RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:10:27 AM

Twoshoes

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Yeah, you are going to have a hard time convincing them to be respectful towards you if you don't convince him he's the only one with enough leverage to make that happen.

On the other hand, I can't imagine how you managed to piss off so many people.

Then again I'm like a peace monger extraordinaire and I could probably fix this for you if I were there!

I've only had 1 relationship of any kind in my life that resulted in a negative outcome and it was a friendship with a guy who decided to convince everyone I was dead after I was gone for a week.
I realized his sense of humour is seriously lacking and he makes up for it in rudeness...

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:14:03 AM

Rule

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
i'm not his dominant, i am just the more dominant one in the relationship.

Okay. Then the easy solution is to kill them all. (Make most of them look like accidents.)

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:17:13 AM

MissAsylum

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what i am under the impression of, as well as others here are, is that he vented to his friends about our relationship in a negative manner. maybe its just me, but i could really bring myself to be that disrespectful towards anybody over just a lack of communication

quote:

ORIGINAL: Twoshoes

Yeah, you are going to have a hard time convincing them to be respectful towards you if you don't convince him he's the only one with enough leverage to make that happen.

On the other hand, I can't imagine how you managed to piss off so many people.

Then again I'm like a peace monger extraordinaire and I could probably fix this for you if I were there!

I've only had 1 relationship of any kind in my life that resulted in a negative outcome and it was a friendship with a guy who decided to convince everyone I was dead after I was gone for a week.
I realized his sense of humour is seriously lacking and he makes up for it in rudeness...

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:23:29 AM

soul2share

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
and him agreeing with them was my initial thought, and still is to an extent. but he always says "it has nothing to do with me, so i'm not saying anything. i don't agree with whats being said, but all that is between you guys".

That is so lame...it has everything to do with him, they are trashing his girlfriend, the one person he says he loves. If he ain't speaking up, then he has issues......time to tell him to step up or step out. And just out of curiosity, what would he say if your friends trashed him in the same manner his trash you? And you just gave him the above response?

(Sorry, I'm coming in late and haven't read everything, but that one line just really chapped my ass!)

Also, what Steven said.......

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:31:56 AM

Twoshoes

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1. After ensuring he knows how this makes you feel and acknowledging that whatever happened during your breakup was ugly.

2. Agree with him that it IS between you and them.

3. Convince him that the only way you can remedy this is if he asks them to give you a fair chance.

4. Then just be nice and don't make a big deal out of it if the attitude does change.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:42:34 AM

MissAsylum

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honestly i don't know how he would react. one my friends had attempted to do that before- and i raised hell about it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: soul2share

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
and him agreeing with them was my initial thought, and still is to an extent. but he always says "it has nothing to do with me, so i'm not saying anything. i don't agree with whats being said, but all that is between you guys".

That is so lame...it has everything to do with him, they are trashing his girlfriend, the one person he says he loves. If he ain't speaking up, then he has issues......time to tell him to step up or step out. And just out of curiosity, what would he say if your friends trashed him in the same manner his trash you? And you just gave him the above response?

(Sorry, I'm coming in late and haven't read everything, but that one line just really chapped my ass!)

Also, what Steven said.......

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:52:12 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I am not going to bore anyone with the story, from my life, that came to mind when I read this. It's too long and no one here really gives a shit anyway.

The short of it is, he is an immature punk that hasn't got a fucking CLUE what being a man means. He values his relationships with his friends more than he values you and your relationship. That is glaringly obvious.

If you do not mind being more important to him than his friends that treat you like shit, his friends that are being disrespectful to their friend, him, by treating his relationship with you like shit.......continue on. But what I see is that their behaviour towards you, is a direct reflection of his feelings for you and your relationship. If it wasn't, he wouldn't tollerate it. If you think that is not the case, well all I can say is that you've got an utterly spineless ninny on your hands and you are just going to have to suck it up and deal with ALL of life's bullshit yourself because he isn't going to.

The first thing I thought upon reading the OP was the highlighted sentences above. It must be ok with the man to have his friends treat you this way or it's quite simple....he would stop it. You have some talking to do with him about residual feelings left over from the breakup or from whatever is making him act so passive aggressively. Letting your friends be openly disrespectful without lifting a finger and then making it worse by telling you to be quiet is about as passive aggressive as you can get. He's not doing the dirty work, they are, and he's clearing the way for them to do it because it's working for him. Maybe he's telling them privately things about you or your breakup with him that is fueling their dislike for you.

I was married to a passive aggressive man whose family disliked me for not being the same race they are. He never stuck up for me, never took my side. It hurt. In the end what destroyed our relationship was his inability to work on emotional issues with me....so it wasn't the disrespect issue so much as his never being able to rise to the challenge of confronting anything emotional. I dealt with the constant disrespect from his family in what I like to think was a graceful manner, I never stooped to their level. I learned to live with it and my sorrow over being left out to dry time after time by my ex. However our relationship didn't survive because of him and his overall emotional problems. I know it seems as though I'm pointing fingers, but without going into a lot of detail suffice it to say that we have been to many counselors and this is not just my opinion or assessment.

LaT and some of the others pretty much summed it up when they pointed out that if your bf is not rising to the occassion now...he may never do it. I think it serves his purpose to have you disrespected and the passive aggressive approach seems as though it might be a pattern you'll see pop up again and again.

< Message edited by lizi -- 9/27/2010 5:54:52 AM >

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 5:57:32 AM

soul2share

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
honestly i don't know how he would react. one my friends had attempted to do that before- and i raised hell about it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: soul2share

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
and him agreeing with them was my initial thought, and still is to an extent. but he always says "it has nothing to do with me, so i'm not saying anything. i don't agree with whats being said, but all that is between you guys".

That is so lame...it has everything to do with him, they are trashing his girlfriend, the one person he says he loves. If he ain't speaking up, then he has issues......time to tell him to step up or step out. And just out of curiosity, what would he say if your friends trashed him in the same manner his trash you? And you just gave him the above response?
(Sorry, I'm coming in late and haven't read everything, but that one line just really chapped my ass!)
Also, what Steven said.......

Well, (said with tongue in cheek!), we know who the bigger man here is!

Honestly, after having read a few more posts, I'd give serious thought to the status of your importance to him if this behavior has been going on for a year. Of course his friends are only going to hear his side of the break-up......he's not about to admit any wrong on his part! Even if his buds drew their own conclusions, he had to have said something to make them draw the ones they did.

Also, having been the ventee when someone is venting about a break-up, how much trash do you think he talked? I've heard it time and time again......"bitch", "bastard", "jackass", "jerk", etc. Break-ups take on a life of their own, and never die completely. The battle lines drawn then will always be there.

Me, I'd move on......but that's only because I'm selfish, and refuse to be belittled, harassed, picked on, or whatever you choose to call it, by anyone. Period.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 6:59:47 AM

juliaoceania

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MissA

It really comes down to you. You are the one giving all these people permission to treat you badly by tolerating it. Your boyfriend will never demand those people treat you with respect because you are not demanding it. He obviously is content to let you be disrespected as long as you are willing to tolerate it. He isn't going to magically grow a pair and defend you. You have to put on your big girl pants and do it yourself. Every time one of them treats you badly and you put up with it you are being diminished by it, and he probably respects you less and less for it.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent ~Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 1:45:06 PM

DomImus

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
him agreeing with them was my initial thought, and still is to an extent. but he always says "it has nothing to do with me, so I'm not saying anything. i don't agree with whats being said, but all that is between you guys".

i have been present when its happened. when i stick up for myself- he always feels the need to tell me to be quiet, like i'm his child, whereas if he would say something, this wouldn't even go on. or he will laugh. that always feels great.

What do you see in this guy? I wouldn't stay ten seconds with someone who treated me like that. What a dick. First he dumps it in your lap like it's your problem then when you say something he tells you to be quiet.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 2:56:39 PM

DesFIP

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Let's see, an attempt to make you lose your job through malicious lies and slander, direct assault on your person, theft, and an attempt to possibly infect you with a disease by spitting in your drink. All of these are actionable in the eyes of the law.

If you think that your relationship is strong enough and worthwhile enough to continue, then tell him (not them) that you are not tolerating this in the future. Instead you will seek legal remedies; press charges and possibly file civil suits as well. I bet he'll decide that he needs to tell them to behave. If so, then that proves that he still harbors enormous resentments towards you and has egged his friends on subtly because he will not sit down and communicate honestly. And that he does indeed care more about them than you or he would not intervene to save them.

If you think he's worth it, and just because you've already wasted five years on him is not a reason to throw even more time away, then couple counseling is needed immediately.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 3:13:26 PM

LadyHibiscus

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What LaT, Soul, and Des said.

Me, I would cut to the chase and hand him his walking papers. Who doesn't stand up for the person they love? No one loyal to you should need to be reminded to defend you.

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RE: When You Say Nothing- It Really Hurts. - 9/27/2010 3:18:28 PM

JstAnotherSub

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I would refuse to be around these friends of his. He has a right to enjoy their company, you have a right to not be made uncomfortable and defensive. He can visit them at their places. Man, there is no way I would allow such abuse to go on towards someone I cared about.

Ugh, I love living alone the more things I hear-lolol.

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 9/27/2010 3:24:17 PM >

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