BDSM & family life/children

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SubmissiveFox -> BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 6:56:54 AM)
I've come across 2 married men recently who wanted to have an affair with me as a sub. Both of them are into reasonably serious domination - slapping, rape scences, violence, ball gags etc. Both of them have wives that don't know anything about their interest in this stuff. One of them said to me it's not possible to be doing that with a woman if you have children. He said it's completely alien to family life. Is this true? Is there anyone out there involved in a male dom/female sub relationship where the sub is the mother of the dom's children? I hope this isn't true because I'm not married and I don't want to end up in this situation. Married to someone who doesn't really satisfy your sexual tastes and having to look for it outside marriage. It seems to me that it's really common and men particularly compartmentalise their sex life. It's kind of like whore/madonna complex - I don't want my wife to be a slut for me. What are your views/experiences?

thatsub -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 6:59:52 AM)
In my opinion, that particular excuse was used on you to explain why he wants to cheat.

poise -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 8:07:22 AM)
I can see where taking your kids to school with handprints on your face may not be easy to explain. Also, things can get pretty loud in the bedroom, and little Suzy might want to know why Daddy is hurting Mommy. However, I would think if he were clever and sly enough to share this kink with you outside of the home, he could have just as easily found clever ways to share it with his wife.

sexyred1 -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 8:10:10 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SubmissiveFox I've come across 2 married men recently who wanted to have an affair with me as a sub. Both of them are into reasonably serious domination - slapping, rape scences, violence, ball gags etc. Both of them have wives that don't know anything about their interest in this stuff. One of them said to me it's not possible to be doing that with a woman if you have children. He said it's completely alien to family life. Is this true? Is there anyone out there involved in a male dom/female sub relationship where the sub is the mother of the dom's children? I hope this isn't true because I'm not married and I don't want to end up in this situation. Married to someone who doesn't really satisfy your sexual tastes and having to look for it outside marriage. It seems to me that it's really common and men particularly compartmentalise their sex life. It's kind of like whore/madonna complex - I don't want my wife to be a slut for me. What are your views/experiences? My view is that if you marry someone who you have determined has the same tastes and predilictions as you, then your chance of success in a marriage are higher. And screw the compartmentalized excuse; that went out with the scarlet A.

sophiesback -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 8:21:58 AM)
You can be married and kinky. Crank the stereo up. My children could sleep through the stereo blaring through the whole neighborhood....errr uhhh cornfields, cause we didnt have neighbors. Or have grandma keep the kids when you want to get in some serious play. Or hell, gags and pillow biting and dont leave marks that will be visible to everyone, just like when you were in high school and had to hide those hickeys!

angelikaJ -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 8:53:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SubmissiveFox I've come across 2 married men recently who wanted to have an affair with me as a sub. Both of them are into reasonably serious domination - slapping, rape scences, violence, ball gags etc. Both of them have wives that don't know anything about their interest in this stuff. One of them said to me it's not possible to be doing that with a woman if you have children. He said it's completely alien to family life. Is this true? Is there anyone out there involved in a male dom/female sub relationship where the sub is the mother of the dom's children? I hope this isn't true because I'm not married and I don't want to end up in this situation. Married to someone who doesn't really satisfy your sexual tastes and having to look for it outside marriage. It seems to me that it's really common and men particularly compartmentalise their sex life. *It's kind of like whore/madonna complex - I don't want my wife* to be a slut for me.** What are your views/experiences? It is unfortunate that some men feel that way, and some men will use it as an excuse to cheat. The only way to have a happy marriage is to either find someone whose interests match yours, or to find a poly-friendly mate who will allow you to satisfy those needs with a dominant partner outside the marriage. The first one: finding someone who joyously embraces your need for a BDSM relationship is probably the safer choice. BDSM, marriage and children are not incompatible.

LadyRian -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 9:06:27 AM)
Please, I implore you not to get involved with a married guy, no matter what he tells you, unless you know for a fact that his wife knows what's going on, has given her complete, willing consent and approval, and you have some form of concrete proof of this (from her). If he uses the "I'm in a terrible marriage and am getting a divorce" line on you, let him get the divorce first. There are some exceptionally creative lines these guys will use against you. (Or maybe not so creative, but by God they work...) Bottom line is, many of them will tell you ANYTHING except for the whole truth. You'll get truthiness, but this is not what you want. Please don't participate in the betrayal of someone's spouse. There's a good possibility that if you do you'll hate yourself for it. At the very least, you'll learn a hard lesson. Meanwhile, he'll go on his merry way leaving a trail of bodies in his wake. Nothing like collateral damage as a family value. Oh yeah. Please don't allow yourself to believe something because you want to believe it. Nobody can con you unless you want/need something, and let them do it.

sexyred1 -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 9:31:30 AM)
Actually, the newest line is that their marriage is good, but they want to be honest to YOU and tell you that they are married so if you decide to give them a toss, you cannot be angry at them later. I have heard that recently and just say thanks for letting me know upfront you are married and happily at that, so now when I say OH HELL NO to you, you won't suffer too much since you have your loving wife to go home to.

myotherself -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 9:37:27 AM)
I think anyone who is looking for a partner, particularly if they're using online sites, is going to trip over more than their fair share of cheaters. Doesn't matter whether they're kinky or vanilla dating sites - the cheaters flock around in the hope of a free shag on the side. My usual response to these guys is that in any of my relationships, I need to be able to trust my partner implicitly. They've already proved they're happy to lie to people who love them, so that immediately rules them out.

LadyRian -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 9:45:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Actually, the newest line is that their marriage is good, but they want to be honest to YOU and tell you that they are married so if you decide to give them a toss, you cannot be angry at them later. I have heard that recently and just say thanks for letting me know upfront you are married and happily at that, so now when I say OH HELL NO to you, you won't suffer too much since you have your loving wife to go home to. Oh, help me God, the "Honest Liar" routine. [sm=danger.gif] Excellent response, too.

DesFIP -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 10:06:39 AM)
We are not married but we do live together. We have between us six kids and two grandchildren. Two teens in the house, others off at college. The oldest married with kids. So yes, you can do this. I will say that I'm never going to meet him naked at the door. And spanking is a noise that we save for when the kids are gone. But I'm frequently tied up at bedtime, although perhaps not as much as we'd wish. But him being the leader and me the follower here isn't restricted to play/sex. It includes him deciding that the car needs its brake fluid changed, and me being assigned the task of calling local garages to see who has a machine that does this. Or him announcing that since I made a tray of brownies to contribute to a school function, I should now make one for the house. Would anybody identify this as a d/s relationship from these things? I hope not. I hope we come off as normal people who simply don't fight much at all. People who know us comment on how we still hold hands even after 8 years together. And how we are happier together than most people they know. I don't think these men are talking about domination or submission, only about kinky sex. I think if they were the natural dominants they proclaim themselves to be, their wives would trust in their decision making instead of arguing. And if they could trust these men outside the bedroom, maybe they would be more willing to try stuff inside the bedroom. But trust has to come first.

Nineveh -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 10:47:38 AM)
I'm one of the married ones who does not do D/s with his wife. Part of the reason that we do not has to do with the way the dynamic between us changed while she was pregnant. It's very hard to regain a dominant position over someone after being at her beck and call for several months while she is on bedrest. There are other basic compatibility issues that mean that both of us look outside of the marriage for people to play in that way with but I know that is a contributing factor. I don't mean to say that it is impossible for everyone only that it is part of what makes it impossible for us. I also strongly reccomend against becoming involved with someone who's spouse is not aware of the relationship and ok with it. If I start talking with someone in a serious way I will introduce her to my wife and get her impression. My wife has saved me from a few potential real problem women by seeing flaws that I was in too much of a crush space to notice and has also helped me to develop some relationships that turned out really well because the women would talk to her in a different way than they will talk to me. When I have been involved with married women I always do my best to make sure there are open lines of communication with her husband and this has helped me deal with potential issues in a few relationships. There's nothing wrong with a relationship with someone who is married and open, it does mean you won't have ALL of that person's attention, but the spouse can really be a valuable resource in the relationship. a relationship with a cheater meanwhile is never a good idea, if he or she is going to cheat on his or her spouse he or she is going to cheat on you and cheating does not always mean sleeping around, it can also mean disregarding the established rules of the relationship in other ways. That is never good in a BDSM setting.

crazyml -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 11:19:32 AM)
Hey there, Setting aside any moral questions (you're not the one doing the cheating afterall), I would say that unless you can be certain that you're dealing with someone who like Nineveh has a genuinely open and stable relationship, then foolin about with a married man carries the risk of you having to deal with a universe of shit if it all goes pear shaped. As for the excuse... nah, I don't buy it - I've been able to do kink in the past without flat-mates finding out, or parents (I was a lot younger) or kidlets.

waterystream -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 12:32:05 PM)
My Master and I have been married for 13 years and in a Master/slave relationship for almost three years now. We have four young children (ages, 8,7, and twins 4). I have found that leading this lifestyle in some ways is enforcing rules and expectations of our children. Meaning that before I get up from the table I ask for permission, use yes sir and no sir, etc... I have a decorative collar that those in the vanilla world think nothing about other than wondering why I wear it all the time. Of course there are certain things not done in front of the children, but it is a life that can be lived with children if done appropriately. So yes, you can find and be in the kind of relationship you want to be in, you just have to find the right person out there for you. You do not have to settle for being the side dish in a relationship. ~dina (slave to Master Tomas)

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 1:01:59 PM)
quote: Is this true? Is there anyone out there involved in a male dom/female sub relationship where the sub is the mother of the dom's children? Ok, in this case, you're talking about a few different things and lumping them all in the same pool... I live in a poly household, and we raised a half dozen offspring among us. HOWEVER, just like most typical households, we didn't practice sexual acts or violence in front of the saplings. That is just plain ol' common sense. We also have respect for the fact that some of our members can't have, say, visible bruises, slap marks, cuts, etc., showing where the general public can see them and NONE of us practice those things where those who are upset by the behaviors (or might be -- whether saplings or fully grown) are exposed to them. I do decorative piercing, cutting, and branding, but I would never consider doing such in front of small children. These practices take a great deal of caution, and might be frightening for a sapling or for someone who has difficulty with things like blood, or the smell of scorched flesh, or needles... so guess what, I don't do those things where those kinds of people (regardless of age) would have to be exposed to such. Now, with that being said, our house has, over the years, been FULL of servants (and other unusual folk). Our offspring grew up understanding the role of a servant in the household, and how to treat one with dignity. Our saplings NEVER were permitted to "boss around" an adult, regardless of whether that adult was a servant or not, and the servants in our household did not alleviate our saplings from their duties to that household -- and yet, our servants were (and are) completely submissive to the authority of our Keepers, Matriarchs, and Patriarchs. So, short answer, YES, you can have a submissive relationship with someone and have offspring... with the caveats that some people won't be able to handle doing so (or won't be able to handle being married to the person that they also command/master/keep and have saplings with) AND that there are some behaviors that will not be able to be done as often when you have saplings, because arrangements will need to be made to make sure that the youngsters are protected from learning too much too fast, and from things that, really, it is the parents' duty to shelter them from until they're old enough to both UNDERSTAND and make wise decisions about. Calla

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 1:05:02 PM)
quote: The first one: finding someone who joyously embraces your need for a BDSM relationship is probably the safer choice. I have to ask this question, as a life-long poly... "safer" in what way? Calla

DarkSteven -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 1:21:43 PM)
Welcome to collarme, dina! OP, pregnancy and kids take a serious toll on a marriage. The guy had a choice between working hard to keep his marriage going, or in lying and cheating. He made his choice, now you must make yours.

angelikaJ -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 1:33:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW quote: The first one: finding someone who joyously embraces your need for a BDSM relationship is probably the safer choice. I have to ask this question, as a life-long poly... "safer" in what way? Calla Calla, It was not meant as any kind of insult. Many times we see on these forums people who think they will be able to change themselves to fit their partner's needs in one fashion or another. Either, they are vanilla and say they can be the BDSM partner of their beloved's dreams (or the reverse has occurred) or they say they will be okay with a poly relationship, only to find out later that they are not. We can't always predict what we can or can not handle, and without compatibility in key areas, love is not enough to sustain relationships. I have seen the latter situation pop up more frequently here. edit: spelling and stuff

CallaFirestormBW -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 1:47:31 PM)
quote: Many times we see on these forums people who think they will be able to change themselves to fit their partners needs in one fashion or another. No insult was taken. With respect to your comment above, I would like to offer some thoughts on the issue of the relative "safety" of entering into poly vs. monogamous relationships (with the following as "givens": that, in all cases, everyone involved is aware, communicating, and has actively agreed to participate fully in the relationship xhe is exploring). While it is true that people will try to convince themselves that they can change to match the partner's desires (or try to convince an unwilling partner that this is the case), this happens in monogamous relationships as much as it does in poly situations, and it has nothing to do with 'safety'. Every excursion into the "relationship" territory is fraught with danger. In order to succeed in a relationship, we must, in some way, make ourselves vulnerable to that relationship -- it HAS to matter to us. If it doesn't, then we are risking not only our own well-being, but the well-being of anyone we're involved with... and that's true whether it is one other person in a monogamous relationship, or two or more in a poly relationship... and in -any- of these cases, we can hurt ourselves by the same 'distancing' and fear of immersion. Poly is no more risky and no safer than monogamous relating, except in the sense of having to "rinse and repeat" with each new member of the relationship. The things that make a poly relationship inherently unhealthy are the -same- things that would be a death-knell to a monogamous relationship... deceit, betrayal, fear, withholding connection, and failure of communication. Relationships ARE NOT HARD... whether poly or monogamous, but the ABSOLUTELY require dedication and commitment to the relationship... they also require a sense of honesty, and the realization that, any time we are trying something new, it may not work for us like we'd hoped that it would. This is a foundation risk with -any- relationship. I will give credence to the idea that getting involved in a poly situation increases risk slightly, because one is shaping multiple connections at the same time, and trying to make them all work... but the reality is that, if one is willing to put in the effort, and the individuals in question are all working towards the same goal, and everyone wants to be there, there is no substantial difference in 'safety' between choosing a poly relationship or choosing a monogamous relationship... it is strictly a matter of personal preference and awareness of one's own capacity and willingness to explore the possibilities. Calla

littlewonder -> RE: BDSM & family life/children (10/25/2010 2:34:36 PM)
ya know I've been doing "bdsm" before I ever had a child and continued doing it when she was young and still continue to even though she's an adult. I never once had a single problem with the two under the same household. When I hear men say that I just think that they watch too much porn and it's still a fantasy in their head and always will be.

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