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Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 8:07:02 PM

subpilotguy

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Joined: 9/13/2008
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Am I wrong or right ?
For the last few months I've been chatting with someone that was Dominant, and things moved slowly along towards a real meeting discussion. Discussions involved interest, and limits or concerns.
My limit was to involve myself by not others and this was accepted by him. Several times he probed the topic and pushed for more involvement in different ways. I consistently said no respectfully.
I realize there has to be some testing of the edges, but it concerned me that the limit was not respected.
My concern is how can I feel safe, if this small issue is not something I feel safe with.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts.
thanks

Post #: 1

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 8:27:59 PM

KatyLied

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quote:

My limit was to involve myself by not others

??

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Post #: 2

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 8:39:05 PM

WyldHrt

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I second those question marks.

OP, could you please clarify?

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 8:39:47 PM

lizi

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I am also lost as to what you are talking about. What is the limit you felt was not respected?

Overall if you don't feel safe and that this prospective Dom was not listening to you, then I'd not go ahead and meet him.
Feeling safe is rather a large concern for a sub, if you are in any type of compromising position you have to feel utterly convinced that you will not come to harm or have your limits violated. If I ever felt that my limits were not going to be paid attention to then I'd say goodbye and never look back.

(in reply to subpilotguy)

Post #: 4

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 8:45:20 PM

ResidentSadist

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I think this is a mono vs poly limits complaint but I can't be sure. Would be nice if he fixed the OP so it made sense.

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 8:59:15 PM

DarkSteven

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If you ignore the fact of whether this is poly or not, then the question is: when a limit is stated, does "probing" how hard a limit it is, constitute disrespect of that limit?

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 9:03:54 PM

sweetsub1957

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There are hard limits and soft limits, maybe the Dom was just trying to find out which one the limit in question was.....

~sweetsub~

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 9:08:35 PM

LadyPact

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This is a stab in the dark, since the original is rather incoherent.

If others weren't actually included, your limit wasn't broken. It was just discussion regarding that limit. If the person actually met you and included others in any play you were doing, I'd say the limit was broken. If you're talking about something silly, like meeting in public and other people happened to be there, I'd say you were a going a bit overboard.

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Post #: 8

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 9:13:35 PM

soul2share

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I'm thinking sort of like Steven.....scary, I know!.....probing or pushing a limit once or twice is a yellow flag, but continuing to pursue the issue is a red flag. My limits are few, but they are there, and if you accept me, you accept the limits. Try to push, or worse, violate them, and I walk. One person tried, and I left so quick all he saw was my dust!

There is no trust if you are questioning your own safety or well being. I don't know about anyone else, but trust is one of the foremost things that must exist in any of my relationship, no matter how serious it is. The only times I've been burned are those times I didn't listen to my instincts. Let yours serve you well.

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/21/2010 10:01:18 PM

subkatslut

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I want to guess that what you are saying OP is that in your mind you expressed early on, something that is a hard limit for you. By continuing to probe and ask about it in a myriad of different ways you feel like you are being pressured in some manner? At least that's what it sounds like.

My question would be did he understand it was a hard limit and that you did not wish for it to be discussed at any point or not until much later down the road at least? It could quite simply be him understanding something completely different then what you meant. The best way to resolve that is to ask for yourself and clarify if need be. If after you're sure he understands and he still does it I would run the other way.

(in reply to soul2share)

Post #: 10

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/22/2010 2:27:52 AM

lally2

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... when someone keeps pushing an idea at me, even after ive said no thanks i assume that that idea is high on their agenda of needs - so i pass.

this isnt about pushing limits its about incompatibility - it will keep rearing up, it will never stop being brought forward because its a need this person has. its down to you to decide whether youre prepared to drop this limit or drop this person.

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/22/2010 6:19:15 AM

DesFIP

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If I've read the op right, he is monogamous and the guy he was talking to kept circling back, offering up various scenarios in which he wouldn't stick to monogamy. OP, if this is the case, your limits were respected. He kept talking about it, not demanding you do it immediately. This is what dating is for, to explore topics fully to determine how compatible you are. You've determined that you aren't compatible, that this is a deal breaker for you.

So now you say "I don't think there's sufficient compatibility between us but I wish you the best of luck in your search" and you start talking to others.

And next time, when someone keeps zeroing back to the same point, you can say earlier "Obviously it's important to you that your partner is not monogamous. We're not compatible so goodbye and good luck".

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(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 12

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/22/2010 11:55:15 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: subpilotguy
My concern is how can I feel safe, if this small issue is not something I feel safe with.

JUST MY OWN OPINION:

Understand that I come from an M/s relationship where limits are not an issue. That being said, I have a hard time seeing how the dom making further inquiries constitutes failing to respect your limits. Did he actually push on it or did he just inquire.... sniffing around the edges as it were?

In the end, clearly you're coming from a more T/b or D/s standpoint. In such relationships, limits are very important. In the end, since they are your boundaries, you must defend them. An undefended boundary is just talk. What that means is that your sense of "safety" ultimately comes down to you, not the dominant. At some point, the dom will push and you will either allow it or defend the boundary. But the choice as to how "safe" you are is yours.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to subpilotguy)

Post #: 13

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/22/2010 2:47:38 PM

jujubeeMB

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I actually understand where the OP is coming from with feeling safe. When you are someone who is susceptible to influence and about to put yourself in a power exchange dynamic where obeying is something you have a powerful desire to do, it can feel a little unsafe to have a Dom be like "no, no, I respect your limit. But what if I pushed it in this way?" because then you're thinking, "oh, if I submit to this person, they're going to push me into something I don't want to do, but might do anyway because I'm submissive."

At least, that's been my experience with it. I've done a few things to please that I shouldn't have agreed to but couldn't help agreeing to because I'm just built that way. It's frustrating to deal with a Dom that you're connecting with where you have to wonder if they're going to "respect" your limit by pushing it gently and obtaining your consent all along the way. I don't think it's always a bad thing to expand what you're willing to do, but if you know initially that you don't want to be expanded in that way, it can be a little worrisome when a Dom might very well try to expand you.

I don't know how much sense I'm making, but I guess I'm just saying I understand.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 14

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/22/2010 3:51:04 PM

leadership527

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Yeah Juju... I think I get it too. I just think that there's really only two choices.

You go TPE (or whatever you want to call it) in which case limit management and safety (or lack thereof) is provided by the master. Either trust him to do that responsibly or find a new master.
... OR ...
You go D/s in which case you protect your own limits and provide for your own safety. Either do it responsibly or else stop playing the game.

This business of half-in, half-out... I think that's the road to misery. SOMEONE, somewhere, must be definitively responsible for things.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to jujubeeMB)

Post #: 15

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/22/2010 7:03:23 PM

NuevaVida

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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

You go TPE (or whatever you want to call it) in which case limit management and safety (or lack thereof) is provided by the master. Either trust him to do that responsibly or find a new master.
... OR ...
You go D/s in which case you protect your own limits and provide for your own safety. Either do it responsibly or else stop playing the game.

This, wholeheartedly.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

(in reply to leadership527)

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/22/2010 7:20:27 PM

porcelaine

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Joined: 7/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subpilotguy

My limit was to involve myself by not others and this was accepted by him. Several times he probed the topic and pushed for more involvement in different ways. I consistently said no respectfully.
I realize there has to be some testing of the edges, but it concerned me that the limit was not respected.
My concern is how can I feel safe, if this small issue is not something I feel safe with.

Greetings subpilotguy,

It is my belief that your interpretation of limits is inappropriately applied in the situation mentioned. Ideally, you're seeking to engage with an individual that provides an environment where the strongholds are no longer barriers but defense mechanisms you're comfortable addressing because you're certain you're in good hands. It is impossible to confront this if the subject is never pointedly addressed.

Before a limit is introduced and thoroughly accepted you should be cognizant of its real purpose. Which means you're aware of the root fear or area of discomfort that the limitation seeks to protect. If you're honest you may come to find that many of the protestations that people articulate aren't as concrete as they'd like others to believe. And the real issue is whether you desire a partnership that allows further growth and deepened relating or you'd prefer to play it safe and have an 'exchange' that doesn't rock the boat. If the latter always falls along your guidelines I'm apt to wonder if authority has truthfully been ceded.

It isn't a matter of entrusting ones limitations, but wisely selecting an individual that's responsible enough not to take you in a direction that would cause irreparable harm. That doesn't suggest all the boundaries that were existent at the onset never fall away. But it does mean that both parties have committed themselves to the realities of relating rather than pacifying themselves about the idea of doing such instead. Letting go is challenging but its the only way you'll find real liberation and come to understand what it truly limiting and what you've erected to protect or preserve your life as it stands. Best of luck.

Namaste,

~porcelaine

_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to subpilotguy)

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/23/2010 2:20:01 AM

NorthernGent

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Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subpilotguy

Am I wrong or right ?
For the last few months I've been chatting with someone that was Dominant, and things moved slowly along towards a real meeting discussion. Discussions involved interest, and limits or concerns.
My limit was to involve myself by not others and this was accepted by him. Several times he probed the topic and pushed for more involvement in different ways. I consistently said no respectfully.
I realize there has to be some testing of the edges, but it concerned me that the limit was not respected.
My concern is how can I feel safe, if this small issue is not something I feel safe with.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts.
thanks

Regardless of what 'by others' means....seems you're talking of limits being respected....so......

Yes. I would be concerned. The two of you had an agreement.....or at least you thought you had......where one of you doesn't have commitment to this agreement then can you ever trust that he or she will have commitment to any principle?......it would suggest that he or she will simply act on whatever he or she feels is in their interests at that time....which would lead to an unpredictable relationship and one where you'd struggle to find some kind of security.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to subpilotguy)

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RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/23/2010 3:47:42 AM

TotalDiscipline

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@OP
In a good relation...some limits often seems to fade..by itself ( in my experience).
I never broke them...and never will. That is the respect you should have for eachother.

(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 19

RE: Limits and respecting of them, wrong or right? - 10/23/2010 7:46:57 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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Actually leadership, I disagree. He hasn't even met this guy so he's talking about needed compatibility in order to have a good relationship. TPE comes after the relationship is established, and whether we say it is limits or compatibility, if they aren't on the same page they won't even get to the coffee meet, let alone start a relationship and after sufficient trust is earned by demonstration of good decision making, have it then evolve into TPE.

I know you're not suggesting people become TPE on the first date, sign over the title to their house and so on. It takes time. And sufficient compatibility is part of what's needed for them to stay in a relationship long enough for it to evolve. You yourself said it took many years in your case.

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Post #: 20

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