What does “sexual” mean in BDSM?

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What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 8/31/2010 9:57:36 PM

inwardbound

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I just started reading the book “S&M Studies in Dominance & Submission” Edited by Thomas Weinberg.

Several times in the first chapter the author talks about the “sexual” natural of the S&M lifestyle. This started me thinking…. There are 2 different people I’ve played with over the last few months. In both cases there was no sexual gratification (penetration or organism); however when I think back on the scenes I do get aroused. The question for me is “what is sexual?” Can a scene be “sexual” even if there is no intercourse/organisms. For example I’m a submissive male & see a lot of ads for Doms looking for a “service sub”. My understanding is with these types of ads there isn’t going to be much (if any) sexual gratification. So again the question, is service a sexual activity?

Does anyone have any insight? I’m fairly new so I don’t have a ton of experience. I’m just trying to understand it all…..

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RE: What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 8/31/2010 10:11:25 PM

tazzygirl

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A chocolate desert can be sexual.

A hot bubble bath can be a sexual experience.

A pedicure can be a sexual experience.

5 minutes of silence can be sexual.

Breathing deeply while being held in the arms of a man i love is definitely sexual to me.

And none of these things involved sexual intercourse or an orgasm...

....except maybe in the case of the chocolate desert.

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RE: What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 8/31/2010 10:21:56 PM

Missokyst

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If you can still do it, you might want to edit the word organisms... and replace it with orgasms.

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RE: What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 8/31/2010 11:33:28 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: inwardbound
So again the question, is service a sexual activity?

For Carol it is not. None of this is sexual for Carol unless we're actually having sex.

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RE: What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 8/31/2010 11:36:47 PM

switch2please

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I'd say if it evokes a sexual reaction, it's sexual. If something arouses you, it's sexual - and it doesn't have to have a 'happy ending' to fit into that category.

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RE: What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 8/31/2010 11:41:03 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: switch2please
I'd say if it evokes a sexual reaction, it's sexual. If something arouses you, it's sexual - and it doesn't have to have a 'happy ending' to fit into that category.

*nods* I'd agree with this definition of "sexual". In my head, if there's a state of arousal, then it's sexual.

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RE: What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 9/1/2010 12:09:24 AM

sodsta

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I'm going to quote a very clever friend of mine on the subject:

quote:

It's very commonly theorised that bdsm entails a particular brand of sexuality that is not genital-centric, and I think this goes a long was in being able to wrap one's brain around how a number of acts that don't seem sexual in nature, as we commonly understand it, do in fact relate to one's sense of their sexuality/sexual satisfaction.

Dominant conceptions of sexuality are so genital-centric that it becomes somewhat unfathomable to understand how certain non-genital activities contain a sexual charge. Also, since 'genital-centric' in the phallocentric economy of western sexuality actually means 'penis-centric', we think of sexuality as being rather, er... "climactic". And so when certain acts don't have a definitive, spectacular finish, as it were, signaling pleasure/release etc., it's even more incomprehensible.

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RE: What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 9/1/2010 6:43:27 AM

LadyPact

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You actually asked two separate questions in your OP. First, you asked about S/m, which is sadism and masochism. Next, you asked about service, which isn't necessarily the play aspect of things. Depending on who you ask, you're going to get a wide range of answers to both of these.

Some people consider all S/m sexual. Whether they are a top or a bottom, they get at least a sexual energy or arousal from any kind of play that they do. This tends to be the most common reason that I've observed for folks who say that they don't involve themselves in casual play at all (they play only in a committed relationship) because it is sexual to them, even if they aren't having physical sex. Some people see it on the same level as foreplay. For others, S/m can be sexual, but it isn't necessarily always sexual. There are people who only see certain types of S/m as sexual or it's only sexual with certain tops or bottoms.

Service is a pretty broad term and not necessarily one that includes play activities. Service generally means that you are doing some type of work activity that directly benefits the Dominant so that person doesn't have to do it. (Personally, I don't consider bottoming a service.) It can be something such as maintaining the yard, house, or just other mundane chores that don't necessarily have any sexual vibe to them whatsoever. A lot of people don't get a sexual charge from doing the dishes, for example, but some people might. Service might include something like pedicures that someone specifically with a foot fetish will see as sexual. It really depends on the people and the activities involved. Some service arrangements are the person comes in, cleans the house in the Dominant's absence, and there is no interaction between them at all. Some include things like bathing the Dominant or giving them a massage. Best method, if someone is looking for a service submissive, ask what that service entails because people use the term for different arrangements. It may be as sexual as cleaning the catbox.

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RE: What does “sexual” mean in BDSM? - 9/2/2010 8:35:02 PM

Nineveh

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As has been said a million times, it depends on who you are. For me inflicting pain on a woman is sexual, she and I can both be fully clothed, no sexual touch, it's still sexual for me. Doing so to a man is not. He can be naked and I can be performing CBT and it is still not sexual to me. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy it but it is a different drive that gets fulfilled.

Having someone bring me a plate of food and a drink can be sexual, in the right circumstances, it can also be service without being sexual, it is all about the context and the people involved.

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