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Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 8:36:47 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline 		Hello all,

I am new to this forum, but have been grateful to have found it now. I am going to open up about something. Maybe some of you can give me some imput.

I left a long term/poly relationship where I was in contract with a Master.  I was allowed to top whom ever I wanted, but was loyal and was slave to only him. I was a switch and enjoyed both, but my true desires, was to serve. Well, the Master broke the contract and I couldn't get past it. That being said, after I brushed myself off, I decided that I would hoefully submit to someone again someday.

I started to seek and shortly after found a new Master who seemed like the idea guy, he was for 1. within a few miles of me, 2. did not have a need to have a poly, and 3. had no baggage and was of sound mind.  He was seemingly compatable with my limits, and respected the gift of my submission fully.

After several months, he collared me. To me this was a major deal.  Later that same year, we signed a contract.  Another major deal, for a slave who had her trust along with her heart broken. 

Long story short, we played in a manner I never dreamed of, suspension, bedtime bondage, and even when he was away on business, he felt close to my heart.  Ok, a year passed, we moved in together. Eveything seemed perfect. And then as we were about to celebrate our 2 year anniversary, as a surprise to my then Master I cleaned out the garage and put it in order. Ok, I said this would be short, didn't I?

To my surprise, I found a box full of stuff.. feminine stuff, like corsets, high heels and female garments, all in his size. He was 6'2 and 19lbs. It couldn't be passed off to belong to anyone else.

When I confronted him, he said that he enjoyed being bottom from time to time, but had never done it in person only with his self. He knew I had switch, but never mentioned wanting me to top him before this.  All of this took the wind out of my sail for numerous reasons. After talking about it,  I agreed to top him, and it became on a regular basis.  Then when he would play with me, he would wear these garments, which was just something I wasn't really into, and i didn't find myself serving him with the same zest as before. I did let him know it. So we came to the decision that  I would no longer submitted to him, because he said he felt that he was more submissive than dominant. 

I should have been ok with what ever my Master wanted. But I wasn't. I gave up my submission completely. I am no longer his slave, he is mine. But I can't help but feel betrayed. We still are together, but I feel like it was all on false pretences. Is this a deal breaker?

Thanks in advane for anyone who replies,
Mistress NINA
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 8:55:34 AM   
Lyku


Posts: 72
Joined: 11/12/2005
From: Buffalo, NY
Status: offline 		Nina,

This is my output on this situation.  This is my view on the situation.  The thing that originally bound your relationship together was the fact that you were bound to him by your submission.  You went into the relationship with a simple desire.  You were to serve.  However now, the roles have been reversed and you are placed into the role of what you wanted him to be and likewise, he is in the role you so desired.  In a way, it is as if he stole it from you.  Deep down, the decision is yours.  You can keep this man...or boy...though he may not fully satisfy you, or you can move on.  The betrayal feeling is nothing unusual in the situation.  The true question is how much do you care for him outside the relationship.  If he is someone you really care for and can see being a top for for the rest of your life for example, then stay with it.  If there is doubt within your mind, you two may need to talk. 

Master Wes


_____________________________

If I took life deadly serious, I might of accidently killed myself by now. O.O

For the dear ladies. How to cope with stress:
Take a deep breath
Relax
Submit

It's just three easy steps.

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 9:06:33 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		That's an interesting story.  He was dishonest from the onset with you, but I think I can understand why he would hesitate to disclose that.  Only you can decide how far you want to go in this, but you also have relationship needs and you should think about what would fulfil you and make you happy.  It also sounds to me like the sticking point is mainly his wearing the dress-ups when he's topping you.  Have you told him that you just can't deal with it?  If everything else in the relationship is good, perhaps there is some negotiation that can be done, regarding when he dons the dress-ups?


_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Lyku)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 9:08:28 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		It sounds like he has submissive tendancies but is afraid to act on them, perhaps he thinks it will taint his masculinity. Whatever the reason if it doesn't bother you, then why not try to help him act out some of his fantasies? This could really open up alot of doors for the both of you in regards to experimentation.
If it does bother you, be honest with him and move on. But the only thing there is it will probably make him think that all women will feel this way and he will remained *closeted*. Thats not your problem however and you have to do what is best for you.

~Lashra

(in reply to Lyku)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 9:12:44 AM   
kittensmailbox


Posts: 744
Joined: 1/7/2005
From: Youngstown, Ohio
Status: offline 		i feel you need to follow your heart

_____________________________

~softly smiles

~lowers her eyes in respect~

~kitten

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 9:43:42 AM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		YES.... You signed on as a slave/submissive NOT as a "Mistress"

Why did you agree to this change in your relationship that already appears to have occured ??

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 9:47:10 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline 		Thank you all, and let me just say.. this is something that has been eating at me for a long time. I was hesitant to bring this up, because I don't want to give the wrong idea for the lurking Masters out there thinking I'll be down on my knees for them.

Do most of you find that it is ok to keep secrets in a m/s relationship? What happens when you discover something about your partner that you feel they should have been up front in the beginning about?


(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 9:57:15 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NINASHARP
Do most of you find that it is ok to keep secrets in a m/s relationship?

It's not ok to keep secrets like that in any relationship.

quote:

What happens when you discover something about your partner that you feel they should have been up front in the beginning about?

Obviously at first you feel betrayed.  And then you see if both the secret AND how the secret is handled now is something you can work with or whether it's a deal breaker.



_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 9:57:44 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkypupper

YES.... You signed on as a slave/submissive NOT as a "Mistress"

Why did you agree to this change in your relationship that already appears to have occured ??


I agreed because I love him and we were in a committed 24/7 relationship, and I was trying to be tolerant to his needs. I was confused about what a slave should do in respects of obeying her Master, even if he wanted to no longer be the Master and in turn be my slave. Besides we were living together for gawd sakes and that meant some thing to me, on a higher plane of intimacy!

I guess I encouraged it because I had an open mind to what its like to wanting to serve, and it wasn't the cross dressing part that bothered me, I love that in my dom life, its just the cross dressing Master, that I had a hard time with. When we chose eachother he was very masculent, and that was one thing that attracted me to him.

(in reply to Kinkypupper)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 9:59:07 AM   
Lyku


Posts: 72
Joined: 11/12/2005
From: Buffalo, NY
Status: offline 		Like any relationship, it should be based around trust.  The more secrets kept, the weaker that bond will be.  Personally I feel you should confront him as this is something you need to handle.  I tend to be open with the one I call my own because the more truthes revealed and handled, the stronger the bond can become.  This is my opinion.  You will do well.

Master Wes


_____________________________

If I took life deadly serious, I might of accidently killed myself by now. O.O

For the dear ladies. How to cope with stress:
Take a deep breath
Relax
Submit

It's just three easy steps.

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 11:01:14 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Nina,

With some slight variations in detail, this exact same thing happened to me and it ended the relationship. In fact, now that I think on it, it's happened several times although only once when I was in a 24/7 relationship. I ran into a lot of dominants wanting a turn on the other side then finding submission fit them better. As a sadistic slave I was able to provide physically what they required, but not the mentality that is necessary to hold the power and they certainly could not hold mine when they were on the bottom so it was a wash and it was just a matter of play which I grow tired of rather quickly.

In the 24/7 relationship that went south, literally, I took my belongings and left because while vanilla is not for me, neither is a D/s relationship where I hold the power. I would have been utterly miserable. We had no children so I had no one to worry about but myself. I don't envy your position right now, but I understand the betrayal, feeling cheated, being pissed, feeling angry, disappointed.. the entire host of emotions one goes through when someone dies, because truly, that's how I felt. Master had died and there was this other person in his place with his face.

I'm sorry that I can't help you, but ultimately, you'll have to decide in which direction to take your life .. and perhaps his as well.

Celeste

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 4/24/2006 11:27:28 AM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to Lyku)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 11:24:53 AM   
Tikkiee


Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Is this a deal breaker?

Only you can answer that.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 4:01:56 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I feel sorry about the situation you find yourself in, to me it would be like getting involved with a man, having all your emotions and mind invested in the relationship and then him coming out of the closet and announcing he is gay. Despite a lot of peoples opinions to the contrary, Master/slave Dominant/submissive relationships are really tied up with our sexuality. The way we are in the world and how we interact with our partners on an intimate level is really tied up in our sexuality.  I really dont think it is fair if someone hides something like this with their potential partners, waiting for a time when they feel safe to reveal the truth about stuff like that, its reallly about lack of integrity on the part of that person....and that lack of integrity would be the deal breaker for me. Sure, he can be free to be himself now..but he has put you in a position of not being able to communicate and have a relationship where you are free to be yourself...staying in the relationship as the one you described would mean to me that I was trapped in a situation that I hadnt agreed to..it has become non consensual by default...of course you feel betrayed....to stay in the relationship perhaps means you really are a slave, in the true sense of the word...but nothing to do with safe/sane/consensual and bdsm. You are made a slave to his desires because they are not in alignment with your own.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 4/24/2006 4:03:18 PM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to Tikkiee)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 6:53:30 PM   
petcerina


Posts: 143
Joined: 4/4/2005
Status: offline 		First off, i'd like to say that keeping secrets in any relationship is never a good idea espeically in a BDSM one.  It breaks trust and trust is hard to gain back.

When one of my submissive friends is having trouble in her relationship i always send them to the submissives needs site on castlerealm.com.  Even though you are a slave, i believe you have the right to have your needs met.  If this were to happen to me, it would be a deal breaker.  i have decided that being a submissive in a relationship is something that i need and it is what makes me happiest so that is what i have decided i'm going to to pursue.  Is being a slave to him something that you need?  The answer to this question should help you figure out if this change in the situation is a deal breaker.

i'd also like to point out that i believe it is possible to be a submissive through Topping someone.  This happened to me once.  i was submittting to the person i called my slave through Dominanting them.  i was giving them what they wanted and serving them by giving her what she wanted: a Mistress.  i hope this makes sense and helps you.

< Message edited by petcerina -- 4/24/2006 6:55:47 PM >

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 7:04:51 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline 		It seems like one of the most common deceits of many "doms" after they have entered into a D/s relationship, is the sudden "urge" to "explore" their submissive side. 

It's a common, wary question I get from submissives I talk with.  "You switch?".

I don't find anything wrong with a switch.  What I find wrong is the apparent deceit in not discussing your submissive desires with a potential partner. 

In your case Nina, he didn't even come out and confess it, until after he was confronted by you.  That puts him in a not very good place in my opinion, and leads me to believe that since he deceived you from the beginning, and is apparently manipulating you still, your entire relationship is nonconsensual.

You entered into and worked the relationship, lead to believe it was one thing ... and now find out everything was based on a lie.

Only you can make the decision about what you should do.  All I can say is that I find your partner apparently without honor, and undeserving of you.

FHky


_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 7:07:38 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline 		Hmmm ... Nina ... I just read your profile.  You are advertising as a Pro-domme?

I'm not sure what to believe ... your profile, or your words here.

FHky.


_____________________________

Some people are just idiots.

(in reply to FirmhandKY)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/24/2006 7:41:32 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		Sometimes the path to honesty is winding and jagged. Given my less than great state of mind this evening, I really have no idea how you can sort a situation like yours out. You have grounds to reject the bait-and-switch and grounds to adopt and make the best of it.

I think there's a good chance just about everyone keeps a secret something in their garage, and its probably more wacky to have no secrets at all.

What's true, is that human relations can take unexpected turns --- dealing with those turns is the key to all LTRs.

Just as an aside, your profile doesn't indicate much of a submissive side at all or that you are in a switch relationship right now. That is somewhat confusing.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 4/24/2006 7:56:53 PM >

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/25/2006 3:10:36 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Nina,

With some slight variations in detail, this exact same thing happened to me and it ended the relationship. In fact, now that I think on it, it's happened several times although only once when I was in a 24/7 relationship. I ran into a lot of dominants wanting a turn on the other side then finding submission fit them better. As a sadistic slave I was able to provide physically what they required, but not the mentality that is necessary to hold the power and they certainly could not hold mine when they were on the bottom so it was a wash and it was just a matter of play which I grow tired of rather quickly.

In the 24/7 relationship that went south, literally, I took my belongings and left because while vanilla is not for me, neither is a D/s relationship where I hold the power. I would have been utterly miserable. We had no children so I had no one to worry about but myself. I don't envy your position right now, but I understand the betrayal, feeling cheated, being pissed, feeling angry, disappointed.. the entire host of emotions one goes through when someone dies, because truly, that's how I felt. Master had died and there was this other person in his place with his face.

I'm sorry that I can't help you, but ultimately, you'll have to decide in which direction to take your life .. and perhaps his as well.

Celeste


Celeste,

Thank you for your kind words.  And I am sorry too for your loss.  I had been in this place for quite some time.  Only to find that this site to address it, since I really had no one who could share with me without their own ulterior motives. 

Nina 

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/25/2006 3:15:40 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: slavejali

I feel sorry about the situation you find yourself in, to me it would be like getting involved with a man, having all your emotions and mind invested in the relationship and then him coming out of the closet and announcing he is gay. Despite a lot of peoples opinions to the contrary, Master/slave Dominant/submissive relationships are really tied up with our sexuality. The way we are in the world and how we interact with our partners on an intimate level is really tied up in our sexuality.  I really dont think it is fair if someone hides something like this with their potential partners, waiting for a time when they feel safe to reveal the truth about stuff like that, its reallly about lack of integrity on the part of that person....and that lack of integrity would be the deal breaker for me. Sure, he can be free to be himself now..but he has put you in a position of not being able to communicate and have a relationship where you are free to be yourself...staying in the relationship as the one you described would mean to me that I was trapped in a situation that I hadnt agreed to..it has become non consensual by default...of course you feel betrayed....to stay in the relationship perhaps means you really are a slave, in the true sense of the word...but nothing to do with safe/sane/consensual and bdsm. You are made a slave to his desires because they are not in alignment with your own.


Jali, It is a trust issue.  And it gets worse, without going into the details, in the way of how much this is a part of him.  Had I not found his stuff, had I not confronted him, maybe it would have all worked out differently.  Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy topping him, and because of the trust issues that I face with him and my former Master, I have burried my submissive desires.  Yet, there are times when I look back and remember and long for it.

Nina

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Keeping Secrets - 4/25/2006 3:26:43 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: petcerina

First off, i'd like to say that keeping secrets in any relationship is never a good idea espeically in a BDSM one.  It breaks trust and trust is hard to gain back.

When one of my submissive friends is having trouble in her relationship i always send them to the submissives needs site on castlerealm.com.  Even though you are a slave, i believe you have the right to have your needs met.  If this were to happen to me, it would be a deal breaker.  i have decided that being a submissive in a relationship is something that i need and it is what makes me happiest so that is what i have decided i'm going to to pursue.  Is being a slave to him something that you need?  The answer to this question should help you figure out if this change in the situation is a deal breaker.

i'd also like to point out that i believe it is possible to be a submissive through Topping someone.  This happened to me once.  i was submittting to the person i called my slave through Dominanting them.  i was giving them what they wanted and serving them by giving her what she wanted: a Mistress.  i hope this makes sense and helps you.


I thought I made it clear that I was no longer slave.  I guess I rambled a bit in my original post.  I question these desires, and I fulfill his. 

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

Hmmm ... Nina ... I just read your profile.  You are advertising as a Pro-domme?

I'm not sure what to believe ... your profile, or your words here.

FHky.



If you read my profile than you should have been able to see that I had been a prodomme for many years. I  say had been, because I am no longer am a prodomme and haven't been in quite some time. I thought I clearly pointed that out in my profile, because I went as far as creating a new account and changing my name here. I don't understand what you feel is advertising as a prodomme??  Could you enlighten me because I don't want to give anyone that impression that I still prodomme.

(in reply to FirmhandKY)
Profile   Post #: 20
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