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A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 10:59:19 AM

Orchid62

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Joined: 9/8/2010
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Thank you in advance for realing,

From personal experience, as well as reading other posts, journals and comments, it seems like, Doms offering to 'sub for a session' is not an uncommon occurance. I could ask about 1001 questions, but I will limit myself to 2.

1-Is this real or does it eventually turn into "I did that for you, now you have to do this for me" type of thing? I ask because I was interested in at least two of them, but declined due to lack of understanding.

2-if one has some occasional submissive desires, is he not more likely be a switch than a Dom?

Hope everyone is on top of their game.
O.

Post #: 1

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 11:07:22 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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It's not uncommon at all. I've topped many Dominant males in the past. It has never become a "tit for tat" experience for Me. Anybody who knows Me knows that I don't bottom or sub. I don't have a desire to do either.

I think the second question is better answered if you clarify. Are these people who want to bottom for play or actually submit for a given period of time? There really is a difference.

If they have submissive desires, they may be a switch. Then again, they may not. They may just want the experience of what it is like to be on the other side of the kneel.

If you're talking about play only, there are Dominant people out there who sometimes bottom. They could be masochists, or be a player who wants to experience the sensations of bottoming (being the receiver during play) or just wants to see what it "feels" like. There are tons of reasons out there why somebody might want to try something out. It doesn't change their orientation.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Orchid62)

Post #: 2

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 11:50:34 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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Some just have some bottoming sensation needs they want to get fulfilled. And although we understand that wanting to bottom doesn't negate a man's mastery, it is still a hard limit for many subs to service top their doms. So he hopes to find someone else to do this for him, rather than cause a breakup in his relationship by insisting she do it.

Next time, ask them what they mean. But it's easier for a male to find a female bottom than a female top, especially if it's only as a learning experience or something they wish to do maybe twice a year.So it is unlikely they'll then insist you bottom for him. Like always, negotiate prior to play.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 10/12/2010 11:51:43 AM >

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RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 12:02:14 PM

sofldan

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I can't speak for everyone out there but, being dominant is who I am. With that being said when I was introduced to the lifestyle my first experiences were that of being the bottom. I enjoyed the pain but did not enjoy giving up control. And everything inside me wanted to be on the other end of the whip so to speak. But it took me a little time to say it. It was the experience itself that intrigued me, learning to trust someone in a more intimate way than I ever trusted anyone else before. So I think it has given me a more in depth perspective as to how to build that trust with someone else, and also
was a learning experience on how to top. Because I paid attention to how the Mistress did things how little touches here and there and how she was reading how I was doing physically and mentally.

From that I learned more about me and what I wanted. I would not consider myself a switch because I would probably not do that again. My roommate and mentor in learning to top asked me if I would ever do it again for a auction for a good cause. Maybe for something that would benefit a good cause, but for anything else no way.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 4

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 1:50:36 PM

ResidentSadist

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In my book, either you is a switch or you ain't. Somehow the stigma of switches makes a lot of insecure people with competitive egos claim to be Dom's when they aren't . . . but hey, wife at the mall, kids at school, a six pack and a computer have the same effect.

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I give good thread.

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RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 2:41:02 PM

sofldan

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RS I would have to differ from your opinion on this one. And here is why, my personal road into the lifestyle and that I experienced life from both ends of the flogger. And that I know I don't want to bottom, but given a circumstance such as what I demonstrated I would. I am sure if a club or private party were to have a charity type auction lets say to benefit some cause that's worthwhile there would be willing doms to subject themselves to be bottoms to raise money to help. And I don't think that that would make someone a switch. they are merely sacrificing something for a cause.

and then there are people who like myself came into the life later in life and needed a chance to explore both sides of it. I liken it to that girl in college or whenever decides to explore her sexuality and has sex with another woman, and decides it's not her thing. Is she to be branded for life as bi-sexual if she doesn't identify with it?

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 6

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 3:20:34 PM

WolfyMontgomery

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Fast Reply =)

I don't think that necessarily 'bottoming' in play makes one a switch. Sure there are plenty that it does (make them switches) but there are others who do it who are still technically in control. I bottom from the bottom and can't really even get myself to top from the bottom most times, because I just can never find the right headspace for it. Master, though, is always on top, even if he's enjoying a bottom role - we do what HE wants, even if it involves me being the hungry vampiress with a cane who's hungry and punishing the yummy morsel who isn't letting her bite him (I usually don't end up using the cane, it's just for show lol, it feels weird for me to even hold it sometimes). The entire point is that it's what he wants to do, and it's him that's in control of the scene.

I've always felt that that was the major difference between a Dom, a sub, and a switch. Master is definitely a Dom because he always wants to be in control of things involving him, I am definitely a submissive-type because I do not like being in control of things involving me, and switches enjoy an equal (and sometimes not so equal) mixture of both having control and giving up control, depending on the situation.

Then again, I've never heard Master - when we have played with other Dom-types and he's done sub-like things (it's flippin sexy when... well... maybe I shouldn't say) say that he's going to "sub for the session". Most he might mention is bottoming, and he makes it pretty clear long beforehand so everyone agrees that he is pretty much going to top from the bottom, and if they want to top from the top, they gotta get it from me lol. I mean, it's damn sexy when he does sub-type stuff, but even when he does them, you can tell he does them because HE wanted to, and he chose to. You can always tell who's in control.

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Post #: 7

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 4:24:05 PM

porcelaine

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Orchid62

1-Is this real or does it eventually turn into "I did that for you, now you have to do this for me" type of thing? I ask because I was interested in at least two of them, but declined due to lack of understanding.

2-if one has some occasional submissive desires, is he not more likely be a switch than a Dom?

Greetings O,

Generalizations always have exceptions. In my opinion it's much better to pose the question instead of relying on perceptions that might be incorrect. Also, I don't believe participating in dominant or submissive activities alters someone's orientation. We're complex multifaceted creatures. When we attempt to affix labels and limitations on others we negate the beauty that difference brings. Some individuals lean in one direction and have no desire to augment this. Others are comfortable drifting between both avenues and identify as such. Finally, there are those that recognize they have a deep connection to each element but the entire person is one particular orientation.

Suggesting that an individual is either or is akin to saying a chocolate lover can't have strawberry ice cream. Their diversity and willingness to satisfy divergent tastes doesn't negate that they still love chocolate. We're simply encountering someone that's achieved some measure of comfort where they're not afraid to indulge the senses without concern for what that means.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to Orchid62)

Post #: 8

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 4:48:39 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Activity does not define the person. The Man is a contractor and it isn't unusual for him to want his shoulder or feet rubbed after a long day. Does this mean he is a sub because I'm doing something to him? Not here. And there have been times he's rubbed my foot when it acts up (horse stepped on it), does that mean because I'm the receiver of a pleasurable sensation that he's suddenly not in charge? Not how I view it.

I've had massages. Both light ones and deep tissue ones. Could you really say that I was submitting to a deep tissue massage even when I arranged for it simply because it hurts in the moment? Or am I topping because I called a massage therapist who does more energy work and less painful massages? To me, the activity does not define the person.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to porcelaine)

Post #: 9

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 5:01:12 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sofldan

RS I would have to differ from your opinion on this one. And here is why, my personal road into the lifestyle and that I experienced life from both ends of the flogger. And that I know I don't want to bottom, but given a circumstance such as what I demonstrated I would. I am sure if a club or private party were to have a charity type auction lets say to benefit some cause that's worthwhile there would be willing doms to subject themselves to be bottoms to raise money to help. And I don't think that that would make someone a switch. they are merely sacrificing something for a cause.

and then there are people who like myself came into the life later in life and needed a chance to explore both sides of it. I liken it to that girl in college or whenever decides to explore her sexuality and has sex with another woman, and decides it's not her thing. Is she to be branded for life as bi-sexual if she doesn't identify with it?

I beg to differ . . . I grew into a dominant Master by educated preference. During my education I was a sadomasochistic switch in my teens. Although I was a 'Master to be' while experimenting on both sides of the fence, it was still switching. I currently don't advertise with an offer to "sub for sessions" as described in the OP. If you seek encounters as both Dom & sub and/or Top & bottom and/or sadist & masochistic, the world of BDSM is clear about what you are. You are a switch.

As to your other points and examples:
I am hetro by educated preference. I was bisexual in my teens but I am not now nor have I been for 35 years. I don't go around offering to have sex with men or be a "fag for a day". If I did, I would be bisexual.

While instructing others in a BDSM specialty, I have on rare occasion let them strike me a few times to get the hang of it. I did not let them beat me into subspace, become a "sub for a day" nor was I "masochist for a minute".

The situation in the OP and my point are clear. If you list yourself as a "Dom" and seek to "sub" for sessions . . . you're a fucking switch. Go fix your profile.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 10/12/2010 5:02:09 PM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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Post #: 10

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 5:21:35 PM

sofldan

Posts: 150
Joined: 11/15/2008
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RS I am glad that this forum provides intellectual discourse. The argument you just gave I would have to agree with. While someone is actively seeking to bottom and they are a self professed dominant then yes that would be a switch and they should change the profile from dom/domme to switch. Thanks for the clarification of your point. I have a ton of questions scenarios that I was going to go with but they all end up going right back to the point you just made. I would say my confusion was clarified by the term "actively seeking". That's what makes it unargueable.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 11

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 6:17:37 PM

Orchid62

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Interesting statement, thank you.

Why is there a stigma attached to switching? The way I see it, a switch is capable of having fun in any situation, is it not true? It's like being bi-sexual, you can go around doing everyone There is no shame in either.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 12

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 7:10:58 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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I think you might enjoy reading this thread. http://www.collarchat.com/m_3283209/tm.htm

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Orchid62)

Post #: 13

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 7:21:10 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
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I don't quite get it myself. I'm a Dom and a Top, and life is simple to understand. I have heard from some Dommes that they like to get spanked occasionally, but they made it clear that it was a sessioning thing only, and that they would not submit anywhere else.That's complicated for my little mind.

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 14

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 7:40:37 PM

Orchid62

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Joined: 9/8/2010
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Thank you Lady,

Can't say I 'enjoyed' reading it, but it is definitely enlightening. So, do you agree as well that a mostly dominant male wouldn't call himself a switch in the fear of being discriminated against?

It was somewhat assuring reading your first response, I would not want to meet someone who would turn Dom on me and ruin the fun. (I do realize there are no guaranties).

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/12/2010 8:09:32 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Orchid62

Thank you Lady,

You're welcome.

quote:

Can't say I 'enjoyed' reading it, but it is definitely enlightening. So, do you agree as well that a mostly dominant male wouldn't call himself a switch in the fear of being discriminated against?

I wouldn't necessarily call it a "fear". What I would call it would be someone who knows that people in the lifestyle have different opinions on the matter. There are some submissives out there who can not see their Dominant in the same way if they know that person also wants to submit or bottom. People's personal preferences in their intimate relationships do not equal discrimination.

quote:

It was somewhat assuring reading your first response, I would not want to meet someone who would turn Dom on me and ruin the fun. (I do realize there are no guaranties).

Keep in mind, that's not to say that might not be the motivation for those who have asked you to engage with them in this way. People do things for a multitude of reasons.

Quick story. I was at a Christmas party that included the people of My local munch group at the time. Someone fairly new to the area was talking with Me. Not knowing Me, he asked Me if I ever switched. The entire room fell silent, then broke out in laughter.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Orchid62)

Post #: 16

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/13/2010 7:56:03 AM

bliss4us09

Posts: 106
Joined: 3/31/2009
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No one answer to either one of these questions. In general, though, I'd offer that if topping the (sometimes) Dom is what you want to do (and,of course, if all safety protocols have been established), go for it. "I did it for you" does not carry any obligation as far as I'm concerned.

(in reply to Orchid62)

Post #: 17

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/13/2010 8:33:04 AM

Twoshoes

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Joined: 7/27/2010
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It almost makes sense to change my profile to Bi switch so I only get messaged by open-minded people.

Not sure if that'd be lying, though.

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Post #: 18

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/13/2010 11:43:24 AM

dananddawn

Posts: 56
Joined: 9/12/2007
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"1-Is this real or does it eventually turn into "I did that for you, now you have to do this for me" type of thing?"

People you meet online are more likely to 'now that I flogged you, suck my cock' but not always. People at an event (public play space) would do this much more rarely.

(To the rest of the thread - Whew! Confusing to me as the word "Dom" continues to have multiple meanings - I try not to use it anymore :)
Sometimes people say "Dominant" and they mean top, sometimes they mean "in charge of power exchange relationship"

My opinion based on my experience:
Master - leads a power control relationship. Nothing to do with play.
Top - leads a play scene. The person who swings a flogger or maybe dominates a specified scene via limited time power exchange, but still, it is for play.
Switch - likes to top and bottom. )

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Post #: 19

RE: A sub for a day? - 10/13/2010 3:46:14 PM

crazyml

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Joined: 7/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Orchid62
So, do you agree as well that a mostly dominant male wouldn't call himself a switch in the fear of being discriminated against?

I think it's sometimes a question of degree.... if someone is 99.9% Dom, and only has a teensy .1% of sub in them it may not make sense to identify as a switch.

Speaking only for myself - I've switched once, it was 8 or so years ago, and it was utterly fab. I'm still friends with the gal in question, and it was pretty clear to both of us that while it was utterly fab, it was a once-only thing. Will I switch again?.. quite possibly, but I'm not looking for a sub experience, and certainly don't lust after one, so I identify as a Dom rather than a switch.

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Post #: 20

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