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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 4:45:58 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

I don't think you can love 'blindly'. Love is seeing the other person as a whole person - faults and all - and accepting them.

Sure you see their faults too, but they aren't in focus. This is where compatibility comes in. If someone's faults are so frustrating and annoying that you find you can no longer focus on the PERSON you love - then there's a glaring incompatibility. I've loved individuals that I could never ever live with on an extended basis. Adored the hell outa them. But, if I had to live with them - I'd probably do lotsa non-consensual damage to them.



Good points..I also don't believe in unconditional love either in most situations if not all.


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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 4:55:22 PM   
Jeffff


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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 4:56:42 PM   
Lucienne


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Thanks for this post, I got a tremendous amount out of it


I'm happy you got something out of it, but I feel kind of guilty accepting thanks because I guess I already feel so fortunate for the experience. It's funny, he's over ten years younger than me and I was quite conscious from the start of Dan Savage's "Campground Rule" for being involved with a significantly younger partner - leave them in better condition than you found them. When it's all said and done, I think we'll both be in better condition than when we started. In some pretty fundamental ways. I really didn't expect that.

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 5:10:19 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

Good points..I also don't believe in unconditional love either in most situations if not all.


My child taught me what unconditional love is, and once I learned that lesson on the heart level I was able to apply it to other people in my life...

There are things even our children can do that may preclude our having relationships with them, but nonetheless we don't stop loving them even if forced to quit interacting with them.

I have loved a man without condition, and part of me will always love him, but that does not mean I can be with him. And it does not mean I can't love other men, either.

_____________________________

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 5:11:40 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Thanks for this post, I got a tremendous amount out of it


I'm happy you got something out of it, but I feel kind of guilty accepting thanks because I guess I already feel so fortunate for the experience. It's funny, he's over ten years younger than me and I was quite conscious from the start of Dan Savage's "Campground Rule" for being involved with a significantly younger partner - leave them in better condition than you found them. When it's all said and done, I think we'll both be in better condition than when we started. In some pretty fundamental ways. I really didn't expect that.



I think that is a worthy goal no matter the relationship



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 6:31:40 PM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

I believe that when you love someone and care deeply about them, you will do things to keep relationship going and compensate for any of your shortcomings. As such, love and emotions ("Who we are") will result in "What we do", making them both one and the same.

My theory is that when you care about someone you will make excuses for all of their mistakes - they can't do wrong by you. And when you fall out of love, every small thing will start to irritate you, eventually leading to the break up...unless the other person is strong enough to compensate for your lack of feelings until you fall in love again.



I have issue with the bolded part. When you are in love, you should not make excuses for all of your partner's mistakes. That is just delusional. There is a huge difference between defending your partner, giving them tough love when needed and turning a blind eye to their mistakes.

When I say mistakes, some people will not see red flags that are clear indicators that things are going very wrong. I know, I used to do that and say, oh he will change, blah blah blah.

No, I think if you are in love with someone and they make a mistake you need to tell them about it, nicely of course, especially if it affects you. If you do not, and just expect it to change, you will be waiting a long time. If you do and they still do not change the behavior that is hurting you, that is a warning sign that this may not be the relationship you signed up for.


It is easy one to call it a "mistake" or a "shortcoming" after the fact, after you broke up, after you don't love any more, after other people told you for the hundredth time that you were blind all along. However, when you are truly in love, you are blind to those things and your partner is perfect. Once you notice those "mistakes", you are no longer in love. I hope this makes more sense.


No, that makes no sense at all and it is not what I said. What I said was that it is possible to see flaws, mistakes, shortcomings or things that are red flags WHILE YOU ARE IN THE MIDST OF BEING IN LOVE. Not just when it is over.

Did you know that you can actually still be in love with someone who is not right for you and whose flaws do not mesh with your own flaws?

Love is only blind for a certain amount of time, any intelligent person usually starts noticing things sooner than later. It is how you choose to deal with that, that makes the difference.

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 6:36:59 PM   
sexyred1


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucienne

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Thanks for this post, I got a tremendous amount out of it


I'm happy you got something out of it, but I feel kind of guilty accepting thanks because I guess I already feel so fortunate for the experience. It's funny, he's over ten years younger than me and I was quite conscious from the start of Dan Savage's "Campground Rule" for being involved with a significantly younger partner - leave them in better condition than you found them. When it's all said and done, I think we'll both be in better condition than when we started. In some pretty fundamental ways. I really didn't expect that.



That is interesting. Not that I love Dan Savage so much. I guess I broke the campground rule. My ex is significantly younger than me and we spent years and years together.

We most definitely did not leave each other in better condition than when we started. Far from it.

Different results for different folks I guess.

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 6:41:44 PM   
thatsub


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Status: offline 		I will agree to disagree and will bow out of this discussion, because my love experience has been different from what many seem to believe it should have been. 

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 6:48:55 PM   
gungadin09


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quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

I will agree to disagree and will bow out of this discussion, because my love experience has been different from what many seem to believe it should have been. 


Don't you know how to fall in love? What's wrong with you?

kidding,
pam

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 6:49:17 PM   
sexyred1


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Status: offline 		Hey, we can all disagree and no one expects you or anyone else to have had the same life experiences. That is why this is a discussion board, so we can all discuss our own views.

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 6:58:51 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

I will agree to disagree and will bow out of this discussion, because my love experience has been different from what many seem to believe it should have been. 


Is there a right or wrong view on love and what it is? I am still figuring out the dimensions of it myself. I think you maybe a tad bit oversensitive on the subject

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 7:05:07 PM   
gungadin09


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Status: offline 		Is there anyone who's been in a long-standing, successful relationship who wants to share their secrets?

pam

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 7:09:40 PM   
thatsub


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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania


quote:

ORIGINAL: thatsub

I will agree to disagree and will bow out of this discussion, because my love experience has been different from what many seem to believe it should have been. 


Is there a right or wrong view on love and what it is? I am still figuring out the dimensions of it myself. I think you maybe a tad bit oversensitive on the subject

I think you are right, I might be oversensitive on this subject. When I am discussing it, old memories make it hard to think straight and not to get upset at things I shouldn't care about.


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Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. Plato

Confucius say: To make a long story short, don't tell it.

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 7:25:05 PM   
juliaoceania


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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Is there anyone who's been in a long-standing, successful relationship who wants to share their secrets?

pam


Most of what I see of people who have really really long term relationships is that they get really good at tolerating each other, and occasionally they end up being great friends. This is why someone I like being around is crucial for me. It is harder than it looks to find someone who is a friend and who I find attractive. At least I am no longer attracted to people I do not feel that could make a great friend too... in fact if they aren't friend material I don't want to waste my time



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/16/2010 8:29:58 PM   
Musicmystery


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

Why do fools fall in love?


Wise men say,
Only fools rush in...


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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/17/2010 2:47:45 PM   
TreasureKY


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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Is there anyone who's been in a long-standing, successful relationship who wants to share their secrets?

pam


Firm and I are only at the four year mark so I won't classify us as "long-standing".  We expect to get there, though. 

I do suspect anyone qualified to answer your question is going to include just about all the advice given here.  Good words all around.

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/17/2010 2:54:17 PM   
LaTigresse


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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Is there anyone who's been in a long-standing, successful relationship who wants to share their secrets?

pam


First you will have to share what you define as long standing, and as successful.


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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/17/2010 2:56:53 PM   
Icarys


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Is there anyone who's been in a long-standing, successful relationship who wants to share their secrets?

pam


First you will have to share what you define as long standing, and as successful.


You've been together for awhile and your happy about it still?


_____________________________

submission - the feeling of patient, submissive humbleness - the state of being submissive or compliant; meekness.

Alaska Bound-The Official Countdown Has Started!
http://tinyurl.com/872mcu3
http://alturl.com/mog7m

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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/17/2010 3:05:10 PM   
LadyPact


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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

Is there anyone who's been in a long-standing, successful relationship who wants to share their secrets?

pam

Would you consider an eight year marriage?  It's not terribly 'long-standing' but it's not exactly in the honeymoon stage, either.


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RE: Why do relationships fail? - 8/17/2010 11:38:07 PM   
gungadin09


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Status: offline 		i'll take any advice you all got.

pam

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