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Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 4:35:43 PM

BendyBecky

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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So, the back story is...I met a couple and going in to it we both thought it would be some temporary fun. We ended up seeing each other every day and the man and I basically fell for each other. So, now it's been at least 3 months and I'm basically living in his apartment. He and his wife are taking a break but it really doesn't have anything to do with his and my relationship. We see each other every single day and spend almost all of our time together. We have amazing chemistry both sexually and just in general. We have a lot of things in common and just have a ton of fun together.

I don't have a lot of hesitation about being with him, just taking the next step and officially being "collared" does anyone else have this issue or is it just me being silly? I have a slight fear of commitment and I feel like that is a very big step for us. I'm young, a freshmen in college and he is in his early 20's and has a steady job.

I really do love and care about him but I know that this means a lot to him and while I want the security...I feel like I'm putting myself out there and I don't want to be hurt in the end. This is only my second relationship that lasted and is my first non-vanilla relationship/

Anyone have any comments or advice, or do you need more information about the situation? I'm open to hearing anything anyone has to say about it!

Thanks in advance :)

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RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 5:27:23 PM

CaringandReal

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Hi, I'd like to respond, but I'm a little confused. In the first line you said met a couple, but later in the message you talk about just one person. Is it a couple or a single dom you're asking this about? If you are talking about a couple, what is your relationship like with the other woman?

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RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 6:34:15 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Hi Becky,

I think your fear is just your common sense kicking in. I am really concerned that you say your BF's relationship with his wife has nothing to do with you and him. Not true! What does "talking a break" mean, exactly? Is the wife going to come back into the picture? Is he divorcing her? Is he just cheating?

I see dark thunderclouds of anguish ahead for all three of you. Your married BF is playing musical chairs with people. Don't think that if the sex is good and you have fun together that a collar is going to protect you from him finding another. Calling it BDSM doesn't make this any safer.

January

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[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

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Post #: 3

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 7:06:24 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BendyBecky

So, the back story is...I met a couple and going in to it we both thought it would be some temporary fun. We ended up seeing each other every day and the man and I basically fell for each other. So, now it's been at least 3 months and I'm basically living in his apartment. He and his wife are taking a break but it really doesn't have anything to do with his and my relationship. We see each other every single day and spend almost all of our time together. We have amazing chemistry both sexually and just in general. We have a lot of things in common and just have a ton of fun together.

I don't have a lot of hesitation about being with him, just taking the next step and officially being "collared" does anyone else have this issue or is it just me being silly? I have a slight fear of commitment and I feel like that is a very big step for us. I'm young, a freshmen in college and he is in his early 20's and has a steady job.

I really do love and care about him but I know that this means a lot to him and while I want the security...I feel like I'm putting myself out there and I don't want to be hurt in the end. This is only my second relationship that lasted and is my first non-vanilla relationship/

Anyone have any comments or advice, or do you need more information about the situation? I'm open to hearing anything anyone has to say about it!

Thanks in advance :)

Hey :) I think that when you meet someone you really want to commit to, you won't be afraid of the idea of commitment. The one thing that sticks out to me in your post is the fact that you say you want security and you don't want to be hurt...what's going on with his marriage now? Is his wife leaving him or is she going through the same loss of relationship security that you're afraid of? That sort of thing depends on the man involved and if he's not living up to his wedding vows I can see why you'd question any sort of "forever" he says to you.

Don't analyze it so much...you're going to be hurt by love eventually, if you're too afraid of that then you might never really love deeply. Yes, part of commitment is about building a future together but part of it is just pure heart...if waking up next to him makes you happy and you can't bear the thought of walking away from that, spend some time just enjoying yourself.

When I was your age, I spent a lot of time single, afraid of commitment yet at the same time wanting it...it took a couple broken hearts before I really figured out how to have a committed relationship...and for the record now I'm married to a man I love and still learning what a relationship is.

So I guess the one question I have for you to give you any real advice is do you love him enough to risk getting hurt?

(in reply to BendyBecky)

Post #: 4

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 7:38:32 PM

hausboy

Posts: 2360
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Hi BendyBecky

It sounds like you're new to BDSM....and new to relationships in general...and there's nothing wrong with either. But you also recognize that you're fairly vulnerable emotionally and opening yourself up to potential heartbreak. He's still married--taking a break or not--and I would err on the cautious side if I were you--at least when it came to making any assumptions about the future with him. Not saying it won't work or he isn't the one for you--since I don't know any of you, I coulldn't say. I'm a bit cyncial.

But I do know this: if you're a freshman at college, you have a LOT on your plate right now--adjusting to life away from home, heavy coursework, career decisions, life on campus--the life of a freshman is naturally filled with drama without the added stressors of the situation you've described.

Maybe it's because I used to work in academia--maybe it's because I'm becoming an old fuddy-duddy--but in all honesty, you don't need to add any more drama into your life, and this just screams drama. I had plenty of fun (including fooling around with SM) when I was in college, and that's the best time to explore and have a good time. Have fun, protect yourself, and give some careful thought before you give your heart away so easily.

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Post #: 5

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 8:00:34 PM

BendyBecky

Posts: 3
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Thank you all for your comments!

As for the other situation, I met them as a couple and started dating them as a couple but they had been having some marital issues that ended up causing them to take a break. They are basically just trying to re-unite the spark I guess you could say. Bottom line is, she knows about everything and is okay with it all...it was a mutual break I guess you could say. But, we get along well in general...just your typical drama with poly I guess.

I am very new to all of this and have a lot on my plate but he helps me with school, my health, and really anything I could possibly need...my own dad doesn't take nearly as good care of me as he does. I really love him and the way he treats me, I have just always had a fear of commitment due to bad past experiences.

I'm happy to hear all of the advice and thank you all for your time and thoughts!

(in reply to hausboy)

Post #: 6

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 8:28:37 PM

January

Posts: 891
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Hi Becky,

Thanks for being so gracious about the advice. (Lots of posters get real defensive and hostile...)

January

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Post #: 7

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 9:04:36 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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Hi, Becky. As long as his relationship with his wife isn't clear, I'd recommend against a collar at this point.

Where did the idea of collaring come up? Did he bring it up, or you?

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RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 9:32:03 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
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I would agree your common sense is sending you clear signals.

You recognize you are still young, and looking for who you are and want to become; and it sounds like he is also- he married young, and is now uncertain if he wants to continue it.

So all three of you are uncertain of what you want your futures to become.

The best advice is listen to your instinct, and just see how all this plays out before diving into anything like "Collars" or "marriage".

Good luck.

(in reply to BendyBecky)

Post #: 9

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/21/2010 11:35:05 PM

ladyseekinglord

Posts: 105
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline

The biggest thing is to trust your own instincts. I, too, have had problems knowing what exactly is scaring me - is it commitment issues or is it tiny red flags popping up everywhere and I don't know how to recognize them. Only you can know for sure - and you do know, if you listen to and trust yourself.

Really though, until you are sure, what is the hurry? Its good advice to wait to act until the choice becomes clear - too bad I rarely take it. Again and again, I will swan-dive off the cliff of possibility, ignoring any reason or warning. I may be a little worse for wear, but I'm still alive. :)

Good luck to you.

lady

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Post #: 10

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 2:11:21 AM

tazzygirl

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Joined: 10/12/2007
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quote:

But, we get along well in general...just your typical drama with poly I guess.

Something doesnt... seem... right. If he cant keep his other relationship together, and you are associating that with the poly relationship... is it the wife is having second thoughts about all this?

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RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 3:41:53 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
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From: Savannah, GA
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I'm of the 'trust your gut' crowd.

Best wishes to you...

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RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 3:54:14 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I'm on the other side of life to you Becky, and i can safely say that with bdsm collaring , i have not had the slightest hesitation to agreeing with the collaring when my Sir asked. Of course, i had a disasterous marriage before that, so experience is the only way to learn how to have a successful relationship. and i'm not sure that a poly situation is the best way to go about it.
I would think that if you realize that this isn't the situation that you are going to be in for the rest of your life, then go for it. What the hell. you are only young and reckless once ( i know, i moved countries when i was 21 - by myself- talk about reckless!

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Post #: 13

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 7:01:49 AM

NuevaVida

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I'd be wary about walking into an unstable situation - there's no foundation to begin with. He & his wife recently separated, which causes a whole mess of emotions that no one really knows how to process. Whether or not their separation has anything to do with you, you will be affected, because you're in the middle of it.

If it were me, I'd wait for the man to get his own house in order before I entered it.

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RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 9:28:24 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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I wouldn't feel too confident about trusting him with running my life. After all, he thought bringing a third into an already rocky marriage would solve the marriage problems. That's as dumb as thinking having a baby will. The time to fix the problems are beforehand.

It doesn't matter if you take a collar or not, both your lives are unstable. The relationship doesn't have any great odds of surviving. The collar is just for one day at a time here.

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Post #: 15

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 11:33:40 AM

HisFirstAngel

Posts: 13
Joined: 9/5/2010
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I'd advise against the collar. There's a reason you are questioning yourself. When it's right, you won't hesitate...you'll just know.

Just a thought...you said they are working on bringing the spark back to their relationship...what if his wife comes back and says that she wants them to maintain a monogomous relationship?

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 3:10:16 PM

daddysliloneds

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he wants to collar you because he wants to ensure you don't leave him like his wife

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RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 7:42:59 PM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella
I think that when you meet someone you really want to commit to, you won't be afraid of the idea of commitment.

I'm just smiling at the elegant simplicity of that statement.

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RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/22/2010 7:53:49 PM

Twoshoes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella
I think that when you meet someone you really want to commit to, you won't be afraid of the idea of commitment.

I'm just smiling at the elegant simplicity of that statement.

That's about the 3rd time I've seen that piece of advice.
Personally, I'd hope so because currently commitment really scares me.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 19

RE: Fear of Being Collared? - 9/23/2010 2:24:26 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
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i think the whole idea of commitment is flawed in general... all you can do is trust your gut and do your best and hope for the best too.
The collar does not mean a thing... some wear it just for sexy fun or as a fashion statement, i think a marriage certificate has somewhat more weight but nowadays is quite easily torn up too; look at your man and his wife

it bothers me that he has trouble with his marriage... maybe you'll all sort it out, but
i would brace myself for being dumped

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Post #: 20

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