Communication

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Communication

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Communication

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Communication - 10/24/2010 4:51:50 AM

dfwdallasdoll

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

I feel commuication is extremely important in any relationship but particularly in this lifestyle. It is dfficult for me to understand why some do not think it is crucial to the relationship. Please tell me how important you think communcation is to this lifestyle. Also if the commuication is lacking at the beginning of the relationship, will it ever get in any better if the relationship gets serious? I am just curious and wondering where this might lead.

Post #: 1

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 5:03:09 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dfwdallasdoll

I feel commuication is extremely important in any relationship but particularly in this lifestyle. It is dfficult for me to understand why some do not think it is crucial to the relationship. Please tell me how important you think communcation is to this lifestyle. Also if the commuication is lacking at the beginning of the relationship, will it ever get in any better if the relationship gets serious? I am just curious and wondering where this might lead.

I believe communication is important, period. Unfortunately not many are good at it. I would say that fear is the primary thing that holds most people back. I've seen marriages of over 20 years where the two parties communicated very poorly. It works for them so who am I to judge. Then I've seen relationships grow and change for the better, including their communication. I will say that I don't believe the seriousness of the relationship has diddly squat to do with the improvement or lack of, communication.

Yes, it can get better. I used to suck at communicating my needs and expectations. Now I just lay it all out there. Something quite a few people don't really appreciate. However, if there is ANYTHING that will kill any type of relationship for me, no matter what type.......work, friendship, romantic, D/s, M/s.......is unvoiced expectations. The other party/ies having expectations of me that they think I should just magically 'know'. Sorry but it really doesn't work that way.

I think that is the biggest destroyer of all relationships, unvoiced expectations. People go into relationships thinking that their expectations will just automatically be the norm. They are not. Each of us has a different life path, different experiences, different emotional triggers, etc......all of those things are going to create a different, even if slight, pattern of expectations. Both of the other person, and what we assume the other person is going to expect of us. IF we do not communicate all of that, we are setting ourselves, and the relationship, up for failure. Or one hell of a lot of misunderstandings, tears, slammed doors, etc.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to dfwdallasdoll)

Post #: 2

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 5:11:54 AM

dfwdallasdoll

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

I guess that is really what I was asking about... communicating things like expections, do's and dont's in public, private, play parties, etc. Thank you for your feedback on my post.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 3

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 5:20:15 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

You are welcome. I do believe it goes a lot deeper than behaviour expectations of the submissive party in a relationship.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to dfwdallasdoll)

Post #: 4

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 5:31:55 AM

dfwdallasdoll

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

Oh I do too, but this is a fresh relationship and you have to start somewhere and go forward. I just want the Dom to communicate with me. I feel it is so important to the connection of the relationship as a whole. The Dom is lacking communication skills and that is probably just him. That is why I was wondering if I should continue with him or find one that I can communicate with. This lack of communicating is driving me "nuts" so to speak and I get frustrated. I have told him .. please communicate with me and it just stays the same. When I ask a question, he states I ask too many questions. I probably do, but that is for sure a way to find out about something that is important to me or an issue with me. It is all a learning experience, even if someone thinks they know it all. We can all learn something "new" everyday if our mind is open to receive that information, facts, or details. Each one of us is a different individual and have different thoughts and habits.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 5

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 5:44:13 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

You can only be responsible for you. If you are communicating ALL of your needs and expectations and he is incapable of meeting them, then perhaps the two of you are not suited to one another.

The reaction you describe, him telling you that you ask too many questions, only tells me he doesn't know the answers to your questions and is trying to put the responsibility for that back on you.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to dfwdallasdoll)

Post #: 6

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 5:47:03 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

Communication is a 2 way street. Anyone who says you ask too many questions, particularly in the start of a relationship, is probably not interested in improving their communication skills. The foundation of a good relationship is clearly conveyed and clearly understood expectations. Only you can decide if you can live with the fact he expects you to be a mind reader.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to dfwdallasdoll)

Post #: 7

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 5:47:18 AM

dfwdallasdoll

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

I have told him my needs and expectations, but not sure how much he listened to them. Perhaps you are correct that we are not suited for one another.

I think you just hit the nail on the head by saying he doesn't know the answer to my questions.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 5:48:41 AM

dfwdallasdoll

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

catize,

I do feel like he wants me to read his mind. I wish that were possible, but it isn't. Thank you for your input on this topic.

(in reply to dfwdallasdoll)

Post #: 9

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 6:43:06 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
Anyone who says you ask too many questions, particularly in the start of a relationship, is probably not interested in improving their communication skills.

As a general rule, I agree with both you and LaTigresse. I think there are key things we don't know about this situation, though: (1) is this online or real life, and (2) how many questions is she asking? There's a difference between 100 and 100,000.

I regularly have to tell a good friend of mine to stop overthinking and just do something already. If dfw is an overthinker, and the relationship is online, then maybe she is generating 50 billion what-ifs to keep her company, and the guy is like "Seriously?" about it.

So dfw: how long have you known this guy, how many times have you met in real life, and do you both know where the other person lives and have you been to each others' homes a few times? Physical presence in the other person's living space answers a lot of questions right there.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 10

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 6:50:15 AM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

I think communication is essential in order for any type of relationship to succeed. However, there are just some people who have difficulty communicating with each other, because of what the parties involved consider communication to be.

It's possible that he might feel that he's trying to communicate with you, but because you and he have different conceptions of what qualifies as effective communication, there's dissonance. For example: If one person's idea of a greeting is a slight nod, and the other's is an exuberant "Hello!" and a big a hug, one might see the other's reaction as either cold, or excessive, but both have communicated greeting in their own way.

Nobody should have to be a mind reader, though. If his method of communication isn't what you need, this is important. Seeing as this is a new relationship, and this problem is leaping out already, you might want to consider if this is a good fit for you or not. Trying to push something like that aside early on can lead to resentment later on.

< Message edited by LadyRian -- 10/24/2010 7:01:52 AM >

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to dfwdallasdoll)

Post #: 11

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 6:57:16 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

doll, there are several possibilities here. One, as my girlfriend LaT suggested, is that he doesn't know what he's doing. Another is that he's playing a mindfuck here and wants to punish you for not doing what he wanted but didn't communicate - we used to see a lot of posts like that but not for the past few months. Another is that he is being truthful and simply doesn't like to communicate and feels that as the Dom, he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to.

Whatever the reason, it's not a good thing for you and it sounds like you've told him what you want and he's not changing.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 12

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 7:17:46 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Some dominants do not answer questions. They expect the sub to be obedient and do as they were told no matter what. Others are fine with lots of questions in the beginning, understanding that this is how the sub gains sufficient knowledge of the dominant to trust in his/her decision making.

It sounds as though you two aren't sufficiently compatible.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 13

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 7:20:03 AM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dfwdallasdoll

I feel commuication is extremely important in any relationship but particularly in this lifestyle.

Also if the commuication is lacking at the beginning of the relationship, will it ever get in any better if the relationship gets serious?

Communication is key no matter whom we relate to.

If it goes south at the beginning, it wont go north . . . . . . .. .

(in reply to dfwdallasdoll)

Post #: 14

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 7:29:25 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Communication is important in all relationships, regardless of lifestyle.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to RealSub58)

Post #: 15

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 7:54:30 AM

dfwdallasdoll

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

Yes, It is real life and we have known each other for about eight months. We have dated in the vanilla world several times and have gone to each other's houses a few times as well.

(in reply to LadyRian)

Post #: 16

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 7:57:22 AM

dfwdallasdoll

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize
Anyone who says you ask too many questions, particularly in the start of a relationship, is probably not interested in improving their communication skills.

As a general rule, I agree with both you and LaTigresse. I think there are key things we don't know about this situation, though: (1) is this online or real life, and (2) how many questions is she asking? There's a difference between 100 and 100,000.

I regularly have to tell a good friend of mine to stop overthinking and just do something already. If dfw is an overthinker, and the relationship is online, then maybe she is generating 50 billion what-ifs to keep her company, and the guy is like "Seriously?" about it.

So dfw: how long have you known this guy, how many times have you met in real life, and do you both know where the other person lives and have you been to each others' homes a few times? Physical presence in the other person's living space answers a lot of questions right there.

Yes, It is real life and we have known each other for about eight months. We have dated in the vanilla world several times and have gone to each other's houses a few times as well. I happen to analyze things and probably am an overthinker, but in my book better to be safe, cautious, and careful than anything else.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 17

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 7:59:05 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dfwdallasdoll
Yes, It is real life and we have known each other for about eight months. We have dated in the vanilla world several times and have gone to each other's houses a few times as well. I happen to analyze things and probably am an overthinker, but in my book better to be safe, cautious, and careful than anything else.

What's an example of a question you ask that he isn't answering?

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to dfwdallasdoll)

Post #: 18

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 8:10:23 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
What's an example of a question you ask that he isn't answering?

Does it really even matter Red? No matter what the question(s) are, the bottom line is that his behavior is inducing a sense of danger & risk in his sub which is going to prevent anything which I would call submission. Whether these questions are valid or reasonable or whatever in his eyes, your eyes, my eyes, or anyone else's isn't going to change the basic equation here. He's already lost his sub a fair amount and if nothing changes, is almost certain to lose her entirely. As is always true, I'm a big believer in pragmatic end results... and in this case it's not looking good.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 19

RE: Communication - 10/24/2010 8:13:50 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

What's an example of a question you ask that he isn't answering?

If it's when a train leaves Dallas going 40 mph and another leaves Cleveland at 90 mph, when will they meet, then I wouldn't answer it either.

And just a note that if I was leaving Cleveland, 90 mph would be too darn slow.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 10/24/2010 8:27:25 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Communication

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094