Can they truly get to know me? (Full Version)

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Phoenixandnika -> Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 4:27:11 AM)

Morning,
 
I have been living with Phoenix for over a year now. Together we have made a home and raise my children. We are a 24/7 Master / slave couple. I typically call him my Master, lay my head on his lap, ask him what I should wear,ect. I am used to being very open about our relationship especially in a "private" setting ( friends and family). He is not so open about his lifestyle choices with his family and I try hard to respect that.
 
For New Years we went to the stay with his family for a couple of days. During this time I meet his parents, brother , sister, and grandmother for the first time. Because they do not know of his lifestyle choices or the dianamics of our relationship I was very careful about not calling him my Master  and simply put appearing very "vanilla" in our relationship.
 
This was a very hard postion for me. Not only was I meeting his family for the first time but I was " curbing" alot of my normal every day behavior. I had even agreed not to talk about my religion (Wiccan) or me being gothic and that I would "tame" down my personality and behavior.
 
Well in the end his family made some pretty harsh judgements about me. The other night his mother called and said somethings that hurt me. His mom said I appeared to be cold. She made some judgements about me me not working without asking why I am not working at this point.She made judgements , well blatently called me a liar about my college degree simply because I am not using it. She judged how I parented and discipled my children.
 
I am frustrated because in my eyes they don't know me. Not only because that was the first time we had meet but because they didn't see the true me they saw what my Master thought they would be comfortable with. Now he is in a very hard postion defending me to his family and I hate it. I hate how I feel. I hate feeling like I have to hide who I am. Hell they are judging me anyways so why not simply be myself in my entirety.(If that makes sense).
 
I wrote his mom and family an email. I was/am very nervous about it.In the email I politily told them that to me the comman ground we had was him, our love for him. There was somethings I asked them not to do (ie bring up his exs around me, judge me without getting to know me, envolving themselves in our household with finances ect). 
 
Phoenix is more than my Master, he is my best friend, my lover, and my fiance' . This is really important to me because my worst fear is his family wont come to our wedding and that would devestate him.
 
I want to try and have a relationship with his family because it is important to him, but how do I do that without making lifestyle,religion,ect obvious and still be myself?How do I let them know me, truly know me?I wont out us to his family, that is not my place but how do not appear to be cold when I am being cautious with my words and actions?
 
Blessed Be
Nika{Phoenix}



MsMacComb -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 4:42:39 AM)

 To thine own self be true. Outside of that (sadly) you will never be able to satisfy everyone. Make the effort, be compassionate, be honest, kind, loving, and forgiving (even thought they may not) and don't worry about the attitudes, small minds and emotional outbreaks which you can not control.



KatyLied -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 4:51:06 AM)

Your first priority is your children and your partner and the family you are forming.  Everything else is secondary.  Try to remember that.  It's not about pleasing his family.  It's about being yourself.



slaveladyj -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 4:56:43 AM)

He knows the truth about who you are, isn't that enough? His opinion, since you are planning a life with him, is the important one.



sophia37 -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 5:18:00 AM)

It sounds like instead of appearing "Vanilla" during your family visit, you came off being some other flavor instead. Maybe you appeared under or over cooked. It sounds to me like you thought about it all too much and froze yourself over.

You know, you forgot one thing. Theres a lot more to you than your pagan beliefs, your wanting to please a master and your interest in gothic attire. I think everyone tailors their conversations in different circles. So if for instance you go see the inlaws and they ask you about religion, you say, I was raised as a Methodist. Then they like you!

If you're worried about what you call your lover, then change it forever and always. Dont call him "my" master, call him "the" master. Then laugh. Believe me, that one just slips by folks. People care less about things sometimes than you might think. All your fiances parents want, is for him to be happy, no matter how badly they might express it or what faux pas they might make. So look at it that way.

All I can say is quick! Lighten it up sister! Time to win over the troops! Spend more time asking them about themselves! Most people love to talk about themselves. Any conversation can be turned in your favor by doing more listening than talking, oohing ahhing and empathizing.  It's fun really to challenge yourself this way.

But for heavens sake, quit writing those emails filled with rules!! Yikes, now you're really off to a bad start! What makes you think the only common ground you have is your man???? You told them not to judge you without getting to know you, but this is what you give them, in order to get to know you. So of course they have only this to judge you by! You get what I'm saying here?

Whew. Anyway, I guess I'd say let this first round of talks die down a bit. Take a month off. Then for round two start all over. Take them some flowers. Tell them you were uptight. Apoligize and ask to start again. And dont be thinking, but it's them not me! Forget all that stuff. Its not about whos wrong or right. You must be the bigger person here. And Im sure both sides have flaws.

All I now is, now you're on a mission. And the road stretches out really long ahead.  So tell them their son is the light of your life. Then get all enthusiatic about the future. Plan happy events out loud in front of the family as in, "Oh I cant wait to have us all together for our wedding! Wouldnt it be fun to do such and such! Any ideas?"

So look for the good, dwell in the good, and good it will become. Or if not, then at least you'll feel good about your effort and no one will fault you. In some ways life is life is life. We all have common ground by the simple fact of our existance.

Good luck to you girlfriend and many happy returns. Love, Sophia







Areflectionofyou -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 5:20:07 AM)

If you are true to your Master, he will be true to you  and clear things up with his family...afterall he owns you and that is a responsibility on his shoulders. You love him and give to him all that you are, in return expect he protects you from outside negative influences.



thetammyjo -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 5:33:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Areflectionofyou

If you are true to your Master, he will be true to you and clear things up with his family...afterall he owns you and that is a responsibility on his shoulders. You love him and give to him all that you are, in return expect he protects you from outside negative influences.


I agree.

I think to ask you to change so much from your everyday interaction style with him was a very difficult assignment.

If I were you, I wouldn't try to "mend things" with his family. It was his choice to behave differently, let him deal with the results of it and interact with his family.

You did as he bid to the best of your ability. Isn't that all any of us should ask of our slaves and submissives?



RavenMuse -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 5:33:53 AM)

You did as he told you to do, hopefully he gave you praise for doing so. This is however an unfortunate side effect and again hopefully (Based on what I would do in similar, not intended as a judgement on him) he will give you the support you need AND deal with the situation personaly regarding his family. I would see these events as being entirely my responcibility to handle and no fault whatsoever of my girl given she was mearly following my instructions.

Bottom line: Talk to him, be open about your feelings and fears, what he does from there is upto him.



KittenWithaTwist -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 5:39:28 AM)

I disagree that the dominant shoulders all the responsibility in this case (or in most cases).

Take the advice of sophia37. That girl knows what she's talking about.



Areflectionofyou -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 5:50:21 AM)

So..if told by the Owner that she should be vanilla , directly his choice she should disobey? I think not...now its on him, she obeyed , and now he should handle the family.



bandit25 -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 6:02:11 AM)

Sophia is right.  Lighten it up.  It sounds like you were overly cautious and, perhaps, that's why his mother called you cold.  I am sure she wants what is best for him.  You know that's YOU.  You do, of course, have to be yourself, but be your best self.  Show his family why he loves you.  When you've done all that and if they still don't warm up to you, well, that's their problem, not yours.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 6:08:37 AM)

Forgive them for their faults, love them through the eyes of the person you love, and give them time.

Yes it was utterly wrong of them to make such harsh judgement about you so quickly and to feel some sort of sadistic selfish need to TELL you this.

But they are your partners family, and always will be.  At this stage in the game, forgiveness and time can be your best bet. 

It would also be the right thing for your partner to stand by you, to inform your family of just how much he loves and supports you and that they need to get on that bandwagon as well. 

This has nothing to do with you not being or being yourself- in time you will find the comfortable balance that you need, you are not your kink alone. :)



Arpig -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 6:29:33 AM)

I believe you are slave to him, not to his whole family. It would be nice if they liked you, but really who gives a fuck what they think, as long as your master is pleased with you they don't matter worth shit.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 6:36:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig
I believe you are slave to him, not to his whole family. It would be nice if they liked you, but really who gives a fuck what they think, as long as your master is pleased with you they don't matter worth shit.

IMO that's not how it works, at least that's not how I'd want it to work with my family.  They are my family, my partners family is an extension of my partner and thus MY life.

Unless we were willing to be completely estranged from them, I would want to form a healthy and happy relationship with them.  I love and respect my partners, how could I not hope to love and respect the family that they are part of?

That doesn't mean I accept being run roughshod.  I can limit myself on my own terms, and if we just don't get along or can't mesh, I accept that.  But I still CARE.  That family is an integral part of my partners life, and thus a very important part of my own.  To me that's part of what relationships are- enmeshing lives together.

I'd never be with a partner who said "I don't give a fuck what your mother thinks" after meeting her once.  It would really show a complete lack of respect and necessary desire to connect with myself and my life.



MHOO314 -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 6:41:07 AM)

Nika, As I read this, I could feel the tears and the frustration---what I am about to say is not an attack at you or Master, it is a statement of fact in ANY relationship, vanilla, strawberry, or BDSM--this is HIS family and it is HIS job to integrate or walk away--not YOURS--now I can understand not sharing the aspects of Master/slave--but hon, Wiccan, gothic, taming your personality? Those things are the very essence of you--well beyond M/s---and when who you are has to be compromised--I take issue with that---this is His family, He needs to step to the bar, tell some truths and deal with the consequences---we have all said hundreds of times, a Dominants responsibility is for the safety and welfare of their submissives--it doesn't begin or end at the door. IMHO, you have been placed in a compromising position---unfairly and unjustly and it is not yours to fix.



Phoenixandnika -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 6:53:54 AM)


 I changed my personally completely during our visit because he asked me to. He thought it best because his family and I are on totally opposite sides of the spectrum when it comes to most things.Not just lifestyle but even personallity wise. They are very conservative on most things and I am not.

 LA,

Your right it is important to me that we come to some kind of terms because though I consider myself and my kids his family now, we are just part of his family. I don't want to put him in a position where he is having to choose us or them. They are his blood. I don't want to be the center of his life just part of it.
 
 
Sophia,
I am sorry. I think I have every right as an adult to say I will not accept certain behavior and if it occurs then I will simply draw a line. To me brining up his ex and comparing me to them is disrespectful. To basically call me a lair about my college degree and such because I am not using is not only an insult to me but to him in my eyes. Do I have a right not to accept someone demaning me and tearing me down. Yes. He wasn't upset at the email I wrote. He thought it might of been a little soon because I sent it the day after she disclosed her views of me. But he was happy that I was tactful and respectful even though I was hurt and angry.
 
 
 
 
Nika{Phoenix}



Rule -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 7:16:27 AM)

It seems to me that your master's family does want to relate to you, otherwise his mother would not have bothered to address the 'faults' they perceived in you.
 
They should have taken up these issues with their son, your master, however, not with you. It was wise of you to wait a day with your response, but it would have been better to discuss the issue with your master and to wait a week and then he should have responded to his mother, not you. He is responsible for you and your safety and they are his relatives. He might for instance have send her a copy of your college degree and informed her that in all other respects she was also mistaken about your perceived 'faults'.
 
Also consider that subs often rub normal people - and especially a dominant - the wrong way. However, this is compensated by the ability of subs and especially slaves to adapt to any other person.
 
Thus, this is merely a small set-back. The difficulties will be ironed out and you will be embraced by his relatives.



Phoenixandnika -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 7:24:54 AM)

MH
 
That is exactly how I am feeling right now like I compromised who I am, what I am about if that makes sense. Was I cold? Perhaps butI was so worried about doing or saying the wrong thing, something to offend them. He defended me and I love him for that he disclosed alot that she didn't relize. He used the anology of a knife. He says I am the edge of the blade and they are the very tip of the handle so for them I am simply extreme.
 
I want them to come to our wedding , like I said before that is my worst fear right now is that they wont. But then I am scared because he is allowing me to plan a handfasting and rose exchange definately not a "traditional conservitive wedding" .
 
I don't think he asked me to change or hide these things about myself or "curb" my personality ot hurt me I truly beleive he did it to protect me from their judgements because he wanted me to feel comfortable and vice versa. However, it obviously back fired. I just don't know what to do now or IF I should do anything.
 
Nika{Phoenix}




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 7:28:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Rule
They should have taken up these issues with their son, your master, however, not with you.

I don't think they should have taken anything to anyone.  They were making a lot of serious and harsh judgements on someone after only meeting them ONCE.  To me that's not the time to go and tell them what's wrong- it's the time to shut up and wait.
 
And why would the mother not go to the girlfriend?  It doesn't matter to anyone who is the master, and IMO going to the son would set up a "going behind the back, can't deal with things directly" drama.
 
quote:

Also consider that subs often rub normal people - and especially a dominant - the wrong way.

They do?  I have never seen evidence of that generality at all. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Can they truly get to know me? (4/21/2006 7:30:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenixandnika
I don't think he asked me to change or hide these things about myself or "curb" my personality ot hurt me I truly beleive he did it to protect me from their judgements because he wanted me to feel comfortable and vice versa. However, it obviously back fired. I just don't know what to do now or IF I should do anything.
 
Nika{Phoenix}

You two definitely should have talked through this more before the initial meeting- I think you overcompensated in relation to the direct order in a way he hadn't expected and that he didn't prepare you well enough to try and be comfortable.

All is not lost, and it will not come down to a "be myself fully or hide myself forever" choice.  You will find your unique balance in this situation to be comfortable as yourself AND as the daughter in law. 

But this will take time, lots of it.  Don't push, just be.  And talk a lot more about this with your master. 



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