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Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 12:40:03 PM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I wanted to ask everyone about challenges and their relationships. Have you ever been challenged in your relationships, or find aspects about them challenging? Was it intentional on the part of your significant other, or just a stumbling block for you? This is a question for both the D and the s..

I just want to know if you found value in the struggles of being challenged, did the struggles make the relationship better, or tear it apart? Did you learn about yourself through it? Did you overcome it? Did it change you or how you felt about your role?

Basically, I think that challenges suck at the time we are experiencing them, and they are often uncomfortable.... but I have always managed to gain personal growth from struggling... I was just wondering what other people's experiences are with being challenged, struggling, and growth

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

Post #: 1

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 1:28:53 PM

NuevaVida

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My ex owner made it a point to constantly challenge me. On one hand, it provided me amazing growth, and I learned what I was capable of. On the other hand, it was exhausting after awhile. I used to tell him it seemed I could never just rest and "be." But as much as I'd ask for time to just rest, I did not receive it. After awhile, I could no longer meet the challenges he put me through. I don't want to be exhausted like that in a relationship again. I don't see the point.

In my relationship now, there are challenges but none I would call exhausting or even excruciating. They are more "life challenges", like we can't be closer together or live together until his daughter is older, or basic relationship challenges of getting to learn each other. But he doesn't set me up for challenges. Sometimes we might challenge each others opinions about something, but that takes place by way of conversation - a give and take exchange.

There are certain things he wants of me that I am unable to give at this time, as the emotional challenge it would put on me would indeed probably tear us apart. He doesn't feel it's worth pushing, as he'd rather have me and all that comes with me than this one particular thing, but we both know we'll get there in time, and there's no rush for it. It's more of a "hey this would be cool to have" rather than a "have to have" on his part.

I'm not opposed to being challenged. Like you, I grow enormously from it. But some challenges are not worth risking the relationship over, especially when they're not that important. Holding firm to what I know about myself, and where certain boundaries are (of what will harm me) is important - to both of us. I'm not in the "He knows me better than I know myself" camp, so he listens when I talk about how certain things would be harmful to me, and he accepts it. He knows I want to give him everything, but that certain things would cause more emotional pressure than it's worth.

Amazingly enough, one of the challenges for me that has come up quite often is learning to allow him to be the man he is. He likes to take care of me, and it's hard for me to accept that sometimes, but I'm learning. Submitting sometimes means submitting to him doing things for me. It isn't all about what I do for him, and that's been a big lesson for me to learn.

Great question.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 1:35:07 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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No, he doesn't sit around thinking up higher hoops to make me jump through. I had enough of that in my marriage, I won't go through with it again. If who I am, right here, right now, isn't good enough, then he should find someone else who is.

Challenges come plentiful from life; from raising teens, to seeing elderly relatives fail, to simply getting by day to day in this economy. I don't need him manufacturing more.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 3

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 1:48:01 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I have had challenges I could not meet, and felt a failure for it. I suppose the "failures" in the end taught me a lot in life, such as the world keeps turning even when I "fail".. In hindsight the failures may have been more instructional than the successes... the lessons were harder learned

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 4

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 1:50:41 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

Challenges come plentiful from life; from raising teens, to seeing elderly relatives fail, to simply getting by day to day in this economy. I don't need him manufacturing more.

I agree with this, life is challenge enough..

I did not mean to restrict this to doms making challenges for submissives, I hoped to incorporate ""life challenges" within relationships for both sides

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 5

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 2:06:30 PM

peacefulplace

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Joined: 8/22/2010
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My biggest challenge was trusting someone enough to hand myself over to him. I came to BDSM awfully late: I was both vanilla and single until I was 35; I made every single major life decision prior to that point on my own. And I was happy and successful on my own. I struggled and struggled with the idea of giving up that control, primarily because how could I trust someone else to make those major (and sometimes minor) decisions better than I could? How could he know what is best for me better than I would?

I overcame this because he took time to get to know me inside and out, what makes me tick, what drives me crazy, what I wish for in life...just everything. And he made it clear that even though he is the one in control of the relationship, he absolutely adores, cherishes, and loves me above all others. That is when I knew I could trust him with my life.

_____________________________

If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
~~Emma Goldman

One thing is clear to me: We, as human beings, must be willing to accept people who are different from ourselves.
~~Barbara Jordan

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 3:59:21 PM

peppermint

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From: Montana
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My late husband took a young single mother who lived two doors away under his wing. He drove her to store. He attended father/son night with her son. Before he knew it he was hopelessly in love with her. However, she didn't see him in that light. She saw him as a ride and babysitter. He spent the holidays at her home. He helped her financially. Yep, it hurt like hell. I thought I would go crazy. Then I went to a professional and got some help. It only took 2 sessions. He asked the right questions that led me to make the right decisions for me and to be able to live happily with the decisions. I finally realized that I am responsible for my own happiness. To depend on another to "make" me happy is not wise. I decided that to stay with him was the best for me at my age. No matter what anyone says, finances are often the key to certain decisions. There was no real marriage left, but we shared expenses.

He became ill. He couldn't drive her around any longer. She got together with an old boy friend and married him. She and her new husband decided to move out of state. By this time my husband was not able to even go to see her.

I stayed. I took care of him. Someone had to and after 25 years of marriage I figured I owed that to him. We did have some good years even though the last few were horrible.

The week she moved away he died.

I did what I felt I needed to do in taking care of him. I made my own life happy without him. It was a challenge for a time. Yet, I am a stronger and better person for all this. My own happiness is within me and I refuse to allow another to take that away from me.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 7

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 4:10:06 PM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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That is a pretty deep story, Peppermint, thanks for sharing it. I do not think I could rise to such a challenge, and it says a lot about your character that you were there at the end for him. Not all women could have done that.

and to peacefulplace, I remember trying to mentally figure out how much "submission" was tolerable for me when I first began exploring with my first dominant. That relationship suffered from that mental process, but he was basically the wrong person for me because he just assumed I should do as he said regardless of how I felt and had little empathy for my feelings and thoughts on things. It wasn't good for me, nor for him. My second spin was much more fruitful, lasted longer, and the situation was much more appropriate for me, although not perfect. Maybe next time I will find the magic formula? I am glad you found yours.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 8

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 4:15:34 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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At this stage in my life I admit that challenges just piss me off. I had more than my share of challenges to deal with in the past and I have tons of them that I'm currently dealing with so adding on more right now is just overwhelming for me. I think adding even one more right now would cause me a complete nervous breakdown. It's the very last thing I need on my plate right now.

Now I do admit there are times when Master will push me to do things he knows I find difficult but he also knows me well enough to know when I can and can't handle it and he rarely pushes me just for shits and giggles. He does it at times when he wants me grow in some way spiritually or physically.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 9

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 4:17:14 PM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have had challenges I could not meet, and felt a failure for it. I suppose the "failures" in the end taught me a lot in life, such as the world keeps turning even when I "fail".. In hindsight the failures may have been more instructional than the successes... the lessons were harder learned

Interesting, about failures.

Daddy has had me remove "failure" from my vocabulary, as there were things I was deeming as failures that he merely saw as my limitations. We're human, after all. Not super-human. And those things we strive for but can not yet attain, are not our failures, we're just not there yet.

That was an important one for me.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 10

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 4:27:26 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

At this stage in my life I admit that challenges just piss me off. I had more than my share of challenges to deal with in the past and I have tons of them that I'm currently dealing with so adding on more right now is just overwhelming for me. I think adding even one more right now would cause me a complete nervous breakdown. It's the very last thing I need on my plate right now.

I just got off the phone with another student in my program, I was literally in tears because one of my professors likes to change expectations at the last minute, has no respect for our time, and frankly I think I want to throttle her....lol. I get what you are saying about feeling tight and tense about challenges... I completely understand what you mean. I have a thesis to write while all of this is going on and if I do not get it done I do not pass go, collect two hundred dollars, and will be living with my relatives next fall....

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 11

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 4:29:24 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I have had challenges I could not meet, and felt a failure for it. I suppose the "failures" in the end taught me a lot in life, such as the world keeps turning even when I "fail".. In hindsight the failures may have been more instructional than the successes... the lessons were harder learned

Interesting, about failures.

Daddy has had me remove "failure" from my vocabulary, as there were things I was deeming as failures that he merely saw as my limitations. We're human, after all. Not super-human. And those things we strive for but can not yet attain, are not our failures, we're just not there yet.

That was an important one for me.

I am hard on myself, which I think you know...lol

Anything less than perfect means I "failed"... I am trying to get over that feeling, but it is pretty hardwired in my head. My last dom called it my "internal mugger"

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 12

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 6:04:49 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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We have between us five children between the ages of 22 and 17. I could honestly due with less challenges at this point. Unfortunately throttling my 17 year old is not on the agenda. Pity that.

The major challenge I've had is turning my daughter into a productive human being. Almost ten years ago she was diagnosed with a then incurable mental illness. She swings bipolar every five minutes. Lithium and depakote don't touch this rare variant. At the time of diagnosis, no child with it had ever graduated high school, or survived age 20. I was told she would find Special Olympics too difficult to handle.

She will graduate college in June. As a psych major and she's challenged her professors about the diagnosis for kids like her. Because the books still say they can't make it. She's the one all the others will look at when they want to know how to handle it. Mainly, we got lucky. A new medication came on the market about a year after she was diagnosed and an adolescent psychiatrist moved up to our area and took six private patients a month, one of whom was her. Oh yeah, and she was offered a free ride to college for her sport but turned it down in favor of a better school. As I said, life is challenge enough. Of course, the difficulties of any handicapped child is immense and like 90% of parents of handicapped kids, my marriage didn't make it. He wanted to come first and she needed to.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 13

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 6:15:07 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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Well, your daughter overcoming so much makes me feel my challenges are not too great... when people overcome so much to prosper it not only inspires the rest of us to do better, but it puts what may seem like a mountain and makes it a molehill.

You must be tremendously proud of her. Love can help us overcome many challenges, when we have the other tools (like good treatment) it becomes even more likely.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 6:20:49 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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I am. Of course like any other household with a handicapped child, the other kids don't get their fair share of attention. I know that and am trying to make up for it but what my son really needs is a father. And his moved to the other side of the country and he's lucky to see him once a year. Being 17 he feels really conflicted allowing The Man to move into that role despite the fact that his father is supportive of it. Oh well, he's doing better, he will eventually settle. And from what most of my friends are going through, their 17 year old boys don't know what the hell they want to do either.

This too shall pass is a helpful thought. One day at a time.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 15

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 6:31:57 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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My son "settled" around 17 years old, shortly before he hit 18, adulthood as a way of bringing things into focus for teens (usually)

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/25/2010 8:13:48 PM

takemeforyourown

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Joined: 2/24/2007
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My entire marriage has been a challenge. I don't think I want to share all the sordid details. Suffice it to say, although I may not be the most content or satisfied human being on earth, I pride myself in my ability to sacrifice for those I love. Is not the meaning of life to love and care for one another?

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RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/26/2010 4:32:02 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I wanted to ask everyone about challenges and their relationships. Have you ever been challenged in your relationships, or find aspects about them challenging? Was it intentional on the part of your significant other, or just a stumbling block for you? This is a question for both the D and the s..

I just want to know if you found value in the struggles of being challenged, did the struggles make the relationship better, or tear it apart? Did you learn about yourself through it? Did you overcome it? Did it change you or how you felt about your role?

Basically, I think that challenges suck at the time we are experiencing them, and they are often uncomfortable.... but I have always managed to gain personal growth from struggling... I was just wondering what other people's experiences are with being challenged, struggling, and growth

Being in an M/s relationship is a challenge in itself for me.

Yes, M also adds additional challenges but he knows me well enough to know what the likely outcome will be. When he does this, it's not as if he just chucks them my way and buggers off, he's right there , even if it's just to say * I'm right here and no, you can't give up*.

It wouldn't be a challenge for me unless it was ruddy hard and a struggle...The most positive thing about having to get through something is the fact that I DID, in fact get through it, no matter how well.

What do I get from it? That depends on what it was..Usually more information about myself, a bit more confidence in something I wasn't convinced I could manage, sometimes a very big *high*, sometimes just a confirmation that I'm not going to cope with certain things well, but perhaps a bit better than before.

agirl

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Post #: 18

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/26/2010 6:02:57 AM

ranja

Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline

yes there are challenges in our marriage,
and it has nothing to do with Him thinking up useless stuff for me to achieve.
If there are things He expects of me that i might have a struggle with, i would usually be able to count on His support
The main challenge to me is to deal with every thing that life throws at me, including periods of time that i might be less impressed with my Husbands behaviour...
we do not always see eye to eye,
i do not always feel like i can count on Him,
He does not always have the patience to treat me as i think i need....
i am not always clear and honest in my questions to Him

it seems we are able to battle on though and my reward is this marriage, our history together, our love

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: Challenging/Being Challenged - 9/26/2010 9:32:16 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
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quote:

I wanted to ask everyone about challenges and their relationships. Have you ever been challenged in your relationships, or find aspects about them challenging? Was it intentional on the part of your significant other, or just a stumbling block for you? This is a question for both the D and the s..

Hon, I've been challenged in every single relationship I've ever been in. I'm pretty sure I've also provided significant challenges for the others with whom I've related. For me, that's part of the fascination of a relationship. I think we grow through the challenges. Sometimes, we don't continue to grow -with- the person by whom we were challenged, but even that can be progress.

quote:

I just want to know if you found value in the struggles of being challenged, did the struggles make the relationship better, or tear it apart? Did you learn about yourself through it? Did you overcome it? Did it change you or how you felt about your role?

I've found value in every challenge in my life, from unemployment, to school, to the loss of babies to women whom I guided as a midwife, to cancer, to MS, to deployed mates, to jealousy, to secrets, to divorce, to the deaths of life-mates.... you name it, and if it is approached from the perspective of everyone 'winning', there is no way that the situation can be -without- value. Every experience is an opportunity to learn, regardless of the outcome. For the second part of the question, yes, I learned a lot about myself through the challenges over the years. I overcame some, and am still working on others, and it will be that way for my entire life, I'm sure. Sometimes, it did change where I was in relation to the others around me. I really struggled at the end of my submission, at the point at which my yielding was turning from a choice into near-resignation and a feeling of stagnation... and I was facing the possibility that nobody noticed that I'd stagnated and I might have to walk away to be able to continue my personal growth. Fortunately, other people -were- paying attention, and were -specifically- watching for that point where my growth on that road stopped. Because we can't read someone else's mind, though, it's hard to get a handle, at times, on how the others around us are understanding and dealing with -our- change and growth... and that's where we have to weigh things out and assure that we know our own minds, and face our own needs and growth, and communicate those things to the people around us with whom we're in those relationships.

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 9/26/2010 9:33:32 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 20

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