Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally?

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Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 4:47:36 PM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Forgive me if there is a similiar post but I couldn't find it in the short time i can be online. So here's the backstory, in consideration with a Dom that seems to be a good fit. He's given me some assignments which I have accepted but it feels like i am falling in like/love and risking so much more than he is. One assignment is to masturbate twice daily without cumming, as I said I accepted it but inevitably i think about him at least twice a day...sometimes more. So I feel like there is this one sided relationship because when i do as i am told, when i think about him it creates feelings in me so i feel like i am more "in" the relationship. I feel like i am risking more. I know i have a problem with moving too fast which i am working my ass off to NOT do but is it common for a sub/slave to be more emotionally involved? What I am i missing?
I am not ready to discuss this with him because i can't tell if it's my own f'ed up fliter of the world or i am too willing to fall in whatever. dont want to seem like a stalking psycho begging him to talk to me more, asking if and how often he thinks of me. But i do feel crazy and lost.
Oh yes while i have played in the lifestyle for years this is only my second relationship that is geared towards a serious LTR.
I'd love any advice.
Thanks!

Post #: 1

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:22:37 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~

My advice? If it feels like you are risking more/are in the relationship than he is, you probably are. If I understand you correctly, you are not his yet. You haven't met him, he hasn't collared you, etc. So neither of you owes each other anything.

Which, to me, makes it likely that A) he isn't as willing to commit as you are or B) you are so eager for this power dynamic that you jumping into it more quickly than he is. Since I don't know you two, I wouldn't guess which one it is and it could be something else entirely.

What I would do is, after your read some responses to this thread because I do approve of getting feedback from others, is talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling and ask him how he feels about you.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 2

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:32:07 PM

JustifiedAncient

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/15/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I know i have a problem with moving too fast which i am working my ass off to NOT do but is it common for a sub/slave to be more emotionally involved? What I am i missing?

It's certainly not common for them to have angst bombs exploding in their head to this degree this early. You're concerned you're "falling in love" with a man you only describe as someone who "seems like a good fit."

I say this out of love and compassion: I smell something crazy in that relationship, and I'm pretty sure it's you. You have two choices at this point. You can work your ass off to keep things in perspective, to treat this relationship the way a sane person would treat it (as something that has potential but nothing to start flying off the hinges about yet); or you can just get out now before your crazy craziness explodes all over everything and stains the drapes. One way or another, you need to sort yourself out. The only question is whether you can do it in the context of this relationship or whether you need to spend some time alone with yourself.

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 3

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:34:57 PM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Have met a few times but no not his yet. I was thinking some of the same things and yes i want this so much i make poor decisions

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 4

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:36:39 PM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Harsh but not necessarily untrue

(in reply to JustifiedAncient)

Post #: 5

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:38:11 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needs2beused

Have met a few times but no not his yet. I was thinking some of the same things and yes i want this so much i make poor decisions

Try to calm down.

I know it's hard but, no matter what happens with this relationship there will be others. Is this something that is very new to you? It's not uncommon for a few submissive to go through what is affectionately known as "sub frenzy".

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 6

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:38:28 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Do you want to do these "assignments" for him?

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 7

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:39:19 PM

JustifiedAncient

Posts: 14
Joined: 9/15/2010
Status: offline

quote:

Harsh but not necessarily untrue

We're all a little psycho sometimes. The key is being able to minimize the damage we do when we're in one of the periods where we're going all crazy-cakes.

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 8

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:40:39 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I have no idea what "subs" or "slaves" or "doms" or "masters" do. I know that I personally feel like love is one of those "go large or go home" sorts of things. When I commit, it's all the way. In large part, that's why Carol and I like M/s over D/s.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 9

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 5:59:13 PM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Only to show that i am willing and happy to submit but no i don't like them

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

Do you want to do these "assignments" for him?

(in reply to marie2)

Post #: 10

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 6:08:43 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needs2beused

Forgive me if there is a similiar post but I couldn't find it in the short time i can be online. So here's the backstory, in consideration with a Dom that seems to be a good fit. He's given me some assignments which I have accepted but it feels like i am falling in like/love and risking so much more than he is. One assignment is to masturbate twice daily without cumming, as I said I accepted it but inevitably i think about him at least twice a day...sometimes more. So I feel like there is this one sided relationship because when i do as i am told, when i think about him it creates feelings in me so i feel like i am more "in" the relationship. I feel like i am risking more. I know i have a problem with moving too fast which i am working my ass off to NOT do but is it common for a sub/slave to be more emotionally involved? What I am i missing?
I am not ready to discuss this with him because i can't tell if it's my own f'ed up fliter of the world or i am too willing to fall in whatever. dont want to seem like a stalking psycho begging him to talk to me more, asking if and how often he thinks of me. But i do feel crazy and lost.
Oh yes while i have played in the lifestyle for years this is only my second relationship that is geared towards a serious LTR.
I'd love any advice.
Thanks!

Based on your screen name it sounds like you're getting what you need.

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 11

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 6:08:50 PM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Then why not tell him you're not comfortable with it yet? There is nothing wrong with wanting the relationship to evolve on both sides before you start submitting to things that you don't feel comfortable with. I think under the best circumstances it should feel right and natural.

Are you afraid of losing him by being honest with him?

quote:

ORIGINAL: needs2beused

Only to show that i am willing and happy to submit but no i don't like them

quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

Do you want to do these "assignments" for him?

< Message edited by marie2 -- 9/15/2010 6:09:16 PM >

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 12

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 6:15:15 PM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Based on your screen name it sounds like you're getting what you need.

Is there a way to change your screen name but keep all of the same profile info?

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 13

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 6:17:01 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Have you researched "sub frenzy" using the Search at the top right of this page yet? It is the seemingly unstoppable need to do it all NOW, to experience it all NOW. Many submissives lose their common sense while in frenzy as they feel that urgent need to be a submissive, NOW. They go too fast in giving themselves to another they have never met. They allow this stranger to take on a higher degree of control than the circumstances warrant.

Perhaps this is not you. Perhaps it is. Just saying you should read up on the phenomenon.

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 14

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 6:31:28 PM

needs2beused

Posts: 22
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline

Brillant, I will as you the 2nd or 3rd person to mention it. Thanks

quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Have you researched "sub frenzy" using the Search at the top right of this page yet? It is the seemingly unstoppable need to do it all NOW, to experience it all NOW. Many submissives lose their common sense while in frenzy as they feel that urgent need to be a submissive, NOW. They go too fast in giving themselves to another they have never met. They allow this stranger to take on a higher degree of control than the circumstances warrant.

Perhaps this is not you. Perhaps it is. Just saying you should read up on the phenomenon.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 15

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 7:07:54 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline

I think it's probably a little late to answer the question in the thread title, but I will anyway.

I do believe that S-types risk more emotionally. I think whether D- or M-types do 'obviously' depends something how 'calm and collected' they are. For instance, if I meet someone and she and I are interested and we play on a first meet (which has happened to me and probably many of you), I will be able to generate high emotion from someone just because of my experience, skill, demeanor. I might or might not 'have' that same level of emotion, but I might not necessarily be apt to show it during a play session. (Maybe afterward.) I would be using my 'bag 'o' tricks' to further her emotions.

Having said that, a responsible D/M-type should have already decided whether taking the S-type down that garden trail is in her best interest. If there is a real intent on a relationship, then that is fine. If it's all about short-term use, then that simply smacks (no pun intended) of abuse.

Powers should only be used for good, and not evil (again, no pun intended).

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 16

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 7:11:08 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If he's not emotionally invested in the relationship and you are, that's a red flag for me.

I need a relationship where he is just as emotionally invested as I am because I cannot open up and be vulnerable to someone who holds himself safe. You have to decide if you need that also or if you're okay with stuff being one sided.

More important, it is wrong to be in a relationship where you cannot be honest. So be honest. Tell him that you're having a problem following this assignment because you're spending so much time and energy focused on him when he's made it clear he isn't focused on you. And that you need to be as important to him as he is to you if this will work. And let him respond.

I'm also curious if you've met yet, because I can't tell from your post. If you aren't seeing each other as often as possible, then you know you're not important to him. Because if you did matter, he would be with you as much as he could. "Don't make someone else a priority who makes you an option" applies strongly here. You're settling for less than you need, and 'when you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for'.

If your best friend told you she was spending all her time dreaming about some guy who only called her when he wanted a booty call, what would you advise her? So take your own advice.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 17

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 7:43:03 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needs2beused

Based on your screen name it sounds like you're getting what you need.

Is there a way to change your screen name but keep all of the same profile info?

No, I'd just delete your old profile and make a new one, it doesn't take too long. Set up a gmail or hotmail or something if you don't have another email address

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 18

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 7:44:33 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: needs2beused

Based on your screen name it sounds like you're getting what you need.

Is there a way to change your screen name but keep all of the same profile info?

The only way you can change your username is to make a whole different profile. It'd be nice if one could just change the username though. It''d be easier.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to needs2beused)

Post #: 19

RE: Do subs/slaves risk more emotionally? - 9/15/2010 7:47:34 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

You can use the same email addy for a new profile. You can also link your old profile in your sig line or simply tell your friends who you now are.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 20

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