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RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 10:09:18 AM

Selectivelight

Posts: 191
Joined: 9/30/2010
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I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I'll get straight to the point for your convenience.

BDSM without pain? Absolutely. And simple.

Instead of focusing on the usual whips, needles and such, there are a -lot- of other activities one can engage in that place emphasis on a surrender of control, without the need for rough play.

Sensory deprivation as an example, blindfolds, ear plugs, in combination with a variety of stimuli that need not include pain, such as ice cubes, feathers, fingertips and ... other bodily parts.

Light bondage, like a restraint harness secured to the bed. Nothing says "obey me" quite like having a captive audience.

Commands that are more mental than physical, such as eye contact restrictions, language restrictions, and the like, with a counterbalance of punishment that is more creative than simply getting out a paddle.

If your only limit is pain, that's not much of one, provided you can find someone who has a quick enough mind to come up with alternatives. Just because whips and chains are the standard doesn't mean they're the only way of getting it done.

Just for the record, reading profiles is often good for a laugh, but I don't think it's much of a way to meet people. The forums are a better way to get to know what makes a person tick.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 21

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 10:15:50 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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.... or skipping all the BDSM play stuff entirely, you could just control her in real ways for real life goals assuming a lifestyle relationship. I personally find abundant opportunities (more than I might like quite often) for controlling Carol without needing to invent stuff.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Selectivelight)

Post #: 22

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 11:13:47 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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Even though I can't do the pain, I like the kink and have enjoyed reading the responses here...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 23

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 11:18:26 AM

Selectivelight

Posts: 191
Joined: 9/30/2010
Status: offline

Well, so long as you enjoy what you find, we'll just have to keep bringing more fun to the table.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 24

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 11:34:56 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
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I had my own horrible accident this summer and broke both arms - I was in constant and unrelenting pain for months. I would spend every day pacing around the house or neighborhood depending on the weather because if I stopped walking I'd feel the pain more intently so I couldn't stop. I walked all day and night long sometimes. I've just started sleeping more than 2-3 hours at a time. I cannot imagine what you have gone through and how horrific it was.

I have never been a pain slut, I do not crave being hurt by my partner, and I don't particularly care for including impact play in our kink activities. I had grown to like it somewhat for different reasons, pushing myself to do something for him was what I liked. After the accident I couldn't bear the thought of him hurting me any more than I already did so he didn't do anything to hurt me and he was fine with that. At this point we're back to our 'old' activities and that includes pain at times and I feel the way I did before. That it's not something I'd ask for but it's something I'll do for him. So my aversion to it after my accident has subsided. For me it has been a direct correlation as to how much pain I was already in and if I'd choose to accept any more as 'fun'.

That being said. If I permanently decided that I didn't want it to be part of our life together I know he'd toss it aside without a second thought because he's told me that. We're about being with each other, not a collection of activities, so our draw is making each other happy. I feel as though there are many people out there who would fit the bill for you in not being totally set on including pain in D/s, and I also feel as though like some other posters have pointed out, that you may change your mind again later on down the road as to what you'd like to do. The key I think is to find a partner that is flexible enough to find satisfaction in a variety of activities and who values your relationship with him as more important that any one thing that you do together.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 25

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 12:44:54 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
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~FR~
Sure. There's D/s without S&M.....power exchange w/o pain. Even discipline doesn't have to be painful, there are many more ingenious ways to discipline than by merely inflicting physical pain. And there's plenty of kink out there w/o pain too. Sensation play and bondage come to my mind immediately.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 26

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 1:28:24 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

As some of you who know me are aware, I was in a gas explosion a few months ago. As I've been healing, I've started lurking and browsing through the site and more and more what I notice is the emphasis placed on pain. The level of pain that I have experienced in the past few months and what I go through daily makes me think that I could never voluntarily accept pain, that it could not be a part of a successful relationship for me.

I rarely come across a profile that doesn't list canes and crops in the" lives for" or" loves" category. So many of the profiles I read use terms like "use and abuse" "pain slut" etc. The emphasis of what so many people seem to be looking for is based on what a sub will accept from her Dom, to what lengths she will go to prove her submissiveness to him... and I have to ask why?

Possibly I wouldn't be considered a "true submissive" by many... but my reality is that if I admire, respect and love you enough to be in a relationship with you... then you are the boss and the care and attention I put into making your life as good as it can be, of being nurturing and supportive of the decisions you make in our lives, of being yours... Isn't that enough?

While getting blown up has changed me in some ways... it hasn't changed the fact that for a relationship to be successful for me, I need a man who deserves to be in charge but have to wonder if that is even a possibility without the ability to endure pain.

I appreciate all your thoughts and comments on this... and don't get all sappy on me!

Whoa, I'd be against getting blown up, myself...! <hugs>

To the topic at hand and a few observations....

I think firstly that the majority of those type of profiles you've read are posturing window-dressing, esp from the dom side. Such terms seem to be more about the inexperienced trying to fit in; "wearing the uniform" etc. Teen sub profiles who'll "try anything twice"; masters and their 5 metre bullwhips blah blah....

I think if you largely ignore checklists and look for peoples who actually share their knowledge or opinions publically (like here), you get a feel for people who ARE "real" and not just strutting to an anonymous crowd with showmanship. And the other is those actually living or seeking D/s relationships - that puts responsibility on the dominant partner as opposed to some abusive creep looking to beat the crap out of anyone willing.

As for pain; I've never actually used canes but I like my riding crops nonetheless. And if I met the right sub with a need, I'd have no problems trying canes.... But the thing is, we're mostly talking *erotic* pain and not the hardcore, "can't get away from" non consensual variety such as your accident.

What I love about inflicting erotic pain on my girl is the response her body has in "defense" - sub-space. So it isn't about moving through a personal checklist of extreme plays to pad out my VC so much as what's the minimum needed to get her into sub-space. If crops can do that then I won't be researching canes - not for *my* needs, anyway. And the pain should be temporary - I don't like permanent marks of any sort (don't get me started on tatts or piercings... lol) but I like how many a sub gets fluffy over recent erotic bruises and memories of how she got them....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 27

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 1:43:47 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

...and that is a question I have had for quite some time, are the majority of subs out there so unruly or disrespectful to their Dom that they need to be kept" in line" or is that just part of the dynamic that they choose to have whether consciously or not that makes punishment part of the equation?

If I choose to submit to a man I do so because I desire it, I give it freely and lovingly... if some one tries to force that with threats of punishment is that truely submission?

You misunderstand. It isn't coercion that does it but somehow a small, regular amount of even light pain, because we submit to it to please our partners, helps us keep a submissive headspace. I'm talking a light spanking here. The mental alone is not enough for most of us. If it were, then we'd be satisfied with an online only relationship. The physical interacts with the mental, blending a whole.

Endorphin release, or emotional catharsis from play or other brain chemicals. These help to release daily stress and allow us to put all that aside in a way that is otherwise almost impossible.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 28

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:03:35 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
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I've never experienced subspace through pain... I have experienced it through sexual activities that involve vulnerability and exposure... for the longest time I wasn't aware that this state had a name... I would try to explain the sheer euphoria and complete release to friends and they would have no idea what I was talking about...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 29

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:07:38 PM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

I guess my wiring is different... my subbie head space comes from rubbing his shoulders if he's stressed, curling up at his feet with my head in his lap, putting on a dress I know he loves, knowing how to make him laugh and knowing when to...

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 30

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:07:59 PM

Zevar

Posts: 801
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

In answer to your first question... that he meets or exceeds my abilities to make good decisions and problem solve, that the person he is, is someone that I respect and admire, that his own house is in order before he attempts to put mine in order...

In answer to the second question... it's simply a matter of reading profiles and posts that have led me to believe that the majority of Dominants also seem to have a fairly healthy sadistic streak or a need for some type of CP to be a part of the dynamic, that or a need to take a sub where she doesn't want to go in order to prove her submissiveness.

Your post is a refreshing change to the majority of profiles that I read, thanks for that.

To begin I want to genuinely thank you for answering my questions I posed to you in my former entry which I posted in reply to your comment. It makes total sense that a man would need to demonstrate who he is in a congruent manner characteristically without waning or waxing from he says he is. Else how could a bond of trust ever be formed if not?

Further for a man to have his household in order prior to asserting he is capable of pairing with a lady and leading her is totally reasonable. Clearly a man needs to know how to make sound decisions especially when he is considering the life of another who has been entrusted in his care. I agree with your presented replies to my questions and also want to be clear that I understand that my agreement is not required for you to believe as you do. I am simply noting the obvious I suppose, aye!

Regarding “ a fairly healthy sadistic streak” I have nothing to offer regarding sadism. I am as far from being sadistic as the East is from the West. I am more inclined toward sensualism, dominance, order, and mutual respect with a submissive lady. Do understand to whomever reads this reply that I am not judging sadism. I do oppose sadism though, generally speaking. I simply cannot imagine myself physically harming a lady I love, that is if I intend to remain true to who I am. The same could be said of others who are sadistic, I suppose. Again, just noting the obvious.

The best and highest good your way as you Heal from the tragedy you mentioned. Thank you for your kind comment toward my post & surely for your well thought-out answers to my probing questions that I asked of you.

Take good care of you!

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 31

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:19:18 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

It'll be enough for anyone that is after that.

It possibly won't be enough for someone who actively wants bdsm in their lives.

The fact that you don't care for a bdsm aspect in any relationship you might want is down to your desire. Many people do want that and get a great deal out of it.

D/s doesn't have to include bdsm unless you want it to. There's a lot of emphasis on bdsm because it's a bdsm site as well.

It's got nothing to do with being submissive.

agirl

Isn't D/s a part of BDSM? Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadomasochism? Or do all aspects have to exist in the relationship in order for it to be called BDSM?

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 32

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:33:57 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Different people define it differently Kaliko.

I've seen at least 4 acronyms for those 4 letters. Then, to complicate things, you can add in the word sexual before it all... so is it still BDSM D/s if it's not eroticized? Trust me, there's plenty of room for confusion on those 4 letters. It took me the better part of 2 years to figure out whether I belonged here in BDSM-land largely because I was a non-eroticized form of D/s sans the whips & chains.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 33

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:35:56 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
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Well, shoot. Now I have to update my interests/hobbies on my Facebook page.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 34

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:38:11 PM

tiggerspoohbear

Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
Status: offline

Thank you for coming back to us JB. Your posts before your accident, and this one, show your insight into yourself and just plain common sense as always.

I am by no means a pain slut, i prefer the sensual of D/s as well as the service side. I don't need someone to "beat" me for fun or for punishment. Just isn't my thing. Never has been. As for being punished, a look of disapointment is enough to set me off. I'm much harder on myself than anyone could ever be.

I've found myself lucky to find a Man who feels the way I do, and looks at it as more than S/M. We have the same values, the same core beliefs and trust in each other that transcends any pain he could inflict on me. I love being blindfolded and not know what to expect. Ice cubes, or the sheepskin piece. Fingers and hands sliding down my body, or a feather duster.

D/s isn't all about pain to those who don't want it, and for those who do, then that's what floats their boat. Not mine. Those Dominants are out there, just have to separate the wheat from the chaff. You know you're not in a hurry, and I know that you'll make sure the Dom you choose to be with will be the right one for *you*.

Again, nice to see you back.

formerly blueeyedbbwsub now a Poohbear.

_____________________________

"RABBIT IS GOOD, RABBIT IS WISE".

"I'm a baaa-aaad pussycat".

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 35

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:42:46 PM

Hotch

Posts: 267
Joined: 5/13/2004
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Duplicate post

< Message edited by Hotch -- 10/5/2010 2:52:31 PM >

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 36

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 2:51:04 PM

Hotch

Posts: 267
Joined: 5/13/2004
Status: offline

It's my humble opinion that pain SHOULDN'T be part of a D/s relationship. Pain or the threat of pain isn't the contol mechanism for power exchange. Respect (both ways) is the reason for submission or domination. Pain is the catalyst through which sadistic and masochistic desires are expressed. So, there's nothing wrong with having submission with no pain, or pain with no submission. The fact that the two commonly overlap is meaningless. D/s, and S&M two seperate ideas which while often combined, also stand on their own perfectly fine.

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 37

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 3:31:27 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

It's very possible.

While Master is a sadist, the majority of our relationship has zilch to do with s/m but more to do with obedience and power. Our relationship is based on the fact that he makes the decisions, that he is the one in control.

I'm also not as big on pain as he'd like me to be but we've adjusted with him being more in control, with us using other kinks together.

Imo you just need to find that man that wants more from you than just play but wants a relationship as well. Once you have that then you'll both find your way together.

PS: It's good to see you back. Hope you're healing well.

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 38

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 3:32:43 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
Isn't D/s a part of BDSM? Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadomasochism? Or do all aspects have to exist in the relationship in order for it to be called BDSM?

It depends on who you talk to. The acronym was originally termed as bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. Like every other acronym, each letter stood for one word. Not especially the cute coincidence that the D and S in the middle could also stand for Dominant and submissive. It's actually only since about 1991 that the term was recognized (thanks to the internet) in common use.

Reference on this can be found in the glossary of "SM 101".

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 39

RE: Submission without pain... is it possible? - 10/5/2010 3:41:12 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko
Isn't D/s a part of BDSM? Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadomasochism? Or do all aspects have to exist in the relationship in order for it to be called BDSM?

It depends on who you talk to. The acronym was originally termed as bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. Like every other acronym, each letter stood for one word. Not especially the cute coincidence that the D and S in the middle could also stand for Dominant and submissive. It's actually only since about 1991 that the term was recognized (thanks to the internet) in common use.

Reference on this can be found in the glossary of "SM 101".

Thank you. .... hmm....turns out not everything I read on the internet is true.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 40

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