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i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 3:08:16 AM   
nashsubcurious4w


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/15/2010
Status: offline 		i am a newbie and full of questions. my Master is the first for me but so far He seems to being doing and saying all the right things. i'm just confused about something and need to know if this is normal. i have exteremely sensitive nipples (due to surgery) and warned Him of this before we had our fist encounter a month ago. Yesterday, He began twisting and pulling my nipples. Several times I had to beg Him to stop and He did. All day yesterday and this morning, I am in pain. So much that I cannot bear to wear a bra and when i get hard i could almost cry. He travels and will be gone for the next three weeks so i will have plenty of time for my nipples to recover until i see Him again.

i'm trying to understand how this is supposed to be as far as the progression of pain. i really did not go into this looking for extreme pain, just a little but my Master is very experienced. i've enjoyed everything He has exposed me to except for this.
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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 3:16:25 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Hiya...and welcome

I'm assuming that you had explained thoroughly to your Master that the nipple hypersensitivity was caused by surgery. Assuming this is the case, then really he should not have done what he did to the extent that he did it...particularly after you told him to stop.

And here is the newbie 'problem'...(and I've been there too - not getting judgemental here, lol) - did you use your safeword? If you did, and he continued, then he was totally wrong. If you didn't use it, then he gets to decide when to stop.

You NEED to start using it! Doms aren't mind-readers (although some would like to think otherwise...) and they need to learn where the limits are. It's not shameful or bad to use safewords - they're there to protect you from harm, and the relationship from harm

If you don't have a safeword, then you need one. If you don't want a safeword, then you need to make nipple torture a hard limit (if only until they heal sufficiently). Surgery is not something minor, and you risk causing damage if you don't take care of yourself.



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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 3:17:23 AM   
wittynamehere


Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline 		Did he maybe not hear you correctly, or could he have perhaps forgotten you told him that? Misunderstandings can happen..

< Message edited by wittynamehere -- 8/18/2010 3:18:57 AM >

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 3:23:10 AM   
BlackTigerDragon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/1/2010
Status: offline 		Do you want him to twist your nipples? If not, then are you ok with pain that you do not want? As you said, you were not looking for extreame pain. And he pretty much gave it to you.
Personally I would not even touch someone's nipples after knowing there has been surgery done. Just to be safe.
But I don't know anything. Is it safe to do that to nipples after surgery? You seem to be in a lot of pain. I'm a little worried about this.

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 3:29:03 AM   
BlackTigerDragon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/1/2010
Status: offline 		Another thing I am worried about: He is apparently 'experienced', yet twisting and pulling hypersensitive nipples after recent surgery is a perfectly good idea?

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 4:08:47 AM   
nashsubcurious4w


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/15/2010
Status: offline 		My sugery was in 2002 but I am still very senstivie. Yes, I explained this. Yes, we have a safe word but I did not use it. In my efforts to please Him, i did not use it. i realize now that nothing is wrong with the word and you are right, myotherself, He is not a mind reader.
i texted Him this morning to tell Him i need to talk to Him about this.

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 4:21:20 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsubcurious4w

My sugery was in 2002 but I am still very senstivie. Yes, I explained this. Yes, we have a safe word but I did not use it. In my efforts to please Him, i did not use it. i realize now that nothing is wrong with the word and you are right, myotherself, He is not a mind reader.
i texted Him this morning to tell Him i need to talk to Him about this.


You can't do that. There is not a man alive who doesn't get that text and think, "fuck". We are men, we don't need to be warned or spend the day pondering what you might say. That's not how we are built.

I don't think I am going out on a limb saying most if not all men hate that.

I am not saying you don't talk to him. I am saying," we need to talk when you get home tonight" blows.

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 4:37:07 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsubcurious4w

Yes, we have a safe word but I did not use it. In my efforts to please Him, i did not use it.


You had a safeword and did not use it.  You told him to stop, and he did (some Doms would not stop without the safeword).

The fact that your nipples are sensitive doesn't matter.  He doesn't know HOW sensitive - YOU do. You need to use your safewords - that's your form of communication. 

Personally, I'm not pleased when a sub doesn't use her safeword.  Damage could result.  Chalk this one up to lessons learned.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 4:38:18 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsubcurious4w

Yes, we have a safe word but I did not use it. In my efforts to please Him, i did not use it. i realize now that nothing is wrong with the word and you are right, myotherself, He is not a mind reader.



read the above again and again and again.

As a submissive it is important to take responsibility for yourself

edited to add - to take responsibility for letting your dominant know by using your safe word if you have one that the pain is too much


< Message edited by wandersalone -- 8/18/2010 4:39:27 AM >

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 8:10:37 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsubcurious4w
...Yes, we have a safe word but I did not use it. In my efforts to please Him, i did not use it. i realize now that nothing is wrong with the word and you are right, myotherself, He is not a mind reader...

For Carol and I, not only is it not incorrect to use the safe word, I would've considered it mandatory. If I gave her a safe word then I obviously intended her to exercise her judgement and use it when appropriate. I'm full well aware that these can be muddy lines and sometimes things go too far in the heat of the moment. But the general thought that it's bad to use the safe word is rebellious in my mind.

quote:

i texted Him this morning to tell Him i need to talk to Him about this.

I agree with Jefff on this one. It was the right move to communicate. But the "we need to talk" messages are just bad news to men. I'd have much preferred a bit more detail so that I knew this was only a minor issue. Perhaps something more along the lines of, "That was a great night last night but sheez I'm still very, very sore. I'd like to bring you up to speed on my pain the next chance we get."

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 8:30:17 AM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff
I don't think I am going out on a limb saying most if not all men hate that.


Not as terrifyng as hearing "Fine." Which is the passive-aggressive version of "We need to talk."

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/18/2010 8:41:14 AM >

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 8:40:38 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

but my Master is very experienced. i've enjoyed everything He has exposed me to except for this.
quote:

ORIGINAL: nashsubcurious4w


You need to just tell him how uncomfortable this is for you.  If he is "that" experienced, he will listen to you and be more sensitive to you.

Communicate with him as simply as you did on this forum.


quote:

But the general thought that it's bad to use the safe word is rebellious in my mind.
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527


Very interesting thought.  I never would have considered it rebellion.





< Message edited by RealSub58 -- 8/18/2010 8:46:13 AM >

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 8:47:26 AM   
nashsubcurious4w


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/15/2010
Status: offline 		Jeffff, you were right and i should have approached this conversation in a more respectful way since i would like the same approach.

Thank you everyone for your responses. Since this posting, we talked and i covnveyed my feelings and the pain i'm having today. This is definitely a lessons learned and in my desire to please Him, i overlooked myself.

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 8:54:23 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Nash, you're new. You're learning

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 9:03:24 AM   
nashsubcurious4w


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/15/2010
Status: offline 		i'm trying

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 9:12:29 AM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Well, I do hope your discussion with him goes well, but, I don't see why it wouldn't.

Learning takes time usually, and willingness. That you are willing to openly discuss things like "Hey, the other night, uh... maybe I should actually explain how sensitive my nipples are a bit better.", is quite impressive. It's surprising how many people in relationships of any kind, but especially here, are actually afraid to openly and frankly discuss sex and sexuality with eachother. Even the thought of mentioning nipples in a serious context to many of them is nearly taboo for some reason. So, that is admirable. :) And I doubt that he's an unreasonable person normally, just from what you've said here, so things should work out for you both I'm sure. :)

Also, I agree with the anteater up there... Why do y'all do that "We need to talk later" thing? With guys it's better to just be sitting there and "Oh, by the way, the other night....". Our brains handle that better. You see, we are a simple folk, and open ended things like "We need to talk later", well, that could be anything! Does she want cake? What kind of cake? Cake sounds good. And ice cream. But not with pickles. OH GOD! IS SHE PREGNANT!? O.O

Just a little insight into how the male brain works incorrectly. ;)

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 9:41:04 AM   
nashsubcurious4w


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/15/2010
Status: offline 		Yeh, i see how that might have seemed to Him. The way i approached Him was "i'm am confused about something and want to talk about it". Hopefully that wasn't too bad; He didn't say anything if it was.
As for the willingness to discuss i attribute that to Him. When we first began to get to know each other, He was very clear that discussions need to happen and i need to be upfront wiht Him about what i want and expect.

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 10:48:48 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RealSub58
Very interesting thought.  I never would have considered it rebellion.
Here, I'll show my work. We don't have safe words... but since we don't do "force play" or "S/m" scenarios, plain English works pretty good... something along the lines of "AAAaah! DAMNIT! That hurts! AAaarrggg!" *chuckles*

I actively encourage Carol to provide me timely feedback (the moral equivalent of a safe word I think). In fact, I have specifically commanded same. What that means is that I am relying on her judgement to keep me informed of things that I do not have direct feedback on... her pain levels for instance. If she fails to perform that task knowingly (because yes, I get it that there are grey areas when in the moment *chuckles*) then she has directly disobeyed a command and further taken it upon herself to make a judgement that I'd specifically told her I wanted to make.

I would not be pleased.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 12:15:24 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		The problem does seem to be resolved at this point.  However, it might be beneficial to you to read "The New Bottoming Book".  In it, you are going to find a lot of good information on negotiating, how and when to use your safe word, and a whole lot of other topics that you may not have thought about a lot because you are just getting started.  It is an excellent book and I recommend it often.

By the way, I can tell you from My personal experience that, if there is no safe word called during play, I'm not going to take other words to mean the same thing.  Stop, ow, that hurts, or any other expression that comes up doesn't do the same thing.  That's why a safe word is in place to begin with.


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RE: i am a newbie with questions - 8/18/2010 12:18:21 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		nash, I don't think you were being disrespectful.

Here is the view from where I sit. I got to work this morning at 7:30. I will be here till 5-6 tonight.

Despite the flurry pf posts I sometimes offer here, I spend most of that time.....you know working.

The last thing I need at 8 am is, " we need to talk". I know we won't talk for at least 8 hours.

Why would you ruin my day?...:)

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