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What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 9:11:41 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		i realise that people are different, but are there any traits that sadists and masochists exhibit more frequently than the general population? Intuition, for example, or the ability to sense what someone else is feeling? Compassion? Cynicism?

Is there a characteristic that Dominants and submissives both need in order to be successful at BDSM?

pam
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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 9:13:07 PM   
Twoshoes


Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline 		What is your deal with extremely vague questions asking for generalizations?

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 9:43:08 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 10:04:48 PM   
AnimusRex


Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline 		It has been my experience that sadists and masochists visit BDSM websites and play parties far more frequently than vanilla people.

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 10:17:46 PM   
gungadin09


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quote:

ORIGINAL: AnimusRex

It has been my experience that sadists and masochists visit BDSM websites and play parties far more frequently than vanilla people.


hahahahahaha!!!!!!

pam

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 10:18:26 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
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quote:

It has been my experience that sadists and masochists visit BDSM websites and play parties far more frequently than vanilla people.

As usual, Animus nailed it! 
Really, the umbrella is just too wide to find one thing that all sadists and masochists have in common, other than being human. Expand it to everyone here on CM (not all are sadists or masochists) and it is even more impossible. There are just too many factors.


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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 10:26:15 PM   
gungadin09


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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

Really, the umbrella is just too wide to find one thing that all sadists and masochists have in common, other than being human. Expand it to everyone here on CM (not all are sadists or masochists) and it is even more impossible. There are just too many factors.



Maybe i should change the question. For YOU, in your BDSM relationships, is there any one trait that both parties need to have in order for the relationship to be successful? Any trait that you would NOT need as much if it were a vanilla relationship?

For me, i think that empathy and being emotionally in tune with one another is especially important in BDSM, although clearly it is important in any relationship. i think that the danger that is involved requires much more of being able to "read" the other person.

pam


< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 9/5/2010 10:29:43 PM >

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 11:08:09 PM   
DarkSteven


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Status: offline 		As a Dom, I have a sadistic streak, and like being in control.

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 11:09:38 PM   
bellesoumise


Posts: 258
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Status: offline 		I bet you don't like giving up the remote either.

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 11:41:33 PM   
gungadin09


Posts: 3232
Joined: 3/19/2010
Status: offline 		Maybe i wasn't clear. What i meant to ask was what traits to sadists and masochists, Doms and subs, have in common WITH EACH OTHER. If there are any traits. i wasn't asking what traits do Doms and subs have in common with other Doms and subs.

pam

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 11:46:39 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		the same things that all couples look for.....compatibility

Really, you don't seem to understand from your postings that bdsm is absolutely no different from the rest of the world. There are no special traits, there is no idea that people into bdsm are somehow deeper, more connected, blah blah blah.

They're people, seeking the same things that others are seeking in life.


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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/5/2010 11:47:41 PM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

i realise that people are different, but are there any traits that sadists and masochists exhibit more frequently than the general population? Intuition, for example, or the ability to sense what someone else is feeling? Compassion? Cynicism?

Is there a characteristic that Dominants and submissives both need in order to be successful at BDSM?

pam


With all human relating trustworthiness is essential. Obviously this characteristic applies between those who identify as being dominant and or submissive. Without trustworthiness the probability of succeeding in a relationship, regardless of those who relate within the confines of BDSM, is next to impossible. That is if you demonstrate integrity and value it in another. To generalize characteristically about how others identify is at best impossible to ever become failsafe in the outcome.

To be frank with you I am wondering if you were attempting to ask something that you have not presented as distinctly clear as perhaps you could have. I say that because on the surface it appears as though you are asking questions that are related to simple generalizations. This is not said to be rude to you. Not at all. I say this because this is what your words imply. I mention this now only as a point of clarity.

Overall I do believe that you have presented a topic that has not been discussed in detail and in doing so it would require great patience as much sorting and comparisons would need to be considered. I hope you read my entry in the Spirit in which I present it and if you have further thoughts do not hesitate to present them.

Take care!

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/6/2010 12:24:24 AM   
gungadin09


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Zevar

To be frank with you I am wondering if you were attempting to ask something that you have not presented as distinctly clear as perhaps you could have. I say that because on the surface it appears as though you are asking questions that are related to simple generalizations.
Take care!

Yes, that's true. i am asking for a simple generalization.

pam

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/6/2010 2:23:22 AM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
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Status: offline 		There is a simple generalization that is at hand, but it's an answer to a different question.

To the question, 'what trait do people who leave the vanilla world for the BDSM world have in common' usually the right answer is 'imagination'.

Jeff

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/6/2010 2:57:52 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		Generalizations don't work. You can't figure out what all of us have in common, because each one of us is remarkably different, in our kinks and personalities. There isn't a single thing you could say that would apply to each and every person on here, much less in the greater world of kink. Try it - make a general statement and see if it applies to everyone.

The closest I can think of is that we all enjoy playing with power, but I bet there are some people who would disagree with even that statement.

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/6/2010 3:02:30 AM   
Shadow-tiger


Posts: 1775
Joined: 6/8/2008
From: California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jujubeeMB

Try it - make a general statement and see if it applies to everyone.

The closest I can think of is that we all enjoy playing with power, but I bet there are some people who would disagree with even that statement.

Alright, I'll give this a try.

Kinky things turn me on. That's about as good as I've got for something that may work for everybody. Possibly. Oh I know, power exchange makes the world go 'round! No wait, that's what you just said.

I think I'm going to sleep on it. Not that I think there's a good answer for this one beyond there not really being one.


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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/6/2010 4:12:46 AM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		FR

I think you're all being a liiiittle bit harsh. The point of a generalisation is that it doesn't have to apply to everyone here-just the general majority.

Jeff said 'imagination'. I'm going to follow that route, and say 'creativity'. I suspect the number of kinksters I know that write is well above average-and while you could argue that posting on CM is self-selective in that regard, because (with the exception of that bloke who thought monogamy was somehow unsubmissive) people who hate writing tend to avoid message boards, but I'm *not just talking about CM*.

Now before people all jump in and say 'I'm really uncreative! I hate writing and I never play music and I never ever spend any time thinking of original ways to tie someone up and do bad things to them!', this is a generalisation. Probably a pretty weak one at that, but it's what the OP asked for.

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/6/2010 4:21:17 AM   
Nineveh


Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyldHrt

Really, the umbrella is just too wide to find one thing that all sadists and masochists have in common, other than being human. Expand it to everyone here on CM (not all are sadists or masochists) and it is even more impossible. There are just too many factors.



Maybe i should change the question. For YOU, in your BDSM relationships, is there any one trait that both parties need to have in order for the relationship to be successful? Any trait that you would NOT need as much if it were a vanilla relationship?

For me, i think that empathy and being emotionally in tune with one another is especially important in BDSM, although clearly it is important in any relationship. i think that the danger that is involved requires much more of being able to "read" the other person.

pam



I am a crappy reader of people in most vanilla situations.  I'm good with personal politics, board games, and selling people booze.  I think the eye for personal politics is why I have strength as a Dom, I can determine people's weak spots and push on them to get them to give up power. 

I don't need a sub that is terribly perceptive either.  I am very forgiving, and I need a sub who is as well.  That is much more vital in a BDSM relationship for me than it is in a vanilla one (although it's pretty important there too)

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/6/2010 4:50:17 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		There is nothing that I need in this relationship that is not also needed in a vanilla relationship; love, trust, mutual respect, open communication etc. And one needs these in any intimate relationship including the ones we have with parents, children etc to have those relationships be as happy and successful as possible.

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RE: What do we have in common? - 9/6/2010 6:11:00 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		Hi Pam, I thought once upon a time that I'd find a certain set of qualities or traits within the BDSM community. It didn't happen that way. i was projecting what was true about myself or what was important to me onto others. I've found that whenever I find what seems to be a commonality amongst WIITWD someone will come along and disprove it.

Taking any subject and trying to find common ground is an exercise in futility.Ultimately AnimusRex is right, the only thing in common within a common interest is the interest itself...

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