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gungadin09 -> RE: Psychology and BDSM (10/4/2010 9:31:49 PM)
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i wasn't abused, but i had an unusual childhood. My mom was manic depressive. She spent a large portion of my childhood either yelling or locked in her room threatening to kill herself. My dad is-- i don't know what, but there's something wrong with him. i would guess Aspergers, after taking that test a few weeks ago. It reminded me very much of him. My parents were very authoritative. Their word was law. As kids, we were not allowed to question their judgement or talk to them openly about our problems or feelings. If i ever disagreed with them or expressed a different view, they would start psychoanalyzing me, and tell me i was crazy. i grew up fearing that it might be true. i pretty much did what i was told, most of the time.
i don't mean to say that my parents were bad people. i think they tried to be good parents, but the fact is they were barely qualified to take care of themselves, let alone children. i didn't have proper clothing in the winter. We didn't always have enough to eat. What we did eat was mostly dry storage items. i remember eating Cosco muffins, raisin bran (without milk), and tortillas spread w/ peanut butter for months at a time. The electricity would get turned off. i didn't have enough clothes to wear. i used to get athlete's foot from re-wearing the same socks day after day, and there were people at school who thought i was homeless of something because i was always wearing the same clothes. i'm not exactly sure why these things happened. My parents both worked and they made good money. They should have been able to take care of their family. Still, i grew up in an environment of benign neglect.
i don't know if that's the reason i'm such a freak, or if i was one to begin with. i know that the problems of my childhood affected me more deeply than they did my other sisters. i think part of it was being the oldest. i had a lot of pressure on me. But part of it was just me. i'm overly sensitive and emotional. i tend to overreact to things, and i have a hard time letting go, moving on. When problems come up in my life, i dwell on them obsessively, and that turns into a cycle of failure. i have unreasonable expectations, i am easily depressed or disappointed, and i lack coping mechanisms. i think i'm my own worst enemy.
Anyway, to answer Your question, i do think that psychology and early childhood experiences played a part in making me submissive. i think of my submission as being a predisposition that had to be acted upon by environmental factors to bring it out, a combination of nature and nurture.
pam
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