knew that this would displease our Domme, and Her pleasure was tantamount for us.

During this relationship, our Domme also sometimes took on other outside lovers (both male and female). But neither of us (her two full-time subs) were EVER permitted to be with anyone but Her.

This may come as a surprise to the OP, but I never felt that I was being treated unfairly in these relationships. In fact, it seemed self-evident to me that the rules, as they had been defined, were both fair and desirable.

Perhaps that is what makes me a sub. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the inherent inequity. In fact, I find it to be the optimal arrangement.

I'd be lying if I said that I understood the psychology behind it, but there is something strangely erotic about knowing that my Domme maintains Her sexual freedom, while I have no such right.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 8/21/2010 11:48:30 PM >

(in reply to sodsta)

Post #: 23

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/21/2010 11:55:37 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
I'd be lying if I said that I understood the psychology behind it, but there is something strangely erotic about knowing that my Domme maintains Her sexual freedom, while I have no such right.

While I do not seek it, I do understand the psychology behind it and it is fairly well described in the balance of your sentence.

There are various ways to express submission: as you describe, through cuckoldry, through consuming feces, through eating kangaroo turds on demand.

Some ways work, some ways don't, and which do or not come from within. The same is true for dominants. While forcing a sub to consume feces could be an act of dominance, many dommes do not find it to resonate with them. These choices are rarely a deliberate choice and are usually a result of how all the components of a person's psychology add together.

So it's okay if a given sub does not see inequality in access to partners as a way of expressing submission. For this reason, I disagree with your following statement to the extent it implies that those who feel differently are not submissive.

quote:

Perhaps that is what makes me a sub. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the inherent inequity.

Cheers,

Sea

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 24

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 12:34:07 AM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
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quote:

ORIGINAL: undergroundsea

So it's okay if a given sub does not see inequality in access to partners as a way of expressing submission. For this reason, I disagree with your following statement to the extent it implies that those who feel differently are not submissive.

quote:

Perhaps that is what makes me a sub. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the inherent inequity.

I definitely did not intend to imply that ALL submissives feel the way that I do, or that if one does not feel the same as I do then they are not submissive.

I agree that there is definitely a diverse array of submissive psychological profiles. None are better than the others. They're all just different. And I was merely trying to describe my particular profile. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

(in reply to undergroundsea)

Post #: 25

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 11:00:05 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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I understand the inequity, and when I am in a sexual phase, well... at the same time, I take my fluid bonding VERY seriously, and there is only "safer" sex. I wouldn't risk putting my mono partner in jeapardy for my own entertainments.

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[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Rochsub2009)

Post #: 26

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 11:17:31 AM

SpiritedRadiance

Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline

Im monogamous and seek a monogamous relationship, so being exclusive is kind of hammered out in the first few conversations had and its very strictly one hundred percent every loophole ever conceivable monogamous, just Him and myself.

If my partner wants to pull the I'm the dom I can have more then one partner because I'm the dom I smile and say great thats wonderful, you can go find another sub while your at it.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 27

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 11:23:56 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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Yep, what Spirited Radiance said.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 28

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 11:25:47 AM

SorceressJ

Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
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What SR and other Red both said..

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(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 29

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 12:01:27 PM

pogo4pres

Posts: 593
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline

Well I have not seen any other male submissives chime in, so away we go. I am married, and I have NEVER been unfaithful (unless you count my right hand). Our problem though is we are both submissives, and while I have an interest, she has zero interest in "couples play". We both pretty much get approval of each others "play partners" and we seek what we seek independently of one another.

Now I get that 90% or more of the Domme's I end up communicating with, will want their male subs to be single, as the sensory control factor is far greater, in that dynamic; however being in the situation I am I pretty much can offer that level of sensory control, just not on a 24/7 basis. Are there ANY Domme's out there that would be happy with a part time "sub/slave" that can give that level of control over an evening or two a week and one full weekend every other month or so??

Curiously,
Some Knucklehead in NJ

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"All life is pain highness, anyone that says different is just trying to sell something" The Man in Black (Dread Pirate Roberts)

(in reply to SorceressJ)

Post #: 30

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 12:05:45 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
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From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Pogo, you would be my dream date if you lived here. As long as I could discuss those pesky boundaries with your wife.

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(in reply to pogo4pres)

Post #: 31

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 12:13:23 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

Pogo,

They're out there. It's a little harder to find than other situations, but we have folks in our household who are in similar situations, and we have managed swimmingly, as long as everyone is on board about it.

Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to pogo4pres)

Post #: 32

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 1:37:44 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

As a sub who is poly and ONLY interested in dominant males, it can get tough. And interesting. I've been known to be switchy with particular females who "trip my trigger" so to speak but that's about it.

Personally, I couldn't be with anyone who didn't allow a certain amount of playing around - particularly if they were playing around themselves. It'd be cruel to me, would drive me nuts and cause me to dump the master/mistress faster than a ton of bricks. Which isn't to say that such set-ups are wrong - just that they are extremely wrong for ME.

We're for reasonably equal footing. Reasonable by our standards of course and not others. Val doesn't think it's fair to deny me dominant men because that would exclude all men since non-dominant men just don't do a damn thing for me. By the same token, he gets to veto any man/woman who he thinks is trying to take over instead of working with him for a happy poly arrangement.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 8/22/2010 1:38:12 PM >

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Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 33

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 3:18:12 PM

pogo4pres

Posts: 593
Joined: 1/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Pogo, you would be my dream date if you lived here. As long as I could discuss those pesky boundaries with your wife.

Thank you Lady Hibiscus that is quite the compliment Ma'am. I can pretty reliably predict what my 1/2 Sicilian wife would say, her answer would range any where from "Do what you want, no overt sex, have fun" to "Do what ever you want, just get him the fuck out of my sight" depending on time of month, and what I have done to piss her off lately

Submissively.
Some Knucklehead in NJ

_____________________________

"All life is pain highness, anyone that says different is just trying to sell something" The Man in Black (Dread Pirate Roberts)

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 34

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 5:09:51 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pogo4pres

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Pogo, you would be my dream date if you lived here. As long as I could discuss those pesky boundaries with your wife.

Thank you Lady Hibiscus that is quite the compliment Ma'am. I can pretty reliably predict what my 1/2 Sicilian wife would say, her answer would range any where from "Do what you want, no overt sex, have fun" to "Do what ever you want, just get him the fuck out of my sight" depending on time of month, and what I have done to piss her off lately

I am 100% Italian!! It would be very homelike for us all!!

Submissively.
Some Knucklehead in NJ

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[page 23 girl]

(in reply to pogo4pres)

Post #: 35

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/22/2010 7:34:35 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I do tend to think that any inequity is up to the Dominant to state upfront ... and for the sub to agree or disagree with before s/he commits. I can understand that some subs will find it to be a dealbreaker whereas others will be like Rochsub and find it desirable.

My case is a little different, as any sub of Mine has to understand and accept that i am also sub to Master in a fully sexual relationship. Therefore the boy has to be OK with that and not whiny or jealous about it. With a sub that is fully owned by Me however, he would likely be my only other sexual partner, I don't get sexual with people very easily. However, I would reserve the right to conduct bdsm play with other subs at My discretion though I would listen to his comments seriously. If the prospect of My playing with a particular person seriously disturbed him, with good reason, I would probably decide that the risk of damaging My existing relationship for casual play wasn't worth it. In a similar situation in the past, as a sub i expressed real concern to Master about His playing with a particular sub girl as i sensed she was drama waiting to happen ... He did a few times, but then got a sense of that for Himself and stopped ... and sure enough, a few weeks later she was creating major drama in the lives of 2 other Doms! He was always grateful for my heads up on that one, especially as, at the same time, i was saying "i have no problem with girl x, but i am really worried about girl y!" So it was clear it wasn't a personal jealousy issue, but a genuine concern for what He might get caught up in.

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 36

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/23/2010 10:05:36 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: pogo4pres

Thank you Lady Hibiscus that is quite the compliment Ma'am. I can pretty reliably predict what my 1/2 Sicilian wife would say, her answer would range any where from "Do what you want, no overt sex, have fun" to "Do what ever you want, just get him the fuck out of my sight" depending on time of month, and what I have done to piss her off lately

Submissively.
Some Knucklehead in NJ

quote:

Original: LadyHibiscus
I am 100% Italian!! It would be very homelike for us all!!

THREADJACK: I'm 1/2 Sicilian and 1/2 Irish. *LOL*

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 8/23/2010 10:08:11 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 37

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/23/2010 8:37:04 PM

subanthony2010

Posts: 36
Joined: 6/16/2010
Status: offline

I agree with the others it is up to the Dominant on this subject. I have experience both sides and thou I prefer for it to equal, I wouldn't be honest with myself if I didn't admit I found the unequal aspect of it very appealing. The situation taught me how to deal with jealousy, and in the end it was way more helpful than hurtful. I wouldn't go looking for this kind of arrangement but I wouldn't turn it down either.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 38

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/24/2010 12:54:25 AM

HisEvelyn

Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline

I am monogamous, and need my Master to only be with me, just as I am only with him. I'm just wired that way. I can only truly allow myself to be vulnerable and submit fully to a man who is focused on me as his only. I just cannot do casual play.

(in reply to subanthony2010)

Post #: 39

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/24/2010 3:54:18 AM

WestBaySlave

Posts: 501
Joined: 9/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance
If my partner wants to pull the I'm the dom I can have more then one partner because I'm the dom I smile and say great thats wonderful, you can go find another sub while your at it.

This, so very much this.

(in reply to SpiritedRadiance)

Post #: 40

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