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RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 3:54:56 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

all of us (ok, most!) of us were hapless uninitiated prospects at one time.

Exactly. I've never converted anyone to BDSM. I've simply opened the door for some and it is up to them to follow, and only when I felt that they were responding to subtle cues.

When I met my current boy, he mentioned how he loved strong women, active women, women that didn't just lay there and take it but women who knew what they wanted and just took it. I responded with something along the lines of "do you like to be dominated then?" to which he responded to something along the lines of "it's always been a fantasy of mine..."

I opened the door for him to explore his fantasy.

Let me tell you that his initiation to the lifestyle is much more safe, sane & consensual then mine. By far!!

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Destinysskeins)

Post #: 21

RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 5:18:02 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

I'm definitely self initiated. Sorry if you had a bad experience.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 22

RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 5:24:36 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Sweet Destiny-

Hooray!

That's one less redhead in the world I have to worry about!

It's so great to hear that good things are going on for you.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to Destinysskeins)

Post #: 23

RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 5:27:19 PM

SubAngel84

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline

Yeah I wasn't really initiated in either, my friend just suggested it one day while we were talking he asked if I was submissive and explained how he liked being in control. Before I knew it I realized I not only was submissive but I liked the control he had on me and that I had alot of these fantasies growing up. I always felt guilty for having them though, that's what happens when you grow up in a Catholic environment. He brought me into a new world I really knew about but surpressed because I felt I was doing something bad.

I watched the movie "Secretary" last night for the first time and realized how much of that remined me of myself and it got me upset because I felt like a freak, cause if my family and friends knew about this fetish of mine they would probably disown me or something. I guess that's another reason I'm fairly scared of a bdsm relationship like the topic I started. It's hard to find someone to talk to about it, which is why I'm glad I found this place. :)

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 24

RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 6:44:49 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

Families really do complicate things. I can't tell mine anything any more. They want you to fit into the nice grrl mould and if you crack the mould even slightly there is something seriously wrong and bad about you. I talked about being Pagan and that shook them up but the weeble wobbled back into place, more or less. I told them I wrote erotica and that was too much. For a long time I was 'dirty' and it took awhile for them to decide I wasn't bad. They don't know I still write erotica and they have no idea that the men I meet are from BDSM sites and so on. It really does give you a lot to work on with your own self image. It's a joke really. People who meet me say I'm so nice, sweet, etc. Most have no idea who I really am. I guess we are all like that. Or that's what I assume.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to SubAngel84)

Post #: 25

RE: I am what I am... - 9/30/2004 7:14:15 PM

LadyBeckett

Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline

quote:

Around then, I formed a new policy. First date, before dinner, I tell her that there are two issues she has to consider- 1] I have herpes, and 2] I like to tie women up, and it is a core part of my sexuality. In most cases, she is aware to some extent of one or the other issue, or both, but for me, while I enjoy introducing people to this stuff, she has to be ready to understand that it's part of the package, That it is who I am, and not just something I do.

You see, Lawrence, that is precisely why you have the title "Chaps & Class". Because you are so delicious to look at, and have the most charming and brilliant way of presenting things.

I've mentioned the pretty caramel colored boy that I've been interacting with recently on another post. He's been here every evening this week. Not so "oddly" when I first met him he "thought" he was "vanilla". Now, like Angelika's boy, he asked questions, and his eyes literally light up when he gets the answers, not to mention other enthusiastic reactions.

I didn't convert this boy. It just happened naturally. Now when he sits at my feet talking to me he doesn't say, "I can't believe you're a Mistress!" in amazement. He says, "I can't believe you're 52, Lady Beckett!"

I had him holding my yarn as I knitted a scarf for my grand daughter.

When males meet me they feel that something different right from the beginning. I am a dominant Woman, the BDSM lifestyle is a reality in my life, and it is absolutely who I am. I don't see any reason to save that as a surprise for later.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 26

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 4:04:44 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I'm definitely self initiated. Sorry if you had a bad experience.

My experience was my experience. I never said it was a bad one. I would probably describe it more as challenging. It made me discover many things at a relatively young age. I think the tough experiences make us grow.

The thing is, that eventually I would have found myself in this realm on my own if only because of my curious nature.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 27

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 4:11:27 AM

Suleiman

Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

Families really do complicate things. I can't tell mine anything any more. ... I talked about being Pagan and that shook them up but the weeble wobbled back into place, more or less. I told them I wrote erotica and that was too much.

I think one of the most akward moments in my young adult life was attending my first play party and meeting dommes who had topped my mother. "Your HER son? How cute!"

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 28

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 4:54:19 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Suleiman

quote:

ORIGINAL: Laura

Families really do complicate things. I can't tell mine anything any more. ... I talked about being Pagan and that shook them up but the weeble wobbled back into place, more or less. I told them I wrote erotica and that was too much.

I think one of the most akward moments in my young adult life was attending my first play party and meeting dommes who had topped my mother. "Your HER son? How cute!"

Suleiman... how hilarious is that!

I think one of my most awkward moments was getting home for dinner one evening when I was 20 years old and my mother telling me one of my father's business associates was coming over for dinner with her partner. Imagine how flushed I was when I realised I had had a kinky threesome with those two women less then two weeks prior. We all kept our cool but it was obvious we all new each other.

A month later, the kinky duo set me up with a 24-year-old girl (which was closer to my own age… they were about 15 years older then me) and sent the same girl to my father for financial advice, all this unknown to any of us (sneaky bitches!!). When she came to pick me up one evening, she had seen my father earlier that day. My father started to put the pieces of the puzzle together and eventually, I came out to my parents about my sexual orientation, which was lesbian at the time, and they both took it very well.

I came out again seven years later as bi. My poor parents! I still keep the really intimate stuff from them. But my mom will ask "so are you dating a man or a woman these days?" which I think is so very adorable. She is way more open minded then most people I know. I know for a fact however that she wouldn't understand sadomasochism.

I think in all, it has to do with testing the openness of your immediate circle. I feel I am lucky that they accept so much of me. I’ve made choices in my life that make it that I don’t live according to a set normal way, whether it be my sexual orientation, my kinky side, my atheist approach to life, my outspokenness, etc. I expect a little backlash and intolerance but I don’t let it get to me anymore. I try not to tell people more then what they can handle and I think they appreciate that.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 10/1/2004 4:55:10 AM >

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to Suleiman)

Post #: 29

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 5:33:31 AM

cynnacent1

Posts: 340
Joined: 6/25/2004
From: Massachusetts
Status: offline

Being that i am a very happily owned submissive in a 24/7 D/s committment and there is no question in either of O/our minds of it being a permanent relationship, i can only answer on a hypothetical note, and/or site past vanilla relationships. However.......

Of two failed vanilla (one of which was barely even vanilla as his sexual interest was hardly even existant) relationships, (the first lasting for 4 years, the second ending after 5 years) the sex was boring, sporatic at best, and both partners had no interest in taking control although i did suggest openly that they could & should. The realtionships each started as an equal arrangement of power exchange with an equality existant in all decision making. Due to my feelings of not being satisfied in or out of the bedroom, my views of them being less than 'real men', my discontentment with how easily i was allowed to order them around and make most of the decisions out of the bedroom as well as having to always take the lead while in the bedroom ( and hell! i wanted to play OUTSIDE of the bedroom EVEN..) led to my feeling quite resentful and cheated out of any ability to express my highly erotic & sensual desires. During the last relationship i'd even had thoughts of possibly requesting an agreement for us to have an 'open relationship'. i knew that would not work for me though as i have always been quite monagamous, and take much pride in belonging to another.. plus i do not share well with others either. Both realtionships obviously were doomed from the start. At least during the last relationship i had finally realized what *my problem* was... lol. i still recall the day i left (things between he & i had grown quite ugly by then as even though their was no relationship/no love left between us, he did not wish for the so called relationship to end) and his words as i finally walked out the door never to return, he said, "You have another man, i KNOW it!". i replied with, "Umm... NO hun'.. YOU are simply not man ENOUGH.". i know that sounds harsh, but the man was in my humble opinion, a cold fish with serious issues involving intimacy who had only wished for a woman to cook, clean, run the household and raise children (he never understood the importance of being friends, or the sharing of intimacy, nor the importance of growing together -- i am sure he STILL does not understand-- and therefore we grew apart instead. These issues WERE brought to his attention and he swore a million times to work harder and never changed a thing. It took 5 years for me to realize that he could not change. A hard lesson learned but a lesson learned on my part none the less.).

During that last relationship, as he and i had grown apart.. i grew in many ways as he stood stagnent. During my time of growth i learned about myself. i learned what it was i had been seeking. i then educated myself as best as i could, filled my noggin with all of the information i could find on the subject of BDSM & in particular D/s etc ect, formed tight friendships online with those already having an understanding of such, and finally put the 'missing pieces' of myself together.

i then found collarme, found the perfect One ( INSIDEYOURMIND

)for me, and am enjoying an unbelievabley wonderful journey with Him that is filled with much love, respect, honor, and a sense of completeness at last.

Would i ever go back to vanilla? HELL NO! This is why i ended up registering at collarme in the first place.

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 30

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 7:52:04 AM

newflowers

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

But, why is it acceptable for people to convert "vanilla" people to BDSM? What gives anyone the right to enforce their ways on someone else or to think their way is right for another person?

Laura,

Do you think it is possible to convert someone whose does not already have the inclination, or desire, hidden somehwere inside?

I tend to think that forcing someone is is opposed and not at all interested would serve the opposite effect of repelling them from BDSM. I can see that it might interest someone who will then later play with the ideas, and I can see that someone who has dominant or submissive (or both) natures unrecognized will be interested.

I hope I'm not hijacking the thread here - what are the thoughts on "conversion?" What do you think are the correct circumstances, etc for it to happpen? If you think it cannot, why not?

newflowers

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 31

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 7:53:46 AM

Synocense

Posts: 255
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I still have conflicts about what a "nice grrl" does and if I'm still a nice grrl if I... Likely I will always have this conflict.

This rather tugged at my heart-strings because I still have the same conflict. It causes inhibitions in me personally but I now know and understand the "cure" ..... It is acceptance. One word, meant one way. Not everyones acceptance of me, (that would not be realistic) but acceptance of one who truly matters. Who was it that said "I yam what I yam?" oh....Popeye. I meant "I am who I am" : ) I sense you are warm and caring, above and beyond so despite any activities, how could you be "a bad girl?"

Syn

_____________________________

Before you speak, ask yourself..
Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?
Does it improve upon the silence?

(in reply to Laura)

Post #: 32

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 8:00:15 AM

newflowers

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Synocense

quote:

I still have conflicts about what a "nice grrl" does and if I'm still a nice grrl if I... Likely I will always have this conflict.

This rather tugged at my heart-strings because I still have the same conflict. It causes inhibitions in me personally but I now know and understand the "cure" ..... It is acceptance. One word, meant one way. Not everyones acceptance of me, (that would not be realistic) but acceptance of one who truly matters. Who was it that said "I yam what I yam?" oh....Popeye. I meant "I am who I am" : ) I sense you are warm and caring, above and beyond so despite any activities, how could you be "a bad girl?"

Syn

Syn,

I could not agree more. Acceptance, yes. Most especially self-acceptance.

I think of all of the years I thought there was something wrong with me, and the internal conflict that caused.

Coming to accept yourself can be a slow process, but when you reach the goal, there is a great deal of peace. If you can accept yourself, you can then believe that others will - or not - and still be okay.

As someone who "looks" like a good girl and has a "good girl" career and engages in "good girl" hobbies - I just know that there is more to me that what people see. Some would be scandalized and other curious and still others accepting. I'm okay regardless because I am okay with myself.

newflowers

(in reply to Synocense)

Post #: 33

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 10:44:07 AM

Destinysskeins

Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline

Greetings,

*grins* Thank You, Lawrence! i must say that i do agree wholeheartedly with You!

As for the bad girl/good girl tangent - i'd say that i also fall into this category. To the vanilla world, my family & my children i am quite the little girl next door. *wicked grin* i don't mind this at all! i don't feel that my outside pursuits and interests are the business of those who would only misunderstand them so i'm quite content to allow them their disillusions and be self satisfied in knowing and exploring the other sides of my personality as i see fit. i'm not just the nice girl next door nor am i merely the freaky, collared chick at the fetish club - i'm a multi-faceted creature that sees life as not a destination but a journey filled with as many interesting pitstops as i can find along the way!

May your journeys be merry!

(in reply to newflowers)

Post #: 34

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 10:50:13 AM

Chaos

Posts: 30
Joined: 4/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Destinysskeins
As for the bad girl/good girl tangent - i'd say that i also fall into this category. To the vanilla world, my family & my children i am quite the little girl next door. *wicked grin* i don't mind this at all! i don't feel that my outside pursuits and interests are the business of those who would only misunderstand them so i'm quite content to allow them their disillusions and be self satisfied in knowing and exploring the other sides of my personality as i see fit. i'm not just the nice girl next door nor am i merely the freaky, collared chick at the fetish club - i'm a multi-faceted creature that sees life as not a destination but a journey filled with as many interesting pitstops as i can find along the way!

Anytime someone tries to cram a real person into a preconcieved stereotype..they are in for a real suprise. It simply doesn't work. Destiny, you remind me very much of a friend of mine, who approaches the world in much the same way. She has a good many layers to her, and that is the way it should be

(in reply to Destinysskeins)

Post #: 35

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 10:53:21 AM

Destinysskeins

Posts: 267
Joined: 7/1/2004
Status: offline

Chaos,

Why, thank You!

(in reply to Chaos)

Post #: 36

RE: I am what I am... - 10/1/2004 3:29:07 PM

basiasubrosa

Posts: 130
Joined: 6/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

As someone who "looks" like a good girl and has a "good girl" career and engages in "good girl" hobbies - I just know that there is more to me that what people see. Some would be scandalized and other curious and still others accepting. I'm okay regardless because I am okay with myself.

Beautifully put! Exactly!

I think at this point, most of my friends have finally ceased to be scandalized or even surprised when i start to talk about that ever-elusive 50 year old Dominant Classicist with a sultry baritone voice.....

It's nice to be out in the open. My friends crack jokes about my kink, and we all have a good laugh. (Just last night, a friend at dinner: "You know, just like it isn't ok for dirty old men to lust after sweet little girls, it shouldn't be ok for sweet little girls to lust after dirty old men.") On the other hand, i no longer enjoy as much power to completely startle people who otherwise tend to assume i am as innocent as innocent goes.... Sometimes i really miss making people choke in shock.....

(in reply to newflowers)

Post #: 37

RE: I am what I am... - 10/14/2004 9:21:27 AM

pervslave

Posts: 8
Joined: 10/11/2004
Status: offline

Lady Beckett, I se your post here on a potential slave who says in this that he couldn't believe your 52. That very much excites me Lady.

slave rob

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 38

RE: I am what I am... - 10/14/2004 9:47:38 AM

aliljaded1

Posts: 121
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

ive dated outside the scene and was w/ someone vanilla for 11 yrs . the thing that i encountered more often then not was i dont like being in a vanilla relationship. i dont like calling the shots and it always leaves much to be desired.

warm regards, jade

~Life is a long lesson in Humility~

(in reply to topcat)

Post #: 39

RE: I am what I am... - 10/14/2004 7:59:03 PM

Laura

Posts: 573
Joined: 6/22/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newflowers

quote:

ORIGINAL: Synocense

quote:

I still have conflicts about what a "nice grrl" does and if I'm still a nice grrl if I... Likely I will always have this conflict.

This rather tugged at my heart-strings because I still have the same conflict. It causes inhibitions in me personally but I now know and understand the "cure"

My last "date" described me as sweet and innocent. I had already told him about my kinky interests, let him read my erotica. Still, I'm sweet and inoccent. At times I want to out grow it and other times I'm afraid of the person I will be left with if I ever stopped being nice. I know I will never have self acceptance, totally. That in itself is some kind of warped self acceptance and I'm learning to live with it.

Anyway, the funny thing I find is that men say they want a woman who is a nice grrl. But, here I am alone. I've had men who call themselves my friends tell me how much they want to meet a sweet grrl, a nice grrl, etc. But they don't even see me, right in front of their faces. Has that happened to you?

Thanks for posting. It's always good to know I'm not the only one who has the nice grrl complex. My best friend at the moment is an ex-hooker. We have almost nothing in common but she laughs at all my jokes.

_____________________________

Bait & Switch - Adult column

(in reply to newflowers)

Post #: 40

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