Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Submissive/Slave Mentor


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Submissive/Slave Mentor Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/6/2010 7:52:50 PM   
HisFetishAngel


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline 		I have been in the lifestyle for about ten years now. Things have been good for me. I've not had any bad experiences. I was actually lucky enough to meet and marry the man of my dreams through another bdsm site. However, since being married his behavior towards me has changed. Apparently he finds it difficult to treat me as he would other submissives because of the depth of his love. I don't understand it, but this is his reasoning. I've tried to trigger his dominant feelings but each time it fails I get more sad than I was before. I understand now that it's my behavior that needs to change. I do believe that if I change my behavior then he will view me in that manner. However, I'm not sure where to start. Are there any submissives or slaves out there that would be willing to mentor me in some manner?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 1:46:53 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		Hi, it is incredibly hard to be rejected... indeed if you feel like you are trying to excite and interest him and he does not respond to you it is soul destroying, i have been there. A partnership can be a very very lonely place if you can not get your connection back.

Does he have any control over you at all?
do you ask for permission to masturbate
do you cook what he likes and do you clean for him, iron his clothes
do you take his shoes off at the end of the day
do you shave him or cut his hair, cut his toe nails?

Non of these things might matter to either of you...
i do not know why you were first attracted to eachother, but somehow you have to find it back

i decided to go dancing, i asked Him if i could and He said ok... i love dancing.
When i felt a bit better about myself i started to do all the things i had stopped doing for Him again and that made Him feel better... and with some help from an on-line Master i managed to pull things back together... i am a lot better at manipulating now... when things were bad for us i mainly sulked and sort of expected things of Him.... now i remember again how to seduce Him


(in reply to HisFetishAngel)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 1:47:57 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline 		we have a deep love but he is very strict and he does find it hard if he has to miss a nightcuddle because he has given me a punishment luckily it is rare . how has your behaviour changed or needs to change?

(in reply to HisFetishAngel)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 4:02:54 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i look back on a relationship i had with my dream man.  we were 'vanilla' in the sense that we had no idea about any of this and yet he was/is very Dominant and of course i was me and sub.  we loved each other very much and had a kid and everything should have been wonderful, except he had these Dom yearnings he didnt want to push onto me because he respected me too much - and i was too much of a duffass to know how to tell him i wanted those things.  so the whole thing folded in the end.

he's still very much part of my life because of our son and the dynamic is oddly Ds though we arent in a relationship.

tell him its ok, that you want those things from him and that if they dont happen it will fizzle away, because chances are it will if youre both needing it but cant find a way to get there. 

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 7:09:08 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Forgive the hijack, but, HFA, your main pic is beyond cool!

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 10:58:40 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'm a little unclear about how exactly has his attitude and behavior has changed. Are you saying he feels it is wrong to tell you to pick up his suits from the dry cleaner? Or are you saying he feels wrong caning you and playing hard? We need to know exactly to offer help.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 2:08:17 PM   
HisFetishAngel


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline 		It's not that his attitude has changed. It's been off since the beginning. When we discussed the life that we wanted, it was the same in every way. But as soon as I moved in he didn't want to act on those desires. I do the cleaning and cooking and everything, but if I miss something, he will not say a word. I can let dishes stack for a week and he will never once say a word. I ask him about this and this is the impression that I get. In my mind, a submissive holds a higher status than a wife. In his mind it is the opposite. He sees me as more than his other submissives and doesn't feel right treating me as he did them. But he doesn't understand that that's what I want. For him to act this way makes me feel like less than his past submissives.

And thank you for the comment about my picture. I love that one.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 4:36:24 PM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisFetishAngel

I have been in the lifestyle for about ten years now. Things have been good for me. I've not had any bad experiences. I was actually lucky enough to meet and marry the man of my dreams through another bdsm site. However, since being married his behavior towards me has changed. Apparently he finds it difficult to treat me as he would other submissives because of the depth of his love. I don't understand it, but this is his reasoning. I've tried to trigger his dominant feelings but each time it fails I get more sad than I was before. I understand now that it's my behavior that needs to change. I do believe that if I change my behavior then he will view me in that manner. However, I'm not sure where to start. Are there any submissives or slaves out there that would be willing to mentor me in some manner?


Greetings HisFetAngel,

Welcome to the site. I'm sorry to hear you're having challenges, but glad you're asking questions. It's always nice to get a different perspective when possible. While I have extensive experience mentoring, I believe it's important that you exercise caution when selecting a prospective guide. Before doing so you should have a concrete idea what area/s you're seeking improvement in and substantiated knowledge of their background and expertise in the subject matter. It would be futile to expend energy on someone that didn't have the capacity to make a positive impact.

However, I should impress that the mentor is not a miracle worker and the depth of their influence and effectiveness is largely dependent on your willingness to accept the advice given and to make a wise selection overall. Ideally your confidant will be someone like yourself - an experienced woman that is married to her dominant that is in a stable relationship. While this doesn't negate the helpful advice you can receive from others, it's my opinion that the nuances of your situation would lend themselves to someone that has walked in your shoes so to speak. Best of luck to you and Yours.

Namaste,

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to HisFetishAngel)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 5:56:40 PM   
thatsub


Posts: 176
Joined: 5/3/2010
Status: offline 		It might be hard for you to upset him and it most likely take more than one talk, but you need to let him know what you are missing. It will take more than one talk, because he'll think that it is up to hi in the end what he does, and as we already know he does not feel "good" about doing thing you want him to do. Tell him that if he cannot do it as punishment, then he should consider doing them as a role-play reward...perhaps that will put him in the right mind set and he'll get used to treating you the way you want. If you like him, keep talking and bringing up the topic.

In my humble opinion, it is much easier to be a Dominant to a person you care little about, than to the one you truly love.


_____________________________

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something. Plato

Confucius say: To make a long story short, don't tell it.

(in reply to porcelaine)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/7/2010 6:46:46 PM   
HisFetishAngel


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline
quote:

In my humble opinion, it is much easier to be a Dominant to a person you care little about, than to the one you truly love.


That's exactly how he feels and I don't understand it. Why?

(in reply to thatsub)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/8/2010 3:31:03 AM   
phoenixmoonn13


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/11/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisFetishAngel

quote:

In my humble opinion, it is much easier to be a Dominant to a person you care little about, than to the one you truly love.


That's exactly how he feels and I don't understand it. Why?




every relationship is different and how everyone reacts is different prehaps he needs the detatchemnt to be able to be a dom. not everyone can take it to a full time relatiosnhip.

(in reply to HisFetishAngel)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/12/2010 6:21:51 AM   
MrGentleTouch


Posts: 9
Joined: 1/19/2010
Status: offline 		(I'm a Dom, and I guess I shouldn't be answering questions on the ask a sub/slave board but this topic reminds me of my own experiences)

I don't know the details of your relationship, but here is my 2 cents.

I think that there is a psychological notion here that Dom's actually believe that their actions are intrinsically bad, evil, and or hurtful. And that even though the submissive person is willing and desiring it, the Dom might think that such a desire were to be a trait of some trauma or life changing even or a series of events. Some dom's fall too much in love with the subs and want their sub's to stand at their level, instead of whatever type of servitude position that you want to be in.

And the best thing to do here is to be honest about your needs to him. I had a sub once when I was younger, who was traumatized and estranged from her family that I simply found gutwrenching domming her because it felt like I was bringing back the trauma of family violence back to her.

It took her a few times of thinking really seriously why and what she wanted and explain it in straight forwardness that we got over the issue.

I hope my experience helps out a bit.

(in reply to phoenixmoonn13)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/12/2010 6:34:21 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		A wife is different than just a submissive. If it were solely a d/s relationship and you didn't do the dishes, it wouldn't bother him to say goodbye and look for someone else. But you're of paramount importance to him, losing you would be like losing his right arm. If he didn't love you that much he wouldn't have married you. So now he's afraid of doing things that will anger or sadden you for fear of losing you.

On the other hand, you need control. What you need to do is brainstorm how to solve all of this.

Firstly, control does not mean punishment. Lots of us don't have a punishment dynamic. We still do the right things because we're adults. We use play to fulfill our control needs.

However if you need a punishment type dynamic, you need to invite it playfully. "Hey Daddy, I haven't done the dishes and I'm not going to until you make me" said with a paddle sitting right next to his chair while you're in you're sexiest outfit. And then lots of positive reinforcement after. Meaning you leave him notes, call him on the phone, perch on his knee and whisper into his ear how hot it was and can he do it again real soon, only longer and harder. Make it obvious that this is fun for you, and there is no chance of you leaving if he does it.

You might want to research maintenance spankings, for lots of people they solve these kinds of problems.

But really, if you've agreed to do the cleaning, it's unfair to force him to force you to keep your word.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to MrGentleTouch)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/12/2010 7:01:11 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Our situation was a little different, but also similar. When Master and I first married, the S&M stopped and sex became strictly vanilla.  At some point, we sat down and talked. His desire to play with me was at odds with his desire to protect and cherish me. We talked it out a lot and worked it through.

That said, he was always the dominant partner in our relationship. However, our roles are not always overt. So, that may be why.

Honestly, I would say stop trying to provoke him and sit down to have a serious talk about needs, desires and roles.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/12/2010 3:34:38 PM   
HisFetishAngel


Posts: 4
Joined: 8/24/2010
Status: offline 		I appreciate all of the thoughts and shared experiences. It's given me a lot to think about.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/31/2010 9:09:03 PM   
trueshadow


Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		I agree this can be a problem.  In one of my long-term relationships, I found it difficult to get my girlfriend to punish me.  We compromised by having her spank me.  I suppose it was prompted by the fact that it was part of sex play, so it culminated with her being satisfied, and me doing pretty much whatever she wanted. 

But, it's hard to beat a person you have love and starry-eyed feelings about.  Some people solve the problem by going to play parties and playing with others.

(in reply to HisFetishAngel)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/31/2010 10:05:15 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		This situation reminded me of a story I read once, long ago.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=278587

"The Gambler".

Synopsis: He wins the contract of a girl in order to free her from her misery. And gives her a place to stay. While that's all well and good, she doesn't cotton to a girlfriend/boyfriend situation, and tries to explain that no, really, she's a submissive, be forceful... The lengths to which she goes to make her point are... well, it's fiction. But a fun read for weblit.


_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to trueshadow)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 10/31/2010 10:13:17 PM   
DMFParadox


Posts: 1405
Joined: 9/11/2007
Status: offline 		Two things:
a) be more melty when he's all Domly. A lot of what we do, culture decidedly disapproves of. And it puts him at legal risk, should you ever decide to record things... So make sure to display obvious signs that make it clear you're a willing participant.
b) challenge him if he's not dominating you. After you say "be more forceful", give him reason to. Throw a tantrum, even. Take that advice only in consideration with what you already know about him; but if you feel it would work, I'm here to tell you it sometimes does. But the key is, once he starts acting more forceful, starts treating you like a submissive, stop. Quickly. Roll over and show your belly sooner rather than later. If he goes back to bad habits, do it again. And I refer you to my bullet point 'a', here.

Sometimes you need to train your dom. I hate to say it, but not every man is born knowing how to fight convention. Doesn't make him worthless; keep trying.

He'll get the idea.

< Message edited by DMFParadox -- 10/31/2010 10:20:14 PM >

_____________________________

bloody hell, get me some aspirin and a whiskey straight

"The role of gender in society is the most complicated thing I’ve ever spent a lot of time learning about, and I’ve spent a lot of time learning about quantum mechanics." - Randall Munroe

(in reply to DMFParadox)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 11/7/2010 10:45:07 AM   
Rexeena


Posts: 11
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		You can try telling him "I'm not your wife tonight" and see whether that triggers the old dominant behaviors. A member posted this in another thread as an example of how his friend got her religious husband into finally dominating her. Best of luck!

(in reply to DMFParadox)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Submissive/Slave Mentor - 11/7/2010 2:18:25 PM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisFetishAngel

I understand now that it's my behavior that needs to change.


An inspired thought.  We cannot change others, we can only change how we react to others.



(in reply to HisFetishAngel)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> Submissive/Slave Mentor Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094