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Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:18:46 PM

Kadu12

Posts: 22
Joined: 8/12/2010
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a man to Dominance??

I've been seeing a chap for a few months now, it's a long distance 'thing'. His outlook on sex is very vanilla, well it has been, we're trying to explore different avenues which appeal to me, it's a very strange feeling, trying to direct him when although he's very willing to try new idea's....there's a whole new toy box awaiting my arrival....remote toys which I'm sooo looking forward to trying out

he doesn't really get the power exchange.

I'm not sure he ever will, has anyone had a similar experience?

Post #: 1

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:20:09 PM

Jeffff

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You might be able to lead him to top you. The jury is still out on anything more.

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RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:20:31 PM

hlen5

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No you can't.

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RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:25:58 PM

samboct

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I suspect it's like ice cream. While someone who likes vanilla, might be willing to try chocolate for you, because you love it so, deep down, he'll still really prefer vanilla.

A broader outlook might be better- can you lead someone into kink?

there are two possibilities:

1) He's too shy to admit to kinky desires.
2) He really doesn't have kinky desires, but does have an open mind and is willing to please you.

If he's got kinky desires, but just a bit different from yours- then yeah, you've got a shot to lead him someplace else. But sans those desires,- it's like trying to teach someone to love chocolate, who really prefers vanilla.

Cheers,

Sam

(in reply to hlen5)

Post #: 4

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:28:28 PM

Kadu12

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Joined: 8/12/2010
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Excuse my newbie questions, but what's the differance between Top and Dom.... I did try google

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RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:31:41 PM

Kadu12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: samboct

I suspect it's like ice cream. While someone who likes vanilla, might be willing to try chocolate for you, because you love it so, deep down, he'll still really prefer vanilla.

A broader outlook might be better- can you lead someone into kink?

there are two possibilities:

1) He's too shy to admit to kinky desires.
2) He really doesn't have kinky desires, but does have an open mind and is willing to please you.

If he's got kinky desires, but just a bit different from yours- then yeah, you've got a shot to lead him someplace else. But sans those desires,- it's like trying to teach someone to love chocolate, who really prefers vanilla.

Cheers,

Sam

I'm not sure he has kinky ideas...I've tried to unlock his wildest fanstasies, although he's willing to try out mine he's yet to come up with any of his own...I'm not sure time, comfort, etc will change anything.

Loving the analogy.

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Post #: 6

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:35:31 PM

Jeffff

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The definitions can get a little weird.

A top is someone who would spank you and tie you up and shit. He would not "dominate" you mentally or emotionally.

Of course this definition is not universal.

Leave me ALONE people!.

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RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:37:13 PM

brummasters2

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Joined: 6/22/2009
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a TOP is sort of a vanilla dom , in as far as they take the sexual lead . The main difference is a dom/me is likely to use "toys " more than a vanilla top, by toys i mean various items of a bdsm nature inc bondage

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Post #: 8

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:42:18 PM

LadyPact

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Top - The giver of sensations during a scene.

Dominant - The person who wants to have authority in a dynamic.

That question aside, I am chiming in here to let you know there have been a few threads in the past that have addressed this question. You may be interested in reading them. Of course, the answer varies from situation to situation and person to person. In some cases, it is successful and others it is not. It may take you a little work through the search feature, but along with this thread, they may provide you with some additional information.

I'll also ask that you forgive the intrusion. I happen to be a female Dominant and not everyone is willing to hear answers from a different group that they have addressed. My only personal experience with this would be people who have become interested in kink and/or poly for Me.

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RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 2:46:43 PM

Kadu12

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Top - The giver of sensations during a scene.

Dominant - The person who wants to have authority in a dynamic.

That question aside, I am chiming in here to let you know there have been a few threads in the past that have addressed this question. You may be interested in reading them. Of course, the answer varies from situation to situation and person to person. In some cases, it is successful and others it is not. It may take you a little work through the search feature, but along with this thread, they may provide you with some additional information.

I'll also ask that you forgive the intrusion. I happen to be a female Dominant and not everyone is willing to hear answers from a different group that they have addressed. My only personal experience with this would be people who have become interested in kink and/or poly for Me.

Thanks for that, I'll do a search for the similar threads.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 10

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 3:52:51 PM

samboct

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Hi Kadu

One thing to keep in mind. While female sexuality can be rather malleable through the years, male sexuality is a bit more fixed. (Nice article a couple of years ago in the NY Times- think entitled Understanding Female Sexuality.) It's one of the ways that men and women really are wired differently. Thus, don't assume that if a male was successful at bringing out a kinky side of a woman, that you would have the same chance of success with your beau.

Best of luck,

Sam

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Post #: 11

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 3:56:06 PM

DarkSteven

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We Doms are better looking than mere Tops.

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RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 4:17:39 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kadu12
Thanks for that, I'll do a search for the similar threads.

You're very welcome. I've been trying to find a couple of threads in particular for you. They really were excellent discussion on the matter, from various perspectives. Some worked and some didn't. Also, they came from various viewpoints; male, female, Dom/me, and sub.

Two phrases that you might want to use as your search criteria would be "how to convert a vanilla spouse" and "when someone you love is kinky". (The later is the same title of a book that I would recommend for you.)

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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Post #: 13

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 7:52:00 PM

junecleaver

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I'm not sure you can lead a man to dominate. I do think you can make him feel comfortable and safe enough to 'unleash' dominance without fear of being called an ass or abuser.

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Post #: 14

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 9:24:15 PM

angelintexas

Posts: 8
Joined: 7/9/2010
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No.

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Post #: 15

RE: Can you lead - 8/19/2010 9:33:45 PM

cbaby

Posts: 103
Joined: 6/23/2005
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i know a guy who says he's interested in exploring the D/s side of things and i'm willing to let him explore with/on me....but it's like he doesn't get it....a couple of smacks on the bum and hair pulling and he's happy...i think he's interested in the kink-lite version, but he's not a Dom....you can direct and guide all you want, but if they don't have the drive/desire/fit word in here, i don't think you can make them into a Dom...i don't know if one can "MAKE a Dom and if you can.....plz share the secret (LOL)

< Message edited by cbaby -- 8/19/2010 9:40:44 PM >

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Post #: 16

RE: Can you lead - 8/20/2010 12:30:13 AM

literarylady

Posts: 34
Joined: 8/19/2010
Status: offline

Oh, how I adore the DarkS. However, he is a bit dishonest. Speaking from personal prejudice, a Dom or Master will win your heart, soul, and mind. A top will sexually dominate you. I've had both. The former...wins EVERY time. EVERY time.

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Post #: 17

RE: Can you lead - 8/20/2010 1:49:12 AM

Twoshoes

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Joined: 7/27/2010
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The real question is do you want to be lead?

I like LadyPact's definition

My thoughts:

If he's going to top you, you're both going to agree to do something and it'll happen.

If he's going to dominate you (even part of the time), he'll decide what you're going to do (as long as it's within the rules/limits). Which means you won't always be super enthusiastic about whatever he picks.

Of course, a good dominant will have enough judgment/self-control/emotional awareness for the both of you.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 8/20/2010 1:54:56 AM >

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Post #: 18

RE: Can you lead - 8/20/2010 2:07:57 AM

dreamerdreaming

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NO.

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Post #: 19

RE: Can you lead - 8/20/2010 6:43:23 AM

sublizzie

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IF he's got a secret yen to be in charge, you can unleash the beast. It's yummy when it works. BTDT.

But if it's not there, it won't happen. Been there, married that. At best you'll both be frustrated. At worst, if he's more of an abuser than a dominant, he'll become very abusive. The one thing submitting to an abuser does is unleash the abuse. It's a whole different ball game than dominance. Been there, married that. I'd suggest you not do that.

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Post #: 20

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