RE: BDSM & family life/children

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: BDSM & family life/children

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: BDSM & family life/children

Page: << < prev 1 2 [3]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/1/2010 3:48:50 PM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

Op, married guys who want to cheat on their wives (especially online) many times try to pass off what they're doing as "Poly" in a lame attempt to grant psuedo legitimacy to running around. But it's usually nothing of the sort. They just hope against hope that the person they're running that line past doesn't know anything about what polyamoury really is, is dumb enough to fall for it, or hopefully both. Sad but true.

Real poly relationships are successful because everyone is on the same page, it's a family dynamic. There is sharing. There is love. And ALL get to share.

This is not the dynamic with someone who's cheating. Somebody's being betrayed, whether they know it or not, Somebody's being selfish and dishonest, whether they try to justify it or not. Everyone is NOT sharing, and somebody usually gets hurt.

< Message edited by LadyRian -- 11/1/2010 3:49:19 PM >

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to waterystream)

Profile

Post #: 41

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/1/2010 8:52:33 PM

Nineveh

Posts: 1299
Joined: 2/5/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: waterystream

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Welcome to collarme, dina!

Thank you Sir, been on here for a bit, just never felt the inkling to respond to anything til now... It just bites my arse when someone says there can't be a M/s or D/s relationship with a wife and children....Obviously, they have never tried it, or in this case just is an excuse to have extra curricular activites. Anyone can have the type of relationship they want to have regardless if its a vanilla world or alternative lifestyle such as ours. They just have to know what they are looking for, and not being gullible to the wiley ways of predators. Hope this finds everyone well and in good spirits.

~dina

It works for some, it doesn't work for all. For my wife and I it does NOT work and the fact that we are parents of a child definitely plays into that. It's not that we can't switch gears between in front of her and not, it's not that either of us is hiding anything, it's just that we don't work that way together any longer.

Sometimes it is an excuse to cheat, sometimes it is not.

(in reply to waterystream)

Profile

Post #: 42

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/3/2010 8:59:02 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

And ALL get to share.

I just need to clarify on this one point -- like any other dynamic, poly authority-exchange dynamics are subject to negotiation. Not all of our servants "get to share" -- and none of them "get to share" outside of the household without our express permission...

The biggest difference between poly and cheating is transparency. In poly, everyone not -only- knows what's going on, but fully embraces that it is the right thing for everyone involved. There isn't necessarily "tit for tat", but there -is- open communication and genuine desire to be a part of this relationship practice.

Calla

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to LadyRian)

Profile

Post #: 43

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/3/2010 2:48:56 PM

LadyRian

Posts: 486
Joined: 9/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CallaFirestormBW

quote:

And ALL get to share.

I just need to clarify on this one point -- like any other dynamic, poly authority-exchange dynamics are subject to negotiation. Not all of our servants "get to share" -- and none of them "get to share" outside of the household without our express permission...

The biggest difference between poly and cheating is transparency. In poly, everyone not -only- knows what's going on, but fully embraces that it is the right thing for everyone involved. There isn't necessarily "tit for tat", but there -is- open communication and genuine desire to be a part of this relationship practice.

Calla

What I meant was that all get to share the love, the trust, and the family dynamic.

_____________________________

"Dodging bullets since 2010"

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Profile

Post #: 44

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/15/2010 12:16:34 PM

WideBlueEyes

Posts: 16
Joined: 11/12/2010
Status: offline

This thread, while informative, is quite a slap in the face. I'm married. We're separated, but living under the same roof. We do this because of financial concerns (job market is brutal and we really can't afford a divorce right now) and family concerns (we are going to try to make things as easy for the children as possible). It's about an amicable split as there probably could be, but its not fun and its certainly not fast.

My wife would sneer at the BDSM lifestyle, which is why I began to explore on my own. Now that I am going to be free at some point in the future, I feel a need to explore these other parts of myself. However, it seems the consensus is that a married guy is cheating. I can understand being so codified, and if I will have to wait until I am single again to have any sort of serious shot at some fashion of a relationship with a domme, so be it. I get it. I just yearn, you know?

(in reply to LadyRian)

Profile

Post #: 45

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/15/2010 4:10:56 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Being celibate won't kill you. I was for five years towards the end of the marriage. But since you're still under the same roof, how do you think she would react if she knew what you were doing with a girlfriend? Not to mention, that you dating is going to be a slap in her face at this point. You really want her losing it and calling you names in front of your kids? Wait till you've separated physically. If this is a home you're sharing, I suggest you see about turning part of it into an apartment. The kids can go back and forth but you'll have the privacy from her you need, and she'll have it from you.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to WideBlueEyes)

Profile

Post #: 46

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/15/2010 8:44:37 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Dear Abby-
I have recently met a woman who wants to have a sexual relationship with me. She is into some pretty serious stuff- screaming orgasms, clawing at the sheets, sex on the kitchen table sort of stuff. But she insists that not possible to be doing that with a woman if you have children. She said it's completely alien to family life.

Is this true? Is it possible to have a robust sex life with someone when you have a family?

Signed,
Dr. Freud

(in reply to SubmissiveFox)

Profile

Post #: 47

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/16/2010 2:32:48 AM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

But since you're still under the same roof, how do you think she would react if she knew what you were doing with a girlfriend? Not to mention, that you dating is going to be a slap in her face at this point.

You know, this isn't universally true, either. My ex and I shared a place as room-mates after our decision to divorce (but before we could afford to put through the paperwork) for many of the same reasons that WideBlueEyes did. We knew we weren't cut out to be married to one another, but we also wanted to be able to help one another get on our feet in the world, and make the transition as peaceful as possible for the offspring.

Both of us dated while we were still room-mates, but no longer married in our own eyes. We brought our dates home, AND we shared meals and recreation with my ex and HIS new interests, though sometimes that got a little weird sometimes from the perspective of the new relationships... while we were comfortable with it, they got strange on a few occasions... needless to say, those relationships didn't make it for either of us... we needed people who could accept both that we were now -apart- in terms of marriage AND that we were, and would always BE, friends. We included in our written separation agreement that outside interests were NOT why we were separating, and that we would both be encouraged to develop a social and relationship network outside of the marriage, with no ill will towards any party involved, until we could divorce. When this was written, it was done so that my ex would feel safe and encouraged to start dating again. I knew that he was happier IN a relationship than OUT of one, and I didn't want him or those whom he dated (mostly those whom he dated -- because people get skidgy about that kind of stuff) to have to worry about it coming back to haunt them down the road.

But it isn't a 'done deal' that a couple who have chosen to end a relationship AUTOMATICALLY are going to get all in a huff when the other part of that former relationship starts developing NEW relationships, even if, for one reason or another, they still share a domicile.

This next is really huge on the IMO scale, but -- if you think about it, getting all huffy about it is -silly-... if you want to stay in the marriage (especially if monogamous), then fix the marriage. Otherwise, it makes absolutely NO sense in my mind to cling to someone that one doesn't even want to -be- with any more.

Calla

< Message edited by CallaFirestormBW -- 11/16/2010 2:35:58 AM >

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 48

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/16/2010 7:11:24 AM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

I think it mainly arises from religious belief, the Madonna/whore thin, although there is a secular version, and it has to with self image - in one sense, it's actually infantilizing women reducing them to simply devices for bearing and raising children, and denying them their adult sexual persona - in this sense, there is a lot of guilt attached, i.e., sex is seen as demeaning to their status as mothers, and technically, it's sort of a form of mother worship, but again, it's a two dimensional attachment to a symbol, rather than a mature appreciation of a whole person.

On the flip side, some women buy into this binary delusion too, and that can make things difficult for the male half of the dyad, should he be of a more philosophical frame of mind, i.e., she may go postal at the very suggestion, and it might cause an inordinate amount of trouble.

The real problem with I've encountered, is the the politicization aspect of it: as long as you can deal with someone one-on-one, you can often come to some sort of a compromise - this is much less likely when dealing with a "Royal We" - group behavior tends to reinforce expectations, people tend to become quite militant about them, and one or the other member of the dyad may be more in allegiance with a given group value set than they are with their partner, and group values are much more likely to be irrational than individual values.

When I encounter this, I always ask them if they know that technically, this is group sex.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Profile

Post #: 49

RE: BDSM & family life/children - 11/16/2010 8:08:02 AM

WideBlueEyes

Posts: 16
Joined: 11/12/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Being celibate won't kill you. I was for five years towards the end of the marriage. But since you're still under the same roof, how do you think she would react if she knew what you were doing with a girlfriend? Not to mention, that you dating is going to be a slap in her face at this point. You really want her losing it and calling you names in front of your kids? Wait till you've separated physically. If this is a home you're sharing, I suggest you see about turning part of it into an apartment. The kids can go back and forth but you'll have the privacy from her you need, and she'll have it from you.

Hi, Des. No, being celibate won't kill me. I know, because I've been working on 2 years now. It is her idea to split up. Frankly, I think she just doesn't want to be a wife and mother any more. She's already stated several times that she doesn't want custody/responsibility of our girls. I've tried for years to keep things together.

I would never have any of this appear in front of my girls. As to her reaction, I think she would sneer more if I mention BDSM than if I said at this point I have a relationship. In fact, she has said on more than on occasion that if I wanted to fool around to have fun but just play safe. I don't think she's ever figured out how hurtful that is.

Like I said, this isn't a normal situation and I'm trying to make the best of it.

Calla:

quote:

This next is really huge on the IMO scale, but -- if you think about it, getting all huffy about it is -silly-... if you want to stay in the marriage (especially if monogamous), then fix the marriage. Otherwise, it makes absolutely NO sense in my mind to cling to someone that one doesn't even want to -be- with any more.

This is exactly right. I fought every day tooth and nail to save this marriage. Finally, I just realized that it was never going to improve, that her heart was set on being free of it all, and decided to try to make the best of it. Fun? No. Mature and prudent? Yes. What is most important to me is providing a stable life for my daughters, to show them that their parents #1 priority is them. It's odd in that we are actually really good friends so we get along pretty well. She lives in another part of the house and we talk about how we can do this and when. Right now, we just can't.

I've fought so long, and for the longest time never considered anything else. I feel slightly bad for thinking this, but part of me is actually excited to start a new chapter of my life. I look forward to meeting new people and hopefully finding someone else to love and who will love me (though that is not necessarily what I'm looking for here). I've been married since 1994 and have been with her since '91 so it IS a big change for me. I guess I don't want to wait so long to explore this new, darker part of me. I hope that doesn't make me a cheating cad. If I have to wait though, to be more accepted, palatable, then so be it. It is what it is.

Sorry for the lengthy gab.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Profile

Post #: 50