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RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/20/2010 3:42:50 PM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
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Oddly enough, I came in to the lifestyle by virtue of being "adopted" as a sort of "kid sister" by some extremely sweet Leathermen when I lived in P-town back in the very early eighties. I lived next door to them, we got to be friends, and they took a shine to the skinny, geeky punk rock girl with spiky bleached hair that was me back then. They invited me to their parties, and I was fascinated. Absolutely fascinated. I knew without a doubt right then and there that this was where I was supposed to be. I always viewed sexual expression in a different way than my vanilla friends, and when I met the Leathermen, I knew what was different about me. Something clicked, things fell into place in my head, and I knew.
I met some amazing people, and I learned a lot about things. But I ended up moving away, and for 20 years afterward I tried to live a vanilla life. It didn't work. What's inside eventually comes out, one way or another. I finally decided I couldn't take it anymore and came out of the vanilla closet completely a few years back, and started living life as myself, no more compromising.
How did I get to CM?
I heard some good things about it on a different site. I checked it out and decided that I like CM a lot better than that one, and here I am.

< Message edited by LadyRian -- 10/20/2010 3:43:21 PM >

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Post #: 21

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/20/2010 5:57:48 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

I always found myself excited by thoughts of dominating a woman. In my early 20's I ran into a woman who was into bondage and spanking. She got it and gave me a porn bdsm book to read. We often talked about bdsm techniques and tried many of them.

So over the years various relationships would build on the bdsm theme with me until finally I was only happy with submissives and went to places, real and online, where I could find them. Over the years, I also improved tremendously as a Dom to the point where it became natural and never forced in any way.

I found CM by some link that I can't even remember. It's nice to share thoughts with similar people who understand what's going on. We validate each other and give each other respect.

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You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

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Post #: 22

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/20/2010 7:09:47 PM

MMsCandy

Posts: 71
Joined: 10/19/2010
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Yanno i am gonna address that "fit in" thing... i have never quite felt like i truly "fit in" anywhere but with M he is the only person i feel i completely mesh with.

Community wise, people wise, online wise i tend to just hang out with people i really LIKE to heck if our relationship styles match - other things do like wicked senses of humors LOL or love of games or our general banter styles match or one gal and i who get our fav things for lunch every here and there and get our toes done too LOL.

Don't worry so much about fitting in and worry more about just being you and enjoying the heck out of your life.

I have met people who live a life very similar to mine and yet had NOTHING at all in common with them outside of this - THIS doesn't make a friendship.

(in reply to ExSteelAgain)

Post #: 23

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/20/2010 7:20:28 PM

MMsCandy

Posts: 71
Joined: 10/19/2010
Status: offline

BTW as far as what you want/need - well you just gotta figure out what makes you tick (i know not helpful) read a lot ,read everything take what turns your key and dump what doesn't - and then keep reading and keep thinking - books (like different loving, screw the roses, yadda) erotica if that helps, boards like this, etc. but it's a process not an instant thing.

What really helped me in the beginning was writing - i wrote everything down all my thoughts got sorted out, etc. Big time helpful.

(in reply to MMsCandy)

Post #: 24

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/21/2010 11:10:04 PM

darkmatter24

Posts: 34
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline

It seems that the path for most women has been different than the majority of men and that aligns with my personal experiences. I was drawn to this lifestyle, albeit subconsciously, very early in life. Long before puberty hit, I already saw the strange allure of a damsel-in-distress, typically encountered while watching movies, but also experienced viscerally through some childhood activities like the proverbial cowboys and indians/cops and robbers games where a "fair maiden" would get captured by some evil villains. This type of play would naturally incorporate some innocuous tie-up games that nonetheless had great effect on some developing (and impressionable) minds.

Women on the other hand predominantly open themselves up to experimentation much later in life. I wonder how much of that is real and how much just a pose designed to make it seem more innocent and incidental. :)

(in reply to MMsCandy)

Post #: 25

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/22/2010 3:19:16 AM

DaddyRsgirl

Posts: 29
Joined: 10/19/2010
Status: offline

I knew from a very young age the sort of things that interested me/turned me on. It took me til about a year ago to Google a few terms, find a few sites and realise I was not alone! I still have lots I want to explore but taking things slowly while I learn all I can. (I just wish the internet had been around when I was 18!)

I just know that I am now happier than I have ever been as I have identified and accepted what I am and what I need. My Dom is very patient and is helping me explore those needs, and we are having loads of fun too.

Good luck to you.

< Message edited by DaddyRsgirl -- 10/22/2010 3:32:46 AM >

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Post #: 26

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/22/2010 6:48:04 AM

MMsCandy

Posts: 71
Joined: 10/19/2010
Status: offline

I can't say i "knew" per se at a young age - i definitely fantasized from a young age, an incredibly young age. It wasn't until i was 20 that i actually put all the pieces together and figured it out (eg: knew).

But i can think of MANY instances (fantasies) as a very young child that pretty much shaped my "how i am today".

< Message edited by MMsCandy -- 10/22/2010 6:49:05 AM >

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Post #: 27

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/22/2010 6:56:59 AM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkmatter24

It seems that the path for most women has been different than the majority of men and that aligns with my personal experiences. I was drawn to this lifestyle, albeit subconsciously, very early in life. Long before puberty hit, I already saw the strange allure of a damsel-in-distress, typically encountered while watching movies, but also experienced viscerally through some childhood activities like the proverbial cowboys and indians/cops and robbers games where a "fair maiden" would get captured by some evil villains. This type of play would naturally incorporate some innocuous tie-up games that nonetheless had great effect on some developing (and impressionable) minds.

Women on the other hand predominantly open themselves up to experimentation much later in life. I wonder how much of that is real and how much just a pose designed to make it seem more innocent and incidental. :)

It's not a pose. It's not an accident. When women reach the point where we're sick and tired of having our sexuality defined for us, we decide to take it back and be who we are, to hell with "Society" trying to tell us how "Nice Girls" should or should not behave. Read your own post. Damsel in Distress. Fair Maiden. And then, the accompanying male fantasy. Now, mix it around. Put a male in the place of the submissive female. And then think about the fantasy from the perspective of a Dominant female. I mean, really. The outcome is sure not going to be the same as the male fantasy, I can guarantee you.

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Post #: 28

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/22/2010 1:47:22 PM

darkmatter24

Posts: 34
Joined: 4/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyRian

It's not a pose. It's not an accident.

I meant the justification for getting into the lifestyle late being a pose, not actually living it. It just seems that it's difficult to go through 15-20 of life without encountering BDSM. That's why I think men are more honest in this aspect when they say; some kinky tendencies have always been there even very early in life.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyRian
When women reach the point where we're sick and tired of having our sexuality defined for us, we decide to take it back and be who we are, to hell with "Society" trying to tell us how "Nice Girls" should or should not behave. Read your own post. Damsel in Distress. Fair Maiden.

It's a movie stereotype, but the drive to rescue and protect women is very strong in almost all men. That's why the pose of a vulnerable creature that many women assume works very well.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyRian
And then, the accompanying male fantasy. Now, mix it around. Put a male in the place of the submissive female. And then think about the fantasy from the perspective of a Dominant female. I mean, really. The outcome is sure not going to be the same as the male fantasy, I can guarantee you.

I don't think men and women are necessarily looking for the same qualities in the other gender, at least not exactly the same, so the analogy doesn't really apply. I think dominant women are typically looking for a man who is still dominant towards most people, except for her, not an all out weakling. Men generally don't have such exacting standards.

(in reply to LadyRian)

Post #: 29

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/22/2010 2:08:02 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkmatter24
Women on the other hand predominantly open themselves up to experimentation much later in life. I wonder how much of that is real and how much just a pose designed to make it seem more innocent and incidental. :)

No pose here. I didn't have any interest in this until much later. However, My approach to this is different than some. There are people who view wiitwd as a necessary component to their relationship. Where I could give all this up tomorrow and be content in My life without kink for the rest of My days. I've taken time off from kink before and it's not something that I especially miss when it's not in My life. Don't get Me wrong, I enjoy My kink pursuits. I love playing and I'm very satisfied with the dynamic and the person collared to Me. If I wasn't doing it anymore, I'd be ok. Kind of like roller coasters. I love the hell out of them, but if I never got on another one, it wouldn't be earth shattering.

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Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

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RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/22/2010 2:23:10 PM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: darkmatter24
I don't think men and women are necessarily looking for the same qualities in the other gender, at least not exactly the same, so the analogy doesn't really apply. I think dominant women are typically looking for a man who is still dominant towards most people, except for her, not an all out weakling. Men generally don't have such exacting standards.

I disagree with some, not all of this. As far as qualities I seek in a potential person with whom I would want to closely associate are: Sincerity. Respect. Intelligence. Honesty. Trust. Compassion. Courage. Honour. Strength. Don't men seek a female partner with these qualities as well? I find that many men do have exacting standards, which is a very good thing. I certainly don't want a spineless jellyfish as a submissive, but this would apply to either male OR female.

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Post #: 31

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/23/2010 3:45:06 AM

TotalDiscipline

Posts: 225
Joined: 5/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I certainly don't want a spineless jellyfish as a submissive

I always liked subs/slaves with a brain (no matter what level of education). Like them beeing capable of doing things without me having to watch them all the time.
Like them to be pro active....and especially...beeing able to discuss things.

The spineless part is handy though...for the sexual part...lol

(in reply to LadyRian)

Post #: 32

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/23/2010 6:22:23 AM

tzr6977

Posts: 149
Joined: 10/11/2010
Status: offline

The "Fittng In" was not meant so much as a literal thing, just mis-spoke myself. I meant fitting in as what we will like. Fitting in = what is/are our pleasures? I guess that was just bad wording... Thank you for your input. I am learning from everyone.

(in reply to MMsCandy)

Post #: 33

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/23/2010 7:07:27 AM

MMsCandy

Posts: 71
Joined: 10/19/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tzr6977

The "Fittng In" was not meant so much as a literal thing, just mis-spoke myself. I meant fitting in as what we will like. Fitting in = what is/are our pleasures? I guess that was just bad wording... Thank you for your input. I am learning from everyone.

Yeah the only way to do that is to figure it out on your own - all your own answers are ultimately in your own head. It's just a matter of sorting it out. There are tools you can use to do that but ultimately it's all going to come from you.

Kind of like sorting out clothes to give to charity (LOL piss poor analogy) this is a need i have to have that, this is a want i can live without that, ooh i really like this and i have emotional baggage attached to that, etc.

It's an as you go thing. Some things may change, some things don't but you gotta start somewhere. Eventually you'll come up with an idea that works for you. Sometimes you'll be going along and read or hear something and go ooooh that sounds RIGHT to me and adopt it, sometimes you just wont like something and that's that.

No short cuts in this unfortunately - you really do have to do the headwork. And NONE of us are exactly alike in what we like, no two submissives are alike, no two slaves are alike and no two dominants or masters are going to be alike (etc. i am not leaving anyone out i am just too lazy to type it all LOL). It really is "whatever floats your boat".

(in reply to tzr6977)

Post #: 34

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/23/2010 11:32:17 AM

Nslavu

Posts: 342
Joined: 2/1/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tzr6977

I am only a week or so old, not only to this website, but also to the lifestyle. Actually I am not quite "IN" the lifestyle, I am trying to figure out where I fit into it. Learning or trying to learn and understand it. So...... Can you tell me how you came to enter the BDSM Lifestyle? What do I need to do to figure out where I fit or what I want? I look forward to your response and any suggestions you may have.

I was musing over a bowl of Trix when I was very young with my cousin and her hot little friend. I realized through the process of the ensuing food fight that I rather enjoyed stuffing wet cereal in places that it didn't necessarily belong. Who doesn't like tits with wet Trix on them? This is me I thought, the purveyor of all that belongs in on and around tits, it is my job! My Dominion! I have recently expanded to other cereals like cheerios and cream of what the fuck is that. I shouldn't tell you what happened with my cousin's hot little friend; but suffice it to say that it isn't so easy to sort out that which is spew and that which is milk but she didn't seem to be at all concerned with the sorting.

Thank you for the trip down memory lane OP!

EDIT-

I forgot , advice on fitting in! you fit you, quite simply, nothing else is required ... the rest is nudging up to people you like and tossing your food around... < -- you could consider this a metaphor if food isn't your thing. :-)

< Message edited by Nslavu -- 10/23/2010 11:36:57 AM >

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RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/24/2010 4:50:20 PM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

I "got in" online when a guy I was chatting to through a vanilla site suggested I would make a great Dominatrix and Dominate him. My curiosity was piqued so I got stuck into the research about D/s and it was a real "Aha!" moment. I honestly can't recall how I found collarme, but it's the one site I've stayed with, mainly because of these message boards. Over the last 11 years I've gone from thinking this was great fun online ... to meeting people in real life who lived this life and thinking "wow, maybe I could do that!" ... from thinking I was Dominant only to realising i wanted to experience this as a sub too ... to realising I really have both D and s sides equal and preferring both being expressed at the same time with 2 different partners (what friends have called being a Duality rather than a switch) ... to living with a sub for a while, then with Master and sub (my first poly arrangement), now just with Master as sub really wasn't sub but a fetishist so we split when we realised we were not meeting each others' needs ... and now travelling all over the countryside with Master and looking to meet subs for Me on the way! Yep, quite a lot of change!!

So My advice OP is this - don't be in too much of a hurry to decide what's right for you. Be open-minded, and realise that there will be some things that you don't fancy at the start that may become your favourite things somewhere down the track! Take every opportunity for self-education, try not to fall into sub fever or sub frenzy as some call it (basically where the desire to experience this becomes so burning that you make bad decisions!) ... ask lots of questions and enjoy the voyage of self-discovery!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

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Post #: 36

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/24/2010 9:35:22 PM

SubPet715

Posts: 337
Joined: 8/24/2010
From: Brooklyn, NY
Status: offline

I actually used this site much long ago when my owner (I like to say owner, I feel so much more like a pet than anything else <_<) had the idea to lend me out to some friends she had on here, it never came to fruition but I learned about this site then.

When the time came and I wanted to start searching for a new domme I came here once more, this time staying much longer than I had previously.

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Passion isn't really happiness.

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Post #: 37

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/24/2010 9:59:32 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I never had fantasies when I was a kid or even when I was older. I never dreamed of being bound or kinky play, etc....I simply grew up in an atmosphere where men were dominant personalities, head of the household, etc...and that's what I've always been attracted to. It just happens that the men I've always been with have been what others called "kinky". For me it was just well....sex.

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Post #: 38

RE: How did you come to be here? - 10/24/2010 10:44:48 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

One day, my first 'real' boyfriend didn't satisfy me sexually, and left me in bed to shower, saying it was my own fault. Half of me was willing to take that; the other half was in control of my legs, and I stomped after him and made him kneel and eat me out to my own satisfaction. After he'd dried me off and led me back to bed, I pondered how I could apologise for something I didn't want to apologise for, and he knelt again and said how excited that had made him, and he ate me out again.
Well!
I didn't know I could be totally satisfied by that, and I didn't know men could be, either.
Having my first veteran slave was another revelation.

And how I found this site in particular: also from a vanilla site, a bullyboy wrote what he thought was a dis: 'With an attitude like that, you should be on CollarMe.'
So I clicked on CO, my jaw dropped in a good way, and I almost blistered my fingers filling out my profile. Found a great lover and a couple of great vanilla dates on here, but yes, a lot of threats, foul language, mendacity, cockshots and general dickheaded rudeness in between the chaff and the nice chaps, so don't let them get you down: just block 'em, mock 'em and report 'em, and get on with your day. And on the boards, there's a lovely little MSN figure with a red stopsign below each msg: if there's someone who constantly trolls or is a general dickhead whose remarks besmirch us all, just click on 'Hide' and all his remarks will be, er, hidden.

Good luck!

(in reply to tzr6977)

Post #: 39

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