quote:

like trying to get a wild squirrel to feed from your hand

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ORIGINAL: littlewonder

get to know them as a person instead of a slave.

Once you do that you may find there's more of a connection than just kink and they'll feel more comfortable with you.

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ORIGINAL: SubPet715
Trying to get a sub is like trying to get a wild squirrel to feed from your hand, any sudden movements and you scare the little fella off.

I know with me I can be talking to someone for weeks and if they wave a red flag with their behavior I will generally take my leave but it really depends on what you have done.

My experience range from the domme assuming that they automatically get what they want on the first day of seeing me to finding their pictures online on some other site, so it really depends on what you think you may have done to scare off a potential sub.

Examine past behavior and act accordingly to what you think may have happened.

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ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

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ORIGINAL: SubPet715
Trying to get a sub is like trying to get a wild squirrel to feed from your hand, any sudden movements and you scare the little fella off.

I know with me I can be talking to someone for weeks and if they wave a red flag with their behavior I will generally take my leave but it really depends on what you have done.

My experience range from the domme assuming that they automatically get what they want on the first day of seeing me to finding their pictures online on some other site, so it really depends on what you think you may have done to scare off a potential sub.

Examine past behavior and act accordingly to what you think may have happened.

Thanks for your comments that you yourself have dropped out after perceiving what you believe to be a red flag.

Also, I'm gonna give you a small - DUH!  - for your comment that *I* should think through what happened.  Kinda contradictory, isn't it?  Sub disappears, leaving me scratching my head as to what scared him off but it's up to ME to figure out what scared him..... That's my main question - how to find out what scared him off?

AND - what makes you think that each sub is the same?  There's no one thing that scares 'em..... I'm looking for ideas to get them to be more open at the beginning so that I DON'T scare them off.

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ORIGINAL: littlewonder

get to know them as a person instead of a slave.

Once you do that you may find there's more of a connection than just kink and they'll feel more comfortable with you.

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ORIGINAL: lally2
i think if  a newbie is still at the scared phase you wish them well in their travels and hope theyll find theyre way eventually -

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Try meeting for coffee faster. Since this is only an online problem and not one that happens in real life. Use the coffee meets to see if there's enough commonality to have a second meet instead of using online to see if there's enough commonality to meet for coffee.

It's only 15 minutes or half an hour at a Starbucks, not a big loss if it's a no go.

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ORIGINAL: SubPet715
<snipped>
When I end things with a domme I will say so, because it is just rude not to, leaving them [the Dom/me] much like you, bewildered and befuddled over what has transpired. So rather than dwell on that [why they "left"] it is more than likely they just got cold feet, erased every trace of you from their lives, and pretended it never happened for reasons all their own. Erratic, strange, flaky reasons, you're better off not having a sub like that i'd say.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Try meeting for coffee faster. Since this is only an online problem and not one that happens in real life. Use the coffee meets to see if there's enough commonality to have a second meet instead of using online to see if there's enough commonality to meet for coffee.

It's only 15 minutes or half an hour at a Starbucks, not a big loss if it's a no go.

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ORIGINAL: lally2

FR,

i think if  a newbie is still at the scared phase you wish them well in their travels and hope theyll find theyre way eventually -

dont you think alot of it is people wanting this but too shit scared to go for it.  in the end its going to be a big waste of youre time.  theyre hooking into you to see how it feels and how they feel but i dont think its you babe, i think youre lovely  (i know im a woman and thats ick, but im saying it anyway!)

id shrug and move on personally. xx

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ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

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ORIGINAL: lally2
i think if  a newbie is still at the scared phase you wish them well in their travels and hope theyll find theyre way eventually -

I agree with this. I know that when I was in my scared phase there wasn't a thing on the earth that anyone could do to keep me talking to them, much less meeting. At some point you either stop being so scared or quit trying to find people on BDSM sites altogether, and once that's happened it's not so much a matter of fear that keeps people from sticking around as compatibility issues. So unless you're able to convince someone to meet you in a public place (after a good phone call or really solid series of emails) forget about them and move on. They're too scared, or not interested.

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ORIGINAL: daddysliloneds

perhaps it's your body language or your tone of voice; both project a whole lot about people no matter how well their intentions may appear to be.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Try meeting for coffee faster. Since this is only an online problem and not one that happens in real life. Use the coffee meets to see if there's enough commonality to have a second meet instead of using online to see if there's enough commonality to meet for coffee.

It's only 15 minutes or half an hour at a Starbucks, not a big loss if it's a no go.

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ORIGINAL: peacefulplace
This comment [by DesFIP] makes so much sense to me! I, for one, would no longer trust a situation in which a Dom doesn't express an interest in meeting in person within the first five or so emails.

Other than that, I would say making the sub feel completely accepted and protected is what worked for me...in both vanilla and D/s subjects. At no time during the initial period of getting to know each other did I feel judged for my opinions by my Dom, even though as the relationship progressed, I realized we have some very different opinions. If I had felt judged for the difference or afraid to express these views and/or desires, I would have been long gone.