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Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 1:32:25 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		I've been doing quite a bit of thinking lately.  For context, I'd better preface this post by saying my mom passed away recently (from kidney failure) and I was with her when she died and for many hours afterward.  Watching someone you love die, especially when there is little you can do to help them, is an experience that puts a lot of things in perspective.  While this was going on, someone else in my family had a heart attack, likely triggered from the weeks of suffering we watched my mom go through before she died.  Try as we did, nothing brought my mom back to health and when her kidneys failed, this was the final blow.

So... on with my post.  Apparently I'm a horrible submissive.  (Warning:  many "I" statements ahead.)  I mean, I don't think about submission twenty-four hours a day.  I don't need a Mistress, or a Domme, or *anyone* to tell me how to run my life.  I actually like the fact I'm able to manage things in life that it seems any reasonably well-adjusted person should be able to do and nor would I want to burden someone else with these things.  As for my pleasure holes (mouth, cock, and ass) and other, erogenous zones, surprisingly (note the sarcasm)... these don't run my life.  Many days go by that I don't think about sex or BDSM because life is happening and I have other responsibilities and interests that take precedence.  I don't need a chastity device to remind me to follow through on my commitments or to bring my male ego under control.  When I go to BDSM events, nobody talks about true submissives or true dominants, and I don't hump every domme's leg in the room hoping to get attention.  Actually, everyone (myself included), is courteous, accepting, and quite gracious in their approach to sharing with others and allowing for varying interests.  I'm beginning to think online BDSM is a fallacy because real-world, face-to-face interactions are so very different from what happens online.

There are those who aren't comfortable going to kinky events and/or who, for various reasons, can't get to events or meet others in person.  I guess my feeling is real life happens offline.  In the offline world, very little wanker sub stuff happens and, similarly, domineering dominants aren't that frequent either - both types get weeded out by the community and by their peers very quickly.  While reading the forums and encountering topics the ilk of "keeping your sub's cock under control", "ball busting", "face farting", and "subs using their dominants as fetish providers", and handles like "toiletsub4u" and "bitchgoddess"... to be honest, I felt very disconnected and confused.  There's a missing humanity that isn't part of the BDSM community of which I'm a part.  It's either this or I'm just a very, very bad submissive.

This post is more reflective rather than question-oriented.  Certainly though, I'd appreciate it if others shared their views and experiences.  And, if I'm coming across as a condescending, pedantic, little snot with his nose in the air, please do tell me.

Edited to add:  I just found the "kissing" thread again.  Okay.  Things aren't looking quite so "dark".

Elan.


< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 9/1/2010 1:41:03 PM >
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 1:35:48 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Elan, I think you are probably a splendid submissive. You simply have the gall to be an actual, functioning, multi-faceted, human being. This is a good thing.

I am sorry you've lost loved ones recently....sounds like it's been a rough go for you.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 1:36:42 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		Well. this site is mostly worthless. However, the "diamonds" shine through noticeably.

Notice signature below.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 9/1/2010 1:37:17 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 1:38:20 PM   
SorceressJ


Posts: 2968
Joined: 7/24/2010
Status: offline 		IMO, you are -not- a condescending, pedantic little snot. You are a human being and a realist, a grown man who takes care of himself and his real-world business, and a well-spoken one at that. These are things you should be proud of, not apologizing for. I myself would not have a sub/slave any other way. Just saying.
Also, my condolences for your loss. Continue to be yourself, and be well.

_____________________________

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(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 1:44:52 PM   
MissSophieM


Posts: 20
Joined: 7/9/2010
Status: offline 		Elan,

May you and your family be comforted in your time of loss. Please keep your head up. You are what most women who are actually part of the real life BDSM community are looking for.

Be well,

Sophie

(in reply to SorceressJ)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 1:51:17 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Many condolences on the loss of your mother. I'm glad you were together when she passed.


As for the rest of your post, I will remain wisely silent.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 1:57:19 PM   
ohglory


Posts: 1
Joined: 9/1/2010
Status: offline 		i just signed up for this website on the advice of a friend and i have to say, i feel really intimidated by some of the same kinds of hypersexual, supercharged-intensity things youre talking about in paragraph three. it feels pretty foreign from my (admittedly extremely) limited experience, and its refreshing to see another kind of voice alongside it.

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 1:57:51 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		LaTigresse, Twoshoes, and SorceressJ;

Wow.  I didn't think anyone could read through the OP (it's longish) and respond that quickly.  Thank you all for the kind words.  I *am* feeling somewhat disconnected at the moment.  Perhaps, at present, reading a BDSM forum isn't the best idea.

LaTigresse:  we've known one another (somewhat) on the forums for quite some time.  Your words are very much appreciated.

Twoshoes:  signature noted.  Thanks. :-)

SorceressJ:  I've only seen a few of your posts, but, none-the-less, have enjoyed reading your thoughts.  Thank you for your support and for you comment about my being "well-spoken".  When posting, I try to wordsmith such that my thoughts are, at minimum, readable and cohesive.  Occasionally, I'm successful.  Other times, not so much so!

E.

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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 2:03:48 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		First, allow Me to offer My condolences.  I am very sorry for your loss.

I would have to say that your reflections match My own.  I don't see even the smallest fraction of what happens online that I do in BDSM gatherings in the real world.  Very recently, I said on a thread that I would love to see some of the same stunts that are pulled electronically tried in a face to face venue.  The sadist in Me would absolutely love it if certain twatwaffles that show up here would show up at a munch as I was attending, just so that I could watch what happened to them.

My sexuality doesn't run My life, either.  I've been on the current thread about married/cheating/when the other partner finds out thread, and obviously there is something wrong with Me that My sexual urges are not so out of control that fucking someone else doesn't supersede My priority list if I've said I won't.  (I'm still trying to figure that one out, but oh well.)  I guess I'm old, but Me saying that I will do a thing or won't do a thing is sufficient and I don't need 'outside help' to follow My word.  The same goes for a lot of other things that I say on these forums.  When I tell someone to obey, I expect it.  When I say no, that's the end.  You know.  The stuff that you would think would happen when one person is in charge over another.

To Me, life is still the stuff that happens away from this little box that I'm looking at to type this up.  If it can't happen that way, I'm really not interested in it.  People who can't go to a munch or meet for coffee just have nothing worthwhile for Me.  Electronic BDSM is about the equivalent of thinking that living is done by playing WOW.

My tolerance has dropped a great deal in these past few months.  I'm completely aware of it.  At some point, you want to tell people (ok, so I've done it already) to use the freaking computer as the tool it was intended to be and then shut it off and live life a little bit.  Use it for research, but don't think that's all there is or that the world outside stopped turning.  Go to the munch, read a book, meet for coffee, learn something at a demo, look face to face with someone you've never met in person before, have some actual fun that doesn't need to come through the screen.  There's supposed to be some actual living going on.  Maybe that's why people call it a "life" style.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Twoshoes)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 2:45:46 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Sophie:  Thank you.  Right now, keeping my head up entails organizing a funeral.  Things are happening so fast that I don't have much time to think... which is probably a good thing.  Thank you for your compliment and for writing.

LadyHibiscus:  Thanks for your thoughts and for posting.

ohglory:  CM can be a shock to the senses, even for those of us who've been around a while.  However, anyone who writes "teach pre-school by day, and revel in my capricious youth and beauty by night" is likely well equipped for the communication struggles that sometimes ensue.  In other words, welcome aboard and thank you for your very human note.

Elan.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 3:00:24 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Lady Pact,

Reading your reply now.  Will reply momentarily. :-)

E.

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Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 3:10:08 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		Elan, I'm very sorry for your loss.

_____________________________



My fave Thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_2626198/mpage_1/tm.htm

One time "Phallus Expert Extraordinaire"

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 3:41:20 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		Elan,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. My best wishes to you and yours.

Somebody here recently linked to a thread which included one of Undergroundsea's posts which referred to one of his - and my own - favourite subjects: the psychology of submissives. As his posts usually are, it was cool-headed and carefully balanced. It referred to the needs and drives in submissives *other* than that to be submissive.

It suddenly reminded me of everything else inside our minds - things that we, as humans, either yearn for or just must have in order to survive. I have a day-to-day need to feel that I've achieved something, to feel the benefit of companionship, belonging, love from at least one other person . . . . I could go on. But I don't need to, because hundreds of highly-respected psychologists, and others, have already collated a vast list.

There's a much simpler point - and it's this what Sea's post really inspired in me. This point is made by asking, "Who is it that's fantasising about this life of D/s?" If I say, "I want to be a slave!" . . . Then who is the "I" that's expressing that wish? That 'I' can be so ordinary that, next to the fantasy, it's going to look eminently dispensable. Who wants 'ordinary' when 'fantastic' could be on offer? Moreover, who wants a 'moderate' fantasy when hard-core could be attainable? The gold standard, though, is 'purity of fantasy' - where everything ordinary has now been disinfected, leaving *only* the hard-core fantasy.

But we forget why things became ordinary for us in the first place. True, part of the reason why they can be that way is out of necessity. Most of us have to put up with ordinary levels of income, ordinary homes, ordinary views through the kitchen window in the morning. But the other part of the reason why things are ordinary is because we wanted those things in our lives and now we're used to having them - they're second nature. For instance, I'm used to loving, and being loved, by certain people. Take that away and I will, for at least a time, feel as though a chunk of what I am has been severed from me.

"Live the dream!", people often exclaim. I'd say: No. *Dream* the dream and live the reality, but get them communicating with one another as best you can. The dream doesn't rule ordinary life; that's not what it's meant for. It has no automatic right of overlordship to the rest of what's in us. Mr Dream talks to Mr Real on equal terms; if all goes well, they work together in a mutually-beneficial relationship. People won't end up living the dream that way, but they might have solidly better lives.

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 3:48:19 PM   
MsMillgrove


Posts: 260
Joined: 5/27/2008
Status: offline 		Very sorry to hear of your loss Elan, good wishes too that your funeral planning and execution will leave you feeling that your mother had a proper send-off. She'll always be with you in ways you don't see right now, but when you need her, she'll be there for you.

I've always found CM to be a bizarre motley crew. The forums are less surreal than the otherside, where the correspondence can be difficult to face sometimes. I got a letter yesterday that sent my blood pressure up because it was short and to the point--and I didn't have time to turn on my calming inner voice. The writer basically asked when I was available to give him a session. This infuriated me because I am not a pro domme and I could not get over the fact that some guy felt it was ok to treat me as though I would be interested in working as one, for free. A total stranger felt it was ok to do that. It's so not! Didn't say a word about himself or my profile. Nothing. Just the statement that he wasn't a 24/7 sub and when could I make myself available for a session with him.

I never meet anyone in real life who behaves like this. If I go to the dungeon, I can find a play partner in five minutes. Someone well-dressed, clean, charming, sweet. A nice man or woman. He will know how to negotiate a scene, can make me feel like an attractive lady, will carry my bag or see me out safely. Will fetch water or tea for me. What else do I need if I am looking for a casual partner?
Everywhere I go locally, I have friends to greet me, interesting demos to view, advisors to help me with equipment or tools. Anything I need, it's there.

The one thing that's not easy in real time is to know which of the casual partners are interested in a more evolved relationship, who might like to be considered for a collar. The reason I've stayed at CM and value the site, is that here at least, those who are real...can signal their genuine interest in a clear way. Maybe some of the men or women I see at the dungeons or munches are "looking" for a mistress, but also feel they can't tell which Ladies might be interested in them for something more. We don't always find one another. Here at CM I found my pony--she was going out, just as i was, locally. But neither of us bumped into one another, and even if we had, we might not have uncovered our mutual interest in pony play.

So I do sympathize with lifestylers who find online forums, sites or relationships to be rather strange and replete with fantasy people who never met anyone with real time experience.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 6:28:04 PM   
Steponme73


Posts: 552
Joined: 11/9/2007
Status: offline 		Elan like the others I am sorry for your loss. I wish the best for you and yours. Your mother will always be with you.
As far as you being a "bad" submissive...I don't think so. Just because you don't think it 24/7 or live it or breathe it does not make you bad.
The truth being that you are probably a better sub for not being that way. You have real life interests, other responsibilities and quite frankly other things in your life that are just if not more important.
Nothing wrong with that.
In my particular case people who meet me at a normal venue would not ever suspect my "other" side. Just because you wish to submit to someone does not make you a freak or bad. I think you are very much in touch with yourself and have your feet on the ground headed in the right direction. Keep it up!
This site like all others that are similar are pure fiction and fantasy. There are real people here and you can tell which ones are and which ones are not. The majority who live their fantasies out on line have little common with the people who live in the real life. Just my two cents worth.

(in reply to MsMillgrove)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 8:56:39 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		Lady Pact,

The purple text is one of Your trademarks and it's comforting to see (in addition, of course, to Your reply).  Thank You.  And then there's this:

quote:

The sadist in Me would absolutely love it if certain twatwaffles that show up here would show up at a munch as I was attending, just so that I could watch what happened to them.


i've always believed enriching ones vocabulary is an important part of growing and communicating so i can now add "twatwaffle" to my wordsmithing toolkit.  This is the smile i needed today. :-)

The issue of play/sexual ethics vis-a-vis partners involved with others who do not have the consent of these other people is not unique to BDSM.  However, it does seem equally prevalent (if not more so) in BDSM and sometimes, especially online, it seems people think standards of behaviour are lowered.  That's the thing that often amazes me.  The same people who likely never behave in real life as they do online still drop all protocols of courtesy, grace, honesty, etc. when communicating with someone online.  "Here's a picture of my cock."  "Wanna' tie me up and beat me?"  And, of course, the more subtle variation which is *almost* (note the emphasis on almost) inviting by comparison... posting a thread asking "do dommes like (insert kink here)", accompanied by a handle that includes the same kink.  Do people really think these cold, point-blank, pickup approaches work?  i have never heard of or met anyone who responds to these.  (This said, while not something i'd recommend as an everyday way to woo a partner, in the right context and with the right person and chemistry, a face-to-face approach featuring "Wanna' play, fuck, etc." can be a direct lead-in to said activity occurring!)

quote:

The same goes for a lot of other things that I say on these forums.  When I tell someone to obey, I expect it.  When I say no, that's the end.  You know.  The stuff that you would think would happen when one person is in charge over another.


Ha!  No slight intended at all, but... this is not as easily accomplished in real life as it is to type (especially when the thing you're saying "no" to is something your partner really wants and you care about your partner's happiness).  i do, however, agree with You. :-)

quote:

Electronic BDSM is about the equivalent of thinking that living is done by playing WOW.


*completely innocent tone of voice*  WOW?  Do you mean... as in... video games?  Oh.  Sorry.  I don't know anything about those. :-)

Being serious now, i'll be the first to admit it's easy to become addicted to the idiot box (the computer one as opposed to the television one).  i have to continually remind myself to turn off the computer.  The computer is a great communications, research, and analysis tool, but it's just so darned easy to spend time in front of the screen instead of with people in real life.  This is perhaps the key thing that got me out into my local, BDSM community - a realization that i was spending too much time at the computer and not enough time exercising, socializing, and communicating with people face-to-face.

Thanks for Your reflections Lady Pact.  i really appreciate Your continuing friendship and support.

Side note:  In case You're wondering why the quotes aren't showing up in purple... this is because i prefer to type at a word processor instead of into a browser.  A word processor has much better writing tools (which is why i use one for writing posts), but when copying and pasting quotes, the CM formatting isn't retained.

Elan.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 9:02:54 PM   
ElanSubdued


Posts: 1511
Status: offline 		hlen5, PeonForHer, MsMillgrove, and Steponme73;

Ironically, given the discussion about spending too much time at the computer, I've run out of time and must apply myself to some things away from the computer.  Thus, so as not to be rude, I'm going to make some quick replies now rather than promising to come back later (which isn't likely to happen for a while given the number of things I have to do at present).

hlen5:  With sincerity... thank you.

PeonForHer:  It took me a few reads through your post to clarify the philosophy in my mind.  I think I've got some of it now.  Indeed, when the real "I" is relatively mundane compared to the fantasy "I", it's easy to sell ourselves (psychologically).  And, once we've upped the ante so as to turn our fantasy to reality, this becomes ordinary and the self sales job starts again.  It's hard to know when to put on the brakes and easy to slip down a hill we never intended to be at the top of in the first place.  Incidentally, I highly approve of your choice in philosophers.  Though not a recognized entity (to my knowledge), I'm a fan of Mr. Sea.  Thanks for your thoughts and friendship.

MsMillgrove:  I think you're spot on about speaking with people face-to-face versus in email/online.  When at a BDSM party, it is reasonably easy to find partners who are capable of interacting with courtesy, charm, and flare.  It doesn't seem to matter whether you're on the top or bottom side of things because people navigate quite well in person.  You're at an event that requires social skills from all attending and, when face-to-face, it's easier to read people and to respond appropriately.  The conundrum is, sometimes, as you underlined, it's easier to discover very personal, specific areas of compatibility in a medium that is inherently less personal (such as through email).  Like you, this is, in part, why I still use the forums and why I still come to web sites like Collar Me and FetLife.  Where I think a lot of people are mistaken online is they think the medium removes the need for building rapport (as would seem to be the case with your drive by sub who wants to turn you into an insta-pro-domme).  I actually find online communications not much different than those in real life.  The process of establishing rapport and of finding out how someone works (their personal style, likes, quirks, triggers etc.) is the same.  However, some types of communication are best had face-to-face, others are better on the phone, others (still) are better in an email or through a medium like instant messaging, and then we come to texting on cell phones... yet another medium with pros and cons, and effective and less effective uses.  One of the social skills of the current millennium is figuring out how to best use all the communication tools now available.

Steponme73:  Thank you for your kind words about my mom and about my BDSM approach.  I've been involved in BDSM long enough that I'm comfortable with who I am.  But, gee, sometimes, when I read kinky topics online and occasionally when I meet kinky people face-to-face, I really do feel like an outsider.  As a submissive, I'm quite capable of functioning without a Mistress micromanaging me and telling me what to do, and without my cock dictating my behaviour... whoa... in the online, BDSM world this makes me a freak! :-)  There isn't anything wrong with exploring fantasies online.  This is a great way to research and learn with others, and to find out how to take the fantasy in your mind and turn it into something appropriate and attainable in real life - safety issues, logistics issues, etc.  I agree with you that there are wonderful people online.  In this forum alone, there are people who have had a big impact on my life and who have helped me in very positive ways.  It's also true though that these same people tend to be those who live BDSM in real life.  These are people who practice actual, loving, responsible BDSM play and BDSM relationships.

Thank you to everyone for your support and for your thoughts about my mom.  I'm signing off for the night,

Elan.

(in reply to hlen5)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 9:17:29 PM   
BlackTigerDragon


Posts: 180
Joined: 4/1/2010
Status: offline 		OMG! You have an IQ over three? No that simply won't do! That means you are not a sub if your IQ is over three! All subs are mentally retarded to the point they can't even go outside without supervision. Or even outside the bedroom without supervision. No sub should have an opinion or ideas or a favourite colour. You are a terrible sub! Stay away from me with your failed subness! Subs have to do everything the dominant says and have no limits and if the sub doesn't like it and wants to leave they can't because they are a sub. You are not a sub until your life is in danger and the dominant is doing something that is obviously illegal.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)
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RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 9:22:49 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline 		Elan,

My deepest sympathies with your loss of your Mother.

It is a difficult confrontation with life ... that sometimes leads one to think more introspectively ...

From your words ... it seems to me ... you are a good man ...

keep your chin up ... and know others really do care!

Best Wishes

sO2


(in reply to ElanSubdued)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Confessions of a bad submissive. - 9/1/2010 9:34:56 PM   
seekingOwnertoo


Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BlackTigerDragon

OMG! You have an IQ over three? No that simply won't do! That means you are not a sub if your IQ is over three! All subs are mentally retarded to the point they can't even go outside without supervision. Or even outside the bedroom without supervision. No sub should have an opinion or ideas or a favourite colour. You are a terrible sub! Stay away from me with your failed subness! Subs have to do everything the dominant says and have no limits and if the sub doesn't like it and wants to leave they can't because they are a sub. You are not a sub until your life is in danger and the dominant is doing something that is obviously illegal.



Clearly ... You said this all ... tongue in cheek ...

Because mensa clearly identified ... i have the an IQ of .... four!

Am thinking .. Elan .. is a lot higher than this!

(in reply to BlackTigerDragon)
Profile   Post #: 20
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