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How do you handle a newbie? - 9/28/2004 8:16:00 AM   
Borch


Posts: 25
Joined: 9/17/2004
Status: offline 		I talked to someone who says they are submissive but are very new at this lifestyle and I wish not to scare her away.I understand that it takes time .How should I keep her from getting nervous?I'm being very patient and understanding.Any ideas are welcome.Thank you


For all who have responded Thank you.I feel that I've lost her and that saddens me so.Been 4 days and no contact.Guess it was not to be.

< Message edited by Borch -- 9/29/2004 8:51:58 PM >
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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/28/2004 8:19:23 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I'd suggest you continue on as you already are doing so. Get to know the submissive. Communicate. Let the submissive go at their own speed.

I was not new when I was searching but the single thing that turned me off the quickest is when I was pushed before I felt comfortable. We can make up millions of possible reasons in our minds. The bottom line though is, we should'nt be put in that position to second guess the Dominant at all. We should feel secure in that relationship.

(in reply to Borch)
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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/28/2004 8:30:00 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		I agree with Gloria on this. Communicate always and don't push too quick. I read your profile and you seem to be a gentle man who picks up after himself!! What a joy! I don't know you but I believe you are a warm, patient man. Just be yourself and get her to open up to you. Good luck!

ann

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/28/2004 10:34:14 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Borch,
Even more important than patience is communication. Communicate in every manner, tactile, verbal, visual, even scent, and most important body language. If you have a toy collection, display it, let them touch and hold each, as you explain it's function and how it will be used on their body. Take them to adult store to peruse the toys and whisper in their ear how nice they would look in one of the harnesses displayed. Take them to a Dollar Store or Dom Depot and walk through while pointing out how pretty the gold chain looks in the rolls or how tight the red handled clips look, or how that chip bag clip could be used in other ways. I don't know if you have access and desire to do so, but I always brought any newbie to a Munch and/or club function as soon as possible so they could have that experience. I told them we were going to observe and NOT play. This serves not only to let them have a club experience but it also lets them know that they are not alone. And for a newbie sub sometimes that is very important.

Teach them to appreciate how their body reacts to the different smells, and touch of leather, and even the sound it and other toys make by blindfolding them. You are not just educating and training the person's body, but their mind and emotions as well. To the point of sacrificing your needs in the short term, cater to theirs. Have them open to you and discuss their fantasies and expectation about being a submissive. Don't necessarily act upon them, but make mental notes, and tease them with the though of having them fulfilled.

As for them being scared or nervous? You should not only expect it, but relish it. Appreciate the excitement of their nervousness. The longest lines at amusement parks are for the scariest rides. You are about to take them on, what I think, is the most thrilling ride a person can experience and the best part is it won't end after a few minutes. They should be nervous and scared but of the experience NOT of you.

And that leads to the one essential ingredient - TRUST. For any of this to happen, your 'newbie' must trust you to be the 'harness for his/her ride'. If they can not trust you they can not surrender to you. Without trust, being scared and nervous will evolve into fear and there is no place for raw fear. Once you have that trust, you can and should take a firmer hand and show less patience. Because at some point your 'newbie' has to decide if their submission was just something they wanted to try or a way they wanted to live. Failing in that transition you'll end up being a Dom that serves the sub.

There is no manual for the indoctrination of someone new to the lifestyle and there can't be for one reason, no two people will react the same to the experience. You have to study and learn from your newbie as much as they are learning from you.

Good luck! And enjoy the ride.

Merc & beth




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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/28/2004 3:23:08 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

How should I keep her from getting nervous?I'm being very patient and understanding.Any ideas are welcome.Thank you


The others answered this very well. I will just add that she may feel more secure with "yellow" and "red" safewords until you two are more experienced together.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to Borch)
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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/28/2004 7:12:39 PM   
newflowers


Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline 		Excellent responses all, especially from Merc.

I would add what I consider to be an important element. Take time to get to know her. Certainly there will be talk of various lifestyle and activity issues, but talk about her and talk about yourself. Favorite color, dessert, pets, childhood and growing experiences, philosophies about lifestyle and life in general and find out what she thinks about whatever she thinks about.

I am one without a great deal of experience and nothing turns me off faster when getting to know someone than when all conversation is BDSM scene and play related - it feels like they're just looking for any available body and not wanting to know me personally.

Good luck.

newflowers

< Message edited by newflowers -- 9/28/2004 7:17:14 PM >

(in reply to Borch)
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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/30/2004 5:55:23 AM   
robyn


Posts: 18
Joined: 8/8/2004
Status: offline 		Borch,

I'm sorry she disapeared on you, maybe in time she'll come back. It seems her hiding is indicative of the internal struggle she is going through right now.

The number one thing i would need to hear from a new Dom is that he is trust worthy. That he is in control. That he wont get carried away and hurt me, either emotionally or physically.

I like Merc's ideas, but if it were me, i'd blush like mad and run from the sex toy store. Lol. I think communication is your number one tool with a newbie (as with any person, new or not). Listen to what she is ready to try and use your instincts and gut feelings for when you feel she is ready to push a little further.

Be patient Borch, i believe her curiosity will bring her back to you :) Good luck.
robyn

(in reply to Borch)
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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/30/2004 8:23:58 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

The number one thing i would need to hear from a new Dom is that he is trust worthy. That he is in control. That he wont get carried away and hurt me, either emotionally or physically.


Can someone tell you this? Does it fulfill you? Can you believe someone is trustworthy just from their word or do they need to prove it?

(in reply to robyn)
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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/30/2004 10:59:26 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

I like Merc's ideas, but if it were me, i'd blush like mad and run from the sex toy store.


robyn -
No you wouldn't! This slave thought the same thing, but it was so much fun! Of course Master didn't take me to one of those sleazy places where the floor is slippery. It was very early in our relationship and the place (Pleasure Chest) was very nice, big, bright, with all kinds of toys that this slave had never seen before. Master held this slave's hand the whole time. There was a lot of giggling on my part, and a lot of questions for Master. And then, when we went to the counter to try on cuffs, this slave thought she was going to melt and her heart come through her chest.

beth

(in reply to robyn)
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RE: How do you handle a newbie? - 9/30/2004 7:25:46 PM   
cheeba0228


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/27/2004
From: Detroit
Status: offline 		All I can say is dont rush things.

_____________________________

LIFE'S JOURNEY IS NOT TO ARRIVE AT THE GRAVE SAFELY IN A WELL PRESERVED
BODY, BUT RATHER TO SKID IN SIDEWAYS, TOTALLY WORN OUT, SHOUTING "HOLY
SHIT......WHAT A RIDE!


(in reply to Borch)
Profile   Post #: 10
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