Blacklisting. (Full Version)

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MissAsylum -> Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 2:25:44 PM)

long story short, I've been blacklisted in my local community because somebody got butthurt about me refusing to dominate them over the phone. What can i do to prevent this from spreading further, or should I just trust that this will die down on its own?



LaTigresse -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 2:29:54 PM)

I would completely ignore it.

If someone asks about it.......I would laugh and make a dismissive comment similar to " Oh thaaaaat loser! Upset because I wouldn't service him by talking dirty to him over the phone....tsk tsk....not my problem!"



KyttynTheMynx -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 2:32:26 PM)

Ignore it. Those who know you, know that the blacklisting is for a stupid reason. And if they are true friends, they wont let it pass any further than it already has. Besides, in a while, some other person will be in the Naughty Corner because they wouldnt do ABC with XYZ person, and people will be go back to either not knowing you, or not caring that someone had a shit fit because you wouldnt play by their rules.



poise -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 2:33:49 PM)

You could always leave that mess behind you and move to Colorado....Im sure someone will find room for you[:)]



BoiJen -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 2:34:22 PM)

Blacklisted how?

Like, you're not being invited to parties or like someone is just saying what a nasty bitch you are cuz he didn't get his way? Is it messing with your business?

Each of these situations I would handle differently, that's why I'm asking.

boi



mstrjx -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 2:45:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

Blacklisted how?

Like, you're not being invited to parties or like someone is just saying what a nasty bitch you are cuz he didn't get his way? Is it messing with your business?

Each of these situations I would handle differently, that's why I'm asking.

boi


This could read snarky, if it weren't really the case.

I think we all know that reputation 'can' be a make-or-break deterrent to ever finding partners, or clients, or whatever you need. It all depends on how much you value or 'need' community support.

So, depending on the issues that BoiJen posed, moving might be a considerable option.

At least it's not you would have to register as a sex offender if you did have to move. (Hello, people, I just want everyone to know I was blacklisted in Atlanta, but it was all a mistake, really.)

Jeff



MissAsylum -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 2:45:20 PM)

parties and gatherings i'm no longer being invited to. i didnt notice since i'm back to a full course load at school, but it got back to a client of mine who told me after we had played.



DarkSteven -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 2:52:03 PM)

Anyone who would blacklist you for that couldn't possibly have that much sway in the local community. Stay active and hold your head high.

And try to figure out how you attract losers.




MissAsylum -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 3:07:15 PM)

well i don't consider you a loser stevie. lol. but anyway, i don't engage them anymore. they typically don't go around talking crap to others.



Focus50 -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 3:14:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

long story short, I've been blacklisted in my local community because somebody got butthurt about me refusing to dominate them over the phone. What can i do to prevent this from spreading further, or should I just trust that this will die down on its own?


Maybe this is another reason why I tend to stay away from the "organised" community.... Easy for me to say, but I'd regard a blacklist as being a badge of honour...! lol

Chances are, if someone got blacklisted by the general community they'd likely become someone of new found interest to me. It's the stubbornness.... Others can put out warnings about someone but in the end, I'll decide who I wanna socialise with, not the greater mob.

I also think if blacklists were heeded, it becomes a means of empowering bruised or rejected ego's; of enabling corrupted power to flourish. That's definitely not a community I'd embrace.

I say be yourself and let others judge you on that. Trying to appease a group over the spurned actions of one individual will lose you respect for being an arse-kisser. Keep it simple - just shrug it off as him being pissed 'cause you wouldn't do what he wanted...!

Focus.



BoiJen -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 3:35:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

parties and gatherings i'm no longer being invited to. i didnt notice since i'm back to a full course load at school, but it got back to a client of mine who told me after we had played.


I would approach the gathering and party organizers privately and ask them if the invitations have been an oversight. If they get funny about it, I would ask them what concerns they have and tell them that you are genuinely interested in addressing any issue that has come up. Ask for feedback on what they need to feel safe having you at a party. Give them information, but only if they ask for it. Show them you're able to be trusted with the conversation you have with them by being discreet about the details of interaction between you and blacklist originator.

Finally, don't get your hope up about being invited back. Sometimes the bitchiness just isn't going to go away because people like dramatic shit because it's "exciting". Be willing and able to drop the party, person, or situation that's being a pain in your butt.

boi



MissAsylum -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 3:52:38 PM)

thanks for the advice. will do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

parties and gatherings i'm no longer being invited to. i didnt notice since i'm back to a full course load at school, but it got back to a client of mine who told me after we had played.


I would approach the gathering and party organizers privately and ask them if the invitations have been an oversight. If they get funny about it, I would ask them what concerns they have and tell them that you are genuinely interested in addressing any issue that has come up. Ask for feedback on what they need to feel safe having you at a party. Give them information, but only if they ask for it. Show them you're able to be trusted with the conversation you have with them by being discreet about the details of interaction between you and blacklist originator.

Finally, don't get your hope up about being invited back. Sometimes the bitchiness just isn't going to go away because people like dramatic shit because it's "exciting". Be willing and able to drop the party, person, or situation that's being a pain in your butt.

boi




littlewonder -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 3:58:44 PM)

I'd just shrug it off and go about my life.

Then again I'm not one who ever cares if she gets invited to stuff or not.



DesFIP -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 6:44:15 PM)

I would suggest ignoring it for now. You're busy with school anyway. Wait until you have some free time, (the holidays maybe?), and then contact one of the group leaders. Apologize for not being in contact with anyone due to school, and say you would love to ease back into seeing people and does he know of anything coming up. At that point months will have passed and he probably won't be all upset about you as he is right now. He might well by then have realized the blacklister isn't someone he trusts.



OsideGirl -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 7:10:08 PM)

Honestly, my experience says that it won't take long for the community to figure out that he's an asshat. When you refused him, he moved onto someone else. The next person that refuses him will get the same response from him. Pretty soon it will come down to the "If you meet 10 people and you think they're all assholes....you're the asshole" realization.

My advice would be to take the high road and if someone asks, tell the truth but don't bash.



DommeJennice -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 7:26:17 PM)

From my past experience in life both online and offline, people can be very cruel.  You have to consider if you want to go back being with a friend who has blacklisted you for somthing simply because you did not want to do..You will probably look back at this and say to yoursel f, this was the best thing that could happen; however, I would keep an open eye on this indivual.  He/she could try to harrass or slander you in different ways. 
Besides, you cannot please everyone.  If your community is listening to him, then there are better communities out there.

Best Wishes,

DommeJennice



LadyPact -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 7:43:13 PM)

I'm a little confused on exactly why you were blacklisted.  In many cases, BDSM groups have bylaws, and usually, someone who is in good standing as a vetted member of the group isn't just bounced out of it on one person's word against another.  There should have been some research done on the part of the organizers that works the truth out, rather than a he said/she said scenario.

I would contact the organizers/board members of the group.  As was mentioned, it may just be an oversight on someone's part and your name got lost from the email list.  Make a polite inquiry, including a follow up asking for details if necessary.  Ask to meet with the folks if you can't get an informative answer through email.

I've only had to deal with removing one person from a local group.  They were added to our group through a reciprocal policy with another group.  It turns out that this person had attempted to out someone in his original group and we were able to verify what had happened.  It's usually only major stuff that can get someone kicked from a group.  The normal back and forth between members generally isn't enough to get someone bounced.



Jeff, if you honestly got blacklisted in Atlanta, write Me on the other side.  I may be able to put in a good word.



BoiJen -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 8:24:46 PM)

Here's the thing about "ignore it" as advice in an actual, physical community. Not saying something, not getting involved and maintaining involvement during such situations is the same as an admission of guilt. Period. There's no way around it. The idea is that the only reason an individual would not address this type of issue when it comes up (defend themselves) is because they were in the wrong. Whether this line of thinking is "right" or not, its a fact of how the majority of any given community will look at it.

Keep your cool. Don't bash the douchebag for his actions, if asked simply state what happened in a matter of fact, least emotionally tied to the situation as possible. This will help you establish your reputation with community leaders and group organizers. If handled right, this type of situation can be like fixing a problem politically...if you can fix a problem swiftly and neatly, those observing and participating in the situation will look upon you with greater respect than if there was never a problem in the first place.

boi



MissAsylum -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 8:32:31 PM)

LP- i am not 100% why i was blacklisted. i don't do that he say/she say thing- too messy and too childish. its just odd when my client brought up an instance that wasn't important enough to register to my immediate memory, that i'd feel the need to tell others about it. so i'll be investigating what is going on a.s.a.p



gungadin09 -> RE: Blacklisting. (9/9/2010 8:57:16 PM)

i think that would bug me too. Deep down, i'm a little paranoid about what people think of me. But, really, who cares? If they are THAT stupid, why court their good opinion? If they have any sense, it will blow over. If not, then You're better off without them.

Hopefully, that did not sound smug.

pam



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