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Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/23/2010 5:52:08 PM   
mattyp61


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/18/2010
Status: offline 		Hey everyone,

When meeting someone from this site, how do you (personally) determine if they're real/safe? I've been thinking about meeting at a coffee shop and having a quick chat or something, but it's always hard to tell someone's true intentions... and if someone lies to me and has bareback sex with me (for example) that would not be worth it...

Thanks for everyones' replies in advance!
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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/23/2010 8:44:09 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		coffee shop 1st
med papers
ID swap
safe call

That's about as far most people go.  

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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/23/2010 9:12:08 PM   
Mistletoe


Posts: 288
Joined: 8/16/2010
Status: offline 		I have met a couple of Dom's in person. Only after we have emailed a while and then talked on the phone enough to know we might be able to be friends or playmates....did we meet. While chatting online I ask a lot of questions and keep every conversation. If I find them lying...the communication stops. I have found that many times the guys will hang themselves eventually if they are being deceitful.

One I met at a coffee shop and the other a ice cream parlor. We showed each other our ID's, medical papers to prove we are disease free ( be sure to look at the date...over 3-6 months is a no no for me), I did have a safe call set up beforehand. We talked while we went to an amusement park and the with the other on we went to a art exhibition. With both it was a daytime meetings the first time. We had a few other dates while we got to know each other more and seen if we clicked.

Trust is a huge issue when doing kinky play. One I trusted and one I did not. There is really no way to know who is safe...it's a guess at best. I take my time...I am in no hurry until I feel the time is right and the other person is right.


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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/23/2010 9:34:11 PM   
texangael


Posts: 167
Joined: 12/14/2009
Status: offline
quote:

how do you (personally) determine if they're real/safe?


If the objective is safety, don't meet them.

If you choose to meet, choose your level of risk.  Doing things like meeting in a public place lowers the risk.  Doing things like playing on the first date raises the risk.

I generally will not meet someone in person unless i have spoken to them on the phone at some length first.  That gives me some sense of their personality (and how "real" they are), and then I can decide how much risk i wish to have on that first meeting.


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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/24/2010 4:22:26 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		you do it the same way you would as if it were any other date; common sense and gut instinct.

(in reply to mattyp61)
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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/25/2010 2:08:32 AM   
SubPet715


Posts: 337
Joined: 8/24/2010
From: Brooklyn, NY
Status: offline 		I have had the opportunity to meet two dommes in real life through the internet and it gets tricky at times because sometimes you have this yearning or craving that may just block all your common sense. Winning over that feeling is a good win, because you learn that you aren't just suffering from some sort of lust to be dominated by god knows who.

The first domme I met online took her time with me, emailed me, texted me, talked to me over the phone and sent many pictures to prove who she was to me. Which is a very big step because one would think that a domme wouldn't think that a dom/domme would be so accommodating, especially for me at the time not knowing what I know now. She would talk to me and joke around with me, normal things, just as she was gauging me I was gauging right back, seeing that we both were no "In Character" I went ahead and met with her and the time we had together was very special to me.

The second...was just waved so many red flags they may as well been a matadore. Didn't want to meet in public, didn't want to talk on the phone, sent one pic of the body, spoke in non-sequitur as if they didn't even read what I wrote to them and lastly they requested I buy some pornography for them and bring it over. In the split second I considered doing this, I caught myself wanting to let lust win over logic, but this was beyond the pale. It reminded me of that seinfeld episode where elaine brings a teenage boy alchohol and fireworks because she thinks he is more than what he is.

So when it comes down to it, I would say communication is the key. Whether it be male or female, just communicate, talk on the phone, and remember to listen as much as you talk.

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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/25/2010 10:18:15 AM   
littleone35


Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline 		Meet in a public is a very good idea i alway smet in a Starbucks. If something does not seem right trust your gut. Master and i e mailed for a month then talked on the phone every day for 2 months before we met. He gave me his cell and home numbers. If i could not reach him on one i could on the other i also did the same with him. If a Dom only wants to talk during the work day or will not give you his home number it is a good bet he is either married or living with someone. I WILL NOT play on a first meet, but that is just me. Some have done it and it worked out good i do not reccommend it though. Meet have coffee talk and see if there is a connection if so you can persue it further if not at least you had a nice chat and some coffee.

Matt's littleone

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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/25/2010 1:58:39 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds
you do it the same way you would as if it were any other date; common sense and gut instinct.
Yes yes, but how do you avoid the roving pack of street doms waiting to ambush and kidnap hapless submissives? Personally, I think the only real answer is two giant body guards named guido and luigi.

_____________________________

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/25/2010 2:06:00 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds
you do it the same way you would as if it were any other date; common sense and gut instinct.
Yes yes, but how do you avoid the roving pack of street doms waiting to ambush and kidnap hapless submissives? Personally, I think the only real answer is two giant body guards named guido and luigi.



(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/27/2010 9:00:11 AM   
m0nk


Posts: 11
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		Why does there seem to be more focus on the legitimacy of the dom?

It seems to be all the slaves who are deceitful...

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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/27/2010 9:43:32 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: m0nk

Why does there seem to be more focus on the legitimacy of the dom?

It seems to be all the slaves who are deceitful...


If you are finding ALL of the slaves deceitful it may be time to look at your own methods of getting to know people.

To the OP - I would suggest more than a "quick chat" before commencing any risky behaviours.  Could you also incorporate putting a condom on the other person as a form of foreplay  (though granted there is a possibility that they will slip it off when you turn around).

Trust your instincts.... if something feels off say thanks but no thanks

Welcome to the forums by the way




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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/27/2010 9:47:20 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		...says the man with an empty profile...



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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/27/2010 1:47:59 PM   
lovelyk


Posts: 8
Joined: 6/24/2010
Status: offline 		When I first went over to a Dom's house that I met on the internet, I gave my best friend his information (address, photo, etc) and she texted/called me every few hours. He was made aware because he noticed she kept texting me, and he was completely ok with it (another positive marker). I like to be safe : )

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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/27/2010 4:54:34 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		The National Safe Call Network (thenationalsafecallnetwork.org) has a lot of tips for how to meet safely, including setting up a safe call. If you're in the U.S., there's also a state-by-state listing of volunteers who are willing to be a safe call if you don't have someone in your life you feel comfortable asking.

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Dark Muse
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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/27/2010 8:33:45 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: m0nk

Why does there seem to be more focus on the legitimacy of the dom?

It seems to be all the slaves who are deceitful...

Doms are viewed as the aggressive predators while subs are viewed as prey. Human instincts have you extend empathy to the gazelle, not the lion.  Except where the sub is a 'black widow', it's a valid social emotional reaction.  However, emotions aside, both parties need be equally careful.


_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to m0nk)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/27/2010 8:40:04 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan

The National Safe Call Network (thenationalsafecallnetwork.org) has a lot of tips for how to meet safely, including setting up a safe call. If you're in the U.S., there's also a state-by-state listing of volunteers who are willing to be a safe call if you don't have someone in your life you feel comfortable asking.


the problem with safe calls is that you're not safe if they can't get to you in less time than it takes someone to kill you

and

your safe call is checking in with you, you give a code word that means send help, so they call the cops on your behalf and tell them what to get them to you in time? no matter what you tell them, 'there's going to be a whole lot of splaining to do lucy'.

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/30/2010 12:03:04 PM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mattyp61
When meeting someone from this site, how do you (personally) determine if they're real/safe? I've been thinking about meeting at a coffee shop and having a quick chat or something, but it's always hard to tell someone's true intentions... and if someone lies to me and has bareback sex with me (for example) that would not be worth it...


I have always found that common sense and my gut instinct have never let me down.

My advice would be don't do anything more than meet in a public place until you are comfortable with them.

The next stage would be dating then quiet time at home, leading on to sexual encounters.  But even then there are things that you can do to add to your security, like not being restrained until you are completely sure they haven't buried their last five dates under the patio.

If someone is as interested in you as you are in them, they will be happy to take it slow to start and build up to a bigger commitment.

Remember, you can always say stop, or no.

(in reply to mattyp61)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/30/2010 12:46:55 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

the problem with safe calls is that you're not safe if they can't get to you in less time than it takes someone to kill you

and

your safe call is checking in with you, you give a code word that means send help, so they call the cops on your behalf and tell them what to get them to you in time? no matter what you tell them, 'there's going to be a whole lot of splaining to do lucy'.


The only "splainin" to do is say that you went to see someone you met through an online dating site. You set up a safe call just in case. Now that "in case" moment has arrived and your friend is calling the authorities to send help. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Also, there are more things to worry about than homocide. Example: human trafficking. A friend of mine was abducted by a human trafficking ring last year and the only reason she's alive today is because the person with whom she set up a safe call notified law enforcement and kept pestering them to find her.

Never underestimate the importance of a safe call.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/31/2010 11:24:53 AM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SylvereApLeanan


quote:

ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

the problem with safe calls is that you're not safe if they can't get to you in less time than it takes someone to kill you

and

your safe call is checking in with you, you give a code word that means send help, so they call the cops on your behalf and tell them what to get them to you in time? no matter what you tell them, 'there's going to be a whole lot of splaining to do lucy'.


The only "splainin" to do is say that you went to see someone you met through an online dating site. You set up a safe call just in case. Now that "in case" moment has arrived and your friend is calling the authorities to send help. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Also, there are more things to worry about than homocide. Example: human trafficking. A friend of mine was abducted by a human trafficking ring last year and the only reason she's alive today is because the person with whom she set up a safe call notified law enforcement and kept pestering them to find her.

Never underestimate the importance of a safe call.


they must have 'pestered' the hell out of law enforcement; people can't even file missing persons reports prior to being missing for 72 hours so i really have a hard time believing this part of your story to be true and i stand by my words.

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RE: Meeting a dom online - how to ensure safety? - 8/31/2010 1:19:13 PM   
asilentscream


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline 		I wonder if there's cases of male subs needing to alert their safe call to notify authorities.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
Profile   Post #: 20
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