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I am what I am... - 9/28/2004 6:26:14 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

My name came to me in a blinding flash of insight...after driving home from a "singles bar" vowing never to do THAT again!
I decided it was time for me to find the Lifestyle in my area, stop 'switching' and accept the Power I wanted all my life.

[written by Lady Whipenrod]

Greetings, all-

Milady Whipenrod wrote the above in response to Knee's 'How did you decide on a BDSM name' thread, and it really rang a chord in me.

I too came to a point in my life where I realised that this stuff was not something I did anymore- it had become who I was.

In '94 I was coming oput of a long term relationship with someone who was a 'good sport' about this stuff- she was perfectly happy to submit to me, and enjoyed it, but it really wasn't what she needed for her self (In retrospect, I'll take that over someone who really wants this stuff and is really conflicted about it<g>).

Prior to that point in my life, I always tied up my dates on the third time we slept together (unless I knew that she was into this stuff), and introduced it very slowly and casually. I'd say that most of the reactions were favorable, but when it wasn't good, I'd drop it and continue to work with the relationship.

Around then, I formed a new policy. First date, before dinner, I tell her that there are two issues she has to consider- 1] I have herpes, and 2] I like to tie women up, and it is a core part of my sexuality. In most cases, she is aware to some extent of one or the other issue, or both, but for me, while I enjoy introducing people to this stuff, she has to be ready to understand that it's part of the package, That is is who I am, and not just something I do.

How do you deal with introducing it? do you ever date outside the scene?

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-
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RE: I am what I am... - 9/28/2004 8:49:23 AM   
strongnsubmissiv


Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

How do you deal with introducing it? do you ever date outside the scene?

Stay warm,
Lawrence



It's interesting to read the different stories of how we all try and deal with this different feeling inside of us. Eventually though the inevitable happens and we realize that this is a need and not a want, and accept the fact that it's not selfishness that made that conclusion. "When" we discover this however seems to happen to us at different times in our lives, sometimes when our responsibility lies with a family we've already started. (another topic entirely)
That said Lawrence, if i found myself in a position to be dating, i'd not consider a vanilla relationship at all, or even date outside the scene. I mean, if it's freshwater fish you are after, tossing your line into an ocean just for the sake of fishing will be unfulfilling. My days of trying to convert the vanilla are over, because at the end of the day, even a converted vanilla partner will not be fulfilling. I have to know She wants me to be this way, as much as i want Her to. That will be the starting point of any future relationship for me.
The hard part is finding the REAL ones that are in our "scene". :o)

sns

_____________________________

*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: I am what I am... - 9/28/2004 11:01:06 AM   
Goodmix


Posts: 86
Joined: 8/4/2004
Status: offline 		i'm not sure if this will help, but this is how it was intorduced to me.

After my divorce, i met a guy on line dating (vanilla) who told me He "wasn't a tradtional lover". Of course i had to ask what that meant. I had considered myself to be sexually open minded, and He sent me an exercise (on masterbation) which i was to follow to the letter and write back what i had experinced during the exercise. I did. (i guess i should mention that i had not had an orgasm at that point in my life ~ i was 40).
It was a safe place to start in the lifestyle because it was slow, and becasue i didn't even realize that i was giving & following orders. i think this was ALWAYS inside of me. i had always had fantacies about bondage and about not being in control, but vanilla men are so predictable that i always was the one controlling them.
However, i could not contol HIM and i was hooked. i was to new in the lifestyle to know many things and He was serious about it. It was not a game to Him. it ended quickly and i have been on a journey for knowlege ever since. it has been 2 1/2 years. i have twice tried vannila again, but now that i know what i am missing..... i can't go back.

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: I am what I am... - 9/28/2004 11:43:00 AM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

I like this topic - perhaps I have latent voyoeurist tendencies.

My first (and only) D/s relationship was a few years ago with a gentleman I met and started dating with absolutely no knowledge, not even a glimmer, of D/s. From the first date, he made decisions about what and when, and how, etc. Over the next few months, his "control" of our time together increased. Occassionally, he would ask if I had any objections and the answer was always no, I reveled in the overt demonstration of his decisiviness, his authority. During this time, his authority extended more and more into our intimate time together as well. I was a very happy camper with the way things were going. One day, he brought up the subject of his controlling things and we talked during which time he explained his need to be in control, to be the primary and final decision maker and I discussed how I was blossoming and very content under the arrangement. We both agreed that the sexual aspects of our relationship were pretty great - role play, bondage, a little pain and punishment for me and a little public sex for him - these things were FUN.

We were together for just about three years. The breakup was bad as he grew conflicted about his needs, especially some of the sensation and sexual ones, found religion and that was that.

In my past, I was with men who were spineless and I hated that I was the"boss." I would do bizzarre pushy things in an effort to make them make me stop. When they did not do so, I was disappointed, I lost respect for them them and was unhappy with myself. I would then determine that I would *not* under any circumstance be bossy and found that set me up to be taken advantage of because the preception was that I was clingy or weak.

Knowing I did not want to repeat the past and wanting what I had, but not sure what it was exactly and how I fit into it, why it fit me, I took a couple years off dating completely. During this time, I recovered from the breakup and when I was ready to try again, I decided that I had to spend time in research, learning about what I wanted, why I wanted it, and how to find it on purpose, not by accident.

I do not think I could go back to being in plain "vanilla" relationships with the idea of being an "equal" decision making partner. Never do I wish to be called names for my sexual nature, nor be considered weak for my submissive self. Having discovered and learned this part of myself, past ignorance and denial are past indeed.

As it is the external authority/power/comtrol of my partner that I need and want most, I am not interested in only play and I do not wish to be the submissive passed from dom hand to dom hand (and tools and other parts). Sometimes the searching part is tiresome and discouraging, but most of the time, I am hopeful that I will find the relationship that meets my needs and, in doing so, meet the needs of my partner.

newflowers

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: I am what I am... - 9/28/2004 12:02:03 PM   
theroebabe


Posts: 3155
Joined: 7/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat

I too came to a point in my life where I realised that this stuff was not something I did anymore- it had become who I was.

How do you deal with introducing it? do you ever date outside the scene?

Stay warm,
Lawrence


Hi Lawrence,

Well for me, when i decided to pursue this deep dark part of me, i realized wham thats what has been missing all my life! so i knew going back to vanilla was going to be as unfullfilling as it always had been so why bother.

So my answer is i do not date vanilla, it doesnt give me anything benificial.

PS pst pst looking around here, i wonder where those books went to i cant seem to find them anywhere? hmm will have to ask again i suppose?

< Message edited by theroebabe -- 9/28/2004 1:54:35 PM >

_____________________________

Roe

People always ask me why I do these things . . .
It's because I can!

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RE: I am what I am... - 9/28/2004 1:24:51 PM   
Kinkypupper


Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline 		There HAS to be more there then "just" the "kink" One has to "click"
with the other. have similar other interests.. every DOM and every
subbie is totally different with their own different opinions of what
they do and do not want or need.
Even those heavily into the "GOR" lifestyle have to accept the
realitys of our society and its underlying rules.
That first introduction is in reality I think the hardest and to
start a level of trust with the other .Honesty is a huge issue also.
Even in a "open" group setting just the fears of mistrust can destroy
a great thing. but the first introduction to a possable new "partner"
is the biggest hurdle. If that clicks then great it may or may not go
further on its own accord.
But to "grow" and develope that HAS to be other mutual things.
phil

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: I am what I am... - 9/28/2004 7:02:49 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: topcat
How do you deal with introducing it? do you ever date outside the scene?


My dear dear Lawrence.

We had this conversation not too long ago when I told you I was conflicted because I met someone who seemed subservient but I wanted to introduce it to him slowly. You responded by telling me your 1st date declaration.

Well regarding this boy, I never really got to expose my true nature to him, be it my BDSM lifestyle, my sexual past, my ambisexuality, etc. I think I scared him off for a whole different lot of reasons, mainly because I asked him to communicate! Go figure ;)

But recently I met another boy in a vanilla setting and I didn't sugar coat who I was one bit. I came right out and said it all in our first conversation. He would say something like "well kinky is good but not whips though... " and I would respond with "that's cause you've never felt the delicious sting of a whip boy". And I watched his eyes light up. Now I’m the one who has to remind him that this journey is one step at a time.

Our little talk that night reminded me that the masks have to fall right away in order to have an open and honest communication and relationship. It also reminded me to embrace my true nature and that it is probably what the other was attracted to in the first place.

Thanks my friend.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I am what I am... - 9/28/2004 8:22:43 PM   
here2domin8


Posts: 50
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: Fall River, MA
Status: offline
quote:

How do you deal with introducing it? do you ever date outside the scene?


I usually work in a few scene related questions real early on when meeting someone new. I don't hide who I am from people and am very open about my sexuality so these kinds of comments and questions are not unusual from me for those who know me. I'll ask something like "So, when was the last time you let someone tie you up?" and see where that goes.

As far as dating outside the scene, my dominance isn't something I can turn off. It is in all that I am.

quote:

That is is who I am, and not just something I do.


You hit the nail on the head there. It's part of me and I provide everyone the opportunity to know as much or as little about me as they chose.

not really sure if that answered the question re: dating;
If I am to be romantically interested in someone they have to share at least some level of enthusiasm for certain activities. So, I guess my answer would be no.

< Message edited by here2domin8 -- 9/28/2004 8:27:35 PM >

_____________________________

If you believe everything you read, better not read.

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RE: I am what I am... - 9/29/2004 6:40:36 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

It also reminded me to embrace my true nature and that it is probably what the other was attracted to in the first place


My sweet Lady Angelika-

I'd be saddened to think you weren't embracing your true nature- that you were shying away from the wonder that you are.

These days, in my trips into the mundane milieu <sp?>, I don't make as much of an effort to 'hint' at my predilections, but I do try to be as open about them as I can, and often, in many instances, my tastes are well enough known locally that she should have some clue.

I usually give the 'there's two things you should know..' speech when discussing a first date, lately, just leaving the SM component as "I like to tie women up" and "I am very demanding sexually", which I consider fair warning, and not likely to frighten someone off.

Please, do embrace your true nature- and

Stay warm,
Lawrence

< Message edited by topcat -- 9/29/2004 6:41:01 AM >

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: I am what I am... - 9/29/2004 9:40:40 AM   
NoCalOwner


Posts: 241
Status: offline 		In theory, I am not at all opposed to vanilla, if only because I love corrupting. However, because I already have a slave and am honest, only dirty girls who deserve a spanking get involved with me.

So sure, I would do it, but the truly vanilla will not be a part of my future.

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I am what I am... - 9/29/2004 10:25:13 AM   
happypervert


Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline 		Sure, I'll date out of the scene. The way you described the way you were is the way I am. The thing is for me is that I'm not really comfortable with a lot of people, so I don't want to limit the pool of gals too much as I go mate shopping because what's most important is finding someone I really "click" with. So I'll date vanilla gals, but they definitely have to be "good sports" like you described.

By the way, am I the only one who saw the title of this thread and said "I am what I am . . . I'm Popeye the sailor man"?

< Message edited by happypervert -- 9/29/2004 11:54:07 AM >

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: I am what I am... - 9/29/2004 1:40:29 PM   
strongnsubmissiv


Posts: 197
Joined: 9/8/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: happypervert


By the way, am I the only one who saw the title of this thread and said "I am what I am . . . I'm Popeye the sailor man"?




Funny hp... i thought to myself "... and it's all that i am"

That's all i can stands and i can't stands no more.. :P

sns

_____________________________

*** Strong and submissive are not contradictions ***

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RE: I am what I am... - 9/29/2004 4:48:11 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Dear Strong-

I was going to call it "I Am That I Am", but thought that a bit much...

Stay Warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to strongnsubmissiv)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 4:22:00 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I'd be saddened to think you weren't embracing your true nature- that you were shying away from the wonder that you are.


Lawrence,

Thanks for the kind words once again. A true gentleman you are. A sadistic and deviant one, but a gentleman nonetheless. The best kind in my book!

I guess sometimes we try to soften the blow (pun intended) when we are looking for a compatible mate.

I just had to come to the realisation that a compatible mate for me didn't require that I soften the blow. One that adores me for all my strength and warped mind.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 7:41:11 AM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: strongnsubmissiv
My days of trying to convert the vanilla are over, because at the end of the day, even a converted vanilla partner will not be fulfilling.


Sorry to drag this off topic somewhat. But the converting point is interesting to me. As a Witch I am against converting anyone. Not so much for the traditional reasons but because I feel this is something too personal to enforce (even slightly) on anyone. I really believe you have to do it your own way.

But, why is it acceptable for people to convert "vanilla" people to BDSM? What gives anyone the right to enforce their ways on someone else or to think their way is right for another person?

I can't say I've never introduced the subject into a relationship. But I didn't go beyond that. I mentioned it and left it lying there to be picked up or discarded. I would not have mentioned it again unless they did. I'm quite strongly against the idea of converting anyone to BDSM or Paganism.

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Bait & Switch - Adult column

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RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 7:48:33 AM   
asecreter


Posts: 28
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

...why is it acceptable for people to convert "vanilla" people to BDSM?


This seems to imply that one could actually "convert" the unwilling. At best, I'd venture that it's possible to help someone along in a direction they're already traveling, otherwise the idea would completely defeat it's own purpose. Forget a submissive that doesn't genuinely WANT to be a submissive, what about a Dom/me that didn't WANT to Dom? *Grin*

(in reply to Laura)
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RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 7:50:48 AM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		Actually, meeting people online has the advantage for me. I just give them my writing URLs and let them get back to me, or not. lol I don't write what some of you would label my "vanilla" columns any more. So it's not nicely balanced with the adult content these days.

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RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 7:54:31 AM   
Laura


Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: asecreter

This seems to imply that one could actually "convert" the unwilling.


You've never regretted a decision, wished you never knew about something? I still have conflicts about what a "nice grrl" does and if I'm still a nice grrl if I... Likely I will always have this conflict. Not unlike the idea of when I die what if I find out I was wrong all along...

I'm willing to take my chances but I don't feel I have the right to make someone else make the same decisions.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

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RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 8:57:52 AM   
realophelia


Posts: 168
Status: offline 		If I were looking again (which hopefully I won't be) I would confine myself to guys I knew to be experienced Dominants. I have had the experience of trying to get vanilla guys to do BDSM. At best I found myself being humored. At worst people found it disturbing.

I can see why Dom/mes might like the idea of teaching some inexperienced innocent but I haven't found that it works very well when the positions are reversed.

Take care :)
Ophelia

(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 10:56:12 AM   
Destinysskeins


Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline 		Greetings,

First, i'm going to agree with Lady Angelika and Topcat, in regards to remaining open to vanilla companions but in doing so being open about your BDSM needs.

About a month ago i agreed to meet a local Man for drinks (and a ride on His bike *woohoo!*) one night. While talking and sipping drinks i dropped a few comments tipping my hat to my interest in BDSM. *grins goofishly* i'll admit that they weren't the most illustrous comments - i actually used the 'cowboys & indians' metaphor and then alluded to 'taking my cowboys & indians seriously'. *laughs* Ok, so this was the first time that i'd tried to introduce BDSM concepts to a seemingly completely vanilla person - in person (i'm a bit more brave online!).

As it happens, things have been turning out beautifully. We've a bit over a month together now, see each other about every other day and are still happily exploring each other and our desires. As it turns out, He'd had thoughts, ideas & fantasies that (had He realized it before) fall into the BDSM realm very nicely - He'd just never had anyone open to exploring such things before. *grins* i did have to chuckle to myself as He walked around my kitchen one night with a hankerchief in hand, a look of devious plotting on His face. (my, oh my does the teacher/student table turn quickly!)

Soooo.....perhaps i'm just lucky that i ran into a latent Dominant personality or perhaps there's more such people (both Dom/me & sub) that have such desires but have not been able to realize them and are just ripe for the picking! i'm gonna wager on the latter since all of us (ok, most!) of us were hapless uninitiated prospects at one time.

(in reply to realophelia)
Profile   Post #: 20
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