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RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/28/2010 8:11:28 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		fast reply~

Go for real time skip the chittering. I get the scaredy nonsense all the time, and I cannot be bothered. If CHAT is scary, that guy will never be able to handle the real mme. I will be a munch enabler, but I can't force a guy to grow a set.


Or maybe we are just fucking scary! :)

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/28/2010 8:44:46 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

fast reply~

Go for real time skip the chittering. I get the scaredy nonsense all the time, and I cannot be bothered. If CHAT is scary, that guy will never be able to handle the real mme. I will be a munch enabler, but I can't force a guy to grow a set.

Or maybe we are just fucking scary! :)

He was getting ready to make flight arrangments.  I said "Let me know and I'll pick you up at the airport."  I had already suggested a hotel room since "sometimes there's a click, sometimes not.  In any instance, Denver's a great place to visit."  HE DISAPPEARED!

I'm going with "his loss."

Haven't had to use that in a while..... used it alot back-in-the-day.

*cough* *cough*
Gawd!  Didn't know these old cliches could get so dusty....
*cough* *cough*

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

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Member: VAA's posse

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/28/2010 8:57:00 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Yep. A pussy. Femdoms run into that all the time. It's also why I tell out of towners to let me know when they have moved here.

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Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/28/2010 9:00:57 PM   
LanceHughes


Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
Yep. A pussy. Femdoms run into that all the time. It's also why I tell out of towners to let me know when they have moved here.

A scare-dy-cat is more like it.  He had vacation time, the $$ to come.... and bailed.

Oh, well, live and learn, I guess.

As above, I hope he didn't scare himself too badly. LOL!

If he shows up back on CM (in a year or two) I'll let y'all know.

< Message edited by LanceHughes -- 8/28/2010 9:54:17 PM >

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/29/2010 8:39:48 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Yeah. Mens. HMPH!!

Come back to the REAL pussy, Lance!!!

LOL HAD to say that. Srsly, though, I have learned the hard way to not get terribly invested in faraway folks except as friends. Friends can become more, and if that happens, spiffy. I am not sure what the deal is, but the balls shrivel in a heartbeat when it's time to make those reservations. Not to mention the ED. Oh, I mentioned it.

Yeah, been there, NOT done that.

So, it's not just you, Lance, it's the nature of the internets. Because you are stratospherically lickable. And you collect GLASS for heaven's sake!! Or did you show him that pic of all the boxes? Some would be frightened of that, thinking it meant... CLEANING.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/29/2010 9:04:09 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		Lance, it really sounds like it had very little to do with you (and I'm sure you already know this), but when you're looking to meet up with someone new and they're taking a plane to get to you (which is an extremely vulnerable position to be in - I've done it), make sure that you make it vividly clear to them that the playing will start when they say it will, and that it is really ok with you if no playing happens at all. You might also consider insisting (especially with newbies) that nothing that makes them nervous is going to happen the first time, and that you will only reconsider your stance on that if they convince the heck out of you, and even then you might not reconsider.

Just make yourself look like a big, fluffy bunny whose claws only come out when you are convinced they will be ok. That's what I needed the first time I flew across the country to meet someone (and I still can't believe I had the guts to do it).

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/29/2010 10:04:59 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

  • make it vividly clear to them that the playing will start when they say it will,
  • and that it is really ok with you if no playing happens at all.
  • You might also consider insisting (especially with newbies) that nothing that makes them nervous is going to happen the first time, and that you will only reconsider your stance on that if they convince the heck out of you, and even then you might not reconsider.


You know, I just gotta say, it squicks me the hell out that someone would even need to write such things... all of which would've been in the "gee duh" category for me. Reason number 528, 529, and 530 that I won't ever date in the BDSM pool :)

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 8/29/2010 10:05:16 AM >

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/29/2010 10:36:11 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

fast reply~

Go for real time skip the chittering. I get the scaredy nonsense all the time, and I cannot be bothered. If CHAT is scary, that guy will never be able to handle the real mme. I will be a munch enabler, but I can't force a guy to grow a set.


Or maybe we are just fucking scary! :)

That right there.

Just like Lance, I have found that I am much more successful in real life, physical venues than I am with the nonsense that can be found on the net.  I don't really have much interest in coddling anyone who is too "sacred" to pursue what they want.  Honestly, I don't have to be, so there's no real point to it.  I don't deal with people who aren't local to Me and anybody who is local to Me, My policy is to meet at the munch I attend.  If that's too much for someone to accomplish, I have better ways to invest My time.

I don't really think you did anything, Lance.  You just happened to stumble across someone who was willing to say (not actually do) the things that would encourage the fantasy on their part to continue.




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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/29/2010 11:29:26 AM   
CalifChick


Posts: 10717
Joined: 10/28/2007
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

Yep.  Problem is we were getting to the week-end visit to Denver arrangments when he bailed.

As I typed that, I realized I skipped the "talk on phone" stage.  OOPS! My bad.



Lance, Lance, Lance (shakes head)

If you never talked on the phone, how do you know it wasn't some girl living in mommy's basement, rubbing herself and twisting her nips to your handsome pics??? 

Cali


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AKA "The Undisputed Goddess of Sarcasm", "Big Bad Cali" and "Yum Bum". Advisor to the Subbie Mafia, founding member of the W.A.C. and the Judgmental Bitches Brigade, member of the Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's and Team Troll

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/29/2010 11:31:28 AM   
Shadow-tiger


Posts: 1775
Joined: 6/8/2008
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB
  • make it vividly clear to them that the playing will start when they say it will,
  • and that it is really ok with you if no playing happens at all.
  • You might also consider insisting (especially with newbies) that nothing that makes them nervous is going to happen the first time, and that you will only reconsider your stance on that if they convince the heck out of you, and even then you might not reconsider.


You know, I just gotta say, it squicks me the hell out that someone would even need to write such things... all of which would've been in the "gee duh" category for me.

You know Jeff, I have to agree with you on the 'gee duh' factor. As nice as the idea, the fantasy of getting someone so enthralled they'll be yours at first sight.. reality needs to step in, and you need to make it known that nothing will be expected until both are ready. All three of these points are big ones, but I bolded the one that stands out the most for me.

There are times someone will go through with something they don't want to do, because they're afraid it'll disappoint, upset or anger their partner if they refuse. I've had to explain that it's ok if you don't want something, I won't be angry or upset! It seems so simple, yet it can be difficult to convince someone of that.

Though the idea of dragging her off by the hair, telling her she's going to be a good girl is kinda hot.

ETA: Just posting from my preference, all references to her should be that which you prefer.


< Message edited by Shadow-tiger -- 8/29/2010 11:32:35 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/29/2010 11:36:27 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

Because you are stratospherically lickable.


OMG, I am so borrowing that line!! Is there an emoticon that goes with that

That would be a good sig line: I am stratospherically lickable, the line starts here!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 8/29/2010 11:44:43 AM   
RealSub58


Posts: 1073
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

get to know them as a person instead of a slave.

Once you do that you may find there's more of a connection than just kink and they'll feel more comfortable with you.


Well, DUH!  The problem seems to stem from trying to know them as a person.  They have this stereotype in their head.... I talk to them about other things than slavery and their heads explode.  "Why is this D-type trying to get to know me as a person?  I bet he's real.... OH MY GAWD!"

ETA:  THEY approached me, and so I start with "Hi!  What about my profile did you especially like?  What caused you to write to me?"  And I respond that way ONLY after perving them to see if there's any possiblity of common ground.

If not, they get "Thanks for writing.  I'm thinking we're too far apart in our interests."


I totally get what you are saying !!
I am on the end where I respond according to the lead, the D type.
Then I might ask, might I change the subject.

In the example above, you might want to "wax words long" IE tell them what you found on their profile and it is much up your alley, request they read your profile and tell them why you even wrote.

Some times longer messages the first time are worth the effort.

I loathe the 1-5 word intro's...as if I can read their mind.

Maybe close your eyes and pretend you are meeting someone outdoors or in a club, and write what comes to your mind rather than force something.....

......just trying to help.     But GOOD LUCK

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 9/4/2010 10:21:51 PM   
inkSecret


Posts: 83
Joined: 3/4/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes

Too fast, too slow..... I seem to be having trouble in striking the right balance here on CM.  In person, just fine.  I mean that those coffee-in-public meetings are good.  Sometimes there's the click, sometimes not.  I'm cool with that.

How do I get potential subs to be a little more revealing of the truth about their wants and needs?  In the new-bie cases, I try to tell 'em it's okay to say "No experience, Sir," but they seem to not believe me.

Short question - How do I keep subs from (A) getting scared of me and running away -OR- (B) scaring themselves and running away?

Any and all comments appreciated from any and all sides of the kneel.




littlewonder has a very good point.  That is the beginning of it.

But as a Male, I think what you're really looking for is keeping her interested in you
I say.  There is no such thing as too slow.
Take your time.  It's like military strategy.  Fools rush in.

EVERYTHING is about "Intensity" she has to feel like she doesn't want to lose YOU

Fast or Slow doesn't matter if she's bored.

She wants someone to watch.  Someone to know.  Not just you getting to know her.  Relationship is built on Mutual trade
Are you someone to know?
Are you someone that people could listen to for hours and hours?
Then she will become someone you could listen to for hours and hours

Your greatness as a Dominant Male will allow YOU to set the pace how YOU see fit.
But you alone must define your greatness.

And she has to realize that greatness

If you're "not that great" or you haven't shown her "how great you are" or she doesn't "realize you're great"
Then you're the one asking "How do I keep her?"


_____________________________

Stop asking questions only you can answer
There's no standard to adhere to
We dominate and submit as we choose

You can't ask us
What's right for me?
We're not you

Decide your level of involvement
Find yourself
It's your decision

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 9/5/2010 6:21:01 AM   
asilentscream


Posts: 17
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline
quote:


True for the locals. What caused me to write was a long distance "possiblity" that "got scared" to the point that he left CM.... first he hid his profile, and when I asked why, he left completely.


Maybe a lot of it has to do with the long-distance part. Long distance is pretty tricky by itself, esepcially when the initial meet is on a kinky site like this, and the reason for the connection is pure kink.

(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Too fast, too slow..... - 9/5/2010 9:49:46 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
The problem seems to stem from trying to know them as a person.  They have this stereotype in their head.... I talk to them about other things than slavery and their heads explode.  "Why is this D-type trying to get to know me as a person?  I bet he's real.... OH MY GAWD!"

This is a massive assumption on your part, and one that I don't believe there is any truth in.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LanceHughes
THEY approached me, and so I start with "Hi!  What about my profile did you especially like?  What caused you to write to me?"  And I respond that way ONLY after perving them to see if there's any possiblity of common ground.

This is more likely why you aren't getting very far.  This isn't getting to know them.  This is interrogation, drill sergeant stylee  LOL.  It sounds like you are only after serving some part that is listed in your profile.

Overall I would say you are going too fast.  It sounds very much like you are asking what someone's desires are before they have begun to feel comfortable with you.

I spoke to my master for a couple of weeks before we met and the only element of kink discussed was that he wanted control and I wanted to relinquish control. 

Yet you are referring to your profile on a kink site in a return email. Slow down cowboy!



(in reply to LanceHughes)
Profile   Post #: 35
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