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RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 12:14:39 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittensmailbox

Then dont... you answerd my question with the lil words you said...

Somehow you missed my post where I said "Sure, I've never had one or asked for one."

*sniffle*

Owned, you get the best insults.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kittensmailbox)

Post #: 21

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 12:15:54 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dvdmtz1234
safewords suck. having safewords allows a sub to top from the bottom. if i'm somebody's property, they should do whatever they want. if i can stop it, then they dont really have the control after all and i would feel cheated. i would limit safewords to life and death kinds of things, like hey, do you know i can't breathe? (of course if she does know and continues, then too bad...)

So you're saying "safewords allow subs to top from the bottom...except when they don't"

Right.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to dvdmtz1234)

Post #: 22

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 12:19:07 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

Using my safeword means.. "Excuse me a moment, Master, but that slave who you released last year.. remember, the one who got really, really pissed about it, threatened to come back and destroy you? Oh, you remember, the one who was always smoking crack and shooting up heroin? Yeah, that one. Well, she's standing behind you with a machete. You may want to consider taking a wee bit of a break and dealing with that if you're of the mind to do so."

In other words, it's there for emergencies, but, go figure, it's never actually been used. Well, except for once on the forums. ;)

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 23

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 12:21:09 PM

starymists

Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittensmailbox
no safe words??? Are you in sane or just stupid??? I do not care how long a person has been in the life style, SAFTY comes first...

Being that we are all supposedly adults here, I think we can engage in a discussion without resorting to name calling. How one chooses to practice BDSM is not open to debate nor should it be open to ridicule. And when did you get left in charge of deciding what is sane and smart for someone else to practice?

That being said...Some subs use safe words to manipulate or top from the bottom. And that's not right. Doesn't mean that it is appropriate for everyone to play without a safe word. For myself, my limits with my Dominant are clearly defined and accepted by him. Therefore, the only need I have for a safe word is to let him know that there is something going on that he didn't plan on. For example, I've gotten a severe pain from the way I've been bound before. Hello? He needs to know that. I've had bad experiences in the past. If I start to have a flashback in the middle of play, He really needs to know that. So in our case, the safe word is a slow down rather than a stop, and it has been that way since day 1.

On the other hand, I can't remember the last time I actually had to use my safe word because he knows me very well, and usually picks up on that kind of thing all by himself. On occasion, he will tell me that we are moving into a new area and if there is something he needs to know then I'm to call my safe word, but we are rapidly getting to a point, where I no longer need to retain it's use. That does not make me anything other than in a very healthy relationship where open communication has allowed him to assume full responsibility for my safety under most circumstances. And if we continue on this path/journey, we will wind up in a place where I have no need to worry about my safety...cuz I know that I know that he can handle it.

< Message edited by starymists -- 4/20/2006 12:23:30 PM >

(in reply to kittensmailbox)

Post #: 24

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 12:31:40 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittensmailbox

i do appologize that my words did not come out very lady like... i did not mean to flame or hurt anyones feelings...

1. i don't care about anyone's ladylike'ness or not

2. you can not possibly hurt my feelings as you have no idea or clue as to who & what i am (although i'm not sure what was intended by asking someone if they are insane or stupid)

3. flame or not - i simply stated that i won't bother answering such a question posed like that. i am here to engage in adult dialogue. What you offered was not that.

(in reply to kittensmailbox)

Post #: 25

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 12:34:51 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: kittensmailbox

Then dont... you answerd my question with the lil words you said...

Somehow you missed my post where I said "Sure, I've never had one or asked for one."

*sniffle*

Owned, you get the best insults.

LMAO!! Yeah i was wondering why you weren't lumped in with me there...hahahaha....i am happy to share the love. Since i know you are also far from being stupid, i can call you that and it can mean as much to you as it did to me!!

Kumbaya, anyone?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 26

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 12:55:08 PM

understud

Posts: 102
Joined: 4/12/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for bringing up this question; and i freely state this is only my opinion. If i have done my home work on who i am playing with and had an honest upfront sit down to discuss what is or is not going to occur the the idea of a safe word or signal seems redundant...IT IS NOT. In anything ...things happen, for whatever reason. if i'm unable to communicate by sound or by some signal my allergies have just kicked in and i'm suffocating, not reacting to whatever is being inflicted on me, everyone is going to have a big problem when my dead little body...well not so little, granted... is hauled away. That is what a safe word means to me; a means to save my live, not a convenience, or a means to draw attention that i don't like what's going on, all that should have been covered before i ever got into the situation in the first place.

But this is only one opinion. That said; i would think the Dominant
would be well aware of the potential for disaster...and i mean disaster; as i said all the other aspects should have been covered in depth. As for a 24/7 ... still looking but i'm not that long here...I don't know about that ..I believe when i am collared we shall have already covered this and some understanding that if such a signal or word is given...I would mean this is no joke its the real deal; i believe i may be dieing or about to. So there it is...i say everybody do what their comfortable with. but not to plan for the unexpected seems imprudent. respectfully submitted

_____________________________

If you don't love and respect yourself; how the hell can you love and respect anyone else

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Post #: 27

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 1:07:53 PM

slaveofdarkhold

Posts: 124
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline

Understud- I think your opinion closely resembles what I was trying to get across in the beginning. The safeword for me is a contingency plan for everyone's safety. You can never know 100% that something wont go wrong that you haven't planned for, no matter how well you know each other or how experienced you may be. A safeword shouldn't be used lightly and hopefully would never need to be used. But it needs to be there nonetheless. BitaTruble gave an excellent example of a good safeword scenario.

(in reply to understud)

Post #: 28

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 1:27:31 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveofdarkhold
But it needs to be there nonetheless. BitaTruble gave an excellent example of a good safeword scenario.

My general point is that you don't need a safeword in case of emergencies- we've got plenty of great words and ways to communicate already in case of emergencies. That's what I use.

In cases of extreme role play where the normal ways we communicate emergencies might be missed, then perhaps a safe word comes into play. Otherwise, no need for me.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to slaveofdarkhold)

Post #: 29

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 1:47:03 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

i dont have much to add, except i havent a safe word period. So really i cant add anything else to the topic

(in reply to slaveofdarkhold)

Post #: 30

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 1:48:26 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

A safeword is a fine manifestation of SSC bullshit.

(in reply to slaveofdarkhold)

Post #: 31

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 1:53:33 PM

VvShadowspawnvV

Posts: 218
Joined: 3/27/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Overall, I think plain communication is better than any safe word "The restraints are cutting off circulation" informs me a hell of a lot more about what's going on than "red".

Yep- as i am owned by my Master, i have no "safe word"- but He requires me to tell Him if something is hurting me "unintentionally" (an ankle cuff twisted once and was hurting in a something-might-break-in-there kinda way, for example). And i am allowed to tell Him something hurts, and how bad, and to beg Him to stop/ease up. But He is the Master. =)

becca

< Message edited by VvShadowspawnvV -- 4/20/2006 1:55:26 PM >

(in reply to Proprietrix)

Post #: 32

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 2:00:29 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

Posts: 1893
Joined: 6/12/2004
From: Rochester, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

A safeword is a fine manifestation of SSC bullshit.

I would probably agree with that, and add that they exist for much of the same psychological reasons that SSC does. They provide the illusion of safety (and even control), in an inherently unsafe activity. They allow one to ignore those voices inside of their head, if only for a scene.

Every contract I have negotiated has safewords. I never use them, and have never had them used on me. In my contracts, I also clearly stipulate that I expect those who serve me to speak to me to convey their emotional/physical state. You get so much more out of a conversation then you can ever get out of "Red" or "Yellow."

Now, there are some very valid uses for safewords. There are those who like to scream "No" and "Stop" and don't want to use those words to mean what they actually mean. For those, it is vital that there be a word to replace those words. Particularly when the top and bottom are not that familiar with one another.

In a long term relationship, that does not involve heavy resistance play, I can not see the need for safewords.

Taggard

_____________________________

A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 33

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 3:39:09 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

Hmmmm..... safe words...... Knowing that some do not have one... some do but don't use.... but it's there in case.... kewl. It's what it works for each individual. I have to admit, and this is not ment as an insult or to offend anyone. But when I read someone saying they aren't allowed safe words, I have can't help but laugh. I can understand being in a relationship with one that is strong enough with trust that safe words are not used...... but to not be "allowed" one....lol.

Not even sure who i'm laughing at. The Dom that is dumb enough to expect no safe word.... or the sub/slave dumb enough to except this from the get go. But to each their own I guess.

What a safe word means to me...... it means... HEY... That shit ain't working right... stop and try another route or stop all together... LOL. But I also use a name as a safe word. Not a color, or anything like that. I say the Doms first name. It grabs their attention faster I think. And so does the ones i've had to use it on before too. They're not expecting to hear me call them by their first name. And when they hear that... they perk up and pay attention. But normally going into a play scene... properly knowing things... prevents the use of a safe word. Limits are already known... and if paying attention... knows when they've been reached... knows when it's being asked to push a little further.. not slammed. But again... it's all with who you are with.. and how much trust is bulit into the situation. I just know PERSONALLY... I will not "allow" someone to tell me I am not "allowed" a safe word at all. Does this make me a stubborn sub?.... Probably does.... but my safety means more to me that someone seeking pleasure on his own high and not paying attention to safety issues.

Owned... still waiting on an answer from you about your Master....

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 34

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 3:49:15 PM

MasterR001

Posts: 76
Joined: 3/10/2006
Status: offline

I do not play without a safe word. One reason is there really is no such thing as a "no limits" sub. Another is it lets the sub cry, scream and beg for the scene to stop, and she knows it will continue until the safe word is envoked. An even better reason is she knows that when the word is used, all play stops, and the scene is over- in this way it is a good to to expand limits.

(in reply to slaveofdarkhold)

Post #: 35

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 4:02:43 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Yeah, I agree with all that, but was too lazy to spell it all out. Subjects like safewords and SSC just put me to sleep.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

A safeword is a fine manifestation of SSC bullshit.

I would probably agree with that, and add that they exist for much of the same psychological reasons that SSC does. They provide the illusion of safety (and even control), in an inherently unsafe activity. They allow one to ignore those voices inside of their head, if only for a scene.

Every contract I have negotiated has safewords. I never use them, and have never had them used on me. In my contracts, I also clearly stipulate that I expect those who serve me to speak to me to convey their emotional/physical state. You get so much more out of a conversation then you can ever get out of "Red" or "Yellow."

Now, there are some very valid uses for safewords. There are those who like to scream "No" and "Stop" and don't want to use those words to mean what they actually mean. For those, it is vital that there be a word to replace those words. Particularly when the top and bottom are not that familiar with one another.

In a long term relationship, that does not involve heavy resistance play, I can not see the need for safewords.

Taggard

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

Post #: 36

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 4:09:53 PM

stef

Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline

Safewords are a placebo, nothing more. They make people feel somehow safer than they would be without them. There is nothing that you can accomplish with a safeword that can't be accomplished with normal, everyday language and communication. You can still cry, scream, beg without things coming to a stop and strangely enough, if you yell "FUCK, I THINK I JUST DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER!", things *will* come to a stop just as fast and with much more clarity and useful information than yelling "RED" or "PUMPERNICKLE" or whatever.

But hey, if it makes you feel better to use them, knock yourself out.

~stef

_____________________________

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(in reply to MasterR001)

Post #: 37

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 4:14:19 PM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

Safewords are only as good as the people involved in the scene. If a person can't accept that someone can need to stop, or someone is incapable of using a safeword they're of no value.

Some submissives are reluctant to use them because they feel like they have failed in doing so. Some doms feel that having a sub use their safeword means that they have failed to be observant enough. If the two come together you get a sub who can let things go way too far because they don't want their Dom/me to feel like a failure.

I don't think punishment means no safeword. The person being punished is still the only one who knows when they simply take can't any more or is on the verge of extreme mental distress or panic attack. As much as some would like to believe it to be so most doms aren't omniscient.

(in reply to kittensmailbox)

Post #: 38

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 4:27:00 PM

MichMasochist

Posts: 234
Joined: 12/23/2005
Status: offline

quote:

- What do you consider an appropriate use of a safeword? Is this a hard and fast rule or does it depend on the partner and situation?

An appropriate use of a safeword is when there is an emergency. As example would be loss of circulation or feeling dizzy or sick.

It shouldn't be used to top from the bottom or stop an activity the bottom doesn't like and most certainly not because it hurts. That's what begging for mercy is for, and hard limits.

The mistress chooses when she wants to stop what she is doing to her slave based on the agreed level of play. Sensual, Pain, or Punishment.

quote:

- Is it ever ok to not have a safeword? Should subs be able to safeword in a punishment?

I really don't think it's ok to not have a safeword. Yea it's SSC, I like the idea.

As for punishment, I hafta ask is what do you define as punishment. To some it is discriptive of the level of play intesisty; and has nothing to do with corrective measures for inapropriate behavior. For me punishment is when the mistress desires to make me beg her for mercy. She chooses the punishment, as well as the severity and duration thereof. So as for being punished, I have the right to agree, accepting the punishment she has choosen, or I may safeword before the punishment begins and not receive the punishment.

During play mistress doesn't hafta wonder does he really mean "stop", or "no". She can kick back, relax and get into having her share of the fun and not worry about going too far.

Although I have never been punished or used a safeword.

quote:

- Does a safeword automatically stop a scene? Do you instead use it as a break to assess the situation or continue in a different direction? Do you have more than one safeword to denote different things?

Safeword only stops the immediate activity. Ending only that specific activity and not the session. If the sub safewords and says "I want to stop playing", or something like that, they chooses to end the session in its' intirerity. And play must stop.

quote:

-Is the safeword effective? Have you ever encountered a situation where a sub may have needed to safeword but was unable due to being in too much pain/emotion/ in sub space to remember or even think of it?

Yep, I often loose the ability to speak when receiving a certain mistress' best strokes. I get a warm fuzzy feeling of floating outside my body. This is were a quality dominatrix is of critical important. Not just some wanta-be with a whip and more attitude then competents.
Oh and by the way holding on to an object that is suposed to be dropped as a substitute for safewording doesn't work in this state of being.

quote:

- (To the subs) Have you ever felt too ashamed or embarassed to safword? Have you ever been pressured by a dominant partner not to use it, or been made to feel bad or 'not a real sub' if you did?

Ashamed or embarassed? Never. Self motivated to impress the mistress by not safewording no-matter-what, Yes.

Never been pressured to not use. Coresponded with a woman, or supposed woman, who said she doesn't play with anyone who wants a safeword. Never replied to that letter.

If your dominate partner is telling you this, run, don't walk, run fast, run far, and spread the word. Let us know or let someone know.

< Message edited by MichMasochist -- 4/20/2006 5:12:16 PM >

(in reply to slaveofdarkhold)

Post #: 39

RE: Safewords- what are they to you? - 4/20/2006 4:33:48 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Yay, let's get the BDSM police!

quote:

ORIGINAL: MichMasochist

Never been pressured to not use. Coresponded with a woman, or supposed woman, who said she doesn't play with anyone who wants a safeword. Never replied to that letter.

If your dominate partner is telling you this, run, don't walk, run fast, run far, and spread the word. Let us know or let someone know.

(in reply to MichMasochist)

Post #: 40

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