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Interesting - 9/30/2010 5:41:35 AM

Kinkthulhu

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/29/2010
Status: offline

Well maybe I'm not looking in the right places, or maybe most "sub" males are just retarded.

So I'll ask this...

What do you Dommes consider a true submissive male?

I realize this is a matter of opinion, and the answers will vary. But I am in fact curious, and being that I am new here, I don't want to post things making myself sound like someone just looking to "get his rocks off."

To clarify my question, in case it is too vague, I'll supply my answer, based on how I consider myself to be submissive.

I don't consider a submissive to be someone just interested in fulfilling their personal fetish by having a woman in control of them.
I consider myself submissive because it is my goal to please my partner by whatever means necessary. I want to love, protect, and please a woman, by dedicating myself to them. I am looking for someone that wants a man to fulfill her desires, in and out of the bedroom. Some one that wants an average guy that is fully capable of taking care of himself and is fully independent that is interested in dedicating himself to making his woman happy.

Am I wrong? Or is that what a submissive male should be? Someone that isn't a just horny little man seeking his porno-educated fantasies but a level headed individual looking for a strong minded woman to focus his attention on.

Your input is greatly appreciated.

-Cody

_____________________________

Fur is more actively protested than leather 'cause its easier to harass rich women than biker gangs.

Post #: 1

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 6:48:39 AM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Hi, Cody. Welcome to the forums.

First, if you haven't already done so, I encourage you to read our FAQ at the top of the forum. In it you'll find a lot of information about how we like to be addressed, including how to avoid coming across as a wanker. (You did great.) It also contains links to things like the Search feature, which you'll find very helpful as you explore the site and yourself, and to common topics such as "how do dominant women REALLY feel about feminization" or "how to construct a profile and intro email a dominant woman will find interesting."

Second, as you already know, there is no such thing as a "true" submissive. What is true for one person isn't for someone else. It's impossible to give generalities so most of us don't even try. What we will do is tell you to find someone whose definition of a "true" submissive matches yours.

Are there women in the world who want what you have to offer? You bet there are. The trick is finding them. CollarMe and other websites are a great start, but they aren't everything. You have a much better chance of finding the right partner if you use CM in addition to other avenues of meeting kinky people such as going to a munch or BDSM club. Remember, finding a partner for a kinky relationship is like finding a partner for any other relationship. It takes time, patience, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince or princess. The FAQ also contains a link to a list of kink groups sorted by area. Check to see what's available in yours.

Think of CM as a social networking site rather than a "dating" site. It works much better if you look for people you'd enjoy having as friends and then develop romantic relationships from your pool of kinky friends. I met my slave girl and my male play partner on CollarMe so it does work if you have patience.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to Kinkthulhu)

Post #: 2

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 8:25:08 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Cody, I have to say that I agree with a lot of what Sylvere had to say. I do have different definitions for the terms bottom and submissive like many of the women here. Some of our definitions vary, but you should be able to find those through the FAQ section.

Personally, I've never looked at CM as a dating site. It can absolutely work for networking, but if someone can't meet Me at the munch I attend or an event that I'm going to, there's really no point for Me. (Others may feel differently.) I want to see people in the real world, not the electronic one.

The rest of what you wrote was pretty good. You'll find that a lot of women just don't have an interest in talking with anyone who is thinking of their kinks or their penis first. That's going to help you a great deal.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SylvereApLeanan)

Post #: 3

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 8:48:25 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

FR

Bleugh. You know what I, personally, don't like? People who need to put others down to make themselves look better.

Your post comes across as pretty self-righteous, OP. What I consider a 'good' submissive is someone who fits with me and the things I want to do in my life, not someone looking around proclaiming how nobody else measures up to some theoretical standard. That's not attractive.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 4

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 8:56:30 AM

BOUNTYHUNTER

Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline

Good morning,We have a lot of Dom women as friends and a very small percentage wants the whole package, a house boy a slave and a lover, most seek only a hard working boy without the sexual aspect.those who want the whole package seem to marry their subs just the views of an old Master..Bounty

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 5

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 9:13:31 AM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kinkthulhu

Well maybe I'm not looking in the right places, or maybe most "sub" males are just retarded.

So I'll ask this...

What do you Dommes consider a true submissive male?

First of all, screen name love. I've run and played in a number of CoC campaigns, and geeky = sexy.

Second, I find that when people prepend the term "true" to anything, unless it's in the field of hard science where there are mathematically precise definitions and measurements, mostly they're just going to cause a lot of confusion and maybe get into a pissing match about whose definition of "true" is better. Because frankly there are likely to be multiple definitions of what is "true", and not everyone is going to agree on what meets those criteria.

I think that the absolute baselines that most people can agree on would be that a "true" submissive is not false or lying (eg, misrepresenting himself for some agenda of gain), and that he is also not an utterly selfish fetishist whose sole interest is in finding someone with tits and a whip who will cater to his exact fantasy without having inconvenient needs and desires and a human existence of her own.

quote:

I don't consider a submissive to be someone just interested in fulfilling their personal fetish by having a woman in control of them.
I consider myself submissive because it is my goal to please my partner by whatever means necessary. I want to love, protect, and please a woman, by dedicating myself to them. I am looking for someone that wants a man to fulfill her desires, in and out of the bedroom. Some one that wants an average guy that is fully capable of taking care of himself and is fully independent that is interested in dedicating himself to making his woman happy.

Am I wrong? Or is that what a submissive male should be? Someone that isn't a just horny little man seeking his porno-educated fantasies but a level headed individual looking for a strong minded woman to focus his attention on.

I'd be in complete agreement here, but I would probably not care to use the term "true", since it's just too damn broad and vague. Someone like yourself might in fact meet all those criteria, but might fall short of someone else's definition of "true" because he retains a few hard limits.

There's this ideal that a "True" submissive would, for instance, allow their dominant to cut off their limbs with a chainsaw rather than state a hard limit. And that may well be applicable, but I think someone can be a perfectly good submissive and still draw the line at being treated very abusively or unsafely. And that's why I prefer to avoid the word "true" in this context; it usually just becomes a pissing match for people talking about extremes and doing it More Kinkier Than Thou.

_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to Kinkthulhu)

Post #: 6

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 10:47:51 AM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
Bleugh. You know what I, personally, don't like? People who need to put others down to make themselves look better.

QFT

I even don't like myself when I catch myself doing that.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 9/30/2010 10:58:28 AM >

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 7

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 12:26:40 PM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline

Hello there!

The one thing I'd suggest is that instead of saying

"I don't consider a submissive to be someone"

you might consider

"I'm the kind of submissive that isn't just interested in fulfilling their personal fetish by having a woman in control of them"

You've listed some really clear qualities that describe how you define YOUR submission.. And while I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiments, it's a bit of a push to claim they define "a TRUE submissive" - but that's beside the point... I reckon you'll be able to find a smart, intelligent, experienced Domme who's looking for someone who defines their submission in the precisely the thoughtful way that you do.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Kinkthulhu)

Post #: 8

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 1:47:50 PM

bighappygoth39

Posts: 633
Joined: 10/7/2009
Status: offline

There are a lot of dommes who are looking for exactly what you're not, as has been mentioned already. It's fantastic that you know exactly the sort of relationship you want. That's a definite bonus, in my opinion. I'd say that being a true submissive all depends what the domme is looking for. Each to their own is a good way to put it. I hope you find what you're looking for and don't settle for anything less, or you'll never be happy.

_____________________________

I just lurrves me chesticles, I do. :)

Don't judge a book by its cover, it could well be worth a good sniff or two...

(in reply to Kinkthulhu)

Post #: 9

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 2:08:57 PM

daintydimples

Posts: 967
Joined: 7/6/2009
Status: offline

Personally I am leery of anyone who defines themselves as a "true" submissive or a "real" slave. As in all relationship pursuits, the BDSM one is no different: be yourself, know your boundaries, be clear as to what you are looking for, yada yada. . .

I think the single biggest mistake many males subs make is to be so focused on their own personal version of submission, they forget to just be a person, looking for another person.

_____________________________

Some soften by the forced reflection that comes from loss; others harden. Which are you?

(in reply to bighappygoth39)

Post #: 10

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 2:25:46 PM

Kinkthulhu

Posts: 7
Joined: 9/29/2010
Status: offline

Well first off, I thank everyone who has contributed their opinions. As that is what I was looking for, opinions, not definite answers.

Secondly I apologize if I have made it seem that I was intending to place myself in some form of higher standard than anyone else. Personally I do view the lot of my gender as idiots, probably due to the fact I was raised mostly by women who were treated badly by their man and raised me to do the opposite, but that gets into the psychological realm that would have me rambling for hours.

I really was just looking to get personal opinions, and was hoping that by stating mine that would be a clear objective. And while using the word "true" may have been a faux pas on my end, I was merely using it as a qualifier, not a finite reference point.

And again, thank you all for contributing. It makes me feel welcome here.

_____________________________

Fur is more actively protested than leather 'cause its easier to harass rich women than biker gangs.

(in reply to daintydimples)

Post #: 11

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 2:53:42 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Cody,

- Fast Reply -

quote:

What do you Dommes consider a true submissive male? (snip) Or is that what a submissive male should be? Someone that isn't a just horny little man seeking his porno-educated fantasies but a level headed individual looking for a strong minded woman to focus his attention on.

I'll add a generalization that hopefully doesn't come across in a condescending, "I know how it's done" kind of way.

The more I meet people in social situations, the more I think declaring ones BDSM identity (no matter how elegant, enticing, and altruistic the approach) is a bad thing. People, not just the kinky types, respond to those who interact with kindness and balance - people who show a sense of style at a given moment, who are able to hold a conversation, who are helpful, who show empathy as is appropriate, who have a certain look that is mmm... mmm.... sexy, and who demonstrate a myriad other things. It's my belief that acting in an overtly submissive way has very little to do with attracting a domme. On the other hand, presenting yourself in a way that is courteous, enticing, helpful, and sexy on a number of levels... this catches a dominant woman's attention. In my opinion, BDSM chemistry works best when it develops organically from this kind of foundation.

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 9/30/2010 3:18:34 PM >

(in reply to Kinkthulhu)

Post #: 12

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 3:17:39 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

VC,

quote:

Bleugh. You know what I, personally, don't like? People who need to put others down to make themselves look better. Your post comes across as pretty self-righteous, OP. What I consider a 'good' submissive is someone who fits with me and the things I want to do in my life, not someone looking around proclaiming how nobody else measures up to some theoretical standard. That's not attractive.

I agree with your post in principle, however, I don't think the OP intended to come across as you're describing. His word choices were perhaps not the best, 'tis true. But, perhaps we could all cut him some slack so he sticks around to post and learn some. Oh, and just to demonstrate how twuly submissive I am, I'll add (with appropriate deference)... pwetty, pwetty pwease? :-)

E.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 13

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 3:31:13 PM

hausboy

Posts: 2360
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

Kinkthulhu....

here's a thread that may be of interest to you...it's a recent thread...still active...and I believe the dialogue addresses some of your question:
It's the thread in the Ask A Submissive called: What does a sub man want?
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3418354/tm.htm

(in reply to Kinkthulhu)

Post #: 14

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 3:38:22 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
I don't think the OP intended to come across as you're describing. His word choices were perhaps not the best, 'tis true. But, perhaps we could all cut him some slack so he sticks around to post and learn some.

Well, being a male (and not a very good submissive one), I'll to point out the three statements that I personally found condescending:

quote:

Well maybe I'm not looking in the right places, or maybe most "sub" males are just retarded.

Someone that isn't a just horny little man seeking his porno-educated fantasies but a level headed individual looking for a strong minded woman to focus his attention on.

Personally I do view the lot of my gender as idiots, probably due to the fact I was raised mostly by women who were treated badly by their man and raised me to do the opposite, but that gets into the psychological realm that would have me rambling for hours.

I was also "raised mostly by women" and I love generalizations.

But "slack", sure, he's already attempting to correct his course.

< Message edited by Twoshoes -- 9/30/2010 3:40:45 PM >

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 15

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 3:45:02 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

E,

What Twoshoes said, really. I'm not convinced you're right. But given that you asked so nicely...

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Post #: 16

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 3:56:02 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

It's probably a split the difference thing. Yes, it may have been phrased better, but the OP certainly isn't the first male sub who wasn't thrilled with the way some of the others in his orientation have come across. Even as a Domme, I shake My head at some others who claim the same categorization. Tell Me that we don't roll our eyes at the "you are all lowly worms who should be grateful for being allowed to speak" type females who seem like they got their idea of "Domme" from bad porn.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 17

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 4:01:35 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Twoshoes,

quote:

Personally I do view the lot of my gender as idiots, probably due to the fact I was raised mostly by women who were treated badly by their man and raised me to do the opposite, but that gets into the psychological realm that would have me rambling for hours.

Missed this part. The OP posted this while I was replying. Hmmm. When trying to plug a few holes in boat, it's best not to drop an anchor through the hull while doing so. I do agree this is rather offensive. But hey, it's got the full, heavy-metal-female-supremacy gamut... "men are idiots", "raised by women who were abused", "got a chip in my shoulder", "trained to revere women". There's a Hollywood movie script in here, or, minimally, the backdrop for a Nine Inch Nails video.

E.

(in reply to Twoshoes)

Post #: 18

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 4:01:39 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

Oh for sure I roll my eyes. But I don't then make a thread solely to point out the difference between them and me. It's not just a question of opinion, it's also a question of behaviour, no?

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 19

RE: Interesting - 9/30/2010 4:09:19 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

VC,

quote:

What Twoshoes said, really. I'm not convinced you're right. But given that you asked so nicely...

See my reply to Twoshoes. Although the OP attempted to iron things out, he actually lost ground with his follow-up. But then again, what do I know. I'm just an "idiot", right?

*quickly sneaks in and symmetrises VC's hair so that she looks SUPER CUTE*

...and apparently an abuser too. :-)

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 9/30/2010 4:12:04 PM >

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 20

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