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Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 3:36:35 PM   
pinniped


Posts: 41
Joined: 9/14/2010
Status: offline 		Got to say, coming back here and taking a look around has not been encouraging.   I've been away some months, and yet it seems like pretty much the same people turn up on my searches, and what new blood there is, seems largely either to be professional (I've nothing against professionals, but it's not what I'm seeking) or very clearly looking for something other than me -- and vice-versa.  I often hear subs criticized for unrealistic expectations.  I wonder if Dommes aren't guilty of the same thing.  They seem to want a successful professional Alpha Male who is willing to be completely submissive and expect nothing in return.  That seems to me as unreasonable as it would be if I expected a woman to let me move in and serve her 24/7 without expecting me to have a job or life outside the home, and cater to all my particular fetishes besides. 

I really do see BDSM as a two-way street, folks.  Yes, I enjoy serving, but I can't really define myself as "service-oriented" in the sense that dominants seem to mean, where I will give 100% attention to her needs and not expect anything in return.  If my needs were fulfilled *only* by serving, I'd go volunteer at a homeless shelter or something.  In fact, I don't mind doing such things from time to time, but it's not what attracts me to BDSM.  (At the very least, I want at least the return of being treated like a servant, in an old-fashioned sense.) 

I have also found it very disappointing over the years to discover that, in the world of FemDom in particular, where you would expect open defiance of gender stereotypes, it still seems to be expected that the man will be the one who takes the initiative in relationships most of the time -- and, frankly, is expected to be the strong, emotionally supportive one who brings home the big paycheck.  I'm shy, and I hate the fact that I have to be the hunter rather than the hunted in the romantic field -- and I've just never been focused on a career.  Relationships, friendships, outside interests are much more important in my life; a job is just a way to get the money I need to pursue those things.  Maybe if I ever found a career I was really passionate about, that would change, but at age 49 I haven't come across it yet, so I'm not holding my breath.

So, are things as hopeless as they look unless I change in ways that might well make me into someone I don't particularly like?  Or are there women out there who might actually be able to accept me as I am?  And are those women likely to be hanging out in a BDSM-themed place, and if not, where do I find them?  Or am I being much too narrow in my perception of what the dominant women here seem to be looking for and I need to dig a lot deeper?

Thanks for listening.  It gets lonely out here.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 3:45:23 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		No. Things are not as hopeless as they look. The vast majority of humans are more interested in what they can get out of a relationship than what they can put into it. That has not changed over time nor does it change because of some demographic like "fem domme". So yeah, a lot of female dommes (and male doms and eveyrone else) will be entirely selfish and antagonistic in their outlook on relationships. Does that really matter?

When I am looking, I only care about those who are capable of being a partner. What I find is that those like me... people who are looking for a partner in life rather than a quick-fix... we all pass by on the "takers". It's like swimming in some little pool. Sure I know the ocean is out there where all kinds of bad things happen... but I'm not swimming there so I don't really care.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 3:50:24 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		You mention two things in your post. A dominant type that wants you at home 24/7 to serve and a dominant type that wants you working to bring home the big bucks. I think you answered a couple questions there. There are different types with requirements to suit what they want. Whether it is fair or right or not is up to whomever they hook up with. Personally I would like a blend of the two! lol I want lots of time to enjoy him and yet I want him to continue working at something for his own benefit. I don't want to support the whole situation like I have in my early days and he must have some income, but it is him I am interested in, not the big bucks.

Again, with the part about the hunt, we do things individually. I talk about my situation in life so that people know before contacting me if they read the damn profile. I don't hunt so to speak because of my health, son, age and where we live. I don't want to put men in a position of having to say, not interested. lol Hell, I don't want to put myself there either! That can get rough after about six months of rejections! I know because I did hunt at one time! Anyone who has read my profile should know a bit about what he might face with me and make his choice on whether to pursue it or run! lol

The same faces... yeah... but with someone or without someone, many of us will remain here because we like it here. Some, like me are a tough fit and some by choice wish to be a tough fit so that when they do find a fit, it is a perfect fit.

I am not looking for a servant or a provider... but a man who would care enough to be either if need be or I wanted that. I don't want to be seen and treated as a dominant fix and I won't see anyone as a submissive fix. It's about people and life in general... who just happen to be dominant and submissive and kinky. No little boxes for me!


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 3:56:12 PM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		Then put yourself in a big box and mail yourself to me.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 3:56:30 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped
So, are things as hopeless as they look unless I change in ways that might well make me into someone I don't particularly like?  Or are there women out there who might actually be able to accept me as I am?  And are those women likely to be hanging out in a BDSM-themed place, and if not, where do I find them?  Or am I being much too narrow in my perception of what the dominant women here seem to be looking for and I need to dig a lot deeper?

Thanks for listening.  It gets lonely out here.

From what I'm reading, you probably will have to make some changes.  The part that sticks out to Me in what you wrote is about preferring to be the hunted, rather than the hunter.  There are many Dommes who prefer to be the huntress, but who is their prey?  It's going to be who they determine is the best catch.  Now, that varies from person to person.  It can be looks, personality, sense of humor, financial situation (yeah, I know I'm going to get blasted for that one, but to some, it's highly important), good conversationalist, character, or whatever combination that they see as most valuable in a partner.  This is no different than anywhere else in the animal kingdom.  Females always select the best to mate with.

In FemDom, you have to consider something that isn't the same as the rest.  This isn't a one to one ratio world.  The numbers really aren't stacked in your favor.  That means if you are Joe Average, who is shy and reserved, somebody else is going to beat you to what you want by making themselves stand out. 

The worst thing a male submissive can do is sit back and hope that somebody will notice them.  It really doesn't work that way.  While you're waiting for someone to notice you, other submissives are vying for that Domme's attention.  Being complacent just allows you to fall into the background of obscurity.  And, as you said, it gets lonely there.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 3:59:56 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Then put yourself in a big box and mail yourself to me.


LOL! No! You have to come to me! I like black and red packaging! Jump to it now!


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 4:14:49 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped
Or are there women out there who might actually be able to accept me as I am?  And are those women likely to be hanging out in a BDSM-themed place, and if not, where do I find them? 

Do you accept you as you are?  Serious question.  If not, it'll be that much harder for someone else to accept you -- women don't really dig the "something's wrong with me" vibe.

One thing I did to be more attractive to women was that I cut back the time I was spending in front of the computer and went to the gym more.  This might sound like very snotty "advice" but I don't mean it that way.  Every hour of exercise I put in is making my life longer and my body healthier, regardless of whether I have a partner.  You might consider adding a habit into your own life that does the same thing.

Don't expect online kink to connect you to any relationship.  There are a handful of people who have gotten married through this site.  A handful, and there's maybe 100,000 hits a day on the personals side.  If you want to find someone, you will have to explore venues other than the internet.  Can you start volunteering at all the local kink events in your area?


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 4:53:34 PM   
pyroaquatic


Posts: 1535
Joined: 12/4/2006
From: Pyroaquatica
Status: offline 		I gave my savings to a woman who said she was of a celestial nature. She disappeared. Despite all of the BS she loaded on to me... psh.

After the money was blown she screamed at me every time I looked at her.
I gave everything but it was for naught.

Realistically? Unrealistic?
I'm still broke and the money trickles in. I'm not opening my wallet any longer because there is nothing but dust there.

Realistically I suffer when exposed to large crowds and I have a hard time
dealing with the public. I'm so shaky, tense, and sweaty that I can't function correctly.

Comparing my self to a gem is laughable because over the past year many of my encounters have decided they do not want me.

So that leaves my role in the relationship as a househusband and meatshield which is a dime a dozen. Wait, Submissive Males are a dime a dozen. Pass on by you'll find a better one that is not broken and warped and has money, cars, and sanity.

Asking me to have faith in humanity after experiencing what occurred?
That is an unrealistic expectation.

Getting exactly what I want: which is to be completely and forcibly taken and forced to surrender. i'll resist at first so it will be fun.)?
Unrealistic. God forbid I have fantasies of my own, or a place to call my own.

I'm guarding my heart and wallet this round. I am not instasub or crushed mealworm.

At this point I don't expect anything from anyone. It is less painful that way.

_____________________________

You are what your deep, driving desire is.
As your desire is, so is your will.
As your will is, so is your deed.
As your deed is, so is your destiny.
-Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV.4.5

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 5:09:54 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline 		I know that this is "Ask a Mistress", and you were probably looking for feedback from women only, but please allow me to add my 2 cents.

I am a male sub, and I have found that many (in my experience, MOST) dominant females still desire to be pursued.  This has always seemed odd to me.  In a classical model where men are in charge, the men do the pursuing.  So you would think that in a female dominant situation, the onus would naturally be on the female to do the pursuing.  But I have often found this to not be the case.

Perhaps it is because even dominant women still harbor Cinderella fantasies.  Maybe they still desire to be swept off their feet by a handsome prince, even though they intend to fuck him with their strap-on once they get him home.

Based on this, your shy nature probably works against you.  You would probably have greater success if you were more assertive.  Add to that the fact that you say that you aren't very career oriented.  As shallow as it may sound, many women are still attracted to men who make a lot of money.  So you will have to really emphasize your other great qualities in order to stand out from the crowd.

So think about what makes you great, then make sure that those points jump out from your profile.  After all, the ladies on here don't know you.  All they know is what you write in your profile.  So keep it positive, and make it count.

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 5:31:57 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		lol... You would be surprised how many women let men think they are the pursuer! It's a different kind of arranged relationship!

Just sayin....


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 6:01:03 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I just read some top notch responses in this thread. I'd like to add that I feel for you OP, I have been here long enough to know about the imbalance in the numbers game - lots of male subs, fewer women Dommes- and I also understand how your personality could hinder you in getting your desires for companionship fulfilled. I spent a lot of my life being shy and it's not a small task to just go against everything that you are in order to get something. But...as the good people here have said, you probably do need to switch things up and go out looking for what you want while emphasizing and/or enhancing your good qualities. You've got to stand out somehow or be prepared to see your status quo remain the same.

I'd have to echo the advice as well to get out into real life events. If what you are doing isn't bearing fruit then change something. A 'package' such as yours, where you admit that you don't quite fit a standard make or model, is easier to present to someone else during a conversation and it's more easily accepted. Online we are all reduced to pixels and a collection of personal facts, it is so simple and painless to say people are worth our time or not based on a few sentences in a profile. Meeting someone in person gives you a foot in the door right away so to speak, your 'flaws' aren't obvious and  you are judged perhaps on who you are - which is what you want, yes?

< Message edited by lizi -- 10/3/2010 6:03:51 PM >

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 6:17:56 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline 		I think . . . I think . . . that what people really want in relationships is a really good friend, but one with whom they can have fun in bed.  Or maybe that's just what I've come to realise that I want.  

. . .I think. 

_____________________________

http://www.domme-chronicles.com


(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 9:50:42 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped
So, are things as hopeless as they look unless I change in ways that might well make me into someone I don't particularly like?  Or are there women out there who might actually be able to accept me as I am? 


Depends on what you are.  If you are unwashed, ill mannered, poorly dressed, out of shape and non self supporting, then you're not desirable relationship material.  If you're any of these things, it's going to hurt your chances.  Simple fact of life, and it's even more true for dominant women than for vanilla women, as we have so many more subby boys working to attract our attention.

You shouldn't try to change into someone you're fundamentally not, but you should focus in improving yourself to be more desirable.  Physical fitness really helps, and it's good for you besides, so get your ass moving if you want to look hotter.  Being intelligent and well mannered, able to be entertaining and fun to be around, likewise.   Developing useful service skills in directions you are already inclined in never hurts your chances.  Possibly most importantly, get your ass out into the real world BDSM community and make friends.   If you're not inclined to hunt and court, just make friends, and put yourself out there while focusing on self-improvement to make yourself more desirable to women.  If you do a good enough job on the self-improvement, in ways that are ultimately healthy and good for you as well as attractive to a partner, you are quite likely to see better results.


_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 9:55:09 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I think . . . I think . . . that what people really want in relationships is a really good friend, but one with whom they can have fun in bed.  Or maybe that's just what I've come to realise that I want.  

. . .I think. 


I think you are right; and as simple as that seems, it is much more difficult to achieve. That ideal balance is one that I am seeking as well and I usually find one or the other but not both in one person.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 9:55:12 PM   
LadyNTrainer


Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009
Perhaps it is because even dominant women still harbor Cinderella fantasies.  Maybe they still desire to be swept off their feet by a handsome prince, even though they intend to fuck him with their strap-on once they get him home.


Oh hells no.  The minute a man comes on to me aggressively, or tries to "sweep me off my feet", the chemistry's gone and I'm no longer attracted.  I have to be the pursuer, and he has to be too shy to make a move on me, he has to let me do all the pursuing, or I'm seriously turned off.  I don't think any attraction I had could survive being aggressively courted.


_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to Rochsub2009)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 10:55:11 PM   
pinniped


Posts: 41
Joined: 9/14/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for the thoughtful responses.  I know getting out in the "real" world is important, but it's even more difficult for me there -- at the moment, on a practical level, as I'm dependent on public transit (and I know that right there is probably a big down-check for a lot of women), but even when I wasn't, my attempts in this area were not particularly successful.  I don't mix well with people I don't know.  It always seems that all the women at such events are already taken, and I don't generally try to horn my way in; and I'm terrible at starting new friendships.  I've had a few good experiences, mind, but they involved people with whom I know anything long-term or ongoing is not in the cards.  (In one case, shortly after we met, the lady involved lost all interest in BDSM -- apart from just not being interested in me sexually or romantically anyhow.  Though we are still good friends, so it was by no means a total waste.)    And I have the kind of anxiety that just makes walking in the door to a room where I don't know anyone a pretty major challenge. 

I'm well aware of the numeric disadvantage.  (This is nothing new for me.  Most of my social life has revolved around science fiction fandom, where men also significantly outnumber women -- though it's a lot better nowadays than it was a few decades back.)  (Then again, I think organized science fiction fandom is dying out, as it's gone too mainstream, and the few hard-core fans coming up tend to specialize in one narrow interest, at least at a time...but I digress.)  I just also know that getting involved emotionally with a woman who turns out not to have any interest whatsoever in kink is not a real option for me. 

That doesn't mean I'm not confident I don't have some things absolutely going for me.  I am intelligent, my interests are very wide-ranging, I like good conversations on almost any topic, I have a great sense of humor, I communicate well, I can pass for reasonably normal when I need to, and I'm told I give pretty good foot massages.  But getting that all across to someone, or having it be enough to spark an interest...well, I haven't exactly had women, kinky or otherwise, seeming to take any particular interest in quite some time.  I was reading a book a while back that advised that you have to start by knowing that you're attractive.  Unfortunately, I have the kind of empirical mind that finds it difficult to believe that when all the evidence has made it pretty clear that I don't actually attract.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 11:15:43 PM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped

That doesn't mean I'm not confident I don't have some things absolutely going for me.  I am intelligent, my interests are very wide-ranging, I like good conversations on almost any topic, I have a great sense of humor, I communicate well, I can pass for reasonably normal when I need to, and I'm told I give pretty good foot massages. 


Write this down. Read it, say it, look in the mirror and say it again. Every morning, every chance you get during the day or night and before bed. Keep repeating it to yourself. You have to believe it before you can get someone else to believe it.

All the other things you said, tell me you don't believe it. You are too busy downgrading yourself for you to really believe the good things you say about yourself. One step at a time... build yourself. So you are having a rough time. Lots of people do and are. Now stop that and start repeating the good things. Find a new good thing to add to the list every week if not more often. Look for the good things about yourself. Stop listening to the bad voice or self talk. Don't allow it.

I'm not saying to not be realistic.. because you need to be, but is all that bad realistic? It's time to focus on the real things about yourself, highlight the good things, work on the bad things and not expect people to compensate for the areas in which you feel are lacking. How can you expect others to give you a chance when you aren't giving yourself a chance?

When you find yourself more in balance... you will be amazed at the response you get.

I don't care what a man has. I never have cared. I make my way in the world and I no longer have much of anything, so how could I make it so more expected of a man. I am not the only poor woman out there. What I am not poor in is spirit, love, accomplishments, humor, wisdom and heart. I won't take less in another person and I won't expect more in another. Find it... you are not the only one with little. So make yourself all you can be and you can't be all you can be with the attitude you are displaying.

I am not saying this to be unkind, but you really need to stop wallowing in your own mind if you are going to think of the negatives that prevent this and that and then comes blame. Time to move it on up and you are the only one that can do that.


_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!


(in reply to pinniped)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/3/2010 11:34:11 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I am a hunter, I admit it. If I am interested, I make it clear. it has to work both ways, though. If I ask someone out and they turn me down once, I *might* keep showing interest, but if he doesn't reciprocate, I figure it's "just not that into you."

Submissive men grew up in the same atmosphere of male entitlement as dominant men. Why do so many of them think it's wise to play the coy maiden? A little polite proactivity goes a long way.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]



(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/4/2010 12:13:33 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I think . . . I think . . . that what people really want in relationships is a really good friend, but one with whom they can have fun in bed.  Or maybe that's just what I've come to realise that I want.  

. . .I think. 


I don't think that this is true in every case, it is certainly true in mine though.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to PeonForHer)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Unrealistic expectations - 10/4/2010 12:20:42 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: pinniped

That doesn't mean I'm not confident I don't have some things absolutely going for me.  I am intelligent, my interests are very wide-ranging, I like good conversations on almost any topic, I have a great sense of humor, I communicate well, I can pass for reasonably normal when I need to, and I'm told I give pretty good foot massages. 


Write this down. Read it, say it, look in the mirror and say it again. Every morning, every chance you get during the day or night and before bed. Keep repeating it to yourself. You have to believe it before you can get someone else to believe it.


Fantastic advice.

To the OP:

It seems that you've a ton of goodness to offer someone, don't give up.

In many respects, I think that those of us who are both kinky and looking for a real world relationship have a much much harder time finding the right partner, because that partner needs to be a match for us in vanilla terms as well as kinky terms.

Some might disagree, but I reckon this makes it a hell of a lot harder to find the right match. I can only say "don't give up!" and take Lockit's wonderful advice.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to Lockit)
Profile   Post #: 20
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