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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 2:58:52 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
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quote:

children are by FAR more flexible than we give them credit for


Yes. But I've heard that excuse used far too often to rationalize parental selfishness. Obviously, I don't know you or your children, neither do you know me and mine, so I am not addressing you specifically.

I think we're thinking of different things, Calla. You see chores, responsibility, (all which I agree with).

Here's where we differ: I see a 9 year old making sandwiches for the six year old while Mom and Dad go to an orgy. So the nine-year old doesn't do his homework, well, because he's entertaining the 6 year old. Homework is a deadline. Missing that deadline can have repercussions. And that's once example. What happens if the house catches on fire? What happens if the little one has an asthma attack? Friends come over and somebody accidentally gets hit with a baseball bat. The kids get a reverse 911 call?

Offering a babysitter as a "viable alternative" implies (to me) that a babysitter is really overkill if you've got responsible children. As long as the 9 year old gets his marching orders in advance from Mom and Dad, ("direction and supervision") they are safe?

Not in my book. I'd be calling social services under those conditions.

January

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 3:01:47 PM   
mstrslve4fun


Posts: 60
Joined: 12/18/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

um - he calls you knowing that youre kids (6 and 9) are going to be back from school? - Dom or not (and frankly Dom or not is irrelevant) they are youre priority surely since theyre not old enough to fend for themselves yet and leaving a 9 year old in sole charge of a 6 year old is illegal anyway.  or am i missing the point here.

the clash is his not youres - he should be thinking 'kids will be home soon, not a good time'  he should be considering the other priorities going on here and working around them surely.  he's asking you to be the parent in youre adult relationship, he's putting you in the unfair position of having to turn him down when he knows thats going to cause you anxt.  he's not playing fair here.  he's setting you up to fail and thats unreasonable.

if someone were to repeatedly set me up to fail like that i would ask myself why - it might be that he's just out of touch with whats needed to keep the family afloat, or he might be trying to create an excuse to say 'youre never there for me!' or he might be testing you to see how dedicated you are as his submissive against all of youre other committments (which is a bit childish (sorry but it is) - you guys need to talk.


Our older boys live at home and are 22, 20 and 18, so at least one of them is home at any given time. But i am also in charge of making sure someone is home if He wants to go out.

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 3:16:56 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

These youngsters are school-age, hence are capable of fixing themselves a sandwich (or having the 9 year old fix the 6 year old and hirself a sandwich, etc.), and capable of entertaining themselves and seeing to things that are their responsibilities like chores and homework with a mere dash of supervision and re-direction, provided they're given the opportunity and proper direction to do so from a young age, so as long as they are clothed, fed, and are in a safe place, I don't see where their schedules should be any less mutable than anyone else's in the household.



A nine and six year old home alone (at NIGHT no less) so they can learn that they aren't always a priority, and that an orgy sometimes comes before their welfare and safety?

Holy hell.

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 3:29:06 PM   
mstrslve4fun


Posts: 60
Joined: 12/18/2009
Status: offline 		Just an FYI...

I NEVER leave my 9 and 6 year old alone, ever. If my dom expected me to leave them home alone so we could go out to play, He wouldn't be my dom anymore, or my husband.

The problem is His reaction when he drops these little bombs on me without talking to me first about what's going on in the house, and then getting upset when i can't make it work.

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 3:35:17 PM   
marie2


Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		Well, thank God you're not entertaining something like leaving kids that age home alone.

Your situation sounds like a lot of typical relationships where the couple starts to neglect their own needs and the needs of the relationship because of other priorities that have to be met first; like earning money, caring for the househould and taking care of the kids.

I'm with those who suggested you make a schedule; maybe one or two Saturday nights out of the month that you can go out with just your husband. Organize your time, get your other stuff done and out of the way, arrange for a sitter, and go for it; this way you'll be able to relax and just enjoy time together. I would take quality time over quantity, even if you can't do it as often as he'd like, you can still do it regularly.

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 3:39:21 PM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		She didn't say leave them home alone at night to go have an orgy. She said they're capable of feeding themselves to some extent and getting chores done with little supervision if you've taught them how to.
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2




A nine and six year old home alone (at NIGHT no less) so they can learn that they aren't always a priority, and that an orgy sometimes comes before their welfare and safety?

Holy hell.


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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 3:46:50 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrslve4fun

I am in a master/slave relationship, with my Master/husband collaring me a year ago.

Not only do we have 5 kids (2 together, I have 3 from a previous) but I also have my own business that causes me to have to do a lot of work from home.

Often, my Master gets upset because He wants to go out to meet other couples (He also likes to swing) and i am busy doing something with the kids or making something for the business.

For example, earlier today i went downtown to hand out flyers for my business, and ended up walking around for almost 2 hours. Now that i'm home, i need to get busy to make candles to sell at markets over the next 4 days, since my stock is almost depleted.

He just called and got upset that i didn't want to go meet another couple because 1. i'm tired from all the walking, 2. i have to get this stuff made, and 3. i have to be a mother to the kids that just got home.

How should i react to His upset? i don't know what to do. i want to tell Him sometimes that yes, He's my Master, and i accept that, but He also has to realize that i have another part of my life that needs to be taken care of, too, and that He can't be #1 all the time.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.



This might end up being a rather lengthy post....

Obviously you have a busy family very much like many families. Busy and conflicting priorities are often what builds alot of stress and frustration within relationships. Sometimes when theyse conflicts are not resolved in a contructive manner it will and does undermine the relationship that many are seeking to build and have. It appears to me you have a conflict and you are looking to find a constructive way to resolve it. How to do that really depends on the type of dynamic you are engaged in. I realize that you use the term Master and it is implying a M/s dynamic. However, though we might use the same terms it is very likely our dynamics are vastly different.

I will explain how we would resolve this issue using your situation but within our dynamic.

First... We are an M/s dymanic which implies that I have the complete authority (decision making) within the relationship. This is not to say I make every decision but I can and do exercise my authority in any area I desire to. Often I will delegate decisions to my girls, but have been known to override decisions (veto) their choices in one way or another.

Secondly, having the complete authority DOES NOT equate to it being all about me or me being #1 all the time. It means that I have the responsibility and authority to making the final decisions for the BEST of the family. For the best of US. This does mean that at times one person (including myself) may have to give up more than what one receives. It might mean that one will not like the choices made... but in the end... it is made with the belief it is the best for the family.. for US!

Thirdly... having the authority and responsibility doesn't mean that I do so in isolation or without the input of those that are affected. But nor does it mean that I must recieve their input either. How the decisions will be made is MY decision. Most often I will engage the opinions of my girls but that is not an absolute or even an expectation that it will occur.

Also.. just because a decision is made doesn't mean that everyone should and will like the choice. I am not looking for everyone to feel good about the choice... I am looking for Obedience to the choice!!! regardless of their personal opinions and feelings. I expect OBEDIENCE with Grace as they should Expect AUTHORITY with Wisdom!

Now to your given situation. Let us assume.. that I called the girls up with the desire to get out and meet a couple or whatever. If the girls had negative viewpoints of going out then they have a course of action to follow...

first... request permision to give an opinion. If granted.. they can express their dislike to going out... and generally speaking they would provide the reasons why they would go out. I would tend to consider very carefully why they don't want to go out. I would ensure I understood clearly their reasons.

now... often times in these situations... they have some very valid reasons that have generate a negative view to my thoughts. It might be due to conflicts with my own instructions and expecations previously given. Or it could be due to their own personal wants and desires.

In the end... I will make a decision based on what is best for the family. In the given situation... I would have to choose between the importance of meeting the couple or the girls taking care of the tasks they see as important. In the end... the decision is MINE!

Now... I could be upset and disappointed that would couldn't go out to meet the couple... but that will be and is my decision. I made decided and it is on me. Frankly... it wouldn't matter to me that the girls would want to go out or not.... I make the decision! If I decided not to go out.. it wouldn't be due to the girls not wanting to go out.. it would be due to the priorities that I have decided on.


so... I am confused why he would be upet that you don't want to go out... it makes me wonder... does he believe that he has the authority or is he just a figure head making the decisions you will follow?! Also this issue is not your issue. He has to learn to handle the mantle of authority. If he is looking for you to want to agree with all his decisions.. and then be upset when you don't.... well that is on him. HE is having an unrealistic expecation of you when he expects you to have all nice positive feelings on every decision he makes. HE is undermining himself and your M/s dynamic with those unrealistic expecations. Secondly, when he makes those decisions that you don't like... are you obedient with grace... or are you kicking your feet like a little child because you don't like what he is doing. It's easy to submit when you like the choice... but it's a different world when the choice is not so tasteful. It might seem hot for those that like that 'forced submission'..."we are doing this like or not approach"... but those things really don't endure in a relationship even though they are hot things to do at different times. However, It has been my experience that if the S-type doesn't have confidence in the Wisdom of Command.... then.... there is going to be very troubled waters. Ask yourself... are you confident in his wisdom to make the decisions... can you follow his decisions.. regardless of your own personal opinion. Can you put your all into actuallizing the decision regardless of your opininion of the decision? I can say without reservation that my girls are Obedient with Grace.... as they see me have Authority with Wisdom. I think these are necessary for the authority dynamic to be successful.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 9/23/2010 3:51:58 PM >

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 4:08:06 PM   
Asyra


Posts: 618
Joined: 1/5/2010
Status: offline 		Your dom sounds irresponsible and insensitive to me. The children are always #1, not a man, husband or Dom. Making you feel bad for this is immature and would make me re-think about the relationship. I would propose you two talk clearly and frankly about this priority and time issue. It has to be put out in words clearly. Like many others already said, if he wants to have fun, then he should work for it first. Why doesn't he help you with all your work, so you have more free time and thus more time for him, too? Saying that i must add that i admire you: mother of 5(!) children, doing the housework, and having a job - Respect!

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 4:33:51 PM   
DommeJennice


Posts: 13
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		I take care of a 97 year old grandmother and a 78 year old mother.  I had to give up the lifestyle.
I hate to be straightforward, but you have way too much on your plate.  I get overwhelmed with my two adult children.
You have real children, and they come first, your business, then your husband.  Have a talk with him.   Tell him to back off.
If not, get a divorce lawyer.   He needs an attitude adjustment, and I would love to give him one.  Tell him to email me, and you take two days off and let him keep the kids
 
Regards,
 
DommeJennice

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 4:36:56 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with much of what has been said here, especially the detail in which KnightofMist went into. I can say that after reading his words and the words of his ladies for quite a while, I admire their relationships. I admire how Knight runs his household. The main fact being, he does run the household and is realistic and everyone is doing well.

The ages of the children are now known and I believe that there are two children that are of an age where they need care. That can change the whole picture! The rest can help out and if they aren't helping with chores, then something would need to change. Lighten the load by everyone doing their part.

Part of handling a business run from home is knowing when you will be making sells or have events to go to to sell the product. Running out of product is a problem and should be watched so that you don't get low, so low that you can't go on an outing or do something to enhance your relationships with anyone. Proper management of time and efforts will go a long, long way. Things will come up, illness, extra needs somewhere and you have to be as prepared as you can be. This is the dominant's responsibility to assure that these things are done and even if the responsibility is given to the submissive, it is still overseen by him.

I am not one who believes that children come first. There are times that they come first, but adult relationships must be tended just as shorter people get tended to. If the first relationship is adult and responsible, the rest should flow from there rather easily. Children that are raised as number one tend to be children or adult children I wouldn't tolerate easily. Their needs come before some of our needs, true enough... but not to the neglect of adult relationships. Maybe some activities have to be tempered without resentment, but in balance everyone's needs will be met.

If the dominant doesn't know what the needs are... if the dominant doesn't know what is taking place and hasn't structured things to make it all run smoothly, then you are going to have difficulties. In a balanced situation there isn't much reason for a spur of the moment thing to be a bomb.

Two minor children is far different than five minor children. Getting upset because you don't get everything you want isn't the greatest and maybe there needs to be some changes that would make it so this doesn't happen. Family needs come first. Not just children's needs. Bottom line, some house cleaning may need to take place, order brought about and then the dynamic's won't be a huge hurdle. Unless, one is doing so much that they are too tired or they are having health issues. Again, balance and good organizational skills with balanced dominance.


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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 4:53:12 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I'm kinda bothered that this is a recurring issue, and he hasn't addressed it.  It's a routine that happens again, and again.  He's frustrated because he's not getting his way, and she feels bad because he's frustrated.  She feels trapped and likely he does as well.

At the risk of advising you to top from the bottom, OP, have a sit-down session with him.  Acknowledge the problem, and see if the two of you can come up with fixes for it.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 5:27:58 PM   
MistressRosalyn


Posts: 908
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline 		First, it sounds as if your Master doesn't have a clear idea of what you are doing on a daily basis. You need to educate him. If you are overloaded, then you need to share that with your Master. As good as some of use are, we all failed Mind Reading 101. If you are secretly pissed off that you are the main breadwinner, AND he seems to be disregarding you and your needs, then there is a real problem.

Second, it sounds as if there are perhaps things that you don't enjoy doing, and in a (perhaps) passive-aggressive way, you are making sure that it will be impossible for you to do so.  Maybe I'm off track there, but I don't think so.

May I suggest taking a look at a website called The Fly Lady? http://www.flylady.net/
She teaches you how to prioritize your day, and also has a calendar which allows everyone to see what everyone in the family is doing. So if Suzie has ballet class tonight, and you have to take a 6 hour block to make product, then it is clearly on the calendar so he knows what is up before any plans are made. (She's also awesome for teaching us how to keep our homes clean. Slaves and subs, take note!)

If there is an established date for next week with a couple, all you have to do is write "Daddy and Mommy date night" to block out that time.

But I will be honest, and I may get blasted for this, but IMHO, while you do ask for advice... primarily (and perhaps subconsciously) you have come here for sympathy, and to expose your Master as an insensitive jackass, knowing that the OP would make people feel sorry for you and your situation.

Now, before y'all blast me, here's why I know this...it's because I lived it. I could make enough "busy work" over my job and my two children to effectively avoid doing anything I didn't want to do with or for my hubby. If that lazy SOB couldn't keep a job, or couldn't contribute or whatever it was, then I would have things my way. (Yes, we divorced, and yes, I've grown up!)

If your hubby had come home saying, "Honey,  I won a free dinner and tickets to a concert with your favorite group, with a hotel stay for tonight!" would you have found a way to make it happen, or would you still have said no? That was always my benchmark of whether I was in the right, if I'm too tired to go out to dinner or a concert, or to a casino (we lived in Reno), then I really WAS too tired or too busy to do anything else.

You were the one who accepted his collar. Yes, perhaps he IS being an oblivious asshat who should understand that he needs to be aware of what is happening on your side, but happily, now that you have posted this, you now have some great advice to follow to mend this situation.

You two stand on a slippery slope, if not mended now, then I doubt that counseling will help later.

And if any of you are Flybabies, and you tell Marla on me, I'll beat you!
I doubt she'd be happy to know she was linked over here!



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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 5:29:53 PM   
Kana


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Status: offline
quote:

As good as some of use are, we all failed Mind Reading 101


Hear, Hear!





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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 5:44:21 PM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I'm not going to read all the responses, but we had a smaller but similar issue in my house. It finally came out, that all the upset was because she didn't want to come home at ten aat night from work and still make the coffee. I said, that's just it -- thats when your true submissive nature is tested... its all easy when its easy.. and while its always meaningful -- its more meaningful, sometimes when its really hard, or a sacrifice just for me.

That said... no, I don't expect her to do that when all she wants is a bath and bed with me... in fact, that evening, I cleaned the coffee pot so the job was a lot easier for her...

everything is a balance... perhaps you should talk to him and suggest that he set your priorities.. and if he doesn't set making a living as one of them... perhaps its time to renegotiate.

If it were me, I'd be helping you so that in the end, we could have time together but hey, that's me.

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 9:31:34 PM   
DarkSteven


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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRosalyn
we all failed Mind Reading 101.


I just KNEW you were going to say that! 


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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 9:50:38 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'm kinda bothered that this is a recurring issue, and he hasn't addressed it.  It's a routine that happens again, and again.  He's frustrated because he's not getting his way, and she feels bad because he's frustrated.  She feels trapped and likely he does as well.

At the risk of advising you to top from the bottom, OP, have a sit-down session with him.  Acknowledge the problem, and see if the two of you can come up with fixes for it.



DS, you cannot seriously be implying that having an open and honest communication is topping from the bottom???

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/23/2010 10:40:36 PM   
MistressRosalyn


Posts: 908
Joined: 8/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRosalyn
we all failed Mind Reading 101.


I just KNEW you were going to say that! 



OMG! That made me laugh out loud!
The dogs now wonder what's up!

But really, how many of us have sat there and gotten angrier and angrier, because our other half should somehow KNOW how upset and frustrated we are? And we make it worse and worse, until there is a huge blow up that could have been avoided just by communicating.


_____________________________

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I have 20 Fluffy Points and you don't!

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/24/2010 1:20:23 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mstrslve4fun


quote:

ORIGINAL: lally2

um - he calls you knowing that youre kids (6 and 9) are going to be back from school? - Dom or not (and frankly Dom or not is irrelevant) they are youre priority surely since theyre not old enough to fend for themselves yet and leaving a 9 year old in sole charge of a 6 year old is illegal anyway.  or am i missing the point here.

the clash is his not youres - he should be thinking 'kids will be home soon, not a good time'  he should be considering the other priorities going on here and working around them surely.  he's asking you to be the parent in youre adult relationship, he's putting you in the unfair position of having to turn him down when he knows thats going to cause you anxt.  he's not playing fair here.  he's setting you up to fail and thats unreasonable.

if someone were to repeatedly set me up to fail like that i would ask myself why - it might be that he's just out of touch with whats needed to keep the family afloat, or he might be trying to create an excuse to say 'youre never there for me!' or he might be testing you to see how dedicated you are as his submissive against all of youre other committments (which is a bit childish (sorry but it is) - you guys need to talk.


Our older boys live at home and are 22, 20 and 18, so at least one of them is home at any given time. But i am also in charge of making sure someone is home if He wants to go out.


OK, just from youre OP it sounded like there was no one to look after the kids straight from school because the older ones were still at work.  here in the UK, kids come home at around 3.30.  most peoples work day doesnt end till 5.30 - so a two hour gap.

it sounds to me like youre feeling really stretched and fecked off because youre husband is all about fun and youre trying to hold the house together.  i can honestly see where youre coming from here - it would irritate me too.

he wants you to drop youre responsibilities for some fun and youre head is finding it hard to make that switch.  if its resentment then you need to be aware of that and prioritise which responsibility comes first.

its probably time to discuss some sort of compromise

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RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/24/2010 2:22:57 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

quote:

Always was a problem. I've always been the breadwinner in the family.


If you have always had this problem then it seems it's not a Master/slave problem at all.  It's a relationship problem.  I will assume that over the years you have discussed this problem many times. 

Good luck.  Seems to me that your Master is not very considerate which is a shame as the kids are also his responsibility as well as yours.  Sorry that you have had to do the breadwinning with a partner who is not considerate.  It's a real shame but you'd be best off getting help from a marriage counselor. 



This.

My twopennorth..

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

In my relationship with Master if he told me to meet him somewhere then that's what I do...I meet him. Now if I know I have other things to do then I may make him aware of them but it's his decision on which is more important. I do as I'm told. There is nothing complicated about it for me. I trust him to make wise decisions. That's why I'm with him.


littlewonder (and a couple of others on this thread) have described relationships where there's a level of trust that makes it possible to submit completely. I wouldn't dream of putting words into littlewonder's mouth, but I'd bet that the "trust" that exists is in large measure a result of the smart choice she's made in choosing her Dom.

If this is a recurring problem, and you've genuinely discussed it before, then I'm not sure you can trust your partner to make the right choices.

The only thing that I can suggest is that you have another discussion with him. Make it clear that you're trying (and it seems like you're trying very hard!) to fulfil all your responsibilities to him, to family and to your business.

ranja and others have suggested some really good, practical ways to better manage things - and while at first "diaries" may seem like a bit of a passion killer, there are all sorts of ways to keep the mojo alive and kicking even when it's a little more organised.

Managing your time isn't just about making sure you've time to do all the chores, fulfil your business responsibilities etc - It's also about making sure you've time to fulfil your responsibilities to your relationship. So, when you talk about getting the balance right - make sure you're also looking to set aside time to fulfil your responsibilities to your partner (as well as your responsibilities to you!).

I think some relationship counselling might help - If you'd asked DarkSteven yesterday, he'd have been able to tell you that I'm about to admit that I'm no mind reader - and I'm not but the fact that you're the primary earner (for example) could be the source of some unconscious resentment that pushes him to compensate by exerting his authority <- but don't treat that wild stab in the dark as anything other than what it is - a wild stab in the dark! Some relationship counselling might help reset some of the balance and expectations in your relationship.

And, there is always the possibility that he's a selfish ass-hat and you need to kick his ass - but only you can figure that out!

Good luck

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Do you expect your sub/slave to drop everything? - 9/24/2010 4:07:16 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I find it rather insulting that you think Alandra or I would be foolish enough to be in a relationship with someone who would put children at risk. Know who you are involved with and then you don`t have to worry about protecting yourself or others from them.

Knight`s Kyra


And that is the point. That KOM would never do such a thing as the op's husband is doing. Putting children at risk and putting the op at risk for being jailed. Unfortunately her husband is doing this. And the only way she can avoid it is by disobeying him. So is she a bad submissive or is he a bad dominant? To me, if he wants the rights in the relationship then he needs to take on the responsibilities as well. KOM does that, The Man does that. But the op's husband will not do that.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 60
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