quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

I believe that when you love someone and care deeply about them, you will do things to keep relationship going and compensate for any of your shortcomings. As such, love and emotions ("Who we are") will result in "What we do", making them both one and the same.

My theory is that when you care about someone you will make excuses for all of their mistakes - they can't do wrong by you. And when you fall out of love, every small thing will start to irritate you, eventually leading to the break up...unless the other person is strong enough to compensate for your lack of feelings until you fall in love again.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

quote:

Why do relationships fail?

People expect perfection or nothing.

Not hard to see where that's heading.

If you expected perfection from your friends, friendships would fail too.

quote:

like what Will Smith and his wife have said when asked about the longevity (in Hollywood years) of their marriage. "We made divorce not an option." That is very similar to what GD and I have done.

Sometimes, I think we need to be more open to evolving a relationship rather than ending it. It's worked for me anyway.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

I believe that when you love someone and care deeply about them, you will do things to keep relationship going and compensate for any of your shortcomings. As such, love and emotions ("Who we are") will result in "What we do", making them both one and the same.

My theory is that when you care about someone you will make excuses for all of their mistakes - they can't do wrong by you. And when you fall out of love, every small thing will start to irritate you, eventually leading to the break up...unless the other person is strong enough to compensate for your lack of feelings until you fall in love again.

I have issue with the bolded part. When you are in love, you should not make excuses for all of your partner's mistakes. That is just delusional. There is a huge difference between defending your partner, giving them tough love when needed and turning a blind eye to their mistakes.

When I say mistakes, some people will not see red flags that are clear indicators that things are going very wrong. I know, I used to do that and say, oh he will change, blah blah blah.

No, I think if you are in love with someone and they make a mistake you need to tell them about it, nicely of course, especially if it affects you. If you do not, and just expect it to change, you will be waiting a long time. If you do and they still do not change the behavior that is hurting you, that is a warning sign that this may not be the relationship you signed up for.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Icarys

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedStapler

quote:

This I would agree with to a point. I've been in relationships that felt easy and as natural as rain..Didn't feel like work very much.

If that is the case, then what happened? If you don't mind my asking. Those relationships must have ended for a reason.

I made mistakes.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

I believe that when you love someone and care deeply about them, you will do things to keep relationship going and compensate for any of your shortcomings. As such, love and emotions ("Who we are") will result in "What we do", making them both one and the same.

My theory is that when you care about someone you will make excuses for all of their mistakes - they can't do wrong by you. And when you fall out of love, every small thing will start to irritate you, eventually leading to the break up...unless the other person is strong enough to compensate for your lack of feelings until you fall in love again.

I have issue with the bolded part. When you are in love, you should not make excuses for all of your partner's mistakes. That is just delusional. There is a huge difference between defending your partner, giving them tough love when needed and turning a blind eye to their mistakes.

When I say mistakes, some people will not see red flags that are clear indicators that things are going very wrong. I know, I used to do that and say, oh he will change, blah blah blah.

No, I think if you are in love with someone and they make a mistake you need to tell them about it, nicely of course, especially if it affects you. If you do not, and just expect it to change, you will be waiting a long time. If you do and they still do not change the behavior that is hurting you, that is a warning sign that this may not be the relationship you signed up for.

It is easy one to call it a "mistake" or a "shortcoming" after the fact, after you broke up, after you don't love any more, after other people told you for the hundredth time that you were blind all along. However, when you are truly in love, you are blind to those things and your partner is perfect. Once you notice those "mistakes", you are no longer in love. I hope this makes more sense.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

FR

Define "fail." I think we tend to assume that a relationship fails at the same time that it ends. I don't think it's that simple. Sometimes relationships fail and then are repurposed (in both healthy and unhealthy ways). Failure is also determined by your definition of success. I've been in a relationship with a guy for over a year that has been a fantastic success by the terms that we have designed. He'll be moving soon, and it will end, but I won't think of it as a failure. In a fucked up sort of way, it's pretty easily the healthiest relationship I've ever had, in part because we never kidded ourselves that we were meant to go the distance.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant
But...in looking at failure, I will echo lucienne.  Define failure.  I was married to the same woman for 18 yrs, involved with her for 20.  We produced two semi-wonderful kids.  We took each other to places that we had not been mentally, physically, emotionally, professionally...some of it good, some of it not so good.  The marriage ended so yeah, overall...t'was a failure.  But certainly not a complete failure.

quote:

Oh, I definately know already that I cannot love someone unconditionally. I know better; the conditions will be there. If things don't work out, I might stick around out of hope, but I won't be loving anyone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
...

Love really ISN'T blind. You can be madly in love with someone IN SPITE of their foibles. Infatuation, lust, THOSE are blind and stupid.

quote:

But THAT is the test and true measure of relationships. It's easy to say I accept them for what they are, but how often do we really mean it? How often are people really committed to being able to let go of mistakes and help a partner move past it? THAT is the work and where relationships fail in my opinion.

Yes, there are idiotic things that happen that should make relationships fail, some mistakes destroy relationships and are impossible to get past, but I just see so many announcements of intolerance declaring SO much to be an insurmountable mistake it makes me wonder.

I do agree that some of it is blind luck and much of it is compatibility and honestly sometimes it just happens that you wake up one day and realize that you are no longer in love and you cannot get it back. Thinking in similar patterns, having similar viewpoints on many things and being able to share those does go a long way towards building the foundation of a relationship.

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

Oh, I definately know already that I cannot love someone unconditionally. I know better; the conditions will be there. If things don't work out, I might stick around out of hope, but I won't be loving anyone.

My love maybe unconditional, my willingness to be in a relationship is not...