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Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 9:21:05 AM

katsdf69

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Hi, everyone !!! I want to know , if as a sub, on a vanilla night, do i have the right to disagree with my Dom ? He says, after i am collared, i have to be quiet if He tells me to, Need your advice ?? kat

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 9:26:07 AM

mnottertail

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It is what you agree on. I would advise you to have a open mike night as it were, so that you may speak freely each to their own for some length of time, with no distractions, no phone calls, no friends over, no parties no nothing but freedom to talk without repercussion.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 9:26:10 AM

sexyred1

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I had to check your age before replying....

I can speak whenever I want wherever I want and to whomever I want, collared or not.

I would never have the type of dynamic where someone would tell me I could not communicate with them, unless it was negotiated during a play situation.

However, that is me and not you. YOU have to do whatever you feel comfortable with. The opinions of those on a message board are not likely to affect the relationship parameters you have with your Dom.

Remember, always, one size does not fit all, in subs or Doms.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 9:26:11 AM

stef

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If he's going to hold you to a standard of behavior that you disagree with then perhaps you should reconsider wearing his collar.

~stef

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 9:32:03 AM

DarkSteven

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If I tell my collared sub to be quiet, I expect her to be quiet. That will occur if:

1. We've discussed something and I felt I had all the info I need to make a decision, and I've made it, and she doesn't like it.
2. I've got a lot of stress at the moment and I need some quiet.

That said, I have no idea what a vanilla night is or how that could affect the issue of being quiet.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 9:48:58 AM

katsdf69

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Thank-you so much for your reply,kat

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 9:58:31 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: katsdf69
Hi, everyone !!! I want to know , if as a sub, on a vanilla night, do i have the right to disagree with my Dom ? He says, after i am collared, i have to be quiet if He tells me to, Need your advice ?? kat

Same answer I give to every "rights" question. Why don't you tell me where these "rights" come from and then I'll tell you whether you have the right or not. Is there some book somewhere I should've read?

You have the RIGHT to whatever you do and to cope, for better or worse, with the results of that.

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~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 10:06:46 AM

Aileen1968

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From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: katsdf69

Hi, everyone !!! I want to know , if as a sub, on a vanilla night, do i have the right to disagree with my Dom ? He says, after i am collared, i have to be quiet if He tells me to, Need your advice ?? kat

I don't have "vanilla nights." I have times (many) where we may do vanilla things, but the power exchange dynamic is always there.
Your rights are unique to what kind of relationship the two of you have.
For me, I can disagree with him, but I don't have the right to not do what he decides. He may ask for my opinion. Or he may tell me to shut up.
Either way...I do and accept his final decision. I knew that this was how it was to be going into the relationship.
It appears as if he is telling you that that is how it needs to be for him.
You have to decide if that type of relationship is what you want and if it will make you happy.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 10:09:45 AM

barelynangel

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What is a "vanilla" life. When i was a slave the collar didn't go off one minute and on the next. He was always the ultimate authority in our relationship and if he wanted me to be quiet at any given time, i would either obey or not. It was up to him to decide if my disobedience got disciplined and what discipline that would entail.

Hell i disagreed with him many times, whether he chose to hear my disagreement was up to him.

To me, i think if you are running to a board such as this for "advise" on whether or not you dom has a right to tell you to shut up, on many levels tells me you aren't ready for this type of relationship.

He can tell you anything in your relationship in the end, you will obey or disobey. He will deal with same based on the parameters of your relationship. Even if my Master told me to shut up, didn't mean i didn't disagree with him, didn't mean i wasn't royally pissed he didn't want to hear about it. All it meant was at that time and place, he didn't want to hear it - but i wouldn't suggest writing it on a piece of paper telling him you disagree if he told you to shut up lol. I learned the hard way just because he didn't "hear" me say it, didn't mean he wouldn't beat my ass for showing it to him.

just sayin`

angel

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 11:19:48 AM

lizi

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However the two of you fill the roles in your relationship is decided by the two of you. Some subs can express themselves according to how their power dynamic exists, some cannot. It does seem as though he is expecting to have the final say in things and what he says goes. If this works for you then accept this collar, if not then move on.

My Dom expects me to give him my opinion if I have one and say things that I think are pertinent to the situation. He will also ask me outright for my opinion and/or preferences if there is something he wants to know. He then expects me to defer to his decisions. This is how our dynamic works. We don't happen to have rules about me expressing myself, if we did however I would honor them. For me it's not a dealbreaker to be quiet. If it is for you then I'd advise you to reconsider being collared to him.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 11:43:34 AM

Lockit

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It really doesn't matter if we would allow your speaking or not or if we do things any way that we do in our relationships. What does matter is that your dominant partner expects this to be the way it is. If you have a hard time with that now, you can bet your pretty panties you will have a bigger problem with it later on.

So what matters now is... are you going to agree to something you don't feel comfortable with to start with? It isn't your dominant you need to worry about. You know what he expects. What you need to worry about is why you would accept something you really aren't comfortable with and worry about.

Personally, at a certain point if I say no more, I mean no more and my submissive better understand and believe that I am reasonable and it is reasonable when I say no more. But when in a relationship, I have proven myself and I don't let a relationship get so far that anyone is off balance on how things will go. The only time I've had problems in this area is when someone wasn't playing nice and wasn't being truthful about themselves in some way. I am fair... I can't say that either of you are being fair because I don't know, but from the sounds of it... you have a long way to go before I would be agreeing to dominate in a too soon or too unstable situation.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 11:50:53 AM

littlewonder

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In my relationship I can speak out anytime I like..unless he says otherwise. If he tells me to be quiet then I shut up. If he wants me to speak then I speak. His choice.

If you are not comfortable in such a relationship that he states then you are incompatible and you move on. It's pretty clear.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 12:14:10 PM

lally2

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whats right for one is wrong for another and vice versa - if that is the dynamic youre entering into then you accept it or you dont - stay or go - you call youreself a sub/slave, if that is the case then you are presumably entering into a TPE relationship. do you know what that means? it means that you lose any right to a choice on matters youre master has deemed to be so. if that isnt for you, strike 'slave' from yuore profile and find a slightly more egalitarian, open dynamic

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 1:41:15 PM

DesFIP

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The only person who can decide if this is healthy for you is you. I will say that he rarely tells me to be quiet but when he does, I do. Almost always it's in a stressful situation where he's trying to solve a problem and me being upset makes it harder. He doesn't do it because he's too insecure to be told that he's making a major mistake.

So why is your partner telling you that he doesn't want you to talk freely in the future? Does he have a history of bad relationships caused by his inability to communicate, to listen, to be able to accept criticism and take ownership of problems he has caused? Because that is unfortunately quite often seen in d/s relationships, a man choosing this as a way of not learning relationship skills. If so, then I would advise you to terminate the relationship immediately.

If however, he only wants it for short periods so he can concentrate, that's perfectly healthy. There are times I have told him that if he wants me to do what he needs me to do for him, he has to shut up and let me do it. Because my multitasking abilities have limits.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 2:02:14 PM

Focus50

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quote:

ORIGINAL: katsdf69

Hi, everyone !!! I want to know , if as a sub, on a vanilla night, do i have the right to disagree with my Dom ? He says, after i am collared, i have to be quiet if He tells me to, Need your advice ?? kat

Of course you do - vanillas are *equal*...!

For those seemingly baffled by the concept of a "vanilla night", to me it's anytime I want to share and gain input from a fellow mature adult who has the added advantage of being able to think and rationalise as only a *female* mind can.

It comes under the heading of owning ALL my girl is.... And I can't fully access that from her if she stalls everytime she's thinking along different lines to me. So yeah, by all means disagree if she thinks I've got something wrong because that's how I ultimately make INFORMED decisions.

It does not affect a D/s dynamic - that's always available anytime I need it to be. And I've got nothing but memories of frustration and exasperation from two former subs whose default answer to everytime I sought input was "whatever you want/think"! Arrggghhhh!!!!!

He's right about one thing; if he tells you to be quiet within a given moment, then yeah...! But if this collar means shackling your mind and ability to communicate altogether, then he better be prepared for dealing with the fallout of stress related issues.

Focus.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 2:57:48 PM

sofldan

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Just remember he is the one in control, having said that if there is something you have to communicate then by all means do so. Every relationship dynamic is different but there should never be a break down in communication when that happens you are going to be going down a dark and lonely road.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 3:44:02 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: katsdf69

Hi, everyone !!! I want to know , if as a sub, on a vanilla night, do i have the right to disagree with my Dom ? He says, after i am collared, i have to be quiet if He tells me to, Need your advice ?? kat

I always speak up. He enjoys the discourse with me regarding just about everything. We usually have fun with our disagreements - we both enjoy the intellectual challenge. It's seldom an order to keep quiet (thought that happens here and there). More, it's both of our roles to truly try to put ourselves in the other person's shoes,...to truly try to grow and appreciate the other side. For him, that may mean leading me in a way other than a direct order of silence but rather, helping me to accept his conclusion through discussion. For me, that means digging so much deeper than I've ever tried for anyone before and bringing up that part of me that is a little bit pissed at having to give in/be wrong/accept that he doesn't see things my way and learning to live with it - with his help. I love that about us. I could never be in a relationship where I couldn't talk with him about...anything.

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 4:09:25 PM

WolfyMontgomery

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As everyone else has said, it all depends on the agreements that you and he have made within the relationship between yourselves. If it was not agreed upon and he's just sprung it up on you as something "All slaves/subs do", then I'd honestly start thinking about where he's gotten his facts from and whether he's mature/knowledgeable enough to have a serious relationship with, and either A: have a serious sit-down talk with him about both of our wants and needs, or B: look elsewhere for someone more willing to negotiate and understanding that not EVERYONE is like that.

So before you get collared, really talk to him about this, make sure it's something that the two of you agree on, not just something HE wants, and make sure that whatever he is wanting, it isn't going to get in the way of serious communication that needs to be done in any and all relationships.

As for me, Master expects me to communicate my feelings on matters to make sure he can make a decision that is pleasing and good for both of us, or if he does decide to make a decision that is only good for him, that it will not hurt me too badly and he knows that he should or should not do anything to make sure I am still of healthy mind and body. Yes, he can order me to silence, and has before, but he would not do such during critical communication moments, and if he does I have permission to disobey that order if I feel it may hurt me in any way, because an unhealthy slave (in mind or body) cannot serve as well as a healthy slave. He wants to make sure my well-being is kept to standard so that I can happily serve him and serve him well.

Edited to add:
And of course, in the given permission to disobey his order of silence, I have to have a good reason for disobeying. If I don't (like I'll just be annoyed at whatever decision he will make and thus I feel like disobeying to make him change it for my benefit) he will punish me for it, because that was just me being a spoiled bitch =P

< Message edited by WolfyMontgomery -- 10/16/2010 4:12:51 PM >

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 4:25:33 PM

sweetsub1957

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quote:

ORIGINAL: katsdf69

Hi, everyone !!! I want to know , if as a sub, on a vanilla night, do i have the right to disagree with my Dom ? He says, after i am collared, i have to be quiet if He tells me to, Need your advice ?? kat

Well, Daddy & I don't ever have a "vanilla night." BUT, He also tells me "Never be afraid to say what you want or need," and "Shhhhh" and "Quiet" mean.....quiet. So I can say what I want/need/think, but if He says "Quiet," well, I'm expected to be quiet. The bottom line is, what matters is what you and your Dom have agreed to, not what we think. Your dynamic may not be the same as mine or any other person's.

Of course you have the right to disagree with your Dom, but what you do with that depends upon the rules in your relationship. If you're never allowed to voice that disagreement in any way whatsoever, be prepared to deal with lots of anxiety and stress-related issues. This is just my opinion.

~sweetsub~

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RE: Can i speak or not ??? - 10/16/2010 5:49:50 PM

AnimusRex

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Isn't there some sort of United Nations Charter of BDSM, wherein is specifically sets out the binding rules and bylaws of the International Brotherhood of Mastery?

I'm pretty sure there is; else why would people always ask "Can a sub do this or that", or "Shouldn't a Master do so and so", or even, "What is a True Slave?"

My copy seems to have been mislaid somewhere.

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