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External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 5:43:30 PM   
SuddenAgain


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/13/2010
Status: offline 		Here is something some of you can probably answer from experience.

I've met a sub and we seem to be hitting it off well enough to want to engage in some play. We're both involved in vanilla relationships, so we're just looking for some very discreet occasional play.

I want her to feel safe (in that she's not going to get raped or worse) so that she can feel free to relax. I have been moving slowly and been entirely honest in an attempt to build trust, but I would like her to have a real sense of external security.

Given our situations, she doesn't have options like telling a friend. So what can I or she do to give her the sense that she will have some way out that isn't totally dependent on me?
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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 5:45:12 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		The term for your situation is Mutual Assured Destruction.  Either one of you can destroy the other's life.  If that's not good enough for her, I doubt you can offer anything else.

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 5:47:23 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Why can't she tell a friend?

She can surely tell the friend she's going to a house because of a craigslist ad for puppies, or a job interview, or to see a friend in bad part of town...

Safe calls do not require being completely honest!

January

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 5:47:43 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		go to a local dungeon, play party.


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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 5:52:45 PM   
SuddenAgain


Posts: 2
Joined: 10/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

The term for your situation is Mutual Assured Destruction.  Either one of you can destroy the other's life.  If that's not good enough for her, I doubt you can offer anything else.

She's not demanding it; I just think it's good practice. I'd prefer something a little less radical if; well if anyone has come up with something.


quote:

Why can't she tell a friend?

She can surely tell the friend she's going to a house because of a craigslist ad for puppies, or a job interview, or to see a friend in bad part of town...

Safe calls do not require being completely honest!

OK, maybe I can work with that. But we're both in vanilla relationships. So: going to some random hotel room for a job interview isn't quite as good of a story. :)

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 6:05:18 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuddenAgain
But we're both in vanilla relationships. So: going to some random hotel room for a job interview isn't quite as good of a story. :)


Hi Sudden,

Now I'm getting the feeling you don't really care about safety at all, but you're looking for ways to hide cheating from your respective vanilla partners. Sorry, if that's the case, I've got no advice for you.

January


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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 6:06:16 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Go play at a public dungeon? You don't need to use your real names. Many people are only identified by scene names.

Or just like if she met some guy and agreed to go back to his place. All she can do is trust her instincts.


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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 6:17:32 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Tell both partners that you're in vanilla relationships with.  Automatic safe call.  Problem solved.

My other half has been My safe call person on a number of occasions.


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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/13/2010 11:14:29 PM   
wandersalone


Posts: 4666
Joined: 11/21/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuddenAgain

I want her to feel safe (in that she's not going to get raped or worse) so that she can feel free to relax. I have been moving slowly and been entirely honest in an attempt to build trust, but I would like her to have a real sense of external security.



Just out of interest.... the entirely honest (bolding by me)  thing.... does this include you being entirely honest to your vanilla partner?  Do they get to feel safe and relaxed or is that a perk only for the new person?




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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 1:48:13 AM   
newbie2750


Posts: 33
Joined: 3/25/2010
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		I haven't looked at your location, but I know one person who has used the National Safecall Network in America. That might help you.

(in reply to wandersalone)
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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 6:04:31 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone
does this include you being entirely honest to your vanilla partner?  Do they get to feel safe and relaxed or is that a perk only for the new person?

Silly wanders.  It's just for the kinkster.  Subhuman vanillas don't deserve the same level of compassion and honesty from their BDSM superiors.


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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 6:18:19 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		There is no such thing as "safety", external or otherwise, when you are engaged in a deception.  Your own decisions are dictating your limited choices.

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 7:19:22 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SuddenAgain
been entirely honest in an attempt to build trust,
How can you trust someone that starts the whole thing off with a lie?

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 8:14:09 AM   
LadyRian


Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: SuddenAgain
been entirely honest in an attempt to build trust,
How can you trust someone that starts the whole thing off with a lie?


You can't. The lie always comes out, and yes, it's as Dark Steven said, Mutually Assured Destruction. Or worse.  Not cool.  This is the voice of experience speaking, and it's a horrible lesson to have to learn. Because no matter how honest you may think you're being, you aren't, because you can't be.The vanilla partners are being deceived. They don't deserve that.   Lies are always discovered, eventually, by someone. And they hurt. A lot.  Please listen.


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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 8:15:25 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

The term for your situation is Mutual Assured Destruction.  Either one of you can destroy the other's life.  If that's not good enough for her, I doubt you can offer anything else.


I never heard that term; I like it, MAD. I also think CAD would work well. (Consensual Assured Destruction). Especially as it relates to vanilla partners.

Has a nice ring to it...

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 8:17:22 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		FAD.

Fucked assured destruction 

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 8:22:24 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		That works too. :)

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 9:15:33 AM   
LadyRian


Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline 		Sorrowfully Assured Destruction.  That works too. 

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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 10:01:36 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		Well, Stephen is right really.

If you're having to be discreet, it goes with the territory that you probably have to just get to the point where you DO actually trust each other and not trying to *prove* you can be trusted.

Many people take the risk at some point, that the person they are talking to/planning to play with, isn't going to hack them up and hide the pieces.

No matter how much you'd like her to have some other sense of security, it's not very likely, given your circumstances, that you can.

Do remember that YOU are taking a risk as well.

agirl



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RE: External Safety in Highly Discreet Play - 10/14/2010 10:01:58 AM   
jujubeeMB


Posts: 723
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline 		OP, even if I had great advice on how to cheat on your vanilla partners safely, I wouldn't give it. If you can't tell anyone because you're afraid your significant others will find out, I have no sympathy for you or your new partner.

And really, in terms of what you can do to assure safety, you can't. If I met someone who was the sort of person who would cheat on someone they were in a monogamous relationship with, I wouldn't trust them with petty morals like not lying to me about what they intend to do with me.

(in reply to LadyRian)
Profile   Post #: 20
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