Keeping Seperate Homes (Full Version)

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truesub4u -> Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 10:46:15 AM)

A few times I have refered to my former Master here in the forums. When we first met, we were both cross country truckers. We drove teams together. Now that's a 24/7 relationship... LOL... talking sleeping.... eating... showering.... you name it... it was together. Anyways.... finally their came a time when he decided it was time for children. I so then quit my job and found a state I wanted to live in and set up house. Now for those that aren't truckers.... that truck becomes home... more than home does. A actual home is really just a place to visit more than an actual home. Which mean ... two seperate homes.

Now my relationship with my Master lasted 4 more years after coming off the truck to be a mom.  It was really hard to actually maintain 2 different homes.....where I was ... there was rent... electric.. VERY HIGH phone bills... groceries... clothing.... medical... insurance....water.... kid things which are even more expsensive.... the works... (Luckily I don't like Cable or that would of added to things).

Ok... now his... Toll booths.... scales for load weighing..... 2-3 meals a day always eating out..... fuel... truck payments (We're talking $1,354.37 a month) insurance for truck..... fuel taxes... for each state in USA... clothing.... tools.... etc...etc....etc....

It did become hard... and stressful... for both. So I got to thinking of Owned.. and her Master.... and a few others.... that are in actual D/s and M/s relationships. Not just meeting and begining relationships.  But actually  involved in serious relationships.

Now I know that homes were established before relationships began. Just as mine now is. I don't have a room mate... no one helping pay bills. It's just my girls and me. Only one income... that's mine. And we live comfortable... there are always wants... just no needs in my home. I've seen in the past.... when personal stress got to be too much... because of something unexpected coming up... (Medical... car... etc... ) actually break down relationships that were in seperate households... Because of unexpected expenses.... trips being canceled (meeting first or not) etc....

So I was curious... as to others on how they manage situations like this. Maintaining two households when involved in serious relationships. But not the finacial aspects.... because like I said... the homes were maintained before the relationships (most of them anyways) came into being.

I'm refering more to the whole D/s or M/s side of it. When a owner is not there all the time. For days at a time. Weeks. I know my former Master was usually gone... 3-6 weeks at a time. Granted we talked nightly (hense the high phone bills... internet access for truckers at this time was not available nor wire less web). But he really had no way of knowing what was going on 24/7. Now I know what I did too. I was his slave.. even when he wasn't there. He knows this... I know this... but seriously.... do all know? Do all know... all the time?

It's so easy to say "Yes Master" when told to do something.... that he can not be there to witness... and want to know about later.  I seen in another thread... where someone said I slave will clean his house all week while he's away out of devotion and slavery.... where a sub will only do it the night before his return so not having to deal with consequences upon his return. What makes him think a slave seriously wouldn't do the same... because he's not here to really know the truth behind that. Oh he can feel it... she can swear to it... but only she knows for sure. Harder to do if maintaining two seperate households if not living in same city. Or even if living in same city... but he works outta town.

I know i've flipped flopped in this thread... but it still follows the same topic of maintain two households in a set relationship. I'm curious about how others handle this as well. Mainly because I am possibly about to enter somewhat the same situation again. There are different situations between the this... and my former Master's living situation. I'm not about to be collared... too soon for that... but the D/s is still in play here. I've never liked shacking up.... and knowing I have my own home to come to... my safe haven... should things not work out.... safety net if you want to call it that. I guess with living alone for past 14 years.... I shy away from the possiblity of actually relying on someone else to make sure bills are paid.... kids taken care of.... putting that type of trust in someone... is not as easy... as having to look out for just myself.

Lord talk about a confusing post....



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 10:51:29 AM)

If people are not following through on their commitments, whether they get caught right away or not, it will eventually erode the relationship as a whole.

If people are following through on their commitments, then it doesn't matter if you get to see the result every 5 minutes or every 5 months. 

As far as how to deal with bills and financial and legal issues- it's a fairly personal and personally complex decision that should be handled on a case by case issue.

Relationships take work and nurturing- that means making a priority to enjoy time together, to grow together.  Balancing that between work and time that enables you to have fun is a tricky place that everyone has to find for themselves.



truesub4u -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 10:57:48 AM)

I understand the finacial part LA... that's why I didn't really ask about it... everyone manages the finacial aspects on their own before another is in their lives... (well most).

I do know how things work.... been there... about to enter it again... and with the way things have changed sense I last lived with... so to speak... with someone... was back in the mid 1990's.... so I was curious as to how others handle the two household aspects of maintaining relationships. Because I take it... i'm not the only one out there that is NOT eager to live with someone on a full time basis. YET... LOL.. for got the YET part of that... [:)]



Proprietrix -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 11:27:22 AM)

I find myself coming back to this thread over and over. I'm compelled to answer, but I don't know that I quite have my finger on the question. lol

I don't think I could have a D/s-M/s relationship if I didn't know for sure that 24/7 (fulltime, live-in, choose your word) status was impending. I'm not saying I would want a slave attached to my hip every minute of every day, but I don't know how long I could tolerate weeks away from one another, especially over such a long distance. If it was just that my sub/slave lived a few miles down the road, it might be different. But even then, I would want to be setting living together as the goal. Anything otherwise, to me, feels like a part-time thing. Not that there's a lack of comitment per say, but more it would feel like there's a lack of wanting to move forward together. I understand that certain jobs (like trucking) require that people be away for lengths of time like that. I just don't think I personally could handle it. To put it in vanilla terms, weeks apart from one another on a constant basis would feel like we were just "dating".
I don't know if that in any way whatsoever answered your question. But at least I can quit feeling compelled to keep hitting the 'respond' button for a while. lol



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 11:33:19 AM)

My situation is poly so it's different- but we pretty much just manage our households like single people living alone normally would.  We keep eachother up to date on our expenses, income, and how we manage things so that we're all comfy and aware, but generally we just do what responsible adults do and keep it simple.



mixielicous -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 11:35:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

I find myself coming back to this thread over and over. I'm compelled to answer, but I don't know that I quite have my finger on the question. lol

But at least I can quit feeling compelled to keep hitting the 'respond' button for a while. lol

LOL me too

i live a few miles [2 if that] from my D, and i must agree, i feel like it is a half hearted situation. granted W/we are not in position to live together for a few more months, but i also, feel a PT nagging feeling. It has potential to build trust [the distance and forcable honesty], but as a sub/slave, i can say it sometimes leaves me feeling like i have not accomplished what i have set out to do.

to be quite honest, i hate it. [:'(] i feel like neither of U/us can meet our end of the deal by not being in a FT situation [even thou we tech are 247] and i look foward to the day when i can fully truely commit myself [at the end of the summer]



thetammyjo -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 11:51:15 AM)

Sometimes life says you have to have separate households and life takes priority.

I had Fox before we bought our house but we also knew he would not be appearing on the list of home owners -- he was a student and he was fairly new so we weren't ready yet to make him our partner in home ownership.

But we did get a house with an extra room that was for him and we asked his opinion on the house when we were considering it.

If someone new came into the family, sorry, there is just no room for them in the same house 24/7. In the future, after we've moved, we plan to get Fox a bigger space and include him on the list of homeowners (will also allow us to get a bigger house with 3 combined incomes). Because we do wish to expand our membership in the future, we will also get extra space for the unknown new person.

For now though a new slave or a submissive would have his/her own place to live in from day to day. As nice as someone sleeping on the floor can be, I really want everyone to have their own private space -- even Tom and I have some private space in the house.

How do I know I want this? I had a female slave who lived with us, she stayed in the basement for several weeks until we all realized that we all needed space.



truesub4u -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 11:59:45 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

My situation is poly so it's different- but we pretty much just manage our households like single people living alone normally would.  We keep eachother up to date on our expenses, income, and how we manage things so that we're all comfy and aware, but generally we just do what responsible adults do and keep it simple.


See LA... maintaining two households to me... mean not having to explain to no one about my finacial situation.  But then that's just me. Not everyone.

Proprietrix.... mixielicous.... I know the feeling of reading threads over and over feeling i need to reply.. but not knowing with what... LOL

But I understand the feelings you both descibe. But right now... that's where we really are for now. But when I would like to think that this will not be long term as well.  Over past 10 years or so sense being on my own.. i've dated a few... and have only wanted more from one... (LOL we all know how that went from my post on here... )So I once again begin the slow process of starting the dating all over again. There's been discussion on a live in possible... LATER... neither want now.. but I do think... I'm ready for me to attempt the living together.... but later. In other words... this is the first time i've even thought about the possiblity for later even. It's usually never crossed my mind before.. and when brought up.. i've dodged or out and out said no to. Maybe i'm getting older... LOL.... I had gotten use to the fact that I would always live alone... now i'm not really liking that idea much any more... though I still value my alone time so much.. I really think.. i'm willing to share that now... with someone I think is very special...



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 12:04:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u
See LA... maintaining two households to me... mean not having to explain to no one about my finacial situation.  But then that's just me. Not everyone.


It's not explaining as in "being held accountable" it's just simply being together.  If I were going to the doctor for something and had updates on that, I'd communicate it as well.  To me maintaining households is a matter of finances and practicality.  One's HOME can be in many places. 



proudsub -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 12:11:54 PM)

Other threads i've read on LD relationships have recommended keeping an online journal of your daily activities to be accountable. It makes sense to me. As for phone bills, there are some pretty cheap cell phone plans with nationwide calling and there is free voice messaging online. We only use our cell phones now for long distance, including for our business.



fullofgrace -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 12:19:09 PM)

i live in an apartment with two roommates (who are also in college) and He rents a house probably 5 or 6 miles from my apartment. we talk usually 1-3 times a day and see each other 2-4 times a week. currently, because one of His daughters is living with Him, i don't spend a lot of time at His house...however, when she moves out or His lease goes up (if He decides to find another place) i will most likely be practically living there and just maintaining my apartment for storage space, in case i need a place to go, and because my lease won't go up til august 2007. our goal is eventually (within the next year and a half or so, but definitely by the time i finish my undergrad) to live together, in the same house. in the meantime, we do the best we can...i am with LA - if people are not following through on their commitments, whether or not there is an adequate check system, it will eventually end the relationship. not to mention, He's so damn good at reading me, He can tell usually right away when i'm lying, so even if i didn't put in the effort to do the things i'm supposed to do without Him right there to check after me, He'd still have a pretty good idea.



truesub4u -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 12:42:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub

Other threads i've read on LD relationships have recommended keeping an online journal of your daily activities to be accountable. It makes sense to me. As for phone bills, there are some pretty cheap cell phone plans with nationwide calling and there is free voice messaging online. We only use our cell phones now for long distance, including for our business.


Hiya proud... he's not long distance. He's local. But he does work outta town. And his cell is local for us to talk back and forth. I was refring to my Former master when I mentioned the big phone bills.. etc... Like I said.. I know I made it confusing.. didn't mean to... brain and fingers don't well work together when I make a post alot of the time.. LOL


LA... I still see where you are going with this. I let ones i'm talking with know certain things.... but not all things. I'm not owned by anyone. So to me... there's a difference.... you're poly.. i'm not.. slight difference there as well. So things I do on daily basis... I see no need to HAVE to explain to anyone... i've been asked a few times.. how my day went.. or what did I do... and i've spilled SOME of the things.. just not all boring details... LOL
But until I get to the point of a more serious relationship.... no... what goes on in my home.. remains mine.... not all. Just like what he does.. is not my business... unless he wants me to know.



LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 2:01:07 PM)

lets look at some facts its cheaper to be under one household thats been proven. If your doing things for the future you need to plan for it. granted no one should rush things so there comes a point were some get comfortable being in seperated house holds but as i read it  also causes things to erode. we are all wired different so what you have to figure out what is best for you and your kids. kids being first. being in bdsm or ds or poly or what ever configuration you want to come up with is not always enough for the human condition. taking care of responsiblity is a prioty. can not argue with that no matter what you feel or do.



Tikkiee -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 3:13:56 PM)

It took me awhile to understand where you were actually going with this thread, but I think I have finally got the gist of it. You are concerned about the day to day aspects of life; what you consider to be very personal, versus what a potential partner would see as 'his right to know' ? Am I close, or very far off the mark?
 
My relationship with Chris is a bit odd by most standards. We own a house in Moody. It has both our names on it. Chris lives there year round. I go to school in Dallas. I have an apartment there. Depending on HIS schedule, we try to see each other on the weekends.
During the week, we constantly talk with each other. Every day, multiple times. He often asks me how my day went, what did I do, did I go anywhere, who did I see and talk to, etc. I don't communicate all of this to him simply because he feels that he has a right to know; but rather because I know he only asks because he's concerned about me. He WANTS to know that at the end of a day, I am still smiling. 
 In addition to this, we often talk about finances. I only work part-time; every penny I make goes towards school. Chris pays my rent, buys my food, pays for any extras that I may want; so yes, he is very aware of every penny that I spend, and for what I spend it on.
 
Not sure if I answered what you were asking or not. [8|]



truesub4u -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 3:43:59 PM)

Latex.... no worries there... everyone and anyone knows me... knows my kids come first and fore most. My profile even states how strongly I feel about this. Argued this over and over before with others in e-mails and on line... shows me how much more off line listens compares to onliners... (speaking of Doms here... ones i've spoke with... that doesn't mean all of them)

Tikkiee.... you about got it... my own post has me confused somewhat... nothing new there.... LOL... but yeah... being alone as long as I have... even during the last 4 years of the relationship with my former Master.. due to him being on the road more than around the house... I pretty muched lived alone the past 15 years. Other than with my girls. I almost changed that earlier this year.. long story.. not going there... but knowing I was willing too... makes me know... it's still possible... and letting me know.. i'm still open to it..... Being in a D/s relationship... I don't worry about  the "his right to know" situation... specially when not living together. But yeah... guess i'm worried about having to change my mind on that whole concept... either living alone still... or living together... Not to sure if either one... would be a problem... so I was just wondering how others handled situations as this. 



kyraofMists -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 4:17:23 PM)

I am not sure if this will answer the question or not… though none of us really like the situation, my Lord and I live in separate houses.  It is a situation that we are working on changing, but it won’t happen quickly.

As far as how does he know if I did what I was instructed to do, it is a matter of integrity for us.  He rarely even asks if I completed something, he knows my character and he knows if I am told to do something or not do something, then it will or wont happen or I will bring it to his attention.  In my opinion, if someone doesn’t have integrity, then living together or apart isn’t going to make much difference.

I share whatever my Lord wants me to share.  We talk for hours everyday (have to love those unlimited phone plans) and whatever he wants to know he asks or if I think he would enjoy hearing it, I share.  It helps him feel a part of my life even though he isn’t right here.  I take pictures several times a week and send them to him; pictures of places I go, things I see. 

As I mentioned we do not have separate houses because it is what we want.  However, living together does raise some concerns for me.  I have not lived with a significant partner before nor shared a bed on a long term basis.  In fact I haven’t even shared a room with someone since I was 8 years old.  So I wonder how someone who is as independent and private as me will handle living with not one but two significant partners and not to mention the little ones who live there as well.  Then there is the question of what are we going to do with all the stuff I have accumulated.  I know that alandra is looking forward to all the books I’ll bring with me.  Separate houses raises quite a few problems for us and combining them will bring its own issues, but we enjoy working through them all and it just brings us closer together.  That is the goal really; no matter where we are or what we go through, the goal is to strengthen the relationships.



KnightofMists -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 4:19:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u

I'm refering more to the whole D/s or M/s side of it. When a owner is not there all the time. For days at a time. Weeks. I know my former Master was usually gone... 3-6 weeks at a time. Granted we talked nightly (hense the high phone bills... internet access for truckers at this time was not available nor wire less web). But he really had no way of knowing what was going on 24/7. Now I know what I did too. I was his slave.. even when he wasn't there. He knows this... I know this... but seriously.... do all know? Do all know... all the time?



Does a tree make a sound in the forest when it falls if no one is there to to listen... Of course it does!

Just because I don't see it ... Doesn't mean it doesn't happen or that I even need see it to know it.

It's a question of Integrity and Trust between those in the relationship.  I will involve myself in my girls life in anything that I wish to know about, whatever the reasons.  And they will answer... the rest well the tree still makes a sound even if I am not there to hear it.  I know this... because I have taking the time and made the effort to build a strong deep relationship with my girls.



kyraofMists -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 4:22:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
It's a question of Integrity and Trust between those in the relationship.  I will involve myself in my girls life in anything that I wish to know about, whatever the reasons.  And they will answer... the rest well the tree still makes a sound even if I am not there to hear it.  I know this... because I have taking the time and made the effort to build a strong deep relationship with my girls.


*shakes my head smiling*  my Lord at this point we should be able to communicate telepathically since we seem to be able to read each other's minds or at the very least complete each other's thoughts. 



truesub4u -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 7:16:14 PM)

LOL I see that Kyra... and I agree with you both in the integrity and trust. Kyra I have to say.... I really liked your post. You showed me i'm not alone in my issues of sharing myself fully after being alone for so long. I know in the past i've anted to share things... but usually when i'm in the state of mind.. there's no one to share with... where as when I run across someone who wants to share that... ive closed myself up to it... and have problems with this. Even more so after the situation with Jeff  that you 2 are aware of. My trust issues make this all more harder for me and even more confusing for me.  Please do not think i'm jumping in to fast with one so soon after what happened between Jeff and I. This one and I have known each other for awhile.... been friends more so than anything. Although neither are trying to move fast in this... my head space I guess has jumped forward into the... "but what if " faze. It has been discussed... but not in depth... so I guess that's why It got me thinking of the "What If" faze. And of course... I do have my girls to think about. They are always my first thought. Thanks for responding Kyra.... KoM... made me think of a few things here too....  



TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Keeping Seperate Homes (4/24/2006 7:47:47 PM)

But is it truly necessary to live 24/7 to have a true and strong D/s relationship?..I am not talkiing LDR..I am just simply wondering about R/L, homes close but just simply two seperate households? Does this truly compromise a D/s or even M/s relationship?..tempting



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