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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/24/2010 4:40:58 AM

CaringandReal

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I'm flexible. It's a concern but not as important as other things. For my own behavior, monogamy feels natural, but in the relationships I'm drawn to I don't exactly have a choice in that area, either.

Years ago, when I was owned by a largely monogamous dominant, I thought that I couldn't bear to be in a non-mongamous situation again. I think now that this was just another example of my tendency to adopt the values of my owner, whatever those happen to be.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/24/2010 10:31:50 AM

blackpearl81

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*FR*

As a submissive, I think my issue is twofold:

1. (I'll probably get burned at the stake for this - sex w/ submissives seems to lean heavily on the "no" side of things here, but alas, to each their own) Sex is a big part (to me anyway) of my relationship with someone... preceded by emotional trust. With that said, since I would (eventually) hope to be sexually intimate with my partner, I'd *need* our relationship to be exclusive. I need to know I'm the only one.

Does that make me selfish? Probably.
Is that unfair to Her? Depends on how She views it.

2. I wouldn't have peace of mind in my relationship if I knew there was "another" person involved. The fact that Her attention could easily shift from me to the other, doesn't sit well with me, and would probably do more harm than good both for me personally, and relationship/dynamic-wise.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/27/2010 9:32:02 PM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SpiritedRadiance

Im monogamous and seek a monogamous relationship, so being exclusive is kind of hammered out in the first few conversations had and its very strictly one hundred percent every loophole ever conceivable monogamous, just Him and myself.

And that's totally okay, as long as you don't try to date a poly dominant with the hidden agenda of converting him to monogamy. Conversely, a poly dominant shouldn't string you along with vague (or not so vague) promises of monogamy, not when he knows full well that is not the kind of relationship that fulfills him best, and hopes you'll put up with it once you're hooked. Bad joss.

quote:

If my partner wants to pull the I'm the dom I can have more then one partner because I'm the dom I smile and say great thats wonderful, you can go find another sub while your at it.

I would heartily agree with this sentiment. Being dominant is *not* a good shortcut for doing bad poly, nor an excuse for it. Trying to entirely substitute D/s dynamics as shorthand for the long process of communication, honesty, working through feelings, assessing compatibility, going slow, etc, that makes poly workable is a pretty foolproof recipe for failure. Doesn't really matter who the dominant is if you're making your submissives miserable, because pretty soon they aren't going to be your submissives any more.

And for some people, poly isn't workable and never can be made workable. For others, it's monogamy that isn't going to work well for them. Neither is inherently wrong or right, they're just different orientations. So the idea is to find a compatible partner, not to try to change someone who has a relationship preference that is fundamentally different from yours.

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Post #: 43

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/27/2010 9:39:22 PM

SpiritedRadiance

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LNT, Its why if a Dom mentions poly, or he makes certain references in his profile, I ask I clarify and I state what monogamy means to me, I ask if he can do this if he says he can, I hold him to that, If he says he cant we become friends but nothing more.

I dont try to change my partner, simply because theirs no point, that method will only lead to unhappiness, Monogamy is the hardest limit I have at this point in my life. Meaning break it and im automatically packing my shit and leaving no ifs no babys no can we discuss it. and I put it all out on the table, with ever loophole imaginable to it....and let the other person decide.

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Post #: 44

RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/27/2010 9:57:30 PM

slavekal

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A dog owner can have more than one dog. A dog cannot have more than one owner.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/28/2010 12:12:03 AM

FetishRose

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I tend to categorize my relationships. When I am in a D/s based romantic relationship, I am utterly monogamous, but then, so is he. If we were to add a third, we would become polyfidelic. That is how our relationship is wired.
In the past, however, I have served under a lovely Pro Domme as her personal pet. Although we were great friends as well as having a D/s dynamic, we were not romantically attached. I did not play with anyone else, although I did have a vanilla partner at the time who I did have sex with, but she did play with other people.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/28/2010 8:02:42 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

A dog owner can have more than one dog. A dog cannot have more than one owner.

However, human beings are not dogs, and different individuals have different capacities to serve. I have years of proof that people -can- serve multiple keepers if they're inclined to do so (just as I have years of proof that keepers can maintain and nurture multiple servants, if they are of a mind to put the effort, energy, and commitment into it that it takes to do so).

Human beings are innately flexible. Any perceived inflexibility is a choice... a preference. It is not wrong. An opinion or preference cannot -be- wrong... it is what it is. However, intimating that there is some innate characteristic that would naturally make one side of the kneel more capable of handling multiple relationships is... well... irrational and misguided (IMO, of course).

Calla

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/28/2010 9:14:19 AM

PeonForHer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

However, human beings are not dogs, and different individuals have different capacities to serve. I have years of proof that people -can- serve multiple keepers if they're inclined to do so (just as I have years of proof that keepers can maintain and nurture multiple servants, if they are of a mind to put the effort, energy, and commitment into it that it takes to do so).

Human beings are innately flexible. Any perceived inflexibility is a choice... a preference. It is not wrong. An opinion or preference cannot -be- wrong... it is what it is. However, intimating that there is some innate characteristic that would naturally make one side of the kneel more capable of handling multiple relationships is... well... irrational and misguided (IMO, of course).

Calla

Agreed. I always did think this 'lessons from nature' idea was non-starter. First, we project an idea on to the non-human world (like the idea of ownership - dogs themselves, of course, probably have no concept of being 'owned'), then we attempt to draw some lesson from the ways in which various members of the non-human world (picked, generally, for their usefulness to convey each given lesson - so, dogs are useful examplars re slave-ownership, but cats aren't) are perceived to live and behave. It's a double-misconception, and at the most basic level.

Nope. I'm not going to let an age-old philosophical mistake like that sully the brave new world of kinkdom that I hope to carve out with a partner.

< Message edited by PeonForHer -- 8/28/2010 9:15:17 AM >

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/28/2010 1:36:01 PM

Andalusite

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal
A dog owner can have more than one dog. A dog cannot have more than one owner.

That's just plain not true. If anything, there are probably more families who own only one dog than there are single people who own multiple dogs. It's also fairly common with show dogs for the breeder to retain co-ownership, and for the dog to go to them during the show season, for breeding, and to give birth to the puppies. People frequently have a dogwalker or pet sitter care for and exercise their dogs, even if only on vacations, and the dogs are expected to behave and obey.

I'm not interested in completely open relationships, so it's not about "fairness." I might be open to a polyfidelitous relationship, and have been in a monogamous-with-room-for-play one, but if someone is in a non-exclusive relationship, it's impossible to even know who the people in your "web" are 4 or 5 layers out, much less communicate any concerns about STDs/etc. Emotionally, I don't want to be with someone who is that casual about sex in the first place. My being free to seek out other relationships or casual sex wouldn't make it "equal," or make me feel better, I simply wouldn't be compatible with someone who wanted that in the first place. If I were in a polyfi relationship, I don't think it would matter much to me whether I and another woman were in a V with a man, if two men were in a V with me, or if it was a relationship in all directions - what fit the specific people involved would matter, not an ideal of who was the one to be exclusive, as long as everyone involved in the relationship were exclusive among ourselves. I consider it to be a poly issue rather than a D/s issue, as there are plenty of vanilla people in such relationships.

Pogo, my femsub playpartner is married, but I would never have considered her if I hadn't been able to meet her husband right away and discuss it with him first. You need to get that out of the way before you start meeting Dommes. Otherwise, I would consider it intent to cheat. I started playing with her while I was in my last relationship, with my Master's approval and occasional participation. If I get involved with someone new, and he's willing for me to continue playing with her, she would be fine with him and me co-topping her, she and I co-topping him, or some variation of that. Of course, she and her husband would need to meet and talk to him first, just to make sure the ground rules are in place, but she trusts my judgement.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 8/28/2010 1:48:29 PM >

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/29/2010 3:30:13 PM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal

A dog owner can have more than one dog. A dog cannot have more than one owner.

Do you also believe that a child cannot have more than one parent?

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/29/2010 3:46:06 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: slavekal
A dog owner can have more than one dog. A dog cannot have more than one owner.

Really? Gosh, I can think of bajillions of situations in which dogs have more than one owner.

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RE: D/s and exclusivity. - 8/29/2010 3:53:40 PM

VaguelyCurious