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To be a better submissive - 9/12/2010 11:13:43 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

I was recently collared by my beautiful Ebony Domme,Moriah,alittle while ago.I do care about her alot.I respect her as well very much.While I do have some experience being collared,I am trying my best to be a better sub for her.I am not perfect and without a lenghty resume of being collared,I am learning as I go.I do find that learning through my submission,I am also learning to be a better person in general.I think true submission is something I can learn from to benefit my life in other area's.Of course,the most important thing is that I want Miss Moriah to be proud to have me as her submissive.While I guess you could say that she has had experience as a "Pro-Domme",I am the first true submissive that she has "collared" in real life.For me,that mean's putting her first and to alway's show her proper resepct.

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

Post #: 1

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/13/2010 9:06:32 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

So as not to involve Myself with the hijack and obvious trolling to derail the thread, I'm a little confused about your question, OP. Are you looking at ways you can improve your submission, your service, or what area are you trying to improve upon? If you can pinpoint that down for Me, I'd be more than happy to try to assist.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to BreathandStone)

Post #: 2

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/13/2010 9:14:35 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

What LP said.

My reading of your post is: This is a first collaring for BOTH of you, and you want to deepen the relationship so it is worthwhile for both of you. Is that right?

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 3

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/13/2010 9:25:41 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

In order for you to know what to do for her to be proud of you as her partner, then you need to ask her. But in general, you need to pay attention. If she drinks a strange herbal tea, then make sure there's some of it in the car so she has a teabag of the preferred kind when you stop for lunch. Really, it's the little things that matter because there are so many of them. You might find it helpful to write her preferences down as a memory aid in the beginning.

Also remember not to expect her to be perfect. You're her first lifestyle sub and that entails a learning experience for her too. Keep the communication lines open.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 4

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/13/2010 10:04:46 AM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Charles6682,

About the following: "I am the first true submissive that she has collared in real life; for me, that means putting her first and always showing her proper respect."

This is the kind of BDSM mantra that sounds great but that requires significant expansion and adjustment for real life. There is no such thing as a true submissive or, for that matter, a true dominant. There is just you and your domme who are unique people with unique needs and desires. Respect goes both ways (from your domme to you and from you to your domme) and is internal to your being too - it's essential to respect yourself and sometimes this means putting your own needs first and communicating this in an appropriate way to your dominant. Telling your dominant "I need such-and-such and that's the way it's going to be" isn't a great approach. However, communicating in a respectful way is appropriate and fundamental to the dynamics you have as dominant and submissive. Your domme cannot make effective decisions if she doesn't have the information she needs in order to make them. So, for example, if going for a run every day is important for your equilibrium, you might say something like "Miss, I run every day so as to keep my body and mind balanced... is there a way you can work this into our schedule?" Now you're giving your domme the tools to look after both of you. Having a submissive who is so stressed as to be non functional is useless. With the right information (however), your domme can make decisions that benefit and enable you both.

Communication is a critical aspect of any relationship and this is no different in BDSM relationships. Like respect, communication is a two-way street. You're not a mind reader so it's important that your domme communicates her needs and desires, and the things she'd like you to do and/or to share with you. Communication is a great starting point in building dynamics and trust in a BDSM relationship. It sounds all hot and kinky to have a scenario such that the dominant kidnaps the submissive, tying the submissive up for a flogging and putting the submissive in a cage for cooldown. This doesn't work so well though when the submissive has triggers from actually being kidnapped and is claustrophobic. Thus, what is wonderful play for some is a nightmare for others. That's why communication is so important. Ditto for vanilla interactions. Some dominants enjoy service in the morning (such as being served breakfast in bed) whereas others may want solo time alone to collect their thoughts for the day. There are no "one size fits all" rules so it's essential to find out what your partner needs and would like from you.

As a starting point to becoming a great submissive for your domme, I encourage you to communicate as is respectful and appropriate so as to find out your partner's thoughts and to share your own. There's no whips and chains here and that's just fine. Kinky play/sex is a very, very small aspect of successful, long-term, BDSM relationships. Of course, we like talking about play/sex on forums like Collar Me, but it's important to recognize that in addition to these desires the two of you are still human beings with the unique needs, unique wants, and unique eccentricities humans typically have. Cherish your domme as a woman and as a human being first (showing her the same kindnesses, courtesy, and respect you would give any partner), and let the kinky stuff organically fit into place over time as feels comfortable for both of you. That's my second piece of advice for becoming a great submissive for your domme.

Congratulations to you and your domme, :-)

Elan.

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 5

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/13/2010 10:13:12 AM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

DesFIP,

quote:

Also remember not to expect her to be perfect. You're her first lifestyle sub and that entails a learning experience for her too. Keep the communication lines open.

I read your entire post, but decided to quote this bit. This is really good advice. The OP may or may not be this domme's first, lifestyle submissive, but that doesn't really matter. *People* make mistakes and learn together. There is no such thing as a perfect domme or a perfect submissive, and, even with all the best intentions, each side will make mistakes. I think it's important to acknowledge this and to allow for positive, constructive review and feedback in BDSM relationships (and in all relationships in general).

Elan.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/13/2010 5:56:22 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

BreathandStone,

quote:

If our relationships don't make us strive to improve, to better ourselves, to realize our potential, then on some level they aren't worth engaging in.

I meant to comment on this earlier. Bravo for this insight. It's absolutely brilliant. I've added this to the list of quotations I keep.

Elan.

(in reply to BreathandStone)

Post #: 7

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/13/2010 7:13:53 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Charles6682,

Sorry about joining the off-topic portion of the thread. Still, some of the feedback gives good examples of what not to project onto your partner. Treat your domme with grace, courtesy, and kindness, and you're likely to get the same in return. If the two of you can't communicate respectfully and in a way that addresses both your needs, that's a sign that something isn't working.

Elan.

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 8

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/13/2010 10:05:13 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

Well,Nick has certainly showed a very good example of what I can expect to avoid.My overall question is basically that since I am still new to being truly collared,how to appoarch this unique relationship in a productive manner.I am very practical and don't want to mix up fantasy with reality.Meaning,I realize there is a difference bewteen thinking about being collared and actually being collared in real life.I will say,that my Domme does respect me and I respect her even more for that.I don't think she is looking for a mindless robot.I can't imagine that she would want me to be clinging and alway's a "Yes Ma'am" stooge.I do realize open communcation is key as in any type of relationship.

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 9

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/14/2010 1:18:16 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

My overall question is basically that since I am still new to being truly collared,how to appoarch this unique relationship in a productive manner.

Ok, this is going to sound trite, but the best answer to your question is to ask *her*. I bet there are 1001 things I could tell you to do that I'd adore, which she would turn out to absolutely hate. Ask her how you can make things easier for her, how you can make her laugh. If something's bugging you, *talk* to her (in a polite, amiable way-don't channel Nick here

)-don't suffer whatever it is in silence, because that isn't part of a healthy relationship.

And as for the hijack: I'm finding this absolutely hilarious, because on Sunday I went for a picnic with a couple of kink friends. One of them has an actual physical list that he's written out, of 100 kinky things he wants to try. Now I reckon I've spent about fifteen hours with him since he wrote it, and I only know what three of the things are. That's classy.

I'm one of several people who really want my share of ticks on that list. I have no doubt that he'll have covered the lot in the next two years. I doubt little Nicky over there will cover much at all. That's the difference attitude makes.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 10

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/14/2010 2:55:45 AM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

*Walks in uninvited into the Mistress forum with no useful reply whatsoever for the OP, yet again.*

I have to say I love the fact that VC is now giving great advice to Charles6682 after this epic thread "Financial Domme's?Yea right". This might prove that a change in attitude makes all the difference.

Oh, and I might not identify as submissive, but this is really sweet regardless:

quote:

I bet there are 1001 things I could tell you to do that I'd adore, which she would turn out to absolutely hate. Ask her how you can make things easier for her, how you can make her laugh. If something's bugging you, *talk* to her (in a polite, amiable way-don't channel Nick here )-don't suffer whatever it is in silence, because that isn't part of a healthy relationship.

P.S. Nick, while it may be true the majority of the interest on online dating sites is directed towards a small group of users, it goes both ways...

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 11

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/14/2010 3:07:23 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

This might prove that a change in attitude makes all the difference.

Well duh-ask a serious question, get a serious answer. This is a serious question-the OP's kinda sweet

And Nick: a regular poster *did* set up an average male profile a while ago. I seem to remember she got responses to every single mail she sent out-or at least the very great majority.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Post #: 12

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/14/2010 10:21:50 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Charles6682

Well,Nick has certainly showed a very good example of what I can expect to avoid.My overall question is basically that since I am still new to being truly collared,how to appoarch this unique relationship in a productive manner.I am very practical and don't want to mix up fantasy with reality.Meaning,I realize there is a difference bewteen thinking about being collared and actually being collared in real life.I will say,that my Domme does respect me and I respect her even more for that.I don't think she is looking for a mindless robot.I can't imagine that she would want me to be clinging and alway's a "Yes Ma'am" stooge.I do realize open communcation is key as in any type of relationship.

To add to what VC said, you've actually got the wording right in your clarification. That word, to be precise, is "unique". It's not going to be exactly what you've seen or things that you've read about. It's going to be the dynamic that the two of you build.

We constantly sing to the choir of communication. In a case like this, it's perfectly true. Remember that part of effective communication is listening. Not just the big things, but the little things, too. The same stuff that is important in vanilla relationships work in the D/s ones.

A lot of things, you may just have to ask about. What kind of protocol does she expect? How does she want you to display service? Are there areas that she wants to explore in play? Nobody can really answer those questions but her. My way of doing things might be the exact opposite of what she wants, and since I'm not the one running the dynamic, I don't get a vote.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 13

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/14/2010 10:04:43 PM

Charles6682

Posts: 1820
Joined: 10/1/2007
From: Saint Pete,FL
Status: offline

Twoshoe's,I realized complaining isn't really going to get anyone anywhere.I also know common respect for anyone is what it should be about in general.I think being biased against anyone,regargless of gender or etc.,is pointless.Nick,you do seem to be biased against dominant women in general,really for no reason.Judge each person on their merit's first,then make a judgement call.Jumping to conclusion's because you already have assumption's about someone will certainly never get you far in any relationship you seek,including basic friendship's.

_____________________________

Charley aka Sub Guy

http://www.Facebook.com/SubGuy

https://Twitter.com/SubGuy6682

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/14/2010 10:16:19 PM

VideoAdminRho

Posts: 2055
Joined: 3/24/2010
Status: offline

OK folks, the hijack posts and responses to them have been removed from this thread. Please stay on topic from here on out.
For anyone wishing to continue the conversation that we had to remove, there is a thread in P&R that would be an appropriate place to do so.

(in reply to Charles6682)

Post #: 15

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/15/2010 5:12:14 AM

DeusEx1

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/22/2010
Status: offline

You want to deepen the relationship for you both? The solution is simple: Make more money! You could work hard, better your skills, become a better human being, yada.. yada.. yada... Yawn. However, at the end of the day the best thing for any dominant in this lifestyle to have from her submissive is deeper pockets and a larger bank account. Wait and see. Oh and for the naysayers out there who will rip this posting of mine to threads, how are your relationships working out so well that you can afford to spend oh so much time on here posting? Hmm? Oh wait! What relationships?? lol Think about that OP. Why take advice from people who have been unsuccessful in their search and have been on here all day long, every single day since the foundation of this website? Obviously they know what they are talking about, right?

(in reply to VideoAdminRho)

Post #: 16

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/15/2010 7:26:52 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Let Me look six feet over to My right and tell My husband that, shoot honey, we're just not working out. LOL.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DeusEx1)

Post #: 17

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/15/2010 7:39:23 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DeusEx1

You want to deepen the relationship for you both? The solution is simple: Make more money! You could work hard, better your skills, become a better human being, yada.. yada.. yada... Yawn. However, at the end of the day the best thing for any dominant in this lifestyle to have from her submissive is deeper pockets and a larger bank account. Wait and see. Oh and for the naysayers out there who will rip this posting of mine to threads, how are your relationships working out so well that you can afford to spend oh so much time on here posting? Hmm? Oh wait! What relationships?? lol Think about that OP. Why take advice from people who have been unsuccessful in their search and have been on here all day long, every single day since the foundation of this website? Obviously they know what they are talking about, right?

Okay, this is just damn silly. My relationship with my Lady is so good primarily because I don't make more money than she does. I own my own storefront business. I open at 11 each day, and thereby I have time in the morning to get up with her and make her tea, do her hair when she gets out of the shower, make her breakfast and lunch, put her shoes on, and see her out the door. I have time to care for our home more and our dog more, and yes, even post here on CM. I make dinner in the evenings and have time and energy to devote to our lives. Don't get me wrong, I work hard in my job too, but it is not the sort of work that is ever going to give me a big bank account.

What it gives me is -time- to devote to us.

I have an opportunity to take a job that would make me 6-figures right now. Taking that would remove all those things that make our lives and our D/s dynamic work and put significant strain on our relationship. More money in the bank would mean that I would be gone from 6 to 6 each day with almost NO time, and much less energy to devote to our lives and our very special dynamic.

Not where we want to go.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to DeusEx1)

Post #: 18

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/15/2010 9:39:04 AM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Everyone,

--- DeusEx1

VideoAdminRho gently mod-spanked us for feeding the previous troll. I suggest we keep the spanking between ourselves (not meaning to exclude you from the fun Rho :-) and ignore this new troll.

E.

(in reply to DeusEx1)

Post #: 19

RE: To be a better submissive - 9/15/2010 9:58:41 AM

OttersSwim

Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline

Elan, I agree that feeding a troll does not serve, however...inadvertently I believe that his post helps point out something about being a better submissive - the point that relationships are dynamic and just bringing money to a relationship is not always the "right" answer.

_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 20

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