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question for masters only - 9/11/2010 11:04:29 PM   
nursedrugthem


Posts: 8
Joined: 9/10/2010
Status: offline 		What would you do if you were in a relationship with a female slave that you are in love with and down the road she decided she doesn't wan tto be a slave anymore. Would you stay in the relationship cause you love her or would you just let her go???
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RE: question for masters only - 9/12/2010 12:21:41 AM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nursedrugthem

What would you do if you were in a relationship with a female slave that you are in love with and down the road she decided she doesn't wan tto be a slave anymore. Would you stay in the relationship cause you love her or would you just let her go???


I am not male, but am answering as an Owner. People grow and they change, over time. But ultimately I do need a slave. If it were no longer fulfilling for my slaveboy to be my slave, I would help him move on. I would help ensure a smooth transition, so that he would be best able to go find whatever his new needs/desires dictated, but still keep a closeness with me over time that would suit us both. In short I'd let him go as my slaveboy but keep him as my dear friend.

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(in reply to nursedrugthem)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/12/2010 5:00:37 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Assuming the (former) slave still wants to stay in the relationship, herself?

There's no easy answer when the "love" card is in play. I'd be profoundly disappointed, maybe even feel duped or betrayed. I hate hypotheticals.... I don't think the "love card" would let me kick her out but I don't see the relationship growing from here. And anything that isn't growing is dying, IMO.

I'd forsee (hypothetically) a slow and painful relationship death.

Conversely, if the former slave I was in love with wanted to leave the relationship altogether, then my stubborn streak would point to the door and I'd get over it....

Focus.

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RE: question for masters only - 9/12/2010 5:38:59 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I would let go.  While it may be true that the other person no longer wishes to be a slave, it's not going to change the fact that I'm still going to want a life as a Dominant.  If I couldn't achieve that by poly or some other means, I would be more likely to pursue what I do want and allow the other person to be the same.

I'm very much of the mind that people who have started a relationship together have a right to expect their partner to fulfill the role they have taken from the beginning.  For example, in My marriage to My husband, we started in an equal relationship and monogamous.  We became poly later and My M/s dynamic is not with him.  We have an agreement between us that, if additional people in My life isn't what is best for us, we will go back to being monogamous.  That is what we promised each other we would be, and if it comes down to it, that is the responsibility that I promised to fulfill.  I feel the very same way when the kink or power dynamic is reversed. 

It's a lot to ask someone to suddenly accept a kinky or a vanilla life if that is not what they wanted from the beginning.  It's asking a person to no longer be who they are.  Everyone has the right to live as they wish and not be forced to try to live a way that they are not.


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(in reply to Focus50)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/12/2010 6:44:24 AM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		1) I do not act as master to everyone I love. I would keep a relationship with the ex-slave, but I would cease to dominate her.

2) I would see if the slave is willing to have a romantic vanilla relationship with me while I continue to have a BDSM relationship with other people.

3) I would also prepare myself for discovering that the slave does in fact still want to be a slave, just not with me. I know of at least one relationship where a sub told his master he didn't want to sub anymore when he really meant he didn't want to sub to her. Subs are not known for social courage (Although most have little fear of physical pain)


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RE: question for masters only - 9/12/2010 3:05:24 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Only you can answer this. But I would address what you have done that has made her find herself unfulfilled in being your slave. Because I doubt she would have changed overnight. Her needs must have been ignored for a while, or she must feel unheard, unvalued etc to need to take back control.

Time for some serious conversation, with you manning up and admitting to mistakes and being willing to address your faults if you want her to stay in either capacity. Mastery does not entitle you to being an abusive idiot, fyi. Which unfortunately we see too often in too many profiles.


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(in reply to StrongSpirit)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/12/2010 3:08:57 PM   
whiteslavebitch


Posts: 479
Joined: 9/10/2007
Status: offline 		I know that MasterK has broken off at least one M/s relationship when the woman decided she didn't want to be a slave anymore.

< Message edited by whiteslavebitch -- 9/12/2010 3:11:23 PM >

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(in reply to nursedrugthem)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/12/2010 6:19:45 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nursedrugthem
What would you do if you were in a relationship with a female slave that you are in love with and down the road she decided she doesn't wan tto be a slave anymore. Would you stay in the relationship cause you love her or would you just let her go???
For me, love trumps dominance. The way I see it, I can get whatever domly urges I have out anywhere.... go boss around some employees or whatnot. A healthy, loving relationship on the other hand, is a lot harder to come by.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to nursedrugthem)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 7:34:16 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: nursedrugthem
What would you do if you were in a relationship with a female slave that you are in love with and down the road she decided she doesn't wan tto be a slave anymore. Would you stay in the relationship cause you love her or would you just let her go???
For me, love trumps dominance. The way I see it, I can get whatever domly urges I have out anywhere.... go boss around some employees or whatnot. A healthy, loving relationship on the other hand, is a lot harder to come by.


I wouldn't want a man that answered any other way. To me, it is about the relationship, not the role. If I felt the entire relationship hinged on my not changing, remaining in a static role, I wouldn't be interested in it. I think it sets the stage for relationship failure to do so.




_____________________________

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Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 9:02:15 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nursedrugthem

What would you do if you were in a relationship with a female slave that you are in love with and down the road she decided she doesn't wan tto be a slave anymore. Would you stay in the relationship cause you love her or would you just let her go???


I think it's going to be complex. Regardless of what she wants, I am always going to be dominant. If we are in a relationship, no matter what the labels are, I am still going to be running things.

I wouldn't want to end the relationship but the reality is that, it would likely become quite strained. So to me, there really isn't any easy answer. The love wouldn't stop but neither would my nature.


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(in reply to nursedrugthem)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 9:31:35 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm curious as to what he's been demanding she do that she found so upsetting she needs to do this to protect herself in the future. Because if she was wildly happy as his slave, she wouldn't be doing this. I'm betting she's told him repeatedly and he ignored it, that he is sowing what he reaped.

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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 9:36:59 AM   
Zevar


Posts: 801
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nursedrugthem

What would you do if you were in a relationship with a female slave that you are in love with and down the road she decided she doesn't wan tto be a slave anymore. Would you stay in the relationship cause you love her or would you just let her go???


In any relationship the right action IMO to take when someone in uninterested in the agreements within the relationship is to let them go. To do anything else would simply bring about unwanted grief for all involved.

Take Care!

(in reply to nursedrugthem)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 9:55:17 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: nursedrugthem
What would you do if you were in a relationship with a female slave that you are in love with and down the road she decided she doesn't wan tto be a slave anymore. Would you stay in the relationship cause you love her or would you just let her go???
For me, love trumps dominance. The way I see it, I can get whatever domly urges I have out anywhere.... go boss around some employees or whatnot. A healthy, loving relationship on the other hand, is a lot harder to come by.


Agreed. Also, she may just be going through a phase and if you show her you love her, then it might all come back why she wanted to be a slave in the first place. Maybe you pissed her off and she is holding back now.

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 9:58:11 AM   
Acer49


Posts: 1434
Joined: 8/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: nursedrugthem

What would you do if you were in a relationship with a female slave that you are in love with and down the road she decided she doesn't wan tto be a slave anymore. Would you stay in the relationship cause you love her or would you just let her go???


If I was the only one in love, I would terminate the M/s aspect of the relationship and move on, hoping that the relationship would continue as good friends. If however, the love was mutual. I honestly do not know. I have always intertwined the M/s with the vanilla aspects of life and made it work. I am not a part-time player nor is this a role that I choose to turn on and off. I am not one that desires multiple partners.

People grow and they change, or at least many do. What they feel they need now and what they need in five years may be entirely different. To state that the reason for this change is because of another person's supposed shorting comings is making assumptions without any facts to support that conclusion. Dominants can help their partners in many ways, but I do not believe they can instill need. That has to come from within the sub or slave.


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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

(in reply to nursedrugthem)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 10:06:13 AM   
VampiresLair


Posts: 1307
Joined: 9/3/2008
Status: offline 		My question would be why did she come to this decision, and how long was the relationship and had she been a slave before this decision was reached?
If she was new when you got involved, she may have simply found that slavery doesnt work for her. It is a common newcomer quandry. All the fantasy did not prepare her for the realities of it and she doesnt want to live that way anymore. Is it possible that you have done something (intentionally or unintentionally) that has made being a slave uninviting for her?

There is also a possibility that her declaration is a test. She may be looking to see what is more important to you, your love of her or your love of her role. She may decide she is happy to be a slave again if she learns you love HER not just what she is. She needs to see what is more important.

Without knowing the what and why of her decision there is no way to determine what I would do. If Fox suddenly decided he was no longer going to be a slave I would not want out of the relationship, but I would certainly need to know what changed after this many years that made him want something different. That is not something you just wake up and decide to change. However, when Angel decided he no longer wanted to be a slave, I just shrugged and said OK and we stayed friends, he just stopped submitting and found himself a submissive partner. Your relationship with her, what changed and why, and whether or not it can be brought back to the way it was and chance her mind again are all factors in how things should be handled.

DV


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(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 10:24:52 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Agreed. Also, she may just be going through a phase and if you show her you love her, then it might all come back why she wanted to be a slave in the first place. Maybe you pissed her off and she is holding back now.


There are all sorts of life changes that could cause one partner to want to take a break from power exchange that have nothing to do with what the D person has or hasn't done...

Illness
Death of a loved one - unresolved grief
Work pressures
Problems with ones children

At times life demands an S type take the reigns of their life without whats can feel like the added pressure of answering to someone else for it.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 2:38:34 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
At times life demands an S type take the reigns of their life without whats can feel like the added pressure of answering to someone else for it.
Totally agreed and Carol and I ran into this. In our case, "showing love" meant demonstrating that she was more important to me than the collar around her neck. Several times during our "high stress" period, I let the leash out almost to the point of non-existence. Once, I released her with the full intent of stopping M/s in our marriage permanently.

How's that old line go... "If you love something, set if free. If it comes back to you then it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was."

This strategy, of course, would work poorly for all those subs/slaves that need to be "mastered". They would immediately see such a response as weakness and leave the relationship entirely (just noting that there are also other ways of looking at this question). For us though, I'd bet that the precise reason she IS my slave to start with is that I don't need a slave. I need HER.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 9/13/2010 2:39:51 PM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 3:17:28 PM   
peacefulplace


Posts: 157
Joined: 8/22/2010
Status: offline 		I know that your question was "for masters only," but your issue seemed similar for Doms and subs. I was 33 years old before I ever had a D/s relationship. So I've had vanilla relationships, one of which was serious. But, having had the experience of really submitting to my partner, if my Dom decided that he didn't wish to "Dom" me anymore, well...I would have a hard time going back. As LadyT wrote, the relationship between her and someone she could no longer dominate would be strained if that person ceased to submit because of her urge to dominate, just as the relationship between my Dom and me would be strained because my urge to submit in a relationship is so strong. As many posters mentioned, love most definitely comes first; I'd try to work it out. But the urge to be submissive to my partner will never go away now that I've found my way to the Promised Land of Submission. I don't want to say I'd walk, having never been in that position, but it would be very, very difficult to work through the issues of wanting to be dominated by someone who doesn't want to dominate.

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~~Barbara Jordan

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/13/2010 4:50:16 PM   
DaddyDeviance


Posts: 9
Joined: 11/1/2009
Status: offline 		I'd definitely have to say that unfortunately it would be the beginning of the end. I've tried love without my partner's submission. It simply did not work. Very nice girl, successful, fit, wealthy, LOTS of sahred interests, loving, beautiful, etc, etc...STRONG love between us...but...She was a 'nilla with no desire to explore BDSM...things were pretty well doomed from the start. Love can carry you so far, but if you really need BDSM in a relationship there will always be the true you underneath, pining to get out. Not very honest; being someone you're not; quite unfair that your partner would expect you to be someone you're not. Somewhat rather dangerous to the integrity of your relationship, should a lovely subbie come into your life. My last 'nilla relationship was exactly that...my last. If you truly feel dominance is a part of the real you, I would not recommend trying to "convert" to being in a vanilla relationship.

(in reply to nursedrugthem)
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RE: question for masters only - 9/14/2010 3:19:18 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I don't completely understand the question.  Does she want to transition from being a slave to a sub, or to have a completely vanilla relationship?

If the former, I'd probably work with her to get there.  If the latter, I'd try to stay friends but I can't see it working unless we were to go poly.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to DaddyDeviance)
Profile   Post #: 20
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