emotional transparancy

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

emotional transparancy

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> emotional transparancy

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

emotional transparancy - 9/5/2010 1:50:06 PM

abuddingdom

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/8/2007
Status: offline

Ok folks, those of you who know of this and more importantly have experienced this in a D/s dynamic please expound on this subject : if it's worked, if it hasn't, why or why not, would you be willing to try it again if it didn't work previously, etc etc etc. Please share.......

Post #: 1

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/5/2010 2:00:53 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

It's pretty much a requirement in my relationship and in any past relationship I've ever had..bdsm or not.

It worked in my marriage. It didn't work in my last relationship. It was too much for him to handle I think.

It works in my current relationship. We're both pretty mature and can handle each other's emotions but neother one of us have wildly erratic emotions or anything like that either. We're pretty even keel I think and that I think makes the difference...no drama involved.

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 2

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/5/2010 2:04:09 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

It's essential for me. The lack of it in my marriage was always a problem. He didn't want to have to deal with me needing support or anything from him.

I wouldn't get into another relationship without it.

I'm not on an even keel, thankfully he usually is. I need his help to stay in control and to have an outlet. He has no problem being my shoulder to cry on.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 3

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/5/2010 7:24:34 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

I have finally found the man who accepts me for who I am. The woman who can make mountains out of molehills, then get a response of "yes dear" or "you're a silly girl". Then I crack up and I'm back on track. The first time I can truly express myself out loud and not be put down or told to shut up. He has known from the very start that I suffer from clinical depression and hasn't run away. He's there for me as I am for him when he needs me. What else could I ask for? He ensures I take my meds and eat regular meals as well as try to get me to sleep. Insomnia doesn't help but I do the best I can and get praise for that.

OK, so a few million would help, but it still wouldn't change the fact that I'm me, the best person I can be.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 4

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/5/2010 10:26:50 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom

Ok folks, those of you who know of this and more importantly have experienced this in a D/s dynamic please expound on this subject : if it's worked, if it hasn't, why or why not, would you be willing to try it again if it didn't work previously, etc etc etc. Please share.......

I had to think about this.

Did you mean this definition?

quote:

Emotional transparency is the ability to know your own feelings & to talk about them so that others clearly understand them.

With my level of emotional awareness and non-judgmental nature, most people easily trust me with their emotions eventually.

As far as romantic relationships, it depends. Some people aren't very emotionally aware, others don't often want to relate to the world through emotions (both of which are alright since I do get an idea anyway of how to make it work anyway).

The only issue is when someone won't trust me and purposefully hides their emotions which creates confusion. I sometimes do this myself to avoid feeling too vulnerable, but it doesn't make things smoother.

The benefit of someone who is good at "emotional transparency" is that it takes less time and energy to deal with something.

As far as D/s relationships go, I don't have much experience, but I can tell you right now that without emotional feedback of some sort, I wouldn't be very good at controlling anything. It is soooo much easier for me to ask or tell someone I understand to do something because they like me, want to impress me, etc. And the emotional feedback is one of my motivations for wanting to "dominate" someone I'm with.

I have a feeling you were asking about some sort of ultimate emotional transparency, where you would want to share everything about the submissive.
I'd personally prefer if the person kept their own filter about what is important to share. I don't have all the patience in the world to wade through irrelevant emotional reactions.

Ironically, typing this made me feel vulnerable.

At this point I should add that I'm not the most outwardly emotional person myself. Nor is my drive to please others very strong. I do like making people feel good but never at my own expense.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 9/5/2010 11:08:12 PM >

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 5

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/5/2010 11:06:20 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom
Ok folks, those of you who know of this and more importantly have experienced this in a D/s dynamic please expound on this subject : if it's worked, if it hasn't, why or why not, would you be willing to try it again if it didn't work previously, etc etc etc. Please share.......

It? What "it" exactly are we talking about? If you're referring to dealing with your partner with courage and honesty then yeah, we do that and we think it's a good thing.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 6

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/5/2010 11:47:59 PM

phoenixmoonn13

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline

if you mean can we be completly open aobut our emotions then for 27 plus years i couldnt show thme i never trusted my husband fully and i never felt icould be open emotionally to him since leaving him and finding master i can now be totally open about anything and yes its now animportant part for him if i wasnt then our relationship wpouldnt be the wonderful one i it is

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 7

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/6/2010 6:48:30 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

I don't practice emotional transparency.

I am very emotive whereas Andrew isn't, at all.

For long enough I did practice it and time and time again, when my feelings were negative, it damaged the intimacy between us.

Now, when I have negative emotions, my girlfriends get it all. They are far better at understanding me than he is, far better at giving me what I want too.

It works for us.

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)

Post #: 8

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/6/2010 12:44:40 PM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline

We're both aware of what we think and feel and why, and we share it with each other.

We don't put a fancy term to it. We just talk.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 9

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/7/2010 7:47:43 AM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

I think it's essential.
Where the problems come in, in My experience, is where one partner is reluctant, no matter what they may tell you to the contrary. Trust is very easily destroyed by self sabotage. And when this happens, the relationship is destroyed. D/s, vanilla, it matters not, the principles are the same, as are the unfortunate results.

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 10

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/7/2010 8:00:51 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

I think full emotional transparency can work when there is an agreed-upon level for both partners as to what is being emotionally honest and what is being emotionally indulgent and what is being emotionally guarded-to-the-point-of...as someone put it...reluctance to share what they feel until they can put it in a box and wall it up to the point where cool rationality is the only expression of that emotion. The depth of the emotion, the length of time it has been being experienced, the struggle to deal with it and its' fallout are kept within one partner and left unshared.

Circumstances in my life have left me guarded despite what appears to be openness. It is hard to admit to feelings when you are unclear as to how someone else processes and shares their own.

(in reply to LadyRian)

Post #: 11

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/7/2010 8:06:25 AM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom

Ok folks, those of you who know of this and more importantly have experienced this in a D/s dynamic please expound on this subject : if it's worked, if it hasn't, why or why not, would you be willing to try it again if it didn't work previously, etc etc etc. Please share...

Yes, emotional transparency (honesty, integrity, comfortable communication) "works", but only with emotional maturity on both sides.

_____________________________

Omnes una manet nox

Founder, Humbled Females

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 12

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/7/2010 8:52:13 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom

Ok folks, those of you who know of this and more importantly have experienced this in a D/s dynamic please expound on this subject : if it's worked, if it hasn't, why or why not, would you be willing to try it again if it didn't work previously, etc etc etc. Please share.......

It works beautifully in my relationship with my two girls. It works because Emotional Transparency DOESN"T equate to saying what we feel in anyway we want. In my view that is the biggest failing in those that attempt to live an emotional transparent relationship.

Emotional Transparency means to us sharing what we feel in a constructive manner for the relationship. It also means LISTENING constructively to the feelings of others in the relationship.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 13

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/7/2010 10:20:39 AM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline

It is important to me. When I own someone I own her emotions too. I want to know what those emotions are. If she holds them back from me I can't Dom her properly because I don't have all the information and she is withholding something that is mine.

I know that some Doms prefer Emotional Control to Emotional transparency. I don't think that emotional control can ever be more than an illusion, but if you want that, that's your thing. For me I would rather know that what I have done has made my sub angry, or sad. There will be times when I will want her to be angry or sad and having her choose to obey me even though she is angry or sad is a huge turn on.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 14

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/7/2010 12:58:02 PM

Statepalace

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/20/2007
Status: offline

Emotional transparency :)

It worked beautifully for my last D/s relationship, and I cannot imagine having another power exchange relationship without it. As others have said, it doesn't mean saying anything any everything that comes into your head. It doesn't mean being caustic or attacking. To give the best example of what is means to me, here is an excerpt from an email I sent to my last Dom - (for those that remember, this was in reference to the latex debacle of 2008) -

*****************************************************************
"Driving out to pick up your picture, I had something of an epiphany. Here I am driving, really sad, thinking about how unhappy I am with wearing latex. It is NOT the experience I thought it was going to be. Not in any way, shape or form. It's hot, it makes weird air noises when you move, and there is butt sweat. I'm really sad, and kind of scared. I don't want to tell you that something you did made me unhappy, that having me wear latex sucks ass. I'm doing it, I'm submitting, but I don't think you wanted me to loathe it so much. A Valentine's Day present is supposed to be a happy thing, after all.

I was thinking to myself that the intention was probably to have me feel slutty and self-conscious, not fat, itchy and sweaty.

I have this strong urge to "make it right", to pretend and give you what I think you want to see. I think you want this, and I am not feeling it, so have terrible guilt and sadness about disappointing you. I feel that I have disappointed you by not reacting in the way you wanted. I feel sad that I've "ruined" your present by not liking wearing it.

Dishonest or not, I am running through a list of reasons NOT to tell you. Thinking of ways to lie about the situation. Really upset because I am upset, and I don't want you to get mad at me because something you did made me unhappy. Then I remember - that doesn't happen with you.

I don't have to be scared of you reaction to me not liking something, because as you've tried to tell me, your ego is not so fragile as to be threatened by something so silly and inconsequential. I don't have to make everything right by lying and saying I am fine. I don't have to hide the fact that I'm sad, or scared, or unhappy. I really, really don't have to do that. I don't have that responsibility. I am not the one that bears the full weight of a man's emotional state, so must always pretend that everything is perfect.

What a change.

This afternoon, at 3:37, I believed you. While I had heard it before, and tried to understand, I actually comprehended today. You just want my honest reaction. There is no win/lose. It is a win/win for you either way, because the only goal is for me to show you what is going on."

******************************************************
THAT, for me, is the definition of emotional transparency. My ex-husband felt very upset or threatened when I expressed my feelings, from something like fear when he drove too fast to something minor like a small sadness that we hadn't gone out together in a few months.

To be free to give feedback and know that it will be heard (not necessarily acted upon, but simply acknowledged); to know that I do not have full responsibility for keeping a dynamic intact by pretending to feel something, or not feel something, so that a man's ego isn't threatened; to be free of the responsibility for lying about what I feel - it's amazing.

Telling my former Dom that I liked something did not mean I would get it. Saying I didn't like something didn't always mean it would be avoided. Also, none of his requirements for transparency and feedback changed HOW I had to speak to him (politely, with respect, etc).

But freeing me of that mask of "everything is fine, you're great, this is so super awesome" let us get closer, let me feel more known, more fully controlled. He said that if he didn't know what was going on inside my head, with my body, my emotions, we couldn't reach that place where the masks fell away and we were two creatures stripped raw of pretense. It was beautiful and so very peaceful.

_____________________________

And if I cease to desire and remain still,
the empire will be at peace of its own accord

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 15

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/7/2010 9:09:39 PM

MarcEsadrian

Posts: 852
Joined: 8/24/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: StatepalaceTo be free to give feedback and know that it will be heard (not necessarily acted upon, but simply acknowledged); to know that I do not have full responsibility for keeping a dynamic intact by pretending to feel something, or not feel something, so that a man's ego isn't threatened; to be free of the responsibility for lying about what I feel - it's amazing.

I liked this. It expresses the virtues of transparency without loosing the authority and respect in the dynamic.

_____________________________

Omnes una manet nox

Founder, Humbled Females

(in reply to Statepalace)

Post #: 16

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/7/2010 9:25:33 PM

sophiesback

Posts: 4039
Joined: 11/4/2009
From: Illinois
Status: offline

Master can read me like a book, even when we're not in the same state. I tell him my thoughts and feelings even when I know he won't like them or agree with them. It works for us. He knows where my head and heart are. He's not a mind reader. He tells me his feelings too, just not his thoughts. I'm ok with that. I can read him pretty well, and sometimes too well. Sometimes I have wished out loud to NOT be so inside his head. Of course he laughs at this.

In a previous relationship I was in, it was expected that I did not share my thoughts and feelings on everything, only when asked for them. This did not work for me. Apparently it works for his new girl *shrug* or not, since she's never been seen

_____________________________

CM's Resident Goof
30 Fluffy points

(in reply to MarcEsadrian)

Post #: 17

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/9/2010 12:10:30 AM

DMFParadox

Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline

Emotional transparency is tricky, because the mind does not work in a straight line.

Sometimes people will say something contrary to their internal state, and believe it afterwards. Other times, they'll create self-defeating prophesies. Anticipation can be both friend and enemy.

Another problem is that I've seen people equate 'speak your mind' and 'speak your mind disrespectfully' far too often. One extreme example - I dated a girl once who's biggest complaint was that I 'didn't want to hear her out.' Because I'd drop the hammer down whenever she got insulting. She couldn't get the idea in her head that it's possible to be open with each other, and even disagree strongly, without being asinine and dismissive. I spent a couple family dinners with her folks, and they all talked like that; it was a damned war zone. And not in a fun way. Mean sarcasm, zingers, everyone trying to score points on each other. Not my cup of tea.

So I reserve judgement on emotional transparency, until I see it in action. Each person is different, and what works for some won't for others. I will say that it requires discipline and patience to carry off well.

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to sophiesback)

Post #: 18

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/11/2010 12:28:52 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: abuddingdom

Ok folks, those of you who know of this and more importantly have experienced this in a D/s dynamic please expound on this subject : if it's worked, if it hasn't, why or why not, would you be willing to try it again if it didn't work previously, etc etc etc. Please share.......

There's a time and a place.......I'm a massive believer in privacy.....and I only allow people who are very close to me into my private life....including what's going on in my mind......

Yes....emotional transparency for me in a relationship.....but...I can't abide self-pity and will not under any circumstances tolerate it......I like positive people who when they're feeling low work it out and strive toward a solution rather than wallow in their own misery.....and the same bollocks rearing it's head over and over again garners no sympathy from me.....

We're humans....we all have have self-doubt and anxiety......it's how you deal with that that counts in my book....god loves a trier as they say!

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to abuddingdom)

Post #: 19

RE: emotional transparancy - 9/16/2010 9:10:48 PM

abuddingdom

Posts: 158
Joined: 3/8/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for the replies, folks. Emotional Transparancy is likely is a topic that's been done to death on these boards, but I think it's one worth visiting, and was hoping for more replies but, again, thanks to those of you who did reply.........

My reason for asking : I've hit a roadblock and want to get past it. We've practiced it since we went fulltime 2 years back, and recently I've realized that I'm real good at it from my end, but I've come to use it as a cleansing thing. That's not a bad thing, but I've gotten into a rut where that's what comes from it(and that's sure not what it's supposed to be - all - about). Essentially, I get satisfaction from it and think to myself "well, I feel better, let's move on". On the other hand, when my pretty one practices it I become impatient, and even have treated it as disobedience, dealt with it in that manner, and say "let's move on". In both cases, she gets left behind. I thought it was a recent thing, but I realize that I was doing it in some degrees all along, just less overtly than in these past few months.

I'm not a "D" type who wants it all about me, that's just not my style. Can anyone point me in the direction of some writing on this topic? Or, if you've negotiated it as part of a D/s dynamic and would care to contact me off board and educate or advise me a bit, or just share your experience, I'd be grateful. As would my pretty one..........

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> emotional transparancy

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094