RE: What does a sub man want?

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ElanSubdued -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 1:00:57 AM)
SubPet715, quote: As a sub man i'm clear as to what I want, as I see it I want 2 out of 3 of the following... Emotional Connection Physical Connection Intellectual Connection All three of these are essential to me. Without them, for me, there's little chance of BDSM chemistry getting off the ground. Elan.

allthatjaz -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 3:04:44 AM)
quote: How much vanilla, how much D/s. And people won't know their balance until they get into a relationship and find out for themselves. Its not as simple as that but when it is, its nothing more than game playing. D/s is alive 24/7 in many relationships because it can be as powerful as lightening or as subtle as a bit of static! Until you have lived with this, its probably a difficult thing to comprehend but D/s never gets put away, even in a family crisis. To put it away would be to change personalities. quote: "Too nice" and "not dominant enough" are not relevant, in my opinion. Just be yourself. That's who you are. Putting on a persona that you think will attract a partner... how long can that last? Many people will see through this and, for that matter, how long could you expend the energy to keep that up? Sooner or later you'll just want to be yourself so you might as well start out that way to begin with. Absolutely. This is where so many people go wrong. They try to portray what someone else expects of them and dominants are just as guilty of this as submissives. Too many times I have heard dominants complaining about how exhausting dominance is, that its them that have to do all the hard work. If a dominant can't show themselves then of course they are going to end up disillusioned and exhausted but none of this should ever be hard work. It really doesn't have to be complicated quote: The courage and dignity it takes this man to simply be himself, to openly be the submitted property that his heart tells him to be, is breathtaking. This is how I feel and I believe this is how a majority of dominant women feel. I wish more submissive men would read and take in your words.

ElanSubdued -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 8:14:34 AM)
Iinteligencia, LadyNTrainer, and Allthatjaz; quote: LadyNTrainer: The courage and dignity it takes this man to simply be himself, to openly be the submitted property that his heart tells him to be, is breathtaking. allthatjaz: This is how I feel and I believe this is how a majority of dominant women feel. I wish more submissive men would read and take in your words. For perspective, as a submissive man, this is how I feel about the view from the other side. I feel stronger sharing a most fundamental, inner part of my being in support of my partner and with my partner. That my partner is able to understand this; shares her reciprocal, inner self; values and cherishes both sides of this; and allows us both go nurture the dynamics and each other, yes... this is utterly breathtaking. This is one of many reasons why a dominant woman courteously asking for help and/or asking for feedback feels no less dominant. She's sharing an openness that will help us both grow as people. I'm not of the opinion that vulnerability is a weakness. In fact, I find vulnerability essential in all meaningful friendships and relationships. This isn't to say one should go around making themselves vulnerable to everyone, but rather to emphasize placing vulnerability where it is warranted. You can't trust someone without making yourself vulnerable to them. quote: ElanSubdued: Just a reminder... when someone shows you something, remember to thank them for their time. Consider this no different from the vanilla world. (snip to next paragraph) It helps if she's romantic and is a good kisser to. :-) Oops. Typos. Redundant "reminder". "Good kisser too". Sorry 'bout that! E.

LadyNTrainer -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 10:50:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavekal As far as dressing up goes, I am reasonable. I know a woman cannot be in vamp mode all the time. But if every time I see her, she has rollers in her hair and cold cream on her face, then she just ain't trying. Especially if we don't live together and she was expecting me. Male or female, sub, dom, or whatever, I think we should try to look and smell pleasing to the one we want to turn on. It is possible to look good without having to prepare for three hours. I think I look good in casual gym clothes. I think I look good in hunter's camo and cargo pants. I don't wear makeup outside of pro sessions. If the real, living, breathing, functioning me isn't attractive to someone, if they don't think I look good unless I've done things to disguise my face or put clothes on that don't fit my active lifestyle, then we're not a good match. You'd never see me in rollers or cold cream, because I don't bother with those things, but someone who couldn't handle seeing me in gym clothes and casual active wear 99% of the time would be SOL. Or they'd have to pay me for sessions to play dressup, because I sure as hell wouldn't spend personal time with them. Showered, hygenic, neat and presentable I definitely do. Fiddly-ass fancy shit beyond that I don't do, other than the bare minimum necessary for formal or professional events. Personal preferences only. YMMV. My feeling has always been that if someone doesn't like me for myself, if they only like me after I paint on a false face or wear clothes that don't represent me or allow me the freedom to be who I am in real life, then they're not submitting to me. They might agree to submit to a fantasy image I can paint over myself, but that's not me.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 10:51:41 AM)
Does anyone still use cold cream for a facial masque?

MsMillgrove -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 1:36:25 PM)
I am glad that the OP put this question in the "Ask a Sub" group..and that I found a link to come over to see it. Why? Because after years of reading Ask a Mistress, I already know what kinds of behavior, styles of interaction, correspondence etc.. will encourage a relationship and which will end it before it begins. But, what I don't know as well--is how the subs feel when they get that chance to meet a lifestyle domina..What do they expect in that first meet? It's always been a bit of a puzzle to me, if I meet someone at a non-kink venue--say a coffee shop--a vanilla setting.. how much domme-sub "feel" can there be to that meeting. I have had delightful lunches, coffee etc--with some good prospective subs met here on CM, but in most cases I didn't feel like "myself" attempting to be vanilla, when what I want is a sub, not a vanilla companion. True, you can easily get a sense of what spending non-kinky time with the person will be like. That's valuable. But it's also a bit deceiving too. The smart, alpha men know the "right thing to say" and yet I cannot get a sense of what they are like when they are kneeling. What do subs do at that first meeting to show their submissiveness without appearing wishy-washy or doormat types. While a few dommes do want a casual partner, and aren't looking for much more than play--many want something "more", lean to the d/s side. I personally do not care too much what a sub or slave's fetish list includes, as long as it's reasonably in line with my own limits. I have a few, but I can flow with most kinks, both emotionally and technically. If there's something I cannot do due to health issues--I always have a great femdom friend for backup... How do others conduct these first meets? What kind of questions do you ask each other? Are you just visiting with one another in a vanilla way? Did you cover a lot of bases previously in phone, chat or emails? I am so curoius to know--what other people are doing. This kind of info--I honestly never hear about it from other femdoms. They myteriously show up with their boys, unveiling them After they've already done all this groundwork. How do subs think a domme should act in a meet in a vanilla venue--and please god, do not say "be yourself". Who really is ever so relaxed meeting a total stranger that they are "themselves". You know darn well if you go to a job interview and "be yourself" you won't be hired. You need to be "presenting" yourself a bit--on the top of your verbal game. Certainly not telling any lies or covering up things--but at the same time.. not in a "tell all" mode. How do these issues work for you as a sub? Thank you.

Wheldrake -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 2:23:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer I won't spend personal time with any "submissive" who expects me to dress up for him. Period. Hard limit for me. He dresses to please my eye; I wear what I want and find comfortable. He is the sex object, not me. That's the bottom line as far as I'm concerned. You're the one in charge, so you're entitled to decide what you want to wear and what you want to see on your submissives. For me, and I suspect for a lot of submissive men, that attitude is actually far sexier than any item of clothing a woman could possibly put on.

hausboy -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 2:30:01 PM)
When I meet a Domme where there is no pretense of it ever becoming a relationship (and by relationship, I mean a long-term, intimate more than just Domme/sub interaction)-- it is strictly for a Domme/sub interaction, typically on a part-time or on-call/as needed basis, I keep it as formal as a job interview. I don't share personal info--and don't expect or want my Domme/Dom to share anything too personal. We often met first for coffee to negotiate the parameters, but it was always formal. It was my persona meeting her persona. If it's strictly "play" (and please, for the love of a diety, don't dissect the semantics of this to death) I prefer to have that "edge" of fear that comes with not knowing anything other than the Domme side. I had a Domme for several years, who just called for me on occasion, and it always elicited a certain amount of fear that came with the excitement. After a number of years, when we sat afterwards and just chatted as two friends--and she opened up to me about some of her life, fears, anxieties and daily-life issues, and I the same to her.....I certainly appreciated and respected it, but it did ultimately affect our Dom/sub relationship. We suddenly became "real" people, and the illusion was gone. Now that said-- when I got to that same point with someone for whom I felt a deep personal connection to on another level AND our relationship moved into the intimacy/boyfriend/girlfriend realm (and eventually husband/wife), it because the most intense relationship I've ever experienced,.We had a Domme/sub element to the relationship AND a relationship as two real equal people, living and sharing our lives together. It was an entirely different feel to it than the strictly D/s relationship. Don't know if this makes much sense to anyone but me, but there it is.

thatsub -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 3:02:27 PM)
I want a vanilla connection with my Domme. I don't need to be her pal or equal on all matters, but I need to be enchanted by her real personality and not one of her role-play faces. What do I expect on a first date? Be yourself, be confident and dominant w/o pushing limits of the vanilla setting. If I can't find confidence to talk about future dynamic of the possible relationship - show your leadership and talk about it. When I leave that date I want to like you as a person and know the path our relationship will take. That will allow me to make the final long term decision. There really isn't a universal solution. Sometimes we just don't have that gut feeling that says "go for it", and there is nothing the other person could have done to change it. Chemistry still matters in D/s relationships...at least for me; otherwise, I would submit to just anyone.

ThundersCry -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/1/2010 4:15:53 PM)
If thye are new the make the mistake of wanting their kinks met...they want to explore, etc...anyways thats what I was after... Is it wrong? yes and no. Be patient...gee your pic could make me change my mind! <eg> Good luck...

profundum -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/2/2010 2:35:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP quote: ORIGINAL: hausboy Someone who doesn't make "honey-do" lists--instead, she knows that her boy will ensure that the household is maintained as she expects it, and the errands will be performed without complaint, and to her specifications. I'm a little confused, if she doesn't mention to you that the knob on her dresser drawer is falling off, how would you know? Because that's what a honey-do list is to me, just a reminder of what needs doing. If she has the drawers on the right and yours are on the left, you wouldn't normally know that one of her drawers needs the glide fixed. Or am I misunderstanding? Because he will spend the time and effort on knowing those details that you don't bother with. Because every service is also an anticipation of need. Because he has to be ten steps ahead of me or there's no point.

Keith1701 -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/2/2010 3:00:17 PM)
A woman to takes control while I'm under their control in bondage[:)]

boi4lady -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/4/2010 11:15:08 AM)
Hard for me to answer mam, I have been slave to only one woman for a long time and I am finding the same problem. Its hard to go from a conversation with someone to becoming their slave, even if I want to. When they act real nice and are very sweet it kind of puts me in "friend" mode and I certainly don't feel right about initiating things or pushing them along. I am thinking about maybe acting a little bratty to push them into domme mode so they take control and let me know my place. What I really want is for them to determine if they like me and if they do, then have them just start telling me what they want me to do. Not necessarily in a sexual way.... just in a dominant way. Sometimes I feel as though the meeting is "vanilla" and at some magic point she takes control.... but that point never actually comes.... like she is waiting for me to make the first move. Doesn't that kind of defeat the whole point of being a slave?

subrob1967 -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/4/2010 11:48:25 AM)
Four fried chickens, and a coke... But I'm easy[:-]

hausboy -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/4/2010 5:31:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: subrob1967 Four fried chickens, and a coke... But I'm easy[:-] and two pieces of dry, white toast. rock on, Jake.

BalletBob -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/4/2010 9:37:04 PM)
What I want should be what my Mistress would want too. I love to have fun, and for the Mistress to also have fun with this too. If she isn't having fun or enjoying me submiting to her, or following her orders, then what's the use in doing it. I would like to be Tied and Gagged, and let the Mistress have her fun with me, not able to stop her or say "NO", as long as it isn't a hard limit. Always ready to PLEASE FEMALES, sub BalletBob

ServeYou -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/4/2010 10:07:24 PM)
I think it is the same as any other relationship -- no one really knows for sure until they find it. A desire for BDSM does not erase all the other needs and desires. It just makes it harder to find what we need because it reduces the eligible pool.

needDomme -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/16/2010 4:02:41 PM)
When meeting a Domme for the first time in a public place, I expect her to be honest. First with small talk and then on to lifestyle subjects where she can make inquiries and indicate her preferences. She can decide what the next step, if any, will be. I hate to be the one to inquire or suggest a further activity because I feel I would be acting overly aggressive for a sub. I'm more comfortable letting Her take the lead.

trueshadow -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/21/2010 8:27:26 PM)
I like your way of thinking. I met a sub woman once, and we hit it off (this was in spite of the fact that we were both submissive). But I rose to the occasion, and when we me the next time (at a club) I told her to go into the restroom and remove her panties. I told her to carry them back in her hand, and give them too me over our table. She was of course sans panties the rest of the evening. It was quite fun. As far as being too nice, I don't agree. I want to be with a woman I can trust and relate to. I would be very put off if a Domme I just met treated me like dirt. I want to think that we had a connection before she could whip my ass and piss in my mouth. quote: ORIGINAL: anniezz338 I think I would come up with a few exercises during the initial meeting. Telling them ahead of the meeting, that an action will be required but don't tell them what it is. Like if you are in a public place meeting, tell him to go take off his underwear and bring them to you for approval. Tell him to take off your shoes and clean them up because they are dusty. If he talks about something that doesn't interest you, tell him he can shut up because you aren't interested in hearing it. Those are just off the cuff ideas but you see what I mean. They are eager to serve in some capacity and won't tell you how to act or ask you to tell him to do something, as being a sub, we need to be led. Keep the lead in most of the initial meeting. You may have a point about being too nice. Men seem more eager to move to action than women are, as women tend to be more cautious.

MIsabelah -> RE: What does a sub man want? (10/21/2010 8:52:40 PM)
A male sub (not all) on CM want way too much, the way they want it, and how they want it...without giving back in return. It is about them. They have a spoiled little world of me mentality which is all about, "me, me....me". Most know nothing about D/s or service, send you inappropriate emails, and nasty responses when they don't get their way. They want to know nothing about the dominant female besides what she likes to do to you- then gives her their Yahoo name so they can talk about how badly they want to be spanked or balls crushed. If you don't fall for the yahoo, they instant message you on CM, send constant emails, and then make multiple profiles to try to bug you. They want attention. So much attention because they are hard as a rock and have no other desire to make the rock flaccid. If you don't comply and ask about their vanilla life- they answer you in short answers so you can start talking about their wants again. If you do meet a male sub...believe me it is nothing what the conversation was like. One meeting or ifthey even show up- and their gone. I could go on and on and on. My point many males subs HERE are only thinking about themselves and NOT about service. This has been my experience as a Domme and now as a Switch. Sorry to sound negative but this is my truth for the moment. Others probably have had different experiences and I am sure more positive. But I don't think everyone has to be all positive about their experience. If I have offended a male submissive...sorry...but talk your fellow male subs who make a good apple look so bad.

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