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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:07:17 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline 		What I'm asking is did you say, "bf, you should be sticking up for me", or did you say to bf's friend "stop picking on me you#$%^"?

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:08:15 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		My mom gave me advice, she told me that if I did not want my friends or family to dislike my partner, I shouldn't discuss my problems with them. I have not always followed this advice, and it has usually caused me problems because when people care about you, and they see you hurting, even when you "get over it", they don't.

If were me I would set boundaries with his friends, since he seems to have trouble doing so. I would openly clear the air with them in front of my boyfriend. I would say something like "I know you just care about him and since you were told about our past issues, I understand your concern for him and your feelings toward me. Even though I understand you may not like me, I will not tolerate being treated with disrespect nor contempt. If you cannot treat me in a civil manner I will be unable to have you in my home. I would rather we get along, because that would make my man happy, but I am unwilling to be mistreated to achieve that goal. I am not asking you to like me or approve of our relationship, but if you can't be civil I will have to ask you to leave."

If your boyfriend cannot support you creating healthy boundaries for yourself in a way that isn't catty or immature I would wonder why you think he is "zero drama", that isn't being zero drama, it is being unable to stand confrontation to the point that you allow "friends" to abuse the woman you supposedly love. I wouldn't want a man who couldn't grow a pair.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:09:37 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		never would i say that- its just opening up the biggest can of worms. the most i have said was "whats your problem? i didnt do anything to you" and thats when i get hushed.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:10:16 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
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From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MarksFantasyGirl

First, I'd like to say that I do not mean any disrespect in what I am going to say... But I completely dissagree.

That's fine-my ego can handle disagreement

quote:


My boyfriend has a friend that actually used to be a VERY good friend of mine as well. And we had a huge falling out. Now, we don't talk. But he keeps his mouth off of me, and I keep mine off of him.

Has that not placed any tension on your boyfriend? I personally would hate to be in your boyfriend's shoes, and I don't think too many of the people I've dated or been friends with would tolerate me behaving like that either. I suppose we just have different criteria for what we consider acceptable.


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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:10:23 PM   
bellesoumise


Posts: 258
Joined: 8/8/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

the bigger issues of getting stuff thrown at me and getting my drink spit in was at a part for him...couldn't really avoid that. the little jabs just come in here and there, but they add up 


He didn't do anything when someone threw something at you? Someone spit in your drink and he did nothing? Spiting is one of the highest forms of disrespect for me. If he didn't try to correct the situation after someone attacked you and spitted in your drink, you know where you stand with him. This has gone beyond his friends just being the problem.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:14:12 PM   
VaguelyCurious


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From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: bellesoumise

If he didn't try to correct the situation after someone attacked you and spitted in your drink, you know where you stand with him. This has gone beyond his friends just being the problem.

This. You said you've been together five years, and that this has been happening for a year. For a fifth of your relationship he's allowed the friends he chose to treat the woman he chose to be with like this. It's not just his friends that come out of this looking bad.


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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:17:44 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		all he said was that i was being too damn sensitive and that people fool around when they are drunk. however, i do believe the saying goes "a drunk man will speak a sober man's mind" so i can only assume that somebody really wanted to spit in my face. not cool with me.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:18:12 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

never would i say that- its just opening up the biggest can of worms. the most i have said was "whats your problem? i didnt do anything to you" and thats when i get hushed.



You have to decide what is more important to you, him or healthy boundaries. If someone were ridiculing me in front of a man that "loved" me and he shushed me from sticking up for myself, I would seriously question the relationship.

My last dom and I were out once at a nice restaurant with his entire family. He has this assholish brother libertarian in law that was pontificating rudely to dismiss something I had said. Even in front of his parents, sister and my last dominant's kids I intelligently put this boorish jerk in his place. Sinergy loved to retell that story... he WANTED me to stand up for myself, even to his family. He didn't want to have to stand up for me, he wanted me to stand up for myself. After all, he couldn't follow me around all of the time.

You guys are rather youngish, friends mean different things when you are young as opposed to being older, but that still does not justify him demanding you put up with abuse from his buddies

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:54:30 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		Not that I couldn't handle myself, I'm more than able to, i just expect him as my boyfriend, to at least have my back.

the feeling that he doesn't ranks pretty high on the sucky emotions list for me.


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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 10:55:03 PM   
WyldHrt


Posts: 6412
Joined: 6/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

when i stick up for myself- he always feels the need to tell me to be quite, like i'm his child

In a vanilla relationship, I wouldn't tolerate that for a second.
TBH, it would pretty much go over like a fart in church even in a D/s relationship, if the situation was one where I was being disrespected and/or verbally attacked and he refused to deal with the situation.

When did these problems start? If the problems started after your 'break up', it sounds like the boyfriend vented quite a bit about your relationship to his friends while you were apart. In that case, I'm betting that his claim that is has nothing to do with him is BS, because they are reacting to things he told them about your relationship.
If the problems were there before, it is a different matter.



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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 11:00:57 PM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		these problems started right after we broke up.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 11:29:43 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

Not that I couldn't handle myself, I'm more than able to, i just expect him as my boyfriend, to at least have my back.

the feeling that he doesn't ranks pretty high on the sucky emotions list for me.




The fact that he won't do it isn't the most disturbing thing for me, but the fact he is disempowering YOU from doing it says a lot. By not allowing you to stand up for yourself he is telling you that you do not deserve better than the way they are treating you. On a spiritual level it would harm me deeply to allow myself to be treated in the way you have described on this thread

We teach people how to treat us. You are teaching everyone in this situation that the way they are treating you is okay. It isn't his job to set your boundaries, it is yours. You are allowing him to do it for you and it isn't working for you because he has poor boundaries obviously.

I can understand the way you feel about his lack of ability to take a stand, but since you are the one that is having her boundaries violated, it is your job to put those boundaries back in place. If he interrupted me when I was standing up for myself and "shushed" me I was confront him right then and there too. If I were you I would warn him before it goes there and tell him "Either you stop it or I do" I would also tell him "You unwillingness to demand I am treated with respect by your drunken friends is damaging our relationship"... because that is the truth, it is.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/26/2010 11:36:38 PM   
lilmissdefiant


Posts: 666
Joined: 4/17/2008
Status: offline 		In my opinion, he needs to balls up and tell his friends to shut their mouths.
It really is quiet simple, if you are with him and you two share a close bond what ever they are saying to you, they are essentially saying to him aswell so it has EVERYTHING to do with him. Its his problem as much as it is yours, tell him to man up and support you, that is what boyfriends are for.


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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 4:15:03 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I am not going to bore anyone with the story, from my life, that came to mind when I read this. It's too long and no one here really gives a shit anyway.

The short of it is, he is an immature punk that hasn't got a fucking CLUE what being a man means. He values his relationships with his friends more than he values you and your relationship. That is glaringly obvious.

If you do not mind being more important to him than his friends that treat you like shit, his friends that are being disrespectful to their friend, him, by treating his relationship with you like shit.......continue on. But what I see is that their behaviour towards you, is a direct reflection of his feelings for you and your relationship. If it wasn't, he wouldn't tollerate it. If you think that is not the case, well all I can say is that you've got an utterly spineless ninny on your hands and you are just going to have to suck it up and deal with ALL of life's bullshit yourself because he isn't going to.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 4:34:52 AM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

it would be directed to whatever i said after his friends would insult me.


Hey MissA., good to see you again.

Firstly I read most of this but may have missed it. Are the majority of his friends doing this male or female? Makes a difference. 



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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 4:42:40 AM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		its a mix. its the closer friends who do it.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 4:47:55 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		You are his dominant. What do you not comprehend about this? Talk to him, tell him that you are fed up with them and that you want to impose restrictions upon them, or that you will give them a piece of your mind. You are his very significant other, not them. See how he reacts and then act yourself.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 4:56:43 AM   
Rule


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Status: offline 		Or end the relationship.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:07:06 AM   
MissAsylum


Posts: 1863
Joined: 1/9/2009
Status: offline 		i'm not his dominant, i am just the more dominant one in the relationship.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:08:28 AM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline 		fr

Is it possible that your boyfriend doesn't stand up for you because he actually did say some negative things about you when you had broken up that have caused this negativity towards you and thus if he defends you his friends might actually speak out about what he had said?

By staying quiet he is actually passively allowing this behaviour to continue and in a way he is giving his silent approval for you to be bullied.  Is this the type of man that you want to be with?


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