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Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 10:25:50 AM

infyniti

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/13/2004
Status: offline

I am in a 24/7 live in D/s relationship. We met on line at first, did all the usual meeting. Met in 1999 and married in 2001. A happy collared submissive.

We have looked for friends in the lifestyle that are in the same situation as ourselves. We are NOT a poly couple. We do not want another submissive, male or female. Though from the reading i have done lately, everyone is either poly or looking for others to join a couple.
Feelin' like i am way out in left field when i say we are a "mono" couple. It's great to do social events with others but i have NO desire to ever have another Dom play with me, nor could i ever share my toys, kitchen or most of all my Dom with another.
I feel like the old cartoon when the character jumps up and down and screams " Mine, mine, mine!! "

I am beginning to feel that it is harder to find other couples in the lifestyle like ourselves everyday. It is nice to go to dinner, events, have conversation with likeminded people.
Trust me, it is a long search.
Master and i have discussed this subject to death and he has said he have never in his life had the fantasy of the two women thing... or more women thing ( that could be cause he has too many other kinky things going on in there

)

Someone out there has to relate. I am not dissing the poly people as i feel whatever works for you is great. It just doesn't work for us. After a few conversations with some, they find out that we are not looking to have a "kinky flogging party for 4" we never hear from them again.....go figure.

infyniti ~sub only to The Bruce~

Post #: 1

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 10:34:35 AM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

It's odd. I never wanted to be "poly", its just that I consider possessivenes and jealousy to be unbecoming, and I have NEVER in all my years managed to get into a relationship with another monomagamist. There are other monogamists out there, I've known folks who were in "exclusive" relationships with each other, but as has been pointed out in other threads, there's a lot of crossover from the BDSM community and the swinger set.

I'll admit, one of the reasons I started coming to this website was so that I could spend some time with others in the scene without having to deal with a dozen lotharios, some of whom have trouble taking no for an answer, trying to hook up with my wife without the slightest consideration for the fact that I'm right there in front of them. Jealousy may be unbecoming, but there is something to be said for checking with the other person in the triangle.

Then again, as has been mentioned in other threads, some guys will do anything to get laid.

~S

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 2

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 10:37:31 AM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

I can relate. I am not into the poly situation at all. It does seem to work for others, as I have recently learned. There are a lot of couples on this site alone who are not into poly. It could just be your local group. You may have to travel some to meet like-minded couples. Be patient and good luck!!

ann

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 3

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 11:25:32 AM

NoCalOwner

Posts: 241
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetpleaser
It could just be your local group.

I've found this to be fairly true in my area as well. It is NOT that mono people aren't out there, it's just that they don't have as much motivation to show up for munches, etc.

There's also a wide range in non-mono people, and you might find that a lot of them are, by mono standards, quite inoffensive. We, for example, tried out "serious" poly, but concluded that we were just too well suited to each other, that any 3rd party getting involved with us would be extremely unlikely to fit as well, and would thus end up getting the worse of the deal. We aren't averse to playing with other people, but often go to some lengths to ensure that it *cannot* turn serious, e.g. play partners who live hundreds of miles away and don't know our full names. We don't need anything which we don't already have, and we're not really looking. We'd have no problem being friends with a mono couple! We were one for some years ourselves., and still are most of the time.

So don't be discouraged. Those who are "looking" may write most of the mails, and attend most of the munches, but many of us are willing to engage in human interaction which doesn't involve sex at all!

(in reply to sweetpleaser)

Post #: 4

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 1:43:11 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I don't.

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 5

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 2:23:22 PM

Sylverdawn

Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I am in a poly relationship.. its called a closed poly.. which means we dont swing.. we are monogomous inside those poly relationships.. We arent looking for multiple partners.. to have flogging parties or to join in orgies .. I would say that we have many mono friends.. and some poly friends.. Poly friends are harder because alot of what people consider poly for us is swinging.. I dont share my toys with others ..nor does my hubby.. his girl is h is.. my boy is mine.. we are each others... I am also straight.. which means I have no desire to engage in fem/fem and nor does my hubby have any desire to engage in male/male.. Be patient .. and open to all sorts of couples.. both hetro and otherwise.. Some of our best friends are gay exclusive couples..

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 6

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 9:20:26 PM

cynnacent1

Posts: 340
Joined: 6/25/2004
From: Massachusetts
Status: offline

i don't. If i were to be given a report card as a submissive, in the area of grading Social Behavior, it should certainly state: 'Works well, but does not play nor share well with others ! '.

(in reply to Sylverdawn)

Post #: 7

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 10:17:45 PM

LadyBeckett

Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline

There are those who are Poly, and there are those who are Monogamous. I grew up in a poly situation (although the term wasn't around then), and I am poly as well. I think Monogamous relationships are great, and they work. It just wouldn't work for me, and I am openly communicative about that in new relationship negotiations. In fact, it is included in my profile.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 8

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/24/2004 10:30:02 PM

xasey

Posts: 12
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline

My goal in a D/s relationship is to be the absolute best, #1 bar-none happy thing in my Dom or Domme's life. That said, I can also envision a happy life in a poly relationship with a second couple. I'm open to these types of relationships if done properly.

I've noticed in recent times that there seems to be a trend where this is looked down upon in subs, as if I am not submissive enough if I won't be equal to another sub. I don't want to feel like I am in direct competition for that #1 spot, it leads to anger, mistrust, and over all, bad bad Poly.

I too feel like I am out in left field searching for a Mono or Primary relationship. I've taken a break from searching recently just due to the frustrations of this trend.

_____________________________

~Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former. - Einstein~

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

Post #: 9

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/25/2004 5:41:01 AM

LadyShoshin

Posts: 492
Joined: 7/19/2004
From: Burlington, Ontario
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: infyniti

We have looked for friends in the lifestyle that are in the same situation as ourselves. We are NOT a poly couple. We do not want another submissive, male or female. Though from the reading i have done lately, everyone is either poly or looking for others to join a couple.
I am beginning to feel that it is harder to find other couples in the lifestyle like ourselves everyday. It is nice to go to dinner, events, have conversation with likeminded people.
Trust me, it is a long search.
Someone out there has to relate. I am not dissing the poly people as i feel whatever works for you is great. It just doesn't work for us. After a few conversations with some, they find out that we are not looking to have a "kinky flogging party for 4" we never hear from them again.....go figure.

infyniti ~sub only to The Bruce~

Try looking for munches in your area http://www.soj.org/groups.html and get to know people face to face, once you have been going long enough to have established trust, I think you will find the BDSM friends you are looking for.

_____________________________

PHLOX: “It’s unethical for a doctor to cause harm...I can inflict as much pain as I like.”

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 10

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/25/2004 7:13:45 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

There are those who are Poly, and there are those who are Monogamous.

There are of course different ways of living out polyamory. It can be via polygamy, polyfidelity, group relationships, primary/secondary relationships, open relationships, swinging…

I’m certainly not open to all those levels. Personally, I’m into primary/secondary relationships, open relationships and/or swinging. I actually had this discussion with my boy last night. When we met, he was under the impression that relationships should be monogamous in order to be real. That non-monogamy could only happen with people that didn’t really care about one another. He thought, like many do, that if you truly love someone, you won’t want to be intimate with anyone else but them. Early on, I explained to him my perception on how a non-monogamous relationship was more honest, realistic, logical and instinctual. I conveyed to him that in non-monogamous situations, we are forced to face our demons such as possessiveness and jealousy. This can only happen if you have faith in your partner and their commitment to you. I also explained the benefits of non-monogamy in that the sexual exploration itself strengthens not only ourselves as sexual individuals but also the relationships we have with each other. This also extends outside the intimate/sexual realm and is applicable in other areas of our lives.

We talked a lot, before last night. But last night he came to some kind of a realisation. He said he never permitted himself to consider a non-monogamous dynamic because in his mind, he would never be in a situation where that would be allowed. Now that the opportunity presents itself, he has given it a lot of thought and is so very open to explore. And I know he will have major challenges dealing with my being intimate to another but knowing that, it’s up to me to empower him and let him know he’s my boy that I adore. What a wonderful journey we have ahead of us.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to LadyBeckett)

Post #: 11

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/26/2004 7:29:16 AM

mellian

Posts: 211
Joined: 9/6/2004
Status: offline

poly is not a want or need for me, but i am open to it.

-mellian

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 12

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/26/2004 8:34:29 AM

kiki blue

Posts: 315
Joined: 1/16/2004
From: Brisbane, Australia
Status: offline

I'm open to the idea of poly, once the relationship I'm in is secure and strong, and we meet the right person.

That's the ideal situation, but it may come up in other ways.

_____________________________

Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 13

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/27/2004 10:00:26 PM

monsieur42

Posts: 24
Joined: 8/11/2004
Status: offline

Dear Lady Angelika

Are you as opened to him being poly as you are to being poly your-self? Or was your discussion centered around a desire to evolve this relationship in the direction of a monogamous sub being faithfull to his cuckolding Mistress?

As a sub, I'd be looking for the second one.

Monsieur42

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 14

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/27/2004 10:53:54 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: monsieur42

Dear Lady Angelika

Are you as opened to him being poly as you are to being poly your-self? Or was your discussion centered around a desire to evolve this relationship in the direction of a monogamous sub being faithfull to his cuckolding Mistress?

As a sub, I'd be looking for the second one.

Monsieur42

Jeez... is THAT what you call it... I always just call it "I'm not the jealous type"...

~S

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to monsieur42)

Post #: 15

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/28/2004 6:41:57 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

Cute Suleiman! ;) I'm really not a jealous person either to be honest.

Actually monsieur, I am as opened to him being poly as I am. But we have a deal and that is that we discuss our adventures so that we can learn from them.

It's funny that you mentioned wanting to be the second one, that is the cuckold. Something tells me this is what he wants too but I'm waiting for it to come from him rather then influence him with my perspective.

The following is a little off topic, but it might explain the openness...

I'm trying something new with this boy as he's very intuitive. I'm essentially facilitating his discovery but a lot of this will come from him. You have to understand this is his very first D/s experience. So far, it is working wonderfully. I ask him questions to make him reflect and though I'm setting the boundaries and determining the parameters and the rules of the game, he's got a lot of choice as to what we explore next. I'm finding he is showing very little resistance and is really fully demonstrating submission.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 16

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/30/2004 2:49:52 PM

LadySonelle

Posts: 280
Joined: 8/24/2004
From: Santa Fe NM
Status: offline

My submissive and I are not polyamorous, but we do have an open relationship. It's just that in the last eight to ten years, nobody has come along that was as *interesting* to U/us as each other! :)

I don't discount poly relationships as I have had other slaves and My beautiful sub has had other Tops. Age, distance, safe play, health issues have kept U/us monogamous and while I am thinking of adding subs for "distance training", the in-person thing has not happened now for a long time.

One thing W/we did discover when W/we were "playing the field" was that after a day or so outside the relationship, or after a session with the "other", we returned to O/our primary relationship *hotter* than EVER! By comparison, we found that we adored each other and that's exactly the way we like it!

Lady Sonelle

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 17

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 9/30/2004 7:15:30 PM

cheeba0228

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/27/2004
From: Detroit
Status: offline

i dont think everyone wants to be poly, but i know that I want everybody else to be poly does that qualify?

_____________________________

LIFE'S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY IN A WELL PRESERVED
BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, TOTALLY WORN OUT, SHOUTING "HOLY
SHIT......WHAT A RIDE!

(in reply to infyniti)

Post #: 18

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/2/2004 9:01:50 PM

Nvernilla

Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline

Well I feel that in todays world of these superstrains of
STD's It is good common sense to be monogamus. My first marriage was an open marriage and she met someone who she liked more than me and that is a danger too I feel. I would be more than happy to practice monogamy with the right lady...Mike

(in reply to cheeba0228)

Post #: 19

RE: Does everyone want to be "poly"? - 10/2/2004 10:55:56 PM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Nvernilla

My first marriage was an open marriage and she met someone who she liked more than me and that is a danger too I feel.

Now you see - THAT is the sort of rationale that leads me to say that I'm "not the jealous type". No offense to you Mike, this is not meant as a criticism, simply an explanation of my own POV. In my opinion, if you are so insecure in your relationship that you fear being left for somebody else, you either need to seriously work on your relationship or else seriously consider if this is the right person for you to be with. I am a highly fidelitous person. I can still count the total number of lovers I have had, including three-ways with someone my wife or lover was seeing, on the fingers of both hands and have change left over. I have never been involved with a monogamous person. Hell... come to think of it, I believe all but one were bisexual switches, as well (but that's a different thread). Their inability to remain with a single partner the way that I do has never really bothered me. Now, me not getting the attention I deserve - that bothers the HELL out of me, but that boils down to asking if you're involved with the right person. My wife is incapable of remaining monogamous. While not part of the scene or lifestyle, she is essentially a swinger. If I felt threatened by the possibility of her being lured away by another person, I would be losing my mind right now, with her miles away and no hope of my seeing her for weeks at a time. As it is, over the years, her tendency to stray has diminished over the years - she only does the one-nighter once or twice a year now (although circumstances being what they are I would not be surprised if that changes in the near future). I believe that monogamy can not be enforced, and to ask someone to swear to remaining fidelitous when they are not capable of doing so is like asking a scorpion not to sting you while you're carrying it across the river. It leads to lying, recriminations, guilt, jealousy, and way too much angst. I'm not a teenager any more. I can't survive on a steady diet of angst.

Any way, like I said - this is purely my point of view. Anybody else's mileage may and will vary.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to Nvernilla)

Post #: 20

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