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RE: The first date. - 10/6/2010 8:25:47 PM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

. . . . I think, in any case, it's best always to meet someone for the first time on the basis that there's 'something you have to do after a couple of hours'. That'd apply whether a vanilla or a D/s date, in my opinion. As either sub or Domme, you can then just say 'Right, it's a terrible shame, but I have to go' without it causing a jarring tone. In effect it's neither the sub nor the Domme who's ended the date, it's a (fictitious or otherwise) external constraint. I've always taken this policy on a first, blind date in case the woman I'm meeting turns out to be mad.

I can see this, though I'll admit that it doesn't turn out like that for Me often. If we're talking about folks from the site, in many cases, it's like seeing someone in person for the first time, but it's like talking to an old friend. I end up meeting people for lunch and then get surprised at how it became five o'clock so fast.

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Post #: 21

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 1:56:58 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I'm not sure so correct me if I'm wrong.
The person who is really in control ends the first date.

But as I stated, there isn't really any established relationship or dynamic at the first date for most people. Thus, it doesn't really matter who ends it. If a submissive feels that things aren't going well, then they have every right to say so and end the date so as to not waste any more time for either of them. If there are other plans, yes, they should be stated in advace (whatever they are, even if it's just "I have to be home by 10 to let the dog out or he'll pee all over the house" kind of thing) but they are acceptable because even submissives/slaves are human beings and have lives to live.

Then the submissive would "take control" and end it. As I aptly pointed out, the one in control ends it.

Submissives are not allergic to control. In BDSM, being a submissive is a relationship role position not a personality trait. The sub must control many things in life.

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Post #: 22

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 2:04:00 AM

ResidentSadist

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quote:

ORIGINAL: strangedesire

quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

QFT, man, QFT

Yes, but what does Quantum Field Theory have to do with dating?

Hey, the laws of attraction have everything to do with dating.
So do basic physics like "for every action there is a reaction".
If you rub two things together you'll get heat from friction (so use lube).

. . . Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
~ Firesign Theater Comedy Group

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Post #: 23

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 10:11:11 AM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
Really? I would expect to be told beforehand if someone had plans after a date with me, potential submissive or not. I thought that was basic manners-either you keep your afternoon/evening free or you say so when you arrange to meet if that's not possible...

I don't see why. I'm a pretty literal person and if I tell someone, or someone tells me, that they want to make a date to meet for coffee (or X activity), I take that commitment at face value. I plan as much time out of my schedule as needed for the specific activity we agreed to, and after that I may well have something else scheduled, because I have a life. I would expect any other sensible person to do the same. If we click, we can always make a second date, but it doesn't have to be the same day.

If I agree to meet for coffee I will schedule an hour to an hour and a half. If coffee and possibly lunch is mentioned, I'll have two to two and a half hours blocked off. Suggest dinner and maybe a movie or an activity after dinner, and I'll block off the whole evening. But I'm not blocking off my whole evening if you only suggested coffee, nor would I expect anyone else to do so if we had only made plans for a shorter time. It's not really a dom or sub dynamic so much as simple honesty in communication without hidden expectations or games being played. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I really don't have the time or patience for anything else.

If someone was upset that they had asked me out for X activity and I didn't keep the rest of my day free for Y activity that had never been mentioned as part of the agreement, I'd probably dump them on the spot as having way too much hidden agenda and lack of clear communication ability. If I cannot trust what you say to actually be true, that's a deal breaker for me. I can't conceive of living any other way.

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Post #: 24

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 1:00:55 PM

VaguelyCurious

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From: United Kingdom
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Well then we probably wouldn't be compatible

I tend to keep first dates vague-as in 'let's meet up and then see what we feel like doing'. How do you know how much time you'll want to spend with someone until you're spending time with them?

I accept that this approach requires a degree of flexibility that would irritate less wishy-washy people such as yourself, LNT.

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Post #: 25

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 1:54:28 PM

LadyNTrainer

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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
I tend to keep first dates vague-as in 'let's meet up and then see what we feel like doing'. How do you know how much time you'll want to spend with someone until you're spending time with them?

If I had a whole day free and no reason to schedule anything else, and you were clear about the time frame being flexible and open, I could deal. If I was busy that week, you would have to be prepared for my sticking around only for the activity we'd specifically negotiated.

quote:

I accept that this approach requires a degree of flexibility that would irritate less wishy-washy people such as yourself, LNT.

My beef is clear communication, not flexible scheduling. If you communicated clearly that you were unsure of the time frame you would want to spend, I'd either respond by setting definite limits or by agreeing to keep it open-ended, if I had the time available. Either way would be fine. I only get irritated with people who only ask for coffee and expect, with a sense of entitlement, that I must also be free that same day for dinner and a movie. I may be or I may not be. It depends on what else is going on in my life, which I didn't put on ignore because I was having coffee with somebody I had not previously met.

I think that somebody who expects me to put my life totally on hold just in case he feels like spending more time with me has a pretty ugly case of entitlement, and that is way too much drama for me. Ask for an open ended time frame or don't, just don't bring the drama if you ask for a specific time frame and that is what you get.

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Post #: 26

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 2:37:30 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

I tend to keep first dates vague-as in 'let's meet up and then see what we feel like doing'. How do you know how much time you'll want to spend with someone until you're spending time with them?

Regarding my earlier comment about 'fictitious engagements': I do want to stress that I really did have an important meeting to attend on the afternoon that we first met, VC. I'd have been more than agreeable to your suggestion that we go back to my place for some rumpy-pumpy otherwise. Like any gentleman, I try to be accommodating regarding such matters.

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Post #: 27

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 2:44:31 PM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagikMisstress

I have a question, Who should end the first date? The submissive or the DOMME?

First meeting is usually coffee or lunch for me. Once or twice it's been a quick dinner right after work and there was one that was an antique shopping excursion.

Time constraints ended most of them. Coffee or lunch because I have to go back to work. A quick dinner after work ends because I have 4 legged creatures waiting for me at home. The antique shopping excursion ended because the woman had a fascination with antique ice picks.

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Post #: 28

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 3:53:36 PM

VaguelyCurious

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From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

If I was busy that week, you would have to be prepared for my sticking around only for the activity we'd specifically negotiated.

Which is exactly what I said in the first place-I'm happy for people to have other commitments as long as they mention them in advance...

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Post #: 29

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 3:54:39 PM

VaguelyCurious

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From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

I do want to stress that I really did have an important meeting to attend on the afternoon that we first met, VC.

That wasn't a date, sweetheart, that was coffee with a potential friend

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Post #: 30

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 3:56:50 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse
The antique shopping excursion ended because the woman had a fascination with antique ice picks.

Scary

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Post #: 31

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 4:23:33 PM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
Which is exactly what I said in the first place-I'm happy for people to have other commitments as long as they mention them in advance...

Er, so I would be expected to disclose in advance that I was not going to be available the rest of the day after an agreed-upon meeting for coffee, but you would not be expected to disclose in advance that you might want to also invite me for dinner and a movie that same day? I get that neither of us might know whether or not we wanted to spend more time together, but if we do, then we can make those arrangements with the same respect for one another's time and separate lives as we did at the first meeting. Then neither of us has to put our life on hold, which is not a reasonable expectation of anyone on a first meeting, IMO.

Sorry, but disclosure of expectations really has to go both ways. If you did not tell me in advance that I should clear my calendar that day because you wanted a flexible time frame to potentially plan other activities, then I didn't do it. If you get mad at me because I didn't do it, and because I also didn't think to tell you that I didn't do it, I would have a problem with that. Best policy is that we both disclose up front what the expectations are. If one of us fails to do that, then there's a pretty good chance of it not going well. Doesn't really matter which one.

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Post #: 32

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 4:31:47 PM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious

That wasn't a date, sweetheart, that was coffee with a potential friend

Gawd, really? You're a goer, you are!

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Post #: 33

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 5:28:03 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer

Er, so I would be expected to disclose in advance that I was not going to be available the rest of the day after an agreed-upon meeting for coffee, but you would not be expected to disclose in advance that you might want to also invite me for dinner and a movie that same day?

Hey hey hey, who said I wouldn't be disclosing what my plans were? 'Let's see how we feel' was the short version-it normally follows a discussion of 'we could do x or y or z...'

Don't jump down my throat-I'm a good date, I swear

quote:

I get that neither of us might know whether or not we wanted to spend more time together, but if we do, then we can make those arrangements with the same respect for one another's time and separate lives as we did at the first meeting. Then neither of us has to put our life on hold, which is not a reasonable expectation of anyone on a first meeting, IMO.

I'm not expecting anyone to put their life on hold. I just expect them to mention it if they have something planned that's likely to end the date before it would otherwise end. I do the same-I thought that was just common manners. Honestly, before this thread I'd never thought twice about it, because it happens so naturally. If people have plans for the evening or they have to be home by eleven so their hamster doesn't go mental or something they tend to tell you so when you're discussing what to do. Or at least the people I date do, anyway.

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Post #: 34

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 5:47:15 PM

Twoshoes

Posts: 1218
Joined: 7/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
I'm a good date, I swear
[...Tralalala...]
Honestly, before this thread I'd never thought twice about it, because it happens so naturally.

Well, I recommend:

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer
'It Ain't broke - so Let's Fix it!'

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Post #: 35

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 6:08:51 PM

seekingOwnertoo

Posts: 1323
Joined: 8/1/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MagikMisstress

I have a question, Who should end the first date? The submissive or the DOMME?

As I have been on one or two in my time ... :) ... I will say, there is no set answer.

It really depends on a lot of things ... all of which subtly play into it ... including the personalities of those meeting.

Generally ... it does not matter who ends it ... it really is ... the longer you go ... the better ...

For example ... meeting for coffee (planned short date) ... means the ender is ending it ... unless you are lingering beyond coffee ... or getting a second cup ... then it is good.

Meeting for dinner ... eating quickly and leaving means it is ending ... conversely ... taking three hours and realizing it is getting late ... means it went well.

The key is knowing that when it comes time to leave, and you like the other person; you attempt to make another date, or plans for further interaction; before you leave.

Then it doesn't matter who ends the first date ... it matters how you both leave it!

Come away with a follow up ... in some way, and it worked. Otherwise ... dead end.

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Post #: 36

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 7:35:40 PM

Rochsub2009

Posts: 2536
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

VC. I'd have been more than agreeable to your suggestion that we go back to my place for some rumpy-pumpy otherwise.

Wait...... You mean she made that offer to you too????!!!

VC, you told me that I was "special", and that you normally don't offer "rumpy-pumpy" to guys on the first date. Now I feel so...........ordinary.

< Message edited by Rochsub2009 -- 10/7/2010 7:39:02 PM >

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Post #: 37

RE: The first date. - 10/7/2010 7:41:24 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Rochsub2009

quote:

ORIGINAL: PeonForHer

VC. I'd have been more than agreeable to your suggestion that we go back to my place for some rumpy-pumpy otherwise.

Wait...... You mean she made that offer to you too????!!!

VC, you told me that I was special, and that you normally don't offer "rumpy-pumpy" to guys on the first date. Now I feel so...........ordinary.

You people crack me up.

Don't let Peon infect you with the term 'rumpy-pumpy', please-it's bad enough when he uses it.

And if you ever do make it to England don't plan on seeing any sights, because I will pounce and not let you out of bed for a week.

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Post #: 38

RE: The first date. - 10/8/2010 11:24:49 AM

LadyHibiscus

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Cool, that leaves me more time for Peon! Then cream teas a s spa nking with Politesub!

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Post #: 39

RE: The first date. - 10/8/2010 11:34:58 AM

PeonForHer

Posts: 19612
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I've no doubt at all that VC will give Roch a bumper week of A1 sausage action if/when he gets to Blighty. Just so long as she gives him an afternoon off at some point so that he and I can go and beat up her hairdresser.

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Post #: 40

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