|
LadyNTrainer -> RE: How many times should one make a request. (11/2/2010 11:25:15 AM)
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: naughtynick81
In regards to your comment towards me. You see, there is a lot of bigotry towards male sexuality that I see far too often around here. A man simply expressing what he likes sexually is considered by you and a lot of people as someone who is waggling tongues with their cock in their hand. They are practically someone who is evil until proven otherwise,
A man who approaches me on my friends-only profile, ignores everything I've said about my wish not to be sexually propositioned, and crudely propositions me anyway, is behaving with a total lack of respect and consideration for another human being. An exact analogy would be a findomme/scammer who emails men whose profiles say "I don't pay tribute or do pro sessions, don't even ask, and I'm not into humiliation" and yells at them to give her money because they are worthless pigs.
In both cases, these people are being assholes. Is that really a difficult concept for you to understand? Or would you say that a woman who did not respect your stated limits and persistently emailed you demanding that you give her money was acting like a decent, considerate human being? She isn't; she's acting like an asshole. And so is the guy who sends crude emails.
A lot of women have as a hard limit that they don't want to be approached sexually by strangers, and they don't want to talk to men who are being crude. Part of the reason for this is that literally 95% of the mail a woman is likely to get on an adult site will fall into the category of sexual pursuit while socially ignoring her as a person and ignoring all of her stated likes and limits. And a smaller but still substantial percentage take it to the next level and are actively hostile and aggressive, especially when she's not interested. I don't know why the vast majority of men who write women on adult sites behave like this, but the reality is that they do. And it's asshole behavior.
It is still asshole behavior when women do it to men, or women to women, or men to men. This is actually something I hear from gay and bisexual men also, as well as a lot of transgendered folks. My partner (he's pansexual) deleted his nice, friendly, respectable profile from a number of GLBT social sites for basically the same reason; he got sick of his overtures of friendship being ignored while he got questions about his dick size and offers to fuck and suck. Gender is not the issue; people who are not considerate of other people's personal boundaries are.
The situation is unfair to both men and women, because what may be a relatively small number of assholes (they just email a lot of women) are bombarding every female profile on the site to the point that a woman who comes here is going to feel like her phone is constantly ringing with obscene crank calls. If this happened to you 95% of the time, you would start to feel suspicious every time the phone rang. The odds are excellent that it's going to be one more tiresome, obscene crank call. Want to bet that you'd be a little less eager to answer your phone, a little less friendly, welcoming and happy to say hello? This really isn't fair to the nice guys, but it's also not fair to expect anyone to feel any other way when they are perpetually shell-shocked from a constant crank call bombardment. Which we are.
Realistically in this environment, the nice guys have to take the extra time to make sure they don't look like the not-nice guys if they don't want to get hung up on quickly. Sexy or kinky rather than human friendly in the very first introduction sends the message that like 95% of the other guys emailing her, you are ignoring her as a human being and only actually communicating with your dick. If you don't make it clear that you *are* acknowledging her as a person, speaking to her like a normal human being and having an actual two-way communication, you're going to be put into the 95% asshole category whether that is an accurate reflection of you as a person or not.
quote:
There is a difference between cyber than there is for a man to simply express “this is the kinky scenarios I seek”. If she likes this, lets move on to the next step.
Um, that's why you have that stuff listed in your profile. And most likely so does she. It's a good thing if that information is made available to her, but there's a huge difference between having it available and having it skull-fucked into your eye sockets. [:'(]
If she's on this site, you already know she's kinky, and her orientation will be listed in her profile. Since you already know this, how about treating her like a real human being who also happens to be a femdom into CBT? It's a good idea to have a normal conversation to get to know her as a person before sticking your dick in her face. You already know she likes tying up penises, but what you cannot assume is that she will want to tie up yours if she does not know you or like you as a person. So talk to her like a person first.
I think it's a good idea for men to be straightforward and honest about the kink they're looking for. It is possible to be straightforward and honest WITHOUT being rude, crude, aggressive, hostile, or refusing to take the time to talk to her in a friendly way first. That's what I mean about leading with your dick, or whipping it out before you have taken the time to even introduce yourself.
quote:
A male sub is entitled to have a selection criteria to. He is not entitled to play these fantasies with any woman he wants, he is just entitled to wish these fantasies and make it a big priority for the woman he meets. And this is where the “do me sub” crap comes into it.
All human beings in civilized countries can select their intimate partners with whatever criteria they wish. However, both men and women who are insensitive to the social comfort levels of others are going to have a damn hard time finding people willing to be their partners.
I think you're confusing the unrealistic fantasy mindset of "submissives have no human needs or feelings and exist only to do what their dominants want" with the issue of "subs" on adult sites who are so focused on their own sexual desires that they literally treat femdoms like things and not like people with feelings and needs of their own. In *both* cases, the fundamental mistake being made here is that kink can be substituted for human relationship dynamics. Kink is not a shortcut to wanting to get to know someone before wanting to see their dick. Neither is it a shortcut for honesty, personal transparency, communication and negotiation in a relationship. It is also not an excuse not to be willing to meet your partners' basic emotional and sexual needs.
quote:
Yes, a man would be expected to introduce himself as a person to, but as this is the BDSM scene and these types of sites are focused mainly on BDSM, you have to expect the first email to be revolved around that particular interest to see if there is a kinky match before going further. Kinky relationships are a lot more complicated than vanilla relationships.
When we already know we're among kinksters, we can relax and be ourselves and get to know people as people, because the filtering has already been accomplished. You can't email someone without seeing their profile (and if you can, you shouldn't), so you already know whether there is a potential kinky match or not. If you still come across as being so obsessed with kinky sex that you can't take the time to introduce yourself and have a normal conversation to determine your compatibility as human beings, the obvious conclusion is that you care about getting your kink on but you don't care about finding out whether you like the person you're kinking with. And that looks pretty bad.
I don't care if a guy has every single kink interest that I do. If he's totally into the Denver Broncos and I don't know or want to know what sport they play, we might not be compatible. If I'm a hardcore gamer geek and he thinks that people who play D&D and dress up for Ren Faires are loser nerds, we're definitely not compatible. This stuff is just as critically important as the kink compatibility, or more so, in determining who I'm willing to spend time with and be intimate with. If you don't bother checking personal compatibility because you're too busy trying to figure out how to get a woman to let you sniff her feet, we're already done before we even got started.
quote:
Another problem is that it seems more acceptable for a domme to expect a man to kiss her ass or suck up within the first email as its BDSM dynamics. Yet a man is seen different to express his sexual kinky needs straight up to find out if he should go further or move on in his search.
I think you're spending too much time looking at scammer profiles and fake profiles. I know very few femdoms in real life who expect anything more than normal human courtesy from people of any orientation when they are first approached.
|
|
|
|
